I am still really sloshed and I need a liver transplant... bad. My head hurts so much that at this moment, my brain feels like a pin cushion of sorts for knitting needles. Freaking huge knitting needles and dozens of them. The intensity has since subsided to a dull, throbbing kinda pain. I can't remember when was the last time I had such a major hangover. Hell, I don't even know how much I drank but I do know that it was more than usual...

I was in Nicole's house last night drinking with Botak and his friends, all that red wine... I swear I am not an alcoholic. I drink only for social reasons but they happened to drink quite a lot, so I joined them. Maybe I wasn't feeling good and I thought drinking could help me forget. Big mistake. Anyhoo, I enjoyed the company, esp with my babe Nicole. I will not drink like that if I'm outside.

Oh she got me a pink poodle beanie toy. Both Botak and her said it reminded them of me so they got it. I find it puzzling though... Pink poodle? Me? I see no similarities at all hehe:) Still, it was very very sweet of Nicole. I loved the bracelet she got for me too, just the sort of thing I'd wear.

I am not sure if I am able to work today... I will try but if I can't, I'll report sick. Will post some pics as soon as I get them. Oooh... my head.... :(

I hope my mind was playing tricks on me today... I woke up this morning to eerie laughter. It was coming from behind my brother's bed. (Yep, was sleeping in his room) Anyhoo, it sounded like one of those dolls where you wind up, except it was laughing like an evil witch. I hope to God it was a lizard or something. I was too tired to be freaked then, but thinking about it now sends shivers up my spine. Weird.

I binged on Gelere's banana split and ice-cream mud pie last night. Ultimate sin. I hate myself now haha:) Oh well, going to Nicole's house in a bit. She's having a small party. Will be bringing along my bottle of wine and 1 litre bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream. Hope someone will drink with me tonight:)

I hate painting my nails. Especially when I am in a hurry and then I knock my fingers into something and it gets all messed up. Hate it, one of my pet peeves ugh...

I am addicted to banana chips and I have been stuffing my face for the past 2 hours. WIll somebody stop me please? Oooh, whatever happened to self-discipline? Zilch. Zero. Nada. I'd share my food with my dogs 'cept for one fact, they're already damn fat and Nicky just puked... Ewwww....

Bloody shit, ordered 2 stainless steel rings from an online site on impulse, only to realize they are too big for me. Got the sizes wrong and now I have to send them back and make an exchange. All that hassle, plus I'll be incurring additional charges as well. The rings are not cheap at all. Could have kicked myself. Grrr...

So much for moving on, I'm feeling more down than I thought I'd be. Yesterday was the 14th, it was a special day for him and I , brought back a lot of memories but I try not to think about them. Ironic, ain't it? Especially since I brought it upon myself, so I shall just stop moping around. Still very miffed about the rings though. There is nothing I hate more than inconvenience. Sure I can think of other things, but at the mo, inconvenience tops the list. I have so much to do and I'm so freaking tired, this puts me in a totally fucked up mood.

Aside from the fact that I am struck by PMS blues, I've been eating like a pig gone wild. I have to get my ass to the gym, I absolutely must. Get those happy hormones pumping up.

The only consolation in my life so far are my friends and that I've met most of my new team members. I'm very happy so far, please no more nasty surprises. Don't think my heart can take anymore. Keeping my fingers crossed that the other 3 I've not met are ok as well...

Is loneliness supposed to feel like this? If it is, it sucks, it really sucks big time. No special someone to share my thoughts with. No one to cuddle up to. My fault actually, coz I just wanna be left alone. My friends are lovely but they all happened to be attached... It's so weird, I don't know what to say. Still, I must be patient. Give myself time... It will all be over, soon, hopefully.

*sigh*

In a bid to fill the sudden emptiness in my life, I've been keeping myself busy and really wearing myself out. The good thing is I get so tired at the end of the day that I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Then I drift off to a deep, uninterupted sleep.

I got called up for a Bangkok turnaround flight yesterday:( I came back at night and met Hui Ling for a long run, chatting as we ran. Felt invigorated after that, if not for the sleep I have yet to catch up on. Feeling really bloated and starting to crave those evil carbs, signs of that dreaded time of the month...ugh!:( Have been very discplined and I am rather proud of myself, the weight loss plateau that I've hit has started to shift, slowly but surely.

I have so much planned for myself, tackling one thing at a time. I want to pass my driving test in May on my first try and I then I want to pass my piano exam in August. I want to improve myself in every aspect, I want to learn to love myself... be happy again. I can feel changes looming ahead, hopefully for the better. As of now, I am beginning to feel a little happier again:)

Oooh, gonna meet my babes, Judy and Julz again for dinner:) Really looking forward to it:)

I am fairly relieved now that he has come to his senses... He said he's determined to change and succeed and that he'll give me my space.

So sleep deprived... All that worrying, I hope I can get a good night's rest before I go to work again.

Not much mood to blog today... will update when I come back.

When bad things happen, it comes all at once, hits you full in the face before you know what hit you and leaves you reeling... so much for feeling better.

More drama today, I do not want to talk about it. All I can say is, I just felt like screaming and going ballistic. It's people like these who are driving me to the brink of insanity. When I say I need my own space and my time alone, I MEAN IT. Don't fucking try to worm your way back into my life and get other people involved. I was so stressed by the whole fiasco, I nearly broke down. I felt it was emotional blackmail... I feel like I'm being pressurized, pushed up against the wall... I shan't elaborate on this...

And as if things can't get any worse, I got to know about the nasty stuff that is being spread about me when I was still in poly and even now. It opened old wounds and memories I thought I had put behind me came back to haunt me. It really hurt, I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me... The blessing in disguise is that I found friends who know all about it but chose to look past them and gave me the benefit of the doubt. They are my true friends and I swear I'll treasure them for life...

Gotta fight to keeping a tight rein on my emotions, hope all this ends soon.

How am I feeling? Not particularly bad, certainly not good, but hovering in between.

Detached from my emotions as of now, but I'd experience little stabs of uncertainty every now and then. What I really want out of life has started to take form, that is small comfort at least.

This thought suddenly hit me in the face recently... There are boats lined up at a harbour, waiting. I am in one boat so I can't take the rest. So one by one, they row off. When I'm finally out of this boat, the other boats have gone. Weird anology but the irony of it all, the story of my life... I really like what a friend told me, he told me that I'm still young and just wait for a ship hahahaha:) I thought that was really good advice.

Which brings to mind... fate, destiny, whatever... Do you believe in it? Do you just let things happen, go with the flow, wherever the currents take you... or do you resist it, in pursuit of something you think you might want? In retrospect, mind boggling questions... It's all about the right choices, sound decisions and more. decisions...

To everyone who was concerned about me and took the time to make me feel better, thank you... *hugz* They mean a lot... differing though valuable, pieces of advice. I can't express how appreciative I feel, of the ones who stood by me all the way... I am feeling much better now, especially when my mind takes over.

I feel like I've grown up so much in such a short time. I see the bigger picture in almost everything. I've mellowed down, become more rational and less emotional. I'm seeing everything with a new insight I've never had before... I give credit to the people around me, they have helped me grow, I learn from their wisdom and experiences but I am not influenced to the extent that I can't make my own choices.

Anyhoo, moving on from my soppy ramblings.... I came back from Christchurch last night, I felt so much better... I had a great flight, hung out with a great set of crew and basically had a fun time. Good, clean fun definately.:) My batch boy, Craig and I went horse trekking, we couldn't go Mt. Cook coz all the tours were fully booked and it was too windy for sky diving.

Horse trekking, it was an amazing, amazing experience. We were driven up into the mountains, already saw so many beautiful sights on the way up. It was breath taking... We arrived at the ranch and we were taught how to handle the horses. I got to ride on a handsome gelding (that is what they call stallions who have been castrated btw), called Robbie. Oooh, riding Robbie Williams hahahahhaha;p

We each got to ride on our own horses, there was a guide who was leading the way and we rode for 2 1/2 hours up into the mountains. It is oh so therapeutic, I felt all the cares in the world slip away... And I've always loved animals, particularly dogs and yes, horses. We rode among the moos of the cows and the bleeting of the silly sheep scattered over the mountains. It was just lovely, lovely, lovely! I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I wish I can ride horses everyday even though I am still having a sore ass now from all that riding hehehe;p I kept hugging Robbie, wish I owned him.

On a final note, I pray that I have made the best decision for my life. Hopefully, this will be a turning point for me.

Melancholy... the feeling is bittersweet. I feel a fleeting tinge of sadness that I can't quite comprehend. Whatever semblance of control I have over my emotions seem to be slipping away, fast. What am I looking for? What do I really want? "Go with the flow" That is the piece of advice I like to give to my friends and myself. But I realize that it is an advice that is quite flawed because it comes together with uncertainty. Something which I do not need anymore of.

I just can't get to sleep again, I have too many unanswered questions hounding me... Impeding into my restless state of subconsciousness. The ride on this emotional rollercoaster seems endless, I feel drained. Grappling for an emotional foothold is taking its toll on me. I need a release of sorts and I feel this strong urge to escape into my own world, except I don't know how.

I yearn for this sense of completion, for someone to understand me, to know what I want. It's a fucking unrealistic expectation on my part because I feel that I am seeking the impossible. Hell, I do not even know myself anymore... I do not want anyone to worry or feel affected by me as this mood is only temporary, stemming from not knowing what I want and expect of myself.

Ever felt like you're surrounded by people who care and yet feel all alone in this world? That is precisely what I am feeling at the moment. I am damn appreciative of the fact that my friends and other people actually take the time to stop and show me their concern. I really am, but I know I can't depend on anyone, except myself. Everyone else has their own lives to lead and their own issues to contend with.

My babe, Nicole, called me the moment she knew what was going on. I feel so much better after talking to her. She just makes so much sense and she gives just the right dose of what I need. I love her so much... Friends like her and everyone else who cares, are meant to be kept and treasured for life. You know who you all are, you will not be forgotten...

Meanwhile, I got to put halt on my selfish and self-destructive behavior. I simply must, before it ruins me.

Yet another sleepless night... Kept tossing and turning... Sure it's so damn easy to go running back into his arms, back to my comfort zone... I can choose to pretend that everything is okay. Afterall, he said he wanted me to go back to him... But I know it won't solve our problems and that it'll be that vicious cycle all over again.

It does not make it easier to know that he is hurting, I only hope I am doing the right thing. Only time will tell... All I wanna do now is to curl up inro a ball and hide away from the world. I wish I can cry and let all my emotions out... but I can't because my heart is numb.

*sigh*