Today is my first day of work. Uneventful, not too bad but I am not exactly jumping for joy. The corporate life is not for me but I will give it a chance. Time to go to bed so I will leave the entry as short as it is now.

Hello real world. I am starting work tomorrow, not quite what I had envisioned myself doing but I am going to give it a fair shot. Mixed feelings... I still do not know what to expect. While the timing and the opportunity is perfect, my heart still yearns for the skies. Ah well, it is a vision I will have to put aside for now, until things in the industry pick up again.

A purpose driven life I must lead, peppered with many moments of childish endeavours. When can I be filled with the spirit of unbridled happiness? I seem to have lost my drive momentarily but my goal is still the same. I pray for the peace that transcends all understanding and the wisdom to know what to do.

In need of time alone, in a sanctuary that is all my own. It is suffocating when the walls feel like they are closing in on you. My tummy feels super bloated and I swear my head is about to explode. Totally not cool.

Sometimes I entertain thoughts of disappearing for awhile and search for the harmony that has eluded me momentarily. I feel an exhaustion that I cannot seem to explain and I need a hiatus from it all.

When I look back, the feeling of being alive is now just a distant memory. I need to find the inspiration to help me rekindle the joy in my heart. Sigh.

There has been an interesting spin of things... unexpected no doubt, but perfect in more ways than one. The original plan I had for myself is to take a break of up to 2 months, then look for a temporary job to tide me over while I hold out for that golden opportunity.

Then a couple of days ago, I got back in touch with one of my good friends whom I have not contacted for more than 5 years. We reunited over lunch today and exchanged stories of our individual journeys which was very interesting to say the least. So much has changed, yet the old familiarity of our friendship still remains.

To cut a long story short, I was given the opportunity to work for him, just like that. The timing and the arrangement is perfect and I am pleasantly surprised. As I have no experience in this vibrant industry, I will once again, be stepping out of my comfort zone. Having said that, I am motivated and I welcome the challenge.

I will make the most out of this experience, until the time comes for me to leave and continue my original journey.

Today, I looked into the mirror and did not like the reflection of the wan and pale face staring back at me.

Since being back in Singapore for nearly a week, I have barely had the time to settle down. There is just so much to do and so much to think about that my energy is slowly ebbing away as I wear myself out.

The joy and delirium at having obtained my license has fast faded away into a distant memory as I am now faced with the harsh reality of the current situation. More on that later...

The past 1.5 years that I have spent training was the happiest period of my life and my efforts have most certainly paid off. The question is when can I savour the fruits of my labour and live my dream? My achievement is definitely not one to be underestimated, but in a world outside of aviation, what does it count for? Given the way things stand at the moment, even my 4-year stint as a stewardess is more relevant...

Now that I have left the happy bubble, how I long to return. I miss walking over to the college and preparing for my flights. I miss the smell of AVGAS and the positive sound of engines starting up. Hell, I even miss the stress of progress checks and scolding I get from my instructors when I don't perform. I miss it all.

Things are not straightforward anymore and the uncertainties are being felt across the board. I need to take stock and re-assess my limited options. Do I hold out for what I want or to settle for anything that comes along? How long do I have to wait and what should I do in the meantime? I cannot imagine doing anything else. now that I have tasted flight but I will put up with it, if it is temporary.

One thing is for sure, I will not give up and I will face the overwhelming odds with all the strength I can muster. The doors have not closed on me and I will pray for God's guidance on my next move and to give me the wisdom to make the best choices.

It is not the trials that we face that makes us stronger, but our responses in those trials. I continue to trust in the wisdom of the Lord's plan and commit everything to him.

I have done it. 17 July 2009, the day I obtained a CPL/IR on a Multi Engine. It will forever be a day of great significance for me and without a doubt, this has to be one of the greatest achievements in my life. I am coming home!

Whee!!!

Tonight I had an awesome flight...

Flashback to the last day of June, the day I finally got my progress check done and miraculously passed, with a good standard. In all honesty, I was actually less confident than I let on and in hindsight, felt that I could have done better. The fear was almost paralyzing but I held on with everything I had. The prayers soothed my frazzled nerves and I managed to keep within the tolerances. My procedures could have been more methodical but the saving grace was that I did well in the more crucial segments of the check.

What seemed like the worst case scenario for me initially turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was dismayed but I trusted God and He delivered.

Then, I had to do 5 more sorties to prepare me for the final test. I was quite happy with how the 3 day sorties went as there was a significant improvement. The night circuits however, left much to be desired. There was not much drama on the first one but I screwed up the second one so badly that I seriously started to doubt my abilities. It was the worst sortie in my entire Baron phase and I was quite shaken. However, my instructor decided to take the leap of faith and let me sign up for the final test based on what he knows I am capable of and hope for the best. He is a good man.

Faith is indeed powerful. Today I got a call to do the night test, together with my coursemate. It was the perfect arrangement and everything was in my favour. I was not expecting to do it this soon and I was in a state of nervous excitement. Again, I commited it to God and when it was my turn to take control, I was dead calm.

It was like I was a different person and I surprised myself tonight. It was the best night circuit I have ever done to date and by a long shot. Now that the night portion is out of the way, I have to focus all my energy on the day portion of the test which will be scheduled very soon. It is the most important one of all and when I pass, it is time to go home.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and faith will see me through.

My heart is deeply saddened by the news of Michael Jackson's untimely demise and I can only hope that he is in a better place. His music and his presence were such a strong influence in our lives that it is hard to believe he is really gone. He is truly the King of pop and even though people all over the world mourns his death, he remains immortal, as his legacy will live on forever.

This brings to mind, just how fragile life is... When the time comes for me to go, will I look back in regret as I draw my last breath, or can I go in peace? The answers elude me for now and when I finally get them, it might be too late. When it is time, it is time and I know I will be in a much better place.

While I still have all these years ahead of me, I am going to live my life happily and with as much abandon as I can afford to. I am going to pursue whatever my heart tells me to and have a vision for myself.

So much for that. I have been waiting for a week to do my progress check and now that those guys before me have passed, I will be up next. The succession of cold fronts passing over Jandakot does not leave me with much chances of doing the check on Sunday. Oh well, I will just have to wait it out and hope I don't get delayed anymore than I already have.

Digressing now, I do not really discuss anything to do with the affairs of the heart on my blog but if I will only say this much, it is worth waiting for that special person whom we can make things right with. I will leave this topic for another post for another time.

Me again in my usual state of reverie, left alone in my room with just my private musings for company. As I deliberate upon my thoughts, I am immersed in music that resonates with my soul and I am relishing the sanctuary that is my mind.

Of late, I have been having many heart-baring conversations with the Lord. Truth is, I have been feeling an unease that bothers me to no end and I know that I will need to restore the harmonious balance in me. Each day was the same when I woke up and I continued to pour my heart out to God, while struggling hard not to sink into further depression.

Then, one day I woke up. Gone is the melancholic stupor I have sunk myself in and in its place, a peace that transcends all understanding, diffused into every fibre of my being. The Lord has given me the wisdom to see the light and the fear and the weariness that has bogged me down has now dissipated.

It feels good and I feel ready to take on the challenges that will be coming my way.

It is taking me a long time to write this entry as my thoughts are fragmented due to the fact that I am doing a few things at once. Earlier on, I spent some time looking through many pictures which I have forgotten about. Photographs of my travels and me in my 'glory' days and then, the more recent ones, heh. I chanced upon some old pictures of me when I was a Singapore Girl and it brought back many memories and I re-lived them once more, for only a brief moment.

Since I am in the mood for reminiscing, I decided to read my old blog entries from the day I started and I could not stop... I have re-discovered a treasure trove of all my thoughts, feelings, experiences, growth and changes that marked my journey from 2004 til the present. The last 5 years of my life has been documented digitally into an online diary and it blows my mind when I read all the entries which reveal a story about me, personal, yet elusive.

All that has got me pondering... but I will leave that for another entry in the near future.

Yesterday, my younger brother's gesture of quiet support and encouragement touched me deeply. He knows how much this dream means to me and it was his way of contributing. When I finally make it, I want to make a difference in the lives of people around me, in all ways big and small, starting from my family and the friends close to me.

Moving on, I turned 26 a few days ago. I have a very strong feeling that this will be a magical year for me, the golden age where my dreams will be realized and everything will fall nicely into place. There is so much to look forward to and I eagerly anticipate what is to come.

=)

Life as I know it right now is one peppered with moments of happiness, uncertainty and private reverie. The thoughts that have been occupying my mind come fast and furious and the only time I have to mull over them is the period when I am about to doze off to sleep.

My imagination has been more vivid than usual and the images that I hold on to are the ones that fill me with all the positive feelings. Wishful thinking it may be, but if it keeps me motivated, I won't lose out in any way.

I have had my first repeat for this phase and hopefully, it will be the last. I am secretly glad as I do not feel ready for the progress check and could do with a bit more practice. This is the time where I need God more than ever and I must not give up.

There has been a lot of negativity on a large scale and it is sapping my energy. The need for solitude grows stronger and I cannot let myself be dragged down. Why do people not appreciate what they have and count their blessings?