I will never fuck around with my hair again. Next time, I'll just pay to have my hair trimmed. No more trying to be an itchy smartass and DIY. If you have just paid $180 for hair extensions, you'd definately agree that is a wiser thing to do.

Yep, it was THAT bad.

And I don't have the patience to wait for my fringe to grow to an acceptable length. I have had enough of gelling and pinning up my fringe!

It was a very expensive rectification process. Lesson learnt. Nabei lah, I have done it once again.

I received a text message last night. The words wrenched my heart and the fleeting pain that I felt was quite raw. Now, I am confused despite myself.

I am suddenly shaken. My friend says she does not understand how I can give up something everyone wants. The words haunt me somehow...

I was able to detach myself emotionally again today on another seperate issue. I remain a mystery to some people because I don't always reveal my true emotions.

What am I to do now? I really, really wonder.

I must have been possessed because I did something very silly today. My fringe was getting into my eyes so I took a pair of scissors, pulled my fringe down and literally sawed away at my hair.

Then I let go of the fringe and it sprang up to 2cm above my eyebrows.

Bloody hell. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I now look like the cartoon-equivalent of the blackcurrent in the Ribena advertisements. I have done it again.

Oh well, it will look ok in 2 weeks for so. I'll just pin and gel my hair up in the meantime. Hehe;p

It was nice to be in Brisbane on an Easter Monday. It is funny how I establish close friendships with ppl from my school only after we have graduated. Met up with my ex-classmate from poly and we had so much to talk about, even though we were not close back in school. I really had a great time talking to her and it was so nice to see her after so long.:)

We talked about the past a lot. I allowed myself to look back and laughed. I am not going into details but it is a personal triumph for me now. Having learnt the art of emotional detachment, I lead a much happier life when I am able to choose to weed out what I do not want to affect me.

Gonna end my entry abruptly. I am too tired to contemplate about issues.

I had nearly 4 days off and yet again, I have pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion. It has been very fulfilling though as I managed to spend time with some of my favourite people. They have really made my smiles wider and I am thankful to have them in my life.:)

Nicky and Miko went for grooming yesterday. Miko is fucking hilarious! She came back with a sullen look on her face and refused to look at or respond to anyone hahaha:) Her fur was all shaved off except for her tail hehe:) Nicky, on the other hand, came back, a vision of glorious beauty. Glossy black fur and white ruff neatly trimmed. He was bright-eyed and happy. :)

I'm off to Brisbane in a bit, but before I do, I'll go for a run first. Will be back in 3 days! Til then.

My most recent flight to Tokyo and then to Los Angeles is one of the best and most fulfilling flights I have ever done. I had to drag myself to work the day I departed and I was sure I'll be bored to death. I never really cared much about the shopping anyway. I did not even buy a single thing when I was in the states. In all honesty, I just don't being away for so long.

I had a really pleasant surprise! When I checked in for my flight, I realized one of my friends on the same flight! That cheered me up already. Then I saw the next name, it was my ex-classmate from primary 1 to 4! Oh my God. Can you imagine? We live in the same area, attended the same poly and yet completely lost touch for 10 over years! And we were reunited for the first time on flight!:)

The first night in Tokyo was uneventful coz there was too little time to do much. The real fun began when I was in Los Angeles. My friend's boyfriend was a passenger on our flight and the 3 of us rented a car on the first day and drove down to LA Gun Club.

Fucking hell, it was totally awesome handling a gun for the very first time. I am into dangerous shit like that sometimes when the mood strikes. We girls were trembling with excitement when we held the pistol. It was much heavier than I expected. We got 2 lanes, 3 pistols, 3 targets and 150 bullets. The gun shots coming from the other lane was so loud that we kept jumping with every shot fired. I hate the sound of a popping ballon and a gun shot is at least 10 times louder than that.

I loaded a bullet into my pistol and with my heart pounding furiously, I took aim and fired my first shot.

I missed.

I tried again and this time I hit the target sheet. As I gained my confidence, my excitement drowned out the sounds which had fazed me earlier on. I was not even bothered by the empty bullet shells flying over me from the next lane. I managed to hit the centre of the target a few times!

It is fucking exhilarating and you get a high just from the adrenaline rush. I can't wait to do it again man. We made our way down to Santa Monica but it was too dark by then to see anything.

The next day, we headed out to Death Valley National Park in California. It was a 3 hour drive there from Los Angeles. My gal friend and I took turns to drive as well although her b/f did most of the driving. It was quite a rush driving at 80 miles per hour but it didn't feel like we were going that fast coz all the cars were zipping past in equally alarming speeds!

We spent the whole day and evening driving through the park and stopping at various points to take in all the sights. I was silenced by the subtle beauty of it all. If you really know how to appreciate the wonder of nature, you'd love it. I felt an immense calm settling over me and I came back a different person. I could spend all day just doing that and I will not be bored. I feel really happy to have found a gal friend who shares the same sense of thrill and adventure as me:)

We came back at 3am in the morning and had to fly to Tokyo on the very same day.

Tokyo never fails to fascinate me. I have always liked Japan and this is one of the best times to be there because it is the cherry blossom season. A group of us made our way down to a temple to buy charms and make wishes. Then, we headed down to one of the more prominent parks in Ueno. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom and absolutely lovely.

Spent time catching up with Corine, my ex-classmate in Tokyo and I am glad we had so much to talk about:) Such a lovely and meaningful trip this time round. Now, I'm exhausted, have not slept well for more than a week so it is time for me to do so now. Goodnight! Muakz!

These days, I can't seem to find comfort in anything. Oh well, just gonna let these fucked up feelings run its course then I'll be ok.

Going off on a long trip, Tokyo, then to Los Angeles. Hopefully, I'll be much happier when I'm back.

Ciao.

Why do I seemingly have so much, and yet nothing at all?

The events that have taken place in my life since I last blogged have left me with mixed feelings and even pain. The opportunity that I have been waiting for has come my way. But suddenly, I am not ready. But then again, when can we ever be totally ready? I will not let this opportunity slip me by.

I am currently reading this book "The Five Stages of the Soul" by Dr. Harry R. Moody. This is one of the best reads I've ever come across in a long time. In a flash, I have gained an insight on so many things that has been happening in my life and have been struggling to comprehend. I am slowly beginning to understand.

Today, I feel a dull twisting pain in my heart. Pain and depression are my adversaries. Emptiness overwhelms me from time to time. But in most cases, my adversaries may be my helpers. I will make my life better.

This gonna be a short entry as i'm tired from a flight and I gotta wake up in 3 1/2 hours time...

I was sleeping in my hotel room in Sydney. I had a dream and it must have upset me quite greatly because tears were streaming down my face when I woke up for a brief moment.

Then I went back to sleep... and I can't remember what that dream was about.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Alan Cohen

Hello all you good people, I am in one of my irritatingly pensive moods again. Being cooped up at home for the past few days is sure to drive my restless mind into overdrive. Just like my physical self, my mind can't stay idle for long.

I felt instant connection with the words of that quote when I chanced upon it. Because it describes how I have recently decided to live my life.
I have never thought of myself as a brave person. In fact, I used to be this coward who did not pursue what I could have. In truth, I was a perfectionist who could not handle the thought of failure and I hated anything i was not good at hehe;p Then came a turning point... a few actually. There must have been some that I missed for I did not realize that I was morphing into someone I never thought I could become.

It was some scary shit, living in the darkness of the prison your mind has created from the pain of past emotions and regret. It was hell. Then, one day, I suddenly woke up and started seeing life in a different light. And the dark fog that has imprisoned me, lifted. And somewhere inside me, I found courage. It defines my life and as the quote suggests, powerful changes are taking place. I like it. I am starting to like it very, very much.

I am starting to see that the temporary pain of making certain decisions might very well be worth it. But is everyone capable of seeing the bigger picture, to look far ahead? Sometimes, I honestly doubt so.

Not too long ago, I decided to do something for myself despite violent objections from my bro and mom. Hell, I did not even know if I can do it. In truth, I had to quell my mounting fears when I heard one negative thing after another. That, on top of the perennial fear residing in me all my life. Then I told myself, "Fuck it, I am gonna do it." And with that, I sealed my fate.

I kid you not. The whole process of getting off days and leave a week's stretch each time caused me a lot of anxiety. I must have been incredibly blessed coz at the eleventh hour, I got what I wanted. I rested for a week prior to the check-up and went for it, not knowing what to expect.

The doctor, (young, capable and might I add, surprisingly good-looking;p) told me confidently that he could do it. No words can express the hope that was welling up in my heart and threatening to overflow. And my dear mommy, gave me the go ahead when she saw how much I wanted it, despite all her fears. That is real courage. I love my mom...

You know, it is amazing how calm your heart becomes when you follow what it truly desires. Two days ago, my past fears were absent as the nurses attended to me. I was totally relaxed when I lay down and watched instuments approaching my eye. Trust me, that thought used to freak the living daylights out of me. But for some weird reason, I felt no fear and was remained very still. It was over in 5 minutes.

There were no post-surgery symptoms, no discomfort, dryness, nothing. In the space of that 5 minutes over 2 days, my life changed. My myopia was so severe that I was not sure I could even have LASIK surgery or get back all my vision and be a slave to wearing glasses for the rest of my life. Then I'd have to quit flying and get a ground job and that's it for me.

I was rewarded for that one brave step that I took. After 15 years of being dependent on visual aids and groping blindly for my spectacles every morning. I finally have near-perfect eyesight.

In fact I can see better than I ever did than when I had my lenses on. Can you just imagine, that exultant joy that I am feeling? The wonder of it all. I felt like I have been given a new lease of life, despite all the odds.

If you don't call that a miracle, I don't know what else to call it. It only takes one brave step to make a difference. And with that, my new life has just begun.:)