Tossed and turned all of yesterday night, unable to get sound sleep. Fear resides at the back of my mind no matter how hard I try to push it away. Though things have been going well for me, but I am afraid of disappointing myself. Yet, I feel like I am losing steam and it is taking me a lot of effort to overcome the inertia.

The wait for my results is killing me and I am praying really hard for a miracle.

Nabei... I am in pain. Any effort on my part to fight off all sicknesses were in vain and I finally succumbed this morning. My throat is so fucked that I can barely speak.

In a dazed fashion, I walked in the sweltering heat, to see a doctor. I tried a few clinics in the vicinity but because it is a public holiday today, they were all closed. I was lucky the 3rd time round after a 45 minute search but I had to wait quite long for my turn. Anyhow, I killed time by studying some notes that I had brought along.

Falling ill is expensive business and my medical bill came up to a staggering amount. It is a very bad time for me to fall ill and I feel like shit. The mean streak in me is gone. All I want to do now is to curl up into a ball and sleep.

I am so unincredibly unmoved that I scare myself sometimes, but I cannot stay mean for long.

The little girl in me has gone into hiding once again. Gone is the playful and carefree nature that used to keep my spirits high.

There is little solace I can find in anything, but playing on the piano today did me a bit of good. I can't help but wish now, that I can be in another world altogether. Away from this.

While I did enjoy myself catching up with the gang, I was rather reserved most of the time. I am just so tired of drinking and socializing even though I don't do it that often now. I cannot help but miss Viv so damn much, it is just not the same without him.

I cannot get to sleep. All I want is a poot thing, all I want is him...

The author of 'The Padawan's Guide to CAP 385 Charts' cannot describe the current situation more aptly in his introduction. "It was at last time for you to RELAX. That's Perf A comes along and smacks you right between the eyes."

Nabei, I thought the worst was over. How wrong I was. I barely have time to catch my breath, when I am introduced to a whole new world of ANGR, AIC, CAP 385 charts and a multitude of techniques.

It never ends, does it? I really wonder how I am going to absorb this truckload of information in time for my exam next Friday. My head is still reeling from an overwhelming information overload, all that, while I painstaking pore over the endless number of charts, poking a million holes along my plastic strips to mark my points.

I feel like shit. The horrible weather is taking its toll on me and I am falling ill. Viv departed for Perth yesterday morning and I am missing him already, God knows when I can join him.

I can only pray really hard that I get to go on schedule.

It now all depends on that one paper that I fucked up yesterday. There is still the faintest glimmer of hope that I will clear everything in one go. Anyhoo, I did quite well for the other tougher papers.

I am so damn happy that I don't know what to write about. I am just so relieved. Gonna chill tonight and let my brain do nothing and rest. I will be needing it again for the next two weeks, starting tomorrow.

I bumped into a couple of ex-colleagues, on seperate occasions, at the airport today. I was in uniform, very different from the one I used to don. Their reaction, upon seeing me, made me feel very awkward indeed. They had similar reactions, shock and confusion and they both asked me the same question, "What are you doing now?!"

I did not bother to explain myself. This is something that I did not want to tell many people because I want to keep things as low profile as possible. I am however, not surprised that some would react the way they did today.

I can understand, it is just not something people would expect from a girl. On my part, I do not feel like I have to explain my choices.

Fucking tired and cranky now. I hope I can fall into a deep sleep tonight.

Never Never Give Up

Something to share... a friend sent me this email. I hope it will touch anyone who is reading this, just as it has touched me.

One day I decided to quit...

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. .. I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light.
I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would
not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared
to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. ..But just 6
months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo.
I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others."
He said.
"The bamboo had adifferent Purpose than the fern.
Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me.
"You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?"
I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you

Simple, yet puts many things to perspective. I feel better now.

Life sucks. There are several bees flying in my room right now. One of them got beheaded by the ceiling fan and its head fell on my lap top. They have been taking turns to land on my pillow and bed and now I have insect juice all over the sheets.

I am suffering from insomnia, I just cannot get to sleep and my exams are not over yet. This is a very bad situation to be in. Sigh.

I shall just try to nap now.