Saturday, June 25, 2011

Like every other morning since my mother's demise, I woke up with a heavy heart and I lay in bed, praying for the strength to get through the day.

My mother was the most important person in the world to me and when she breathed her last, my whole world came crashing down. Everything else was a blur after that, the wake, the funeral, collecting her ashes and placing the urn in its final resting place. It seems almost unreal that she is no longer around with us and I wish I could wake up from this bad dream and find her sitting at her usual spot at the dining table, but alas, she is really gone.

I sorted out the stack of bills my mom kept, looked through the notebooks where she made all her little notes in her neat, precise handwriting. Marveled at how organized she was, up to the day she was admitted to the hospital. All these things remind me of her and it is as if she is never really gone.

I opened her cupboard and just sat there, staring at her clothes and chanced upon a carefully kept photo album. I opened it, they were all pictures of me during my training days, my graduation and the day I did my flight training. My heart clenched. My mother never told me she was proud of me, but L, who attended my graduation with my mom, said I should have seen her face when I went up on stage to collect my wings, she was beaming with pride.

Although I could not fulfill her dream of seeing me happily settled down, at least I had the chance to make her proud for once. I do not really know how to go on from here but at least I am holding it together. My mother, she always knew what to do.

I miss her dearly.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Eulogy for Mom 1 Feb 1955 - 20 Jun 2011

It was a bittersweet moment for everyone, especially for those who have known my mother when she was alive, but take comfort in the knowledge that she passed away peacefully and has gone home to be with the Lord.

My mother was a gentle, loving soul, who would give and give selflessly and yet expect nothing in return. Her kindness extended not just to her loved ones and friends, but to everyone else who has had the privilege to have their lives touched by this amazing woman. She was the strongest person I knew, and in her own quiet and gentle way, her strength was absolute. Towards my 2 dogs, my brother, my father and I, her love for us was perfect. We are all very blessed to have had someone like her in our lives, working hard to make sure that we lacked nothing and that all our needs were taken care of, often neglecting that of her own. Such was the selfless love and devotion she showered upon us. So much so that she gave up her own dreams so that she could fulfill ours.

When she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in March last year, we did not know how long she had left to live. True to how most of us remember her, she thought only about her family. She worried about how we would be able to cope without her around and was considerate towards the very end. It was her wish that we kept the details of her condition within her immediate family and a few people, so that she could live her life with as much normalcy as possible and go on with her life without having to worry anyone else. My brother and I were only given the unenviable task of having to inform family and some close friends towards the last days of her life, when she knew it was time for her to go.

Personally, I have some regrets that I did not spend as much time with her as I would have liked, and told her how much I loved and appreciated her, that my family and I did not have the chance to fulfill her dreams. However, moving forward, we are glad that she accepted Jesus Christ and had gotten to know Him and experience His divine love and blessings. He gave her comfort and lifted the burden in her heart, as well as the peace which transcends all understanding. We were truly blessed to have walked this journey with her and to have taken care of her up to the very end, until we could do no more, but to fulfill her last wish of letting her go in peace and spend her last days in a hospice.

God's kindness is sovereign and He gave us that window when she regained consciousness, long enough to see and acknowledge our relatives gathered around her and the love surrounding her, that some of us got the chance to say the things we never got to say to her and assure her that everything will be ok. Most importantly, there was forgiveness and our family has drawn closer together.

A month before her demise, a friend brought 2 elders from his church to pray for her and my family. One of them saw a vision when she lay hands on my mother. It was a vision of Jesus cradling my mom in His arms like a baby. We were comforted by that image. It was only after her passing that we realized that it signified that the Lord was going to take her home.

I thank God for his perfect timing, for allowing my brother, my father and I to be by her side , holding on to her hand as she took her last breath and passed away peacefully.

I would like to close with Psalm 23, which was her favourite verse from the bible that brought her comfort in her darkest moments.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days in my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever.

Psalm 23:1-6

Mommy, we love you very much and we are joyful that you are at peace and can finally be with God. Your legacy will forever be immortalized in our hearts and you will fondly be remembered, always.