Thursday, December 28, 2006

Gonna keep this short. I fell sick on Christmas Eve, serious ear block and fever. Eardrum is swollen and still blocked but I am feeling better. Being ill did not stop me from having a fantastic time on the Eve though... I was happy to be where I was, doing simple things and with great company. That is the life! I received a few unconventional gifts that girls don't usually get but I loved them all=) Very thoughtful and it warmed my heart. It is really the smallest and simplest gestures that speak the most volumes.

Memorable Christmas, not with snow, but with cloudless blue skies and lots of sun. Perhaps one day, when my dreams become a reality, I'll be there too.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

So life remains a mystery, too complex for all of us to comprehend. Instead of struggling to, I tell myself to allow myself to be pleasantly surprised, and to be prepared to handle anything, come what may. That, as opposed to worrying incessantly and going apeshit about things that have not happened YET, or may not even happen. Although, I am not a worry wart by nature, I do admit I still get 'concerned' about things.

Today, in liberated spirit, I told myself to let things be, and only deal with it when the shit happens. That is why I love the expressions, "No worries" and "Don't sweat the small stuff". They will serve me very well when I start to get unhappy.

No amount of worrying will prepare us for life's changes. I no longer have fear of the unknown, because we will never know anyway. It is only recently that I truly understand the meaning of going with the flow and letting my intuition guide me up to the point I have to make a decision.

Once I do that, I will go with the flow once more, albeit a controlled flow, without regrets.

If I may say so, I think that up til this point, I have managed to keep most aspects of my life in a delicate balance. No longer, will I will let the pendulum swing too wildly and out of control.

I woke up this morning, from the best sleep I have had in ages, and arrived at a conclusion... Let the good experiences in life define you and not what you own. Keep life simple and live for the moment, the moments that make you smile and take your breath away.

Looking back, the happiest moments of my life are the ones that are unexpected and simple. For many things that go my way, the unexpected surprises I get more than makes up for it because they are usually better. The happiest people are also the ones who take it easy and have simple wants.

This year has been one of many immaterial blessings for me. Despite the occasional stagnancy and stuff that gets me down, it is a growth process and I have learnt many valuable lessons.

The nordic rune tattoo around my right hip translates to 'Faith, hope and happiness.' It is a reminder to keep the faith, for without which, there is no hope and without hope, there is no happiness. That sums it all up.

Well, my Christmas present was unexpected and it came early! Many things just click into place. May it be the best and most meaningful Christmas for me and everyone. With that, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! May it be one of forgiveness and memorable moments and may it bring glad tidings. Have a blessed New Year!

=)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

From the bottom of my heart, I truly value the close ties that I have managed to forge with those who have become dear to me. People, who are my pillars of strength and have laid the foundation I need for personal and spiritual growth. They have lifted my spirits up through the uncertain periods and made all that difference. These blessings that have lit up my life are a constant reminder that there is still happiness and all things good in this world.

The heavy downpour has kept me from running outdoors, but on the upside, it is the perfect weather to be staying in and playing on the piano. I managed to do my practice for 2 hours today and the day before. Quite an achievement, considering I am someone who gets distracted pretty easily, heh...

Off to Melbourne first thing tomorrow morning, hope I fall into a deep sleep tonight.

Friday, December 15, 2006

We can accomplish anything we want, just not everything we want.
Having free high-speed internet access from my hotel room is a godsend. My lap top and the books that I brought along are enough to keep me happily occupied. So much so that I do not feel like leaving the comfort of the hotel room.

It does not help that it is so freaking cold outside that I can feel my lips turning a dark shade of blue whenever the wind blows. I cannot even talk properly. Nabei lah. Worst of all, I lose all sensation of my toes, fingers and ears after awhile. God, I hate that!

Working on a brand new aircraft for the very first time was quite an experience. It is like being thrown into the sea and being forced to swim for your life. It is the kinda situation that the only thing on your mind is to 'survive' the flight. But hey, we all did it and worked well together.

It was amusing to note that I was being bossed around but I knew it was not personal hehe;p Interesting to see 2 personalities in one person 'checking' one another. If you get what I mean.

Ah well, I will enjoy the day ahead. Later then.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

And today is one of those days...

That I crave routine, order and normalcy. I want none of the complications or drama in my life. I just want to feel settled... to be around. Yet, I long to abandon all the cares in the world that bog people down and just live my life as an adventure and experience it to the fullest. Where things stand at the moment, I am constantly adapting and changing, different mindsets to deal with different situations, getting used to different environments, weather and crossing timezones. My mind and body is under stress but ah what the hell lah, the best way I know how to deal with it is A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.

I received this quote by in my email today, quite timely I must say, and I would like to share it.

'The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.'


It is a gift and a choice that we all have. If I can control my attitude, I can control my life. You know, I struggle with myself all the time but when I apply THAT to my life, things become a whole lot easier and I feel more empowerment.

I woke up with the sensation that my heart was being clenched into a tight fist. I feel moody but I know for a fact that it is not depression because I honestly have no reason to be upset. It is not fatigue because I had uninterrupted sleep and that, despite having had a busy morning, I still have loads of energy coursing through my mind and body.

I think I know why though... Spiritual starvation. Cliche as it may sound, 'soul searching' comes to mind. Material things do not interest me anymore, nor being better than everyone else. What do I want? What matters now? I do have an inkling, but maybe the answers will reveal themselves to me soon.

It is amazing how we can have a myriad of emotions in just one day. I experience a full range of feelings from the moment I am awake, to the time I finally sleep. I guess the trick is to find that intricate balance so that I don't go cuckoo one day. I am doing a pretty good job of compartmentalizing my feelings so that it doesn't spill over and affect the various aspects of my life. It is ever-changing, just like how life is. I have learnt to accept things don't stay the same always, they never do. So instead of fretting and fearing changes, I leave it all up to God. That gives me a peace of mind and hope, in the craziness of this world we live in.

I have my goals and I know how I want to lead my life. I do not hanker for more material things and more money. Enough is good. I want meaning and passion, and when I occasionally glance at the bigger picture, I see a happy and simple life.

I look at my dogs and I understand something. They are happy because their wants are simple. Shelter, food, walks and lots of love.

It must be nice.=)

A long run before my flight to Paris tonight would make me happy. I feel I have accomplished quite a bit today and now I am feeling good about myself. Yesterday I told myself I will do 5 rounds of 1km and I did. Today I will do 6. Now all I have to do is wait for the rain to stop.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Forgotten Christmas(es)

Christmas... I have forgotten all about it. Where was the joy the festive season used to bring me? Where was its spirit that would lift me out of the doldrums and infuse my soul with merriment and cheer? What happened to the thrill of setting up and decorating the Christmas tree with pretty ornaments and lights year after year? Gone. Even the excitement of shopping for Christmas presents, exchanging gifts and singing my favourite Christmas carols was missing, and for a long time.

The realization whacked me in the face. Christmas had just became another day to me.

So what the fuck happened? Perhaps, it has something to do with that one particular Christmas that will forever be etched in my memory. It was half a decade ago but from that year onwards, I became indifferent, unmoved and I just didn't give a damn about the festive season anymore.

I attended church this afternoon with low spirits and a very sore throat. The sermon was aptly titled, The Light of Christmas. Today, I finally understood the true meaning of Christmas.

For some reason, Christmas lighting has always held me in rapt fascination. It comforted me just to gaze at the running lights and immerse myself in it. The wonder of Christmas lights, unknown to me until just now, actually has a biblical significance because it represents the light of Jesus Christ and reveals the darkness in our hearts.

I learnt that Christmas is actually a time to release the fears that have been paralyzing us. The first step is not to deny them but to admit them, and then we commit them to God, for we are never in control. The fears that were clenching my heart in a tight fist are starting to take its toll on me by wearing my spirit down. I thought I knew better and tried rationalizing and dealing with them in my own way. My way obviously did not help much because, I would wake up with a heavy heart every morning. The moment I admitted them and let go, was the moment I freed myself from the invisable iron chains that bound me.

Christmas is also a time to return to God. There have been many times that I feel that I been forsaken by even God himself and that I am all alone to fend for myself. Very often, I realized that the things that I want the most and try very hard to get, often slip through my fingers. I fight to do things my way because I thought I understood myself best. Then I end up feeling extremely disappointed because I have lost. It is a shit feeling to have and it is often acheived by self-sabotage. Heh. Life became so much easier when I let go and allow him to lead me to what he has planned for me, which is always better. The pastor's words ring so true at this point of time. He said, "If God seems so distant, it is not because he has moved away from you, it is because YOU have moved away from him."

We are not perfect and we are all born sinners. Therefore, forgiveness is the greatest need in our lives. We all have to sin before we can receive God's forgiveness. Without Christmas, there will be no forgiveness of sin, that is a revelation to me and I opened my heart to him and submitted myself.

I felt his presence and I was moved by the prayer. All of a sudden, I could see the light once again and I walked out, renewed with a new spring in my step. I found meaning in Christmass all over again.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I have not experienced real joy for some time now, but today, I truly did. I really cannot believe my luck sometimes! I was caught off guard when I had the unexpected chance to do what I have always looked forward to doing. I just did not know it would be today!

Pure exhilaration, it was totally, totally awesome! In my heart, I have always known I would love it, and I did! It felt right and I cannot be any happier and there was a huge smile on my face to show for it hehe:)

God bless the person who was nice enough to give me this opportunity. There are really genuinely kind people left in this world. Today, I know what it is like to walk the earth with my eyes turned skywards. It is where I long to return.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Life... I love it enough not to hate my existence. Just when I thought I've got it all sorted out for now, life's funny intricacies creeps up and bites you in the ass. It's like... I know the direction I want to head and how I am going to approach the unique situation I am in. I know what sort of person I am now, and I actually like, me. (Although, I can be better) I know what I want and where I am headed.

Or, so I thought.

Then someone comes along and plants a seed of doubt and it has now grown into a big plant. The roots have not sunk in deep enough but it is a major struggle just to try and yank it out. It is enough to create fear and make me question myself over and over and over.

A conversation that I had last night that made me shed quite a bit of tears. I was being told that men like to have me as a friend but they will not commit to me because I am too strong and ambitious for my own good. And that, what men really want is a housewife who will be there with the kids when they come home every night. Oh and also, I must learn to be submissive and more passive, learn to wear more skirts and dresses and to stop wearing jeans all the time.

THAT, is HER ideal image of me, she admitted it as much. Honestly, it is something I am capable of doing and I will even enjoy that role, as hard as it is to imagine. Haha!;) Unfortunately, it takes a man who is stronger and secure enough with himself to love me, to bring that side out of me. Truth is, I am not as strong and unyielding as some people might believe me to be. I am this way because I have to fend for myself. I am also a huge believer in being strong for myself before I can be strong for others.

Maybe I should not let it get to me, but it did. Enough to make me cry again while I was practising the piano this morning. I think I have been numbing out the pain for too long. It feels good to cry sometimes...

Although, living my life based on the expectations of others may lull me into a paralyzing existence, if there is a perfectly good reason for me to, like love for example, I will be happy to change. We are all always changing anyway... every experience defines me and makes me discover another facet of myself.

In this moment of uncertainty, I will still hold out for someone who will make me happy and vice versa. That is not going to change. Someone who will bring out the best in me, only then I will be content to follow. I will not get into another relationship because of convenience or need. I am just so sick and tired of fighting for and with myself, all I want to do is to curl up into a ball.

My best friend, Nicole said to me, "When I counted my blessings, I counted you." Those words will forever touch me and remind me why I am special to her in my own way. As we all struggle to find meaning in our lives, touching the lives of others and knowing that you made that difference, no matter how big or small, is one of the best things to live for. I just want to have joy in my life. I will submit myself to God in all totality because I am just too emotionally drained.

On hindsight, better go get myself more skirts, dresses and all things pretty hahaha!:) Maybe mom knows best.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Blogging from Zurich right now. The more I listen to people's life stories, the more I feel I learn and yet, the more jaded I feel. But again, it reminds me to appreciate whatever blessings I have, even though I know it will not always remain the same throughout my life. It is a double-edged sword really...

Nothing is forever. Things will always change, circumstances, people, environment... everything changes. For better or for worse. The best way I know how to deal with all these changes is to take it in my stride and and adapt, while doing my best not to compromise on what I hold dear to me.

One of my friends said it will not rain forever. Again, profound wisdom in such simple words. In your darkest hour, when you look left and right and there is no one beside you, you can't look back because it is the past and you can't look forward because you don't know what to expect, the only way is to look up to God.

Everything is all good at the moment but I know that my life journey will take me to the foot of yet another mountain. I still have my whole life ahead of me and I will keep those words close to my heart.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Feels weird going away after being around in SG for 2 weeks. I have only been doing turnarounds afterall up til now. Flying off to Zurich tonight, exhaustion is setting in but I will not think about it until I arrive at my destination. It will be very cold at this time of the year.

Going off to get ready now, it is gonna be a long night!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Some things are harder to talk about. Today, I woke up still feeling very bad despite telling myself that what was being said had no ill intentions. I guess what got to me was the action, rather than the words itself. But I will not take it to heart.

Sigh.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

It was an effort to drag my ass down to church today despite nursing a mild hangover. I was only a tad high when I left but I woke up feeling dehydrated and with my head spinning. Nabei. I will try not to mix my drinks the next time round and keep the whole partying business down to a minimum. I will just stick to my white wine if I have to drink.

Personally, I don't find much enjoyment in it anymore, especially if there is no good music to dance to. The only fun part was meeting so many people I know, and finding out that everyone knows each other or are linked to one another. It is a freaking small world out there and the 'six degrees of seperation' hypothesis is becoming more evident, except that this is on a smaller scale.

Anyhow, although I did not feel the connection with today's sermon at all, I felt comforted and at peace just being there. It was a different speaker this time but his words did not 'speak' to me. Sometimes, when I am having a conversation with someone, or simply reading a book or a passage, the words just jump out at me and make an instant connection. Today, a friend shared with me a poem that I had a total affinity with. The words of the poem were like gems of wisdom that soothed my soul and sheds light on everything that has been happening in my life thus far. The words called out to me.

GOD KNOWS BEST
by Helen Steiner Rice

Our Father knows what's best for us,
So why should we complain ...
We always want the sunshine,
But He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter
And the merriment of cheer;
But our hearts would lose their tenderness
If we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow;
He tests us, not to punish us,
But to help us meet "tomorrow."

For growing trees are strengthened
When they withstand the storm;
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain;
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings
That God has so freely sent;
We will find no cause for murmuring
And no time to lament.

For Our Father loves His children,
And to Him all things are plain;
So He never sends us "pleasure"
When the "soul's deep need is pain."

So whenever we are troubled,
And when everything goes wrong,
It is just God working in us
To make "our spirits strong."

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Getting back into the swing of things! My mood these days, is one of high spirits and optimism once again. The dark clouds that have plagued me over the months seem to have parted to reveal the light. This year has been one of many hidden blessings for me. Many people have come into my life in the oddest and most unexpected ways. While some will become a constant influence in the years to come, others will only pass by and fade into oblivion thereafter. Yet, it is interesting to see how things can go one full circle and come back to me, somehow.

It has been a rather stagnant, non-productive year, but one where I have learnt many valuable life lessons. During one of my conversations with a friend yesterday, he suddenly quipped, "Success is a poor teacher." It is one of those single one-liners that make perfect sense and bring about an immense comfort.

Does it not have such a powerful meaning? When things go our way all the time, we take it for granted and we miss out on an opportunity to learn. Sometimes, it is better to experience failure in small doses, so we can handle other major upsets better, deal with it and then move on. Nothing in this world is forever, we are constantly subjected to trials and tribulations at different stages. I feel like I have to be on my toes all the time but it keeps me alert, allows me to grow mentally and spiritually, and makes me appreciate whatever I have even more.

I have witnessed how individuals deal with emotional anguish in different ways. Some break down and cry openly, while others show a brave front to the world and cry their heart out in private. The worst kind is to self-destruct, because there may be no return. Personally, I have been on that path before when I was much younger, but I pulled myself out of it in time. It was the most painful lesson I have ever had to learn but it is one which will serve me well later in life. I do not break down in front of people, nor do I do so in private. I think I can count the number of times I actually cried this year with one hand. Hehe! I deal with shit by finding an outlet for release. What works for me is running, writing, playing the piano, immersing myself in music, reading or just simply talking about it. When I glance back occasionally, I have had no regrets with the way I have handled my life since my 'turning point'. As the saying goes, when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade.

I have been quite disciplined these days. I actually sat down in front of the piano and practised for 2 hours yesterday and today without realising it. That is because I forced myself to practise freaking scales and arpeggios . Rows after rows of them in majors, melodic and harmonic minors, thirds and sixths apart. I have not even got to the chromatic scales yet. Oh God, I cannot believe that I did not touch them for one whole damn year. Luckily I do not have to re-learn them all over again, but I have to perfect them and play from memory. Scary shit.

Ah well, I can feel a nice tingle in my toes. It is a great start to a nice weekend, more good things to come!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Finally... a real break following four, fast and furious turnarounds in a row. In between catching my breath, dealing with a persistent tension headache and totally knocking out after that, I found the time to reflect and think about a thing or two.

There was this sudden snap realization on what has been gnawing at me the past few of months. Thus, I made the decision to put my foot firmly down and say NO. No to something which I feel obligated to do, but have serious reservations about.

Sometimes life is tough like that. I believe many of us have been caught in situations whereby we find it hard to say 'no' even if against our better interests, because we have this subconscious need for people to think well of us. Me and my itchy posterior again... I put myself in a position where I tried to commit myself to something which I was just not feeling all hot about.

I deeper I feel I have sunk into it, the more the invisable alarm bells went off, which I ignored. Why? Because I don't like the idea of 'quitting' halfway, or what the nice people I feel obligated to, would think. I tried my best to be positive and happy about it. But even for a naturally optimistic person like me, all that effort to try and psych myself up did not work.

How did that affect me? I experienced a multitude of ongoing issues all of a sudden and a few aspects of my life started going downhill. For no rhyme or reason, I started feeling jaded, lethargic, dull and seriously quite brain dead. Then, I started having these tension headaches which prompted my doctor to say to me, "You are not superwoman, give some things up because you are trying to do too much."

So I made my decision to give it up and I will stick by it. Fuck obligations, it is still not too late to pull out of it. Believe me, the moment I did that, it was as if the gears of my life started turning again and I could feel the stagnancy slowly lifting. That, is the power of a decision, it creates changes that can literally turn the whole course of your life. I can feel the surge of the familiar energy in me once again. Without passion, there is no meaning for me. It makes all that difference...

I feel like I have been given a new lease of life, now I can start over. I will end this entry with a quote my friend shared with me.

There are many things in life that will catch your eyes, but only some will catch your heart. Pursue those!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A good friend, who has always been by my side throughout the years popped up online tonight. He is like a big brother to me and I have not heard from him in months since he moved to Japan. He is living such a life of difference now and I am so, so delighted for him!

Our conversation came at a good time... Starting to feel a tad inspired all over again. I am too exhausted to feel its full effects but now, I will go and rest. I will need to realign my energies before I can start over.
A couple of months it has been, and my life has begun to take on a jaded quality. I feel like I am being put through a rigorous test of sorts, a test of my faith and willpower. I know I am taking on so many things at one time that I end up completing nothing. I am slowly being buried alive under self-induced pressure. Yet, I pursue everything with a feverish and dogged kind of determination. As much as I hate to admit it, I am almost at my limit. Perhaps, I am putting on some sort of facade, and I manage to fool myself that I can handle it when things do not go the way I want them to. But, it may not be an act afterall. If I am not as strong as I have myself believe, I would have cracked by now.

Like india rubber, I always bounce back into shape even after I get seriously squashed. I am saved by my positivity and optimistic nature. However, sometimes I wonder if I must break down one day before I can startover. At the moment, I feel suffocated and paralyzed by the stagnancy of the current state of my life. Believe me when I say it is SO MUCH easier to say 'fuck it' and just give everything up. But can I? The idea of quitting now and regretting it much later in life leaves me cold. When I could give things up so easily in my youth, I am just not that same person anymore.

Physical and mental fatigue is taking its toll on me and spiritually, I feel starved. My mind keeps wandering off when I try to focus. I am doing my best to fight the inertia, but it seems to be a losing battle. I would describe my situation as an organized state of chaos. I can only comfort myself by repeating to myself 'baby steps, one thing at a time'. Easy to say but very hard to apply. The burning question is, how long more?

Blessings... I have had quite a few lately. They come in the form of the people who have somehow stumbled into my life. I have always maintained that some things are too just too coincidental to have happened by accident. They may very well be part of the design of an intricate life plan. Ah well, these things will always remain a mystery... A phone call from a concerned friend made it all better last night, a nice end to a horrible and absolutely trying day.

Today was a much better day, I am only suffering from a tension headache. Now, I just need my rest.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Dragged my ass out of bed to go for a run this morning. It is not an easy feat fighting that inertia, especially with the sun beating so strongly down on me and sapping my energy with every step I take. I pushed myself to run at 90% of my heart rate (according to my heart rate monitor), and I was literally this half dead chicken, doing what felt like the longest 30 min run, for this year.

However, I must say I am glad I am starting to run regularly again. Once I get past the initial inaction, I just don't feel like slowing down. A runner's high is really addictive, and I have almost forgotten how hyper and mentally alert I feel after a good run. Today was no exception. The moment my heart rate slowed down enough for me to breathe normally, I was bouncing all around the house, much to the amazement of my dogs. Then, I happily walked into a big puddle of Miko's pee on the floor and I went...

Nabei!!!=(

Sigh... she is always like that... Sort of toilet trained, but somehow, does not get it right most of the time. I cannot stay angry with her for long though. It's like, how do you get angry at a total darling who looks up at you with such trusting eyes. Just cannot lah.

BUT, I am not so forgiving when it comes to people who make really fucked up, totally insensitive comments. Sometimes, it just amazes me, the things that can come out of people's mouths. I mean, really.

Yesterday, I witnessed an exchange between a few people that made me want to get really violent. One of them, a woman complimented another lady on her looks, saying that she looks young and very good for her age and then asked her what her secret was. Before she could reply, this man who happened to be present, let go a comment, obviously without much thought.

"Aiyah, so obvious, suck **** lah."

Then, "You never see the Zoe Tay ad meh? She also said she swallows."

Fuck lah, I don't believe the nerve of such people. That is just TOTAL disrespect and so not funny. Even if it was meant to be a joke, it is of fucking poor taste. I think she was offended but she played along a little just to diffuse the situation. No point engaging such bozos in a conversation, I would have just dismissed him with a wave of my hand. Such a fucking turn-off.

The weird thing is, I did not remember him being like that before. Time and circumstances does change a person. Oh well.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Off to Auckland in a few hours time. I am going to be seriously, seriously burnt out. I am not looking forward to the mental and physical fatigue but I am keeping my spirits up!

I will be doing 3 turnarounds in a row without any off days after coming back, changed flights with a friend, long story but ah well... It is for a good reason and I will live lah.

Don't go down that easily. Ta!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

It is amazing just how attending church on Sunday can make a difference.:) I won't go into detail because I gotta go out soon, but all I can say is, I am glad I went.

Anyway, I think I must be looking younger and prettier these days... Why do I say so? Because lately, I have had quite a few encounters where secondary school girls bitch about me when I am in the washrooms, or the next table from theirs, and I have not had that in YEARS. Oh God! Hahahaha!

And I was just minding my own business and not even dressed to attract attention! So I am really more amused than anything else, it is really quite hilariously funny lah! Hehe:) Wah lau, please lah, I am like an adult already and these things don't upset me like they used to when I was still in my teens.

Gals, pick on someone your own age or talk to THE hand.=)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Absolutely breathtaking...I watched the sun slowly rise in all its golden splendour. It is like a glorious promise that marks a brand new beginning to every day. And somewhere, in another part of the world, the sun sets, lining the clouds with a silver glimmer of hope.

That is how I see the world. It empowers me and makes me look upon everything with positivity. I mean if you think about it, how bad can things really be if you can take charge of the way you want to lead your life? When the occasional shit happens, things do not come to a standstill and freeze in that moment of eternity, life goes on. It always does, and as long as I remind myself of that... I will have the courage to forge ahead.

I have always loved the sound of running water and the sight of the natural waterfall gushing down the rocks made me forget my weariness and fatigue. It is located in a woodland area that I suspect not many people know about, and it is the perfect picture of serenity and calm. Well, it is one of those instances where I let my crazy instincts take over and I started to climb. It was a steep climb up and I did not stop to think that it could be dangerous and that I could slip, fall and hurt myself very badly. Fear did not exist then, I just saw the top and I wanted to get there.

My mind was just so focused at the point of time that it literally blocked out everything else. I just kept going steadily, one step at a time. Finally climbed high enough to see the tops of the trees and was greeted with a view you can only see if you fly a plane over the area. The feeling is totally out of this world. If I were to try and put my feelings into words, I would describe it as a soaring feeling and and an incredible feeling of lightness and dizzy happiness. It was exhilarating!

Then I was struck by a thought. Nabei, how do I get down? It was quite a long way to the bottom but fuck lah, gotta do it anyway right? If not, I won't be sitting here and blogging about it. (Actually, I really wouldn't mind staying there hehe;p ) Anyway, I suspect I was possessed by the spirit of a mountain goat or something, because I did not have much trouble climbing down, it would have been quite disastrous if I were to slip...

And, my mom would go crazy if she knows what I have been up to hehehe.;p

So that day, I learnt a valuable lesson. As long as I focus and keep looking ahead, and not allow myself to be discouraged by the immediate situation at hand and give up, I will finally be at where I want to be. I guess sometimes I gotta take it easy and do things one step at a time, and always look at the bigger picture. I have also realized that if I erase fear from my dictionary, I can actually achieve a lot. It is fear that holds me back. My brother summed it up best when he said, "Those who have nothing to lose, are the most powerful."

Wah.

Makes you think, doesn't it? More often than not, sudden revelations come to me when I am penning down my thoughts or talking to people. I feel I can learn a lot about myself and other things just by hearing what other people have to say. Sometimes, through meaningful conversations, I get to unearth some precious gems of wisdom from the experiences of others.

A really motivating experience that defines yet another a memorable moment in my life. Now, this is what I live for, to be inspired!

=D

Friday, October 20, 2006

I can hear the cries of protest all day long and I wonder if the birds are feeling the same way as I. Miko attacked and nearly killed a smog-intoxicated bird that flew in through the window.

The bird jumped into the water feature outside my room to escape. Very smart move on its part. I picked it up and it was surprisingly very calm and did not even shit on me. It just sat still in my hand while I dried its feathers with a hairdryer. Then my dad left it on the window sill and it flew away eventually.

My life is just full of surprises sometimes, when I least expect them. Just as well, my brain is too fogged up to think and I am functioning at a half-peak performance. Not something I am comfortable with but what the heck. I need to take it easy and pray for more rain.

Gotta get out of the country tonight. Lovely Osaka, it's been awhile.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Please let it rain soon...

I hardly fall sick, but when I do, I fall sick in a big way. I have had a persistant splitting headache, accompanied by dizzy spells since coming back home. And if that is not enough, my body feels very weak I have been having tremors all day long. I feel so suffocated.

I have been taking refuge at home whenever I can. Now, I can't wait to fly off, so I can get away from this terrible discomfort.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I left Perth with happy memories aplenty just as the sun was just beginning to rise and everything was washed in a beautiful warm, golden glow. It was absolutely breathtaking and that moment will be forever etched in my mind.

I love being surrounded by nature, it is the simple, beautiful things in life which makes me truly happy. I love being up in the mountains with greenery all around, or simply staring at the sea and hearing the hypnotic lullaby of the crashing waves. Nothing beats Looking up at endless expanse of blue skies though, I would be contented to do that all day, absolute heaven.

Then I touched down into Singapore and I peered out of the window of the aircraft... Fucking hell, I thought I was in Genting Highlands. The haze was so bad and the visability so poor, that the distant buildings looked like they were shrouded in a fog.

Nabei, the dust particles irritated my eyes and I sneezed so much I had difficulty breathing. I felt quite incredulous when 2 of my friends called me up and asked if i wanted to go for a run. I miss running very much but I don't think it is worth getting an asthma attack over.

Today I sat down at the piano and played my own version of Canon in D by Pachebel. I play that song every chance I get because I improvised on the original and the music is in my head, not in score. I like my version quite a bit and it would be terrible if I were to forget how to play it.

That aside, life is starting to get interesting all over again. I will elaborate further when I write again.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Back. So much to do, so little time. What else is new?

My flight to London had 'uh oh' written all over it. Firstly, I had a really trying day, shitloads to do and shitloads to be concerned about. Then I left my house keys and token at home, so I cannot get anything done even though I arrived at control early. Oh, but I have to be gracious and keep my smile up, even though I felt like being a bitch and asking everyone to fuck out of my face. I was not in the right frame of mind to work. Thank God I kept my emotions under control, because everything turned out alright.

However, it was the toughest London flight I can ever remember doing. Of course, it does not beat the time I did my 3rd solo virgin flight there. That was well... a flight I will always remember for the wrong reasons haha!:)

There were a number of insufferable people that got on my nerves however, but it was all good. What made my day? At the end of the flight, the crew under probation whom I was a mentor to, came up to me and thanked me profusely. She said I was very patient and reassuring. That came as a surprise, it really did.

It is a not a good thing sometimes. Food for thought, when people see a good side of someone first, it is often harder for them to accept if the person has an off day and decides to be a bitch. Isn't that always the case?

Ah what the fuck, gonna rest now and do as much as I can before I fly off again on tomorrow night. Today will be another good day.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I managed to get quite a bit of things done today, including practising the piano. I am feeling much better. Checking my new roster now, before I leave for the airport in 15 minutes. Well, still a ton of things to do before I take off, but I am feeling a small sense of satisfaction.

Sent out a few msgs today, heartwarming to know that they came at the right time for some friends. I miss everyone of my closer friends, and yes, I do miss you too.

Off I go now.
I miss my mommy...

And I called her to tell her that, for the first time in 23 years. She has gone away to Malaysia for a few days and I will not be seeing her until I come back from London on the 13th.

My friend's mother called me while I was in Jakarta, to say thank you. All I did was to agree to bring some mooncakes to her son, studying all the way in London. It was just a simple gesture on my part, but I was surprised by how grateful she sounded. Unknown to her, she touched my heart in many ways and made me realize a few things.

I thought about my own mommy... The smile on her face when I walk through the front door... Happy, when I choose to stay at home to spend some time with her, just talking... How she would suddenly not want to go to work just because I happen to be around... Her constant worrying about me... God, the emotions I am feeling right now are hard to express in words.

Especially, when it hit me that I have taken her for granted many, many times. No doubt, she can be very harsh, often driving me to tears when she puts me down... thinking that it is for my own good. I used to resent her for that, often having to use every ounce of my willpower to keep my temper in check and not lash out at her. But I do know one thing, she loves me, my younger brother and the dogs very much and has always given us the best that she can give.

She resists changes and I know deep down, it scares the hell out of her when she realizes how much I have grown up and making my own big decisions in life. I know she is fearful that I will slip, make mistakes, and live to regret forever. It is a natural instinct for her, as my mother, to protect and shelter her little girl from the 'big, bad world' out there. More often than not, it is not in my best interests.

I talked to her about it one day and she has accepted everything I had to say. I will do her proud and I will be strong for her and myself. I love my mommy very much.

I am worried about my daddy again... I need to sleep now, flying off to London tonight. God give me strength for everything I have to face, I am praying very hard but I will take it easy. Things always work out for the best.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Moral Dilemma

What do you do when you are faced with a moral dilemma?

Do you do the right thing and be honest, even though it may mean losing the only thing that you really, really, really want right now...?

Or, do you tell a little white lie where there is a chance that you may not be found out, to increase your chances of getting what you really, really, really want...? But, will come back and bite you back in the ass when you least expect it.

Ah.

I decided to do what's right.

Sigh... and then pray hard and hope for the best. Strange... since when did I become like this? I am used to getting my way all the time, by any means, as long as it will work to my advantage.

Sudden revelation, I just will not do that anymore. I do not think that I can live with myself.

Nabei lah. Life was so much easier being a bitch hehehe;p One tough decision after another... but fuck it, I know I can handle it. I am in control of my life and I will walk the talk. Afterall, no matter how afraid I am, I must be strong for myself first before I can be strong for others.

Somehow, I know that things will work themselves out. It may not be the way I want it to initially, but it will be better.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I did not need a punching bag afterall and I did not go to church today but I heard the distant chime of church bells and I felt that I was there, in spirit.

I spoke to Him in my heart, "Lord, it is just you and me..." And I began. It was a private conversation where I bared my soul. Then I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted, replaced by a warm glow of calm that took its place.

The horrible feelings that consumed me this morning was gone and for that I am glad. I really do not want to that kind of negativity to plague me and bring me down. I simply will not allow it, I am empowered to take control of my life and I will.

At this point of time, however, I only want to be alone. There is this need to shut everyone out, but I think it will do me good. I get edgy and start putting up barriers when I feel people are trying to come into the invisable circle I have drawn around myself. It is selfish, but I think I need to focus on what is inside me, only when I am ready, then I can start giving to the world.

Don't get me wrong, I will always be there for my friends, to listen and to share, my heart is not cast in stone, I just need a recluse. If I get any unwelcomed intrusion, I'll be sure to push, and I will make sure I push hard hahahahhahaha!p

Don't mind me, just the edgy bitch talking. Gotta report for work now, with a smile of course.
For the first time in a long while, I cannot quite describe what I am feeling inside. I just know that I feel absolutely fucked up, and I mean
A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y.

I am still not feeling very well and yet, I could not sleep til 6.30am this morning and I woke up at 2.5 hours later because my dogs refuse to stop barking. It is taking every goddamn ounce of self-control to curb my violent tendencies.

It is that time of the month get women irrational, crazy for no apparent reason and mood-swingy. But honestly, this is bad, very bad. I think I will stop here before I scare everyone. I want to be left alone now, I need my recluse, please.

Give me a fucking punching bag and I will be happy.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Sigh, I finally succumbed to the virus that has been going around... It was one angst-ridden night yesterday. I tossed and turned and finally tossed myself out of bed. My ears, nose and throat were itching all at the same time and my sleep was interrupted all night long.

I did not need to wake up so early so you can imagine what sort of mood I was in when I woke up at 7am this morning. Yep, bad, very bad... Dust and pollen are triggers for me. So much for not falling sick for more than a year... Bah.

So, I went to see a doctor this afternoon to get some medicine before my condition gets worse. I had mean thoughts of shoving people aside when they got in my way but I think I am feeling too weak and faint to be able to do that.

Damn, I feel so unproductive, it takes a superhuman effort to get things done today. Now, all I want to do now is lie down. Sigh.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


MEMORY

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun



Memory, from Cats: The Musical. I was a little girl when I first heard this song and I fell in love with it instantly. It was that haunting melody and the total affinity with the lyrics and the meaning of song which pulled at my heartstrings.

I forgot all about this song when I was in the process of growing up. I favoured pop, rock and even heavy metal. Then 2 days ago, I sat down at the piano to play a few songs. For some reason which I can't quite put my finger to, that song came back to me, like a forgotten love of the distant past.

I toyed with the first few notes of the melody, then the accompaniment. Before long, I was playing the whole song on the piano, complete with the melody and background. It was as if, the music was dormant in me all this while. It has always been my wish to be able to play anything I wanted but I have never done that before, imagine the possibilities! I feel a rush of excitement just thinking about it!

I spent a good part of today morning fine-tuning my interpretation of Memory , putting my heart and soul into perfecting it. I was lost in that moment of tranquility where everything becomes one, becomes whole.

I will bring back the exuburence and the natural curiosity of a child into my life. Dreams, hope and where fairytales come to life. How could I have forgotten?

Monday, September 25, 2006

There is a reason why people say 'bless you' whenever someone sneezes, and that is because the heart momentarily stops beating during a sneeze. Fuck man, judging by the number of times I have been sneezing throughout the evening yesterday, I should have been dead by now.

Something must have triggered off some sort of allergies, I think I sneezed for at least a good 4 hours. Either that, or many people are thinking of me at the same time haha!;p Anyway, I woke up today with the back of my shoulders aching from all that heaving before every mighty sneeze. If this goes on, I might just get an asthma attack.

Nabei.

I went for a short run this morning anyway and bumped into my primary school friend of all people, so we ran together. I wear a heart rate monitor when I run, I hit 187 beats per minute (bpm) when I was running really fast on my own. I used to maintain that kind of heart rate for a good 25 minutes when I want to keep up with another friend I run with. If that does not kill me one day, I don't know what will.

It was strange though, when I was talking to my friend after running, my heart rate went down to 30 bpm. 30 freaking beats per minute, a beat every 2 seconds. I have never registered such a low reading in my life. Never.

Something weird is going on.
Being cocooned in a blanket of silence offered me that much-needed respite. It was during that time in the transient sanctury of my hotel room that I made up my mind about a few things. It was a defining moment of more changes that will take place.

In retrospect, a renewed sense of purpose and a passion for having a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.

I enjoyed a long walk with a fellow colleague along the river, right up to the statue of the mermaid in the fable that gave it its significance. Glorious weather, cool breeze, the gentle sunshine and of course, the endless expanse of clear blue skies. There was a surreal quality of being in a totally foreign place, in a different timezone. I savoured the tranquility of it all and I was happy.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

And so, I got it out of my system, something which I have been holding back for some time. And today, I learnt something. We should not be afraid to confront our fears, no matter how much it might hurt, or how afraid we are of losing something that is dear to us.

Fucking painful... but I am glad I faced it anyway. After that, there was clarity, a kind of understanding, and I dare say, a feeling of serenity. It is really a myriad of complex emotions that are going through my mind right now. But somehow, with all the gladness of my heart, there are no regrets and no resentment of any kind. I let it go and set my heart at ease.

Gonna go for a run before I fly to Copenhagen tonight. I want to clear my mind and get rid of that splitting headache before I get ready to leave.

I am looking forward to the haven of contemplation and reflection, which I get when I am alone. I will get some reading done and enjoy the peace and quiet I can only get overseas. This time, I am actually glad to go away.
Someone shared this quote with me today and I like it alot. It gives me hope.

"Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind., but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. Climb, slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment, and the view from the summit will prove to be astonishing"


And someday, I will make a difference.
My heart is uneasy. Perhaps, just perhaps that unease is unfounded...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

The same feelings of fear and uncertainty all over again. I am beginning to see a pattern here. Women's blues, 2 weeks prior to that time of the month, causes me to have a lot of these irrational mood swings. Not to mention, I feel like crap.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with one of my gal friends over MSN. She mentioned having a new junior girl in her team.

"...carrys LV, hair in french twist, quite pretty, always checking herself out in the mirror, but when she opens her mouth, I feel like I am talking to a kid."

I told my gal friend that I will be quite sad if someone talked about me in such a dismissive manner. Heh. If anything, I hate to feel mediocre. I hate to be stereotyped just because I happen to be a freaking stewardess. As much as I like my job and all its perks, but I don't know... to have someone say things like, "Oh, she's a typical SQ girl..."

Maybe, it is meant to be a compliment but personally, I find it kind of aggravating. The word 'typical' is already generalizing, enough said, and I have an issue with that. Still, as much as I detest the stigma, I am proud of my job and I take pride in how I carry myself. I have learnt alot from it and the invaluable experience I have gained is something you cannot get anywhere else.

My fear right now is the comfort zone, I am almost in it already, if not for the fact I have plans for myself. I have a direction I am moving towards but it is a very long shot. The higher you set your sights, the harder you must be prepared to fall. I am all ready to pick myself up again when that happens.

I must be brave.

"You're accepted."

Alone, I roamed the streets of Melbourne... I found myself getting lost in the maze of streets and spent a lot of time re-tracing my steps, but it was my personal time, at my own pace, and I enjoyed it.

I turned into one lane and I ended up walking behind this woman, then past her. I heard someone talking in a low voice, it sounded quite hostile. I assumed that the person was having an arguement on the phone and tuned out. Then the very same woman that I walked past, caught up with me, turned back and stared hard at me. It dawned on me that she was the one whom I heard talking and she was talking to ME.

I did not like the look in her eyes, it was sorta crazed, malicious and full of hate emanating from them. She seemed stoned as well and very capable of violence. I honestly won't be surprised if she decides to try and scratch my eyes out or something.

I just had one thought, "Nabei, sian." And a split second to react. So, I kept my cool, showed no emotion and calmly met her stare. Then I looked away and continued walking. She came up to me at the traffic light and touched me lightly on the arm.

"You're accepted," she said.

This was really one of the stranger moments in my life. I do not know what to make out of it. What does she mean? Maybe one day, I will understand, perhaps later in life.

Good to be home, I am going to spend time with my mom today.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Mixed feelings... As much as I dislike flying off again, my time overseas is really the only time I have to myself. I have a hell lot of reading and studying to do and it is only during that time that I can focus. I go to the gym and most importantly rest. It is always so hectic for me back in Singapore, and it is just about to get worse. I have many commitments to attend to and I cannot say 'fuck it' and give up like I used to. It is just not me anymore.

It is overwhelming and I am starting to feel pangs of anxiety, but yet I know now's the time to do it all. Do it when I'm young, do it when I have this strong drive and momentum. Do it all. Live life and balance my goals and my personal life. I think I am doing a good job of maximizing my time now, juggle everything. Question is, how long can I last?

You know, all I really want to do is spend my time with him, with my friends and my family. That is what I find most comfort in so I always make an effort to. It keeps me sane, keeps me grounded and they are all very important to me. Everyone tells me to take things one at a time. It is good advice and I know it very well myself. It is easy to say but yet it is so tough to follow through.

I identified with the movie The Devil Wears Prada because someday I know I will have to choose between career and my personal life. It gives me more reason to maintain that fine balance. Whatever I have planned for myself is perfect for now. If I make it, I would have no problem maintaining that balance, be contented and one day, have a family of my own. A friend told me that the picture is too perfect and he does not want to burst my bubble.

I know he means well but I told him I am not in any bubble to begin with. I know how much I will have to fight to be in that picture in the end. I know that there will be detours and disappointment and failures along the way. I do not expect my journey there to be smooth sailing. All I know is I have faith and that perfect picture is what keeps me going.

The time to make that journey is NOW. I am scared but I am hopeful, and I have many positive and supportive people around me. I hope we can all do well in our lives, together. It will all turn out well.

Gonna prepare for my flight now. Til then...
Now that I've calmed down somewhat, I am going to try blogging again. Nabei. Heh. Earlier this afternoon, I wrote about Moscow in detail and was almost done when I accidently refreshed the page and the entire post got deleted. Oh and that happened twice.

Absolute pain in the ass. And THAT is the most annoying thing that can happen as I am someone who is not really into chronicling my trips. Oh well, shit happens.

Moscow evokes a certain kind of fascination as it is foreign and hardly mentioned until recently. It is very unlike the usual Paris, London or New York. It is a city that speaks volumes of its history and has a distinct character of its own.

If there is a colour I'd use to describe Moscow, it will be grey. What intrigued me were the cathedrals that were peppered around the city. They were like sudden bursts of colour amidst the endless greys and browns. To me, they were architectural works of art and unorthodox. I have never in my life seen cathedrals that look like mosques with a double-bar cross. And the colours! They were so gaily coloured that they reminded me of a candy factory!

Almost all of the signs were in Russian and the lettering really piques my interest and curiosity. They are impossible to figure out and they resembled the viking runes I have tattooed around my right hip.

The highlight of this trip was the visit to the Moscow Circus with some of my colleagues. Oh my God! I have heard of the Moscow Circus even before I knew Moscow was a city in Russia! We were kept entertained for 3 hours by numerous acts. The various acrobatic acts were so good that it defied logic and go beyond what you'd think a human body can do.

I seriously had trouble keeping my mouth closed and I probably looked quite silly. Hehe;p

I did not like the clowns though coz they freak me out. The fear stemmed from the movie It, based on the novel by Stephen King. That fear has been rooted in me since I was a kid. They still creep me out. Definately not a fan of any clown.

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Moscow Circus ticket


The whole set of crew did the city tour to The Kremlin. We had an excellent guide who was very detailed and informative. In a nutshell, the Moscow Kremlin (Russian: Московский Кремль) is a historic fortified complex at the very heart of Moscow, overlooking the Moskva River (to the south), Red Square (to the east) and the Alexander Garden (to the west). It is the best known of kremlins (Russian citadels) and includes four palaces, four cathedrals, and the enclosing Kremlin Wall with Kremlin towers. The complex serves as the official residence of the President of the Russian Federation.

I cheated, I got that information from Wikipedia. I only have very few pictures. My camera ran out of juice before I could take anything else. Not that I can be bothered, really. I am horrible at things like that.

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Red Square

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I seriously don't care for souvenirs either. Knowing me, I will just put them away and forget about them until years later. However, I make an exception for this.
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Russian Dolls


Thought they were quite cute. Every doll, except for the tiny one can be kept inside each other. Opening them one by one and discovering another doll inside is like eating a chocolate Kinder Bueno egg and finding some surprise. The tiniest doll is the size of a peanut. I got bored of it after playing with it for a grand total of 2 times. Now, I have no idea where to display them so I kept it back in the paper bad. See what I mean?

I would have lost this post again but this time I saved the text in a Word Document. Thank goodness I did that, I ended writing more than I intended to.


Excellent show. Meryl Streep was in her element and she potrayed the dragon lady boss of a top fashion magazine perfectly. This movie carried a message we can all relate to, I know I certainly did. It is about making choices again. Your career or your personal life? Got me thinking again, let me ponder on this. Freaking tired and I am going to sleep now. Goodnight.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I am gonna freaking scream. My ENTIRE POST got deleted. FUCK.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Choice. This is a word I keep hearing over and over again. Yet, it must be a word with a powerful connotation if it is being brought for two Sunday sermons in a row by two different pastors.

Again, it got me reflecting about the way I have been living my life. Sometimes, we are bombarded by so many options that we are spoilt for choice. While at times, there is just that one single choice when we have exhausted all avenues. To me, having a choice is the greatest thing because we are given the power to change our lives.

I must stress that making the right choices comes with proper guidance. I must say that I am blessed with a good family and great friends who give well-meaning, thought-provoking advice. I consider everything before making my choice. Being no stranger to making bad choices in my youth and having to learn painful lessons, I turned to religion. When your soul is weary and crying out for help, it is the only salvation. I chose God as my salvation.

There were periods in my life where I live day to day with a huge gaping void in me that made me numb. Many people, including myself, see numbness as a form of protection from getting hurt. It is only today that I realize what a scary thing it actually is.

Reverand Dr. C.C.K touched on this in his sermon today. Nature abhors a vacuum. This is an idiom used to express the idea that empty and unfilled spaces are unnatural as they go against the law of nature and physics. He believes that whatever is removed, must be replaced with something. If that space is left empty, something more omninous breeds in its place.

Looking back, it was when I had that gaping void in my life, that I made some of the worst decisions. I cannot even begin to express my horror upon realizing how some of those choices could actually be irreversible and destroy me.

That aside, I am a much happier person now that I have chosen my path, the people I want to keep close to me and the kind of life that I want to lead. Despite the many struggles I still face, I now understand and see that it has its purposes. Amen to that.

I will not be updating for awhile as I will be away for several days to Dubai and then to Moscow. I will miss everyone dear to me.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Last night could only be described as surreal, despite a really long, hectic and exhausting day.=)

A 40 minute run today to get me started. Reporting for Bangkok now.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

So I went to bed with many questions weighing my mind. I told myself that the answers will come to me and that I will wake up to a better day.

Well I woke up feeling even worse and I think I even cried in my sleep heh. The instant I got out of bed, I changed and put on my running shoes and ran like my heels were on fire. Running like hell does not allow you to run for long, but it sufficed and cleared my head.

Today is a Sunday. Despite being out til morning, I felt especially compelled to attend church today, so I did. My mommy went with me even though she is not a believer, a simple gesture that showed that she loves me and wanted to be by my side. It was comforting to know she is there, but I found repose in his presence.

Honestly, I got bored and restless for the first half an hour. I never fancied singing modern Christian songs that I have never heard of. It is very bad of me, but I shall make a mental note to come in later next time, hehehe;p When the sermon finally started, I was blown away. I freaking swear that it addressed the issues that were I blogged about in my last entry.

Reverend E.C touched on the decisiveness of CHOICE. He reaffirmed what I have started to model my life after, making choices that will change my whole life. It is not about simply making a choice, but making a DECISIVE one and commiting to it. It is about staying true to yourself and trust in the Lord and not be swayed by any detractors. Afterall, only when you commit yourself to a decision, can all the other factors come into play to make it work.

I could absolutely identify with what he talked about next. The distinctiveness of our own IDENTITY. In a nutshell, we need to know who we are and our mission in life. I have established my identity somewhat and I am really embracing it. I mentioned before I was a fighter, and a fighter goes into battle. The pastor said before we go into battle, we need to know who we are and our mission. I think it is very apt and it describes my current situation perfectly. But again, I must choose my battles wisely, enough to win the entire war.

Some people around me have commented that I make my life complicated. It is true that I do, because I do not believe in taking the easy way out, with regards to all aspects of my life. Sometimes I wonder why I insist on putting myself through so much pain and uncertainty when I could have kept things simple and straightforward.

Today I understand why I always seem to have this struggle within myself and it is changing me. The pastor summed it up very nicely. Struggle is a necessary GROWTH process. It is a journey of faith and discovery and it allows the Lord to work within me. This precedes His work through us. I have experienced this personally, considering how much I have changed over the years. I have been given the gift a new and much better nature.

I end this entry with the pastor's parting words to ponder on. Do not be lulled into the false promises of the performance trap. Growth, and not being right, is of the highest value.

I feel renewed and I have my optimism restored again. There is a battler looming ahead. Soon.
The knot of uncertainty is growing and the unease is starting to gnaw at me again. It has always been one big fucking rollercoaster ride and sometimes I feel engulfed by the wave of emotions that sweep over me. Sometimes I get knocked off my feet, and sometimes I manage to stand my ground and let it crash over me, but I always struggle to get up no matter what.

I have always been a fighter. When I was younger, I fought for the freedom to do whatever I please and get my way all the time if I can. I fought with my parents, boyfriends and even friends. Now that I am older and have mellowed down, it is a different kind of fight altogether. It is a fight to keep my faith in the near impossible. A fight for a better future and most importantly, the happiness I think I deserve.

It is true that what does not kill me will make me stronger, but it leaves my soul weary and jaded. I am just so tired of trying to make sense of everything that has been happening in my life. There are simply too many contradictions that I cannot even begin to fathom. Should I just believe that as long as I have faith and foolish optimism, everything will turn out right? Is it wise to throw myself, heart, mind and soul, to live life for that single passing moment that may never be replicated? Or should I hold back and look at everything and everyone through suspicious and critical eyes so that I would not get disappointed? I really do not know and I have stopped trying to make sense of it all.

There are many instances throughout my life that I have experienced happiness in the simplest and purest forms. They are often just fleeting moments, while some linger on a little longer. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am afraid to be too happy. It is always a struggle to balance that immense joy and yet keep myself grounded.

Is it really so hard to be happy? The journey is starting to get weary, especially if everything is just one big goddamn question mark. It is like fighting for an unknown cause that will only reveal its true meaning when you've won the freaking war.

Even a warrior needs to lay down his arms every once in awhile and just let things be when it gets too much to handle. I am exhausted. I will just leave it to God and believe that whatever the outcome, it is for the best.

I will crawl to bed now, hopefully when I wake up, I will be renewed. I can only pray harder.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The past 2 weeks have been fucking insane. I have had 5 consecutive flights reporting before 7am in the morning, touching down late at night, with only a day's rest in between each flight. On top of that, I have many things to do back in Singapore which requires an alert mind and full concentration. If anything, all that is enough to kill anyone.

The nuclear reactor energy core that I once had, has broken down yet again. My mind and body is stoned beyong belief. All that mental and physical exhaustion... God help me. I am leaving the house at 6am to report for London tomorrow. After this flight, my roster will be much more relaxed.

On a much brighter note, I like my new team, so far so good. Not gonna comment much because it is too early to do so. I have to adapt to their style of working, am keeping my fingers crossed.

The calls and msgs all the way from Bangkok really made my day.:) The simplest gestures touch my heart and that is enough, coming from the right person of course. Whoever said I was hard to please? Heh.

Gotta go now, I am gonna keel over any moment. Goodnight and I'll be back from London on Tuesday evening.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Back from Beijing and I am so glad it is over and done with. I really do believe this is one of the toughest China flights that I have ever operated on. The set of crew that I worked with was the only saving grace.

That, and the nice Japanese buffet dinner and the foot and back massage after that tiring flight. I have never been a fan of massages but I'm a semi-convert now. The foot massage was damn good man, plus it has many health benefits. The back massage was painful but I dozed off and woke up with a bruised back. It reminded me of the time I fell asleep while the tattoo artist was working on a rune tattoo around my right hip for 2 hours. I would describe that pain as addictive and it lulls you to sleep.

Sometimes pain is good, it reminds you that you're alive and feeling. Maybe, I am just a sucker for it. Haha!

Today, I will spend time with myself. I am going to spend the afternoon reading and practising on the piano. Then, I will go for a run in the evening and spend some time with my mom. All these are provide a therapeutic release for the exhaustion I am feeling. I need it.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Phew... I can FINALLY take a breather now, just a quick entry and I am off to bed. I had a really exhausting day but it was time well spent. I got many things done today and I met my babe, Judy for dinner and hung out for a bit.

Overall, I'm very satisfied with the priorities that I have set. I'm off to Beijing tomorrow morning so I'm yurning in now. Goodnight!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Commitment

Commitment is something that everyone retreats from but always respects when recognized in others.

It is feared, as it implies a need to do something for someone else.

But it is, in fact, something one does for oneself.

Every commitment you make redefines who you are.

Making a commitment is not about undertaking a new responsibility, as it is about recognizing one that you already have. It is a measure of your own respect for yourself.

It is the basis for trust in a relationship
.

That paragraph is an excerpt from the book The Sphere of Silence by Vijay Eswaran. The words jumped out at me when I was reading it last night, before turning in.

I pondered over it just before saying my prayers and drifting off to sleep. To others, the paragraph I quoted are nothing more than fancy words, but those words carry a special meaning to me. It serves to reaffirm how I have decided to live my life and fucking seal that promise to myself.

I WILL BE commited.

I will be commited to God. I will have faith and I will do what he says or what I feel is right without question. I will believe in him and myself even if other people question my decisions.

I will be commited to my family (including the dog;p), and a few people that I keep close to my heart. It is a silent promise to them that I will be there whenever I'm needed, and even when I am not. I shall not take anybody for granted.

I am commited to someone, whether he fucking likes it or not. Heh.

I am commited to living my life, the best way I know how. A promise to myself to be a better person, step out of my comfort zone, push myself to the limits and change things for the better. I will become that person that I will respect, and believe me when I say I am not easy to impress.

And the mother of all commitment... to my goal, my passion, my dreams. I can see it at a distance now and I will work hard to make the journey there. I will have faith and I will focus my restless mind. I know I am put in this world for something better than what I am doing now. It is time to tap into that golden well of unused potential and challenge myself and see what I am really made of. It is a fucking promise to myself, and I intend to keep it.

It is a tall order but I firmly believe one should not set low standards so that they can easily acheive it. Please give the the strength to see myself through and go with the flow of things.

And I leave you with a final wham bam quote to deliberate over:

For those without direction, defeat is being lost in a desert of depression.

For those without determination, defeat is a damnation to a despondent dead end.

However, for those with dedication, driven by determination and with direction, defeat is merely a DETOUR.

Pwah.

Alrightie now, gotta drag my ass down for combat class with my darling babe Nicole. Yay!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

The realization hit me earlier tonight, I just don't miss partying or socializing that much. I actually opted to stay at home on a freaking Friday night, when I could gone out and have fun. And may I just add, happy to do so.

I must stress that I am not being anti-social, just that my priorities are now set somewhere else. Nearly all the people I enjoy hanging out with are attached anyway. That brings something else to mind... wah lan eh, nearly all my close friends are either happily attached or married.:)

Fuck, I heard some of my ex-schoolmates even have kids now. Settling down with the right man is one thing, but kids? At 23 years of age, I don't think I am ready for that kind of responsibility. There is still too much I want to do with my life and I don't think I can give up my hopes and dreams, not just yet.

I have quite a few things on my plate now, it's quite a bit for me to handle but I will do my best. I am thrilled that I can finally set some gears in motion and I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything else will flow smoothly after that. However, I must always remember to keep myself grounded, always...

Anyhoo, I am perfectly happy with my current situation now.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It is getting increasingly hard to go away these days... I never liked to be gone for long anyway. Now that I have a reason to want to be around, it is just tough.

But fuck it, I will just look forward to coming back and remain positive. Things will change, and I will be ready for whatever comes next.

I am off to Auckland in 7 hours time... *sigh*

Monday, August 07, 2006

Miko!


Endearing as always:)

Nicky!


Sent using the blog function on my phone.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

This is all so exciting for me. I am simply overwhelmed, hopeful and yet fearful of what comes next.

I am not used to feeling this way and it does not make sense to me sometimes, and yet, it also makes all the sense in the world.

I feel like I am being swept off my feet by a sweeping wave and have no control of where it is going to take me, yet it feels like I am being going in the right direction somehow.

I will pray, pray and pray.
Gone is the procrastination streak that I was born with. It is a refreshing change to have things done rightaway once I set my mind to it, or to do something about issues that bug me.

It is very, very exhausting though and now I feel like my brain is going to pop and go up in smoke.

Zurich was awesome. It's my third time there but it's the first time I actually ventured out. A group of us rented a car and drove out to the countryside and visited some small towns along the way. Zurich to Rapperswil, then to Vaduz, Maienfeld and finally dinner at Lucerne. Scenic glory all around and it was just surreal to be standing there, breathing the air of a foreign country and taking in all the beauty that surrounds me.

It is a quiet joy that fills my heart I feel thankful to be able to experience such serenity amidst all the depressing shit that has been going on in this world. Then I took a step back and had a good look at all the events in my life leading up to now.

Of late, things have been happening when I least expect it and I am completely blown away. Sometimes, it all seems too good to be true. I tell myself to enjoy the moment now and yet be prepared for the backlash if the outcome is not what I desire.

Sometimes when you really think about it, a single change in one's life can really spark off a chain reaction of sorts. In my case, it looks promising.

I had better brace myself for whatever comes next.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

TMD.

I have spent the last freaking 5 hours messing around with my lap top. Installing all sorts of shit and transferring files from my desk top computer to the notebook using my brother's Creative MP3 player which also doubles up as a 4GB removable hard disk.

NABEI *toot toot* (censored)

Oh, and the battery happily went flat on me while I was in the MIDST of doing everything, because I had exceeded the 3 1/2 hours of usage time.

*toot toot toot* (censored)

Being surrounded by wires and devices is so not funny at all. If I have to do this all over again, I will freaking scream. With my limited amount of IT savvy, I gave myself a crash course with a bit of my bro's help. I figured everything else on my own without an instruction manual.

Everything was in an organized mess but I knew what was doing. Cannot lah... really cannot... I don't have the patience for this. Teehee! Well, at least I got it over and done with, now all I have to do is to charge the battery when I wake up later.

Then I'll fly to Zurich and go all anal on renaming my files and making sure that they are transferred to the right folders I have designated for them.

Now, I'd better get some rest to ease my throbbing head.

Friday, July 28, 2006

I am finding it increasingly hard to curb my impatience and irritation these days. I know it is very bad, but I really cannot help it. The symptoms of that time of the month have been long-drawn and it really sucks. Just get it over and done with already lah!:(

*sigh*

For now, I shall just take deep, deep breaths whenever I feel my annoyance bubbling up. But anyhow, there have been plenty of reasons for me to smile about. Perhaps, that's what's making it all better.

=)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Behold my latest obesession. ASUS W5F.

Simply lovely! I finally got it after falling in love with it over a year ago.

I wanted to buy this baby 3 times but I each time, I stopped myself because it was just a tad too expensive. Anyhow, I ended up buying this notebook in Taipei yesterday.

It was an excellent deal because I got it $500 cheaper, that's half a grand of savings mind you. The operating system was orginally in Chinese, but the helpful staff changed the entire system to English for me. It comes with an international warranty so should it cock up on me, I can get it repaired at the service centre here in Singapore.

There are some slight differences though. The key pad has the strokes of Chinese characters on the keys, and the plug is different, it is meant for use in Taiwan. However, I got that sorted out by buying an adapter this morning so I am happily charging the battery now as I am typing this.

=)

But the instruction manual is in Chinese... but I am sure I can figure out how to use the notebook without much of a problem. It is relatively idiot-proof.

Yay! I am very happy with it!:) Well, the good things ARE worth waiting for. *wink*

Monday, July 24, 2006

This is a very interesting test indeed, very detailed too:)














Your Aura Colour is Green.



Greens are strategists. They are analytical, organizers, planners, mental, abstract, inventors of the to-do list. They can be unfeeling.


Find out what colour your aura is.





However, I must add that I am NOT unfeeling ok, just detached when I want to be. Do try it!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

And here is another meaningful quote from the book I am reading:

As we evolve, we finally come to a state of detachment where we have little expectation of outcome, trusting the universe will always get things right. This happens in a way we can neither plan nor predict.

Detachment, a feeling very well... Somehow in the process of struggling to understand myself, I learnt how to detach myself emotionally from things in life which can potentially hurt me. Instead of letting myself get upset or angry, I take a step back and look on with the eyes of a third party.

I was one explosive chili padi lah, I had quite a temper. People have commented that I have mellowed down a lot and that is a good thing. If detached, anger is a tool, If attached, you become its tool. Anger is destructive.

How very true indeed. I'm off to Taipei now, will be back very soon!

Much love... Van.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

So I chose to stay at home on a Saturday night. It is a nice to be home home with Mom and my two dogs for a change. I am not really in a mood to socialize tonight anyway. My head is groggy from the extended hours of low quality sleep. Remind me again not to take afternoon naps.

It's good to be back in Singapore.:)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The three of us met up again for the evening. Judy, Julz and I. I love those gals and it was nice to see the glow and smile on Judy's face again. We had a smashing good time because we were all in good spirits. I am very happy about certain events that took place today and tonight, a conversation got me wondering about a few things.

Still, I feel at peace, despite knowing for sure that I was never the one. Strangely, I did not feel as dejected as I thought I would be. What is left is this sense of deep-seated calm that I can feel resonating throughout my being. Maybe deep down, I might have known it all along...

I like something I read tonight, and I would like to share it before turning in.

In All things, there is a pattern, a rhythm.
But there would be a
state of chaos and insanity
prevalent around us if we
moved against the flow of the universe.

Perhaps, I should just allow my heart and soul to go where the pull is the strongest... and then pray and have faith that it will turn out to be the best. Then, there would be no regrets.

Tonight, I will pray with all my heart.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Just a quickie before I start getting ready to go out. Long day ahead today.

Got in from Perth last night and was up at 8am this morning. I finally wrote and sent my explanation letter for reporting late for pre-flight briefing. The e-mail server cocked up and I had to draft everything all over again. TMD.

The world is freaking getting smaller and smaller. One of the stewardess on my Perth flight told me she actually saw my Friendster profile the night before. Then she got called up for my last team flight to Perth. She saw the names of the crew rostered for the flight and saw my name and started to wonder.

Turned I happened to be the very person whose profile she saw. Uncanny! And last night,I was just talking to a friend and he told me where he used to study. I remembered one of my friends, about the same age studied at the same university too. So I asked if he knows my friend. And OH MY GOD, he does! They are old friends but only keep in contact once in awhile.

Very interesting... I think I'd better go wash my mouth out with soap. I got some feedback that guys don't like girls to swear too much. Oopsie, no wonder lah...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I am very anal about certain things. Like, being particular about sentence structures, spelling, pronounciation and enunciation. If I write something wrongly, I'll rather write it all over again than to just strike off the word. The most ridiculous by far is the naming of file names, especially my MP3 files.

I went through about 900 plus songs in my computer, making sure they are all standardized, down to which words are supposed to begin with a capital letter and all that shit. How anal is that? Geez...

But my brother always cocks things up because he doesn't care. HMMPH!:(

Oh well, off to attend Nicole's doggie's birthday party now. Would love to bring Miko but my mom says no.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Nicky waddled into the study room when I got up this morning and started pounding on the piano keys. He lay right underneath the piano stool I was seating on. We have another music lover in the house!

By the way, Nicky is no duck, just a very fat Shetland Sheepdog.;p

Then, we sat down on the floor together and watched this week's episode of SG Idol which my mommy taped. He is becoming more endearing by the day... I really love him.
I can't decide with Idol I like, but I think I like Paul Twohill best. I love his originality and when he performs, he makes me sit up. I even rewind and watch it again whereas I yawn and fast forward most of the other performances hehe. And it doesn't hurt that he sings the songs I like.

Gotta go now, muakz muakz everyone.
Acid Bar was a very nice surprise. For once, I could actually just chill with a glass of wine, enjoy great music and have people leave me alone.

The ambience was just the way I like it, cosy and unpretentious, minus the sleaze. Most of the patrons are regulars and are there because they genuinely enjoy the music. I must rave about the talented two-piece band playing there tonight, they were simply awesome. The duo could do all kinds of songs! Any person who can play the guitar and use his feet to tap out the drum beats on a synthesizer at the same time deserves my absolute respect. The vocalist totally rocked, she was real, unassuming and connected with the audience.

It was the way she sang that struck me. She was not just a great singer who is performing, she was singing with a passion that came from the heart. Looking at her, I started to realize that one did not have to be drop-dead gorgeous to attract other people. Some people have this special quality that draws people and she is one of them. Sure it is definately a bonus to look good, but that quality is timeless and it is the essence of a person's core being.

Most people are too guarded these days. I felt that her ability to cast away her inhibitions and bare her soul makes her a very engaging person. Perhaps, if I express myself more through swearing, talking, writing and music, I'll be more captivating too? Teehee!;p

Kidding, I'm kidding! Hwahwahwa:)

Amsterdam was great though I did not do much this time round. Great company and lovely weather made up for everything else that was lacking, namely adventure and excitement. But I guess it is good to slow down once in awhile...

So, I ended up playing computer games for a change. I happened to see one of the tech crew playing Brood Wars and I got excited. Brood Wars!!! Brood Wars mind you!!! I was so so surprised people are still playing that game. I played Brood Wars when I was 15!!! I even belonged to a clan and at that time, there was only a handful of girls who were actively gaming. That was 8 freaking years ago! OMG, please don't remind me how time flies...

Anyhoo, he let me play and I was happily clicking away and thrashing the computer opponent flat. HAH! I could still remember all the building structures, the units and the build orders. PWOAH. It really didn't seem THAT long ago. A trip down memory lane. Oh and by the way, that's how I met Duckie, through gaming. And til today, he remains one of my closest friends.:)

Overall, I am quite pleased with myself, I hauled my ass to the gym after a 12 1/2 hour flight and ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes. Disciplined or crazy, I decide. Ok, it is just plain crazy hehe! The next day I did 65 minutes at a faster pace. Despite not running for 2 months, I did pretty ok. I was in a much more serene mood after that. I swear by it, it's my therapy for hangovers, PMS symptoms and sluggish energy levels.

I have the weekend off but no one special to spend it all with. I admit I do feel slight pangs of loneliness every now and then. Oh well, I made my choice and I will hold out, until the time is right. There is no reason to feel sorry for myself, is there?:)

At least, I have two happy, furry faces greeting me at the door with a volley of barks whenever I come home.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Be careful, I feel snappy, so sue me.

The jubilant mood I was in earlier this morning when Italy won the World Cup has long dissipated and I was in a foul mood when I woke up. PMS lah...

No, I did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed coz my bed is built-in against the wall. So there is only one fucking side I can possibly get out of bed from. Whoever came up with the expression, 'waking up on the wrong side of the bed' absolutely does not make any sense.

For the life of me, I really cannot remember why some people use the word 'soothing' to describe me. If anyway, I feel abrasive and snappy. There is always this perennial angst beneath the calm exterior and cheerful disposition that I potray.

One can only compartmentalize their feelings for so long. It is something I am good at doing but it does not solve anything. It only serves to make me get on with my life but sneakily creeps up when you are not in the mood to deal with it, especially 2 weeks before that time of the month.

Truth be told, even though things seem to be going rather well for me at the moment. I am fighting a very hard battle with my emotions and inner demons. Isn't it a scary thought? You look at someone, and he/she appears normal. What you don't know is that this person is trying to quell her darker side and he/she might be crying out for help. Most people miss it and then that person might just spiral out of control.

Sometimes you don't have to say too much, just being there and understanding is good enough. Miko does it best, all she does is just come up to me, nuzzle me and rolls over for me to rub her tummy. Something as simple as that can make you smile.

A number of good conversations and a phone call made me laugh and brought the twinkle back in my eye. Alrightie now, gotta get ready for work very soon man, Amsterdam, here I come!!!