Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What I absolutely hate, is for people to feed vile thoughts into my mind which add no value into my life. It is like a poison that permeates throughout and it does nothing more than to fuel a hatred that I don't need to feel. There are things that I am better off not knowing, because if I do, I would just get riled up and be pissed. Like now.

To the person who thinks I should know whatever has gotten me pissed, you are wrong. For now, I will push it out of my mind, simply because I have got better things to do and be concerned about. If everyone can learn to control their tongue, the world will be a better place.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The ugly side of reality deals the harshest blows. All around, bad things are happening to good people and it is really hard to fathom why. I can only hope and pray that after being put through such painful trials, there will be a good outcome that exceeds all expectations.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Had an extremely restless sleep last night. Maybe it has something to do with all the boring publications I was reading up on, or maybe it was something else that I have yet to identify. Anyhow, there is always so much to read and learn and I am not satisfied with my level of knowledge. I am trying to read to expand my mental capacity, but it does not help that everything I have to read is so dry.

The discipline must be cultivated.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Looking at the pictures of my dogs brought a smile to my face. I miss all their silly antics, hugging them and kissing the top of their heads and noses. I wish they were here with me, they would make me so much happier. How I long to bring them on their daily walk now... My heart yearns for their presence to bring more joy into my life. God, I miss them like crazy.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Where do I even begin? Many things that I feel and think about are hard to put in words. I do have a lot to say but these days, I prefer to talk less and reserve my personal thoughts to myself. I have had the luxury of time to reflect on many things that have been going on in my life, often wondering what I can do to improve the quality of my existence. Though, I still know exactly what I want to achieve, I am starting to lose some steam despite my continuous efforts to persist on.

There is an inner angst in me that I keep hidden but it surfaces every now and then. Although I think I have handled everything pretty well so far, I need to change the way I think. The changes must come from within and I must never forget what drives and energizes me.

Things are certainly looking up for me and I am in a pretty good position. Once again, I pray for God's wisdom in everything I do.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Here comes the time for me to work hard and clear all my solos for this phase as quickly as possible. However, it has been an uphill task, judging by the number of sorties I had to cancel due to the crosswinds. I guess it cannot be helped and all I can do is to continue to put in the effort and not give up.

My sorties are getting less exciting and that is a real relief, my confidence is building up again and I must do my best to minimize my mistakes. Still, fatigue is starting to set in and I have to be disciplined to ensure I have enough rest. As of now, I don't really have a life anymore and the silly poot is even more busy than me. :(

I look forward to spending some quality time, just the 2 of us, but then I wonder, when will that day come?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Praise the Lord! I am absolutely elated because I cleared my area solo check! One more hurdle down and many more to go, but I think I have already pulled through the worst for now.

My mood was relaxed but I was deliberate in whatever I was doing. I had to do a departure which I was not so familiar with but since I was prepared for it, I knew exactly what to do. Once I entered the training area, I did all the maneuvers I had to do. I made a few small mistakes but other than that, I did pretty well and did not get yelled at. Everything went fine after that.

The Lord was with me all the way and I did not feel any fear, because I have no reason to be. I trusted myself and most importantly, I trusted God.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Two things for my area solo check, survival instincts and nerves of steel. May I be a picture of calm tomorrow and not crack under pressure tomorrow. Should there be any yelling, I pray my brains will remain intact. May the Lord be with me.
I went to sleep last night, angry and with a heavy heart. The problems have surfaced yet again and it was very apparent that it has not been resolved, despite many attempts to address the issues.

It was indeed wrong of me to lash out and say all those hurtful things. True, there could have been a better way to handle things, I admit that as much. However, saying what I feel does not seem to work anymore because I am no longer being taken seriously. The frustrations have built up to a crescendo and I am sick of skirting the issues and sweeping them under the rug, pretending that they are not there. It is a lie that I refuse to live because I don't want to realize it is all a mistake a few years down the road. Communication is absolutely vital but since that element seems to be missing now, I don't know how things will be from hereon. The disappointment is overwhelming but I am starting to feel numb and I will get over it.

I called my mom again today. It is great to know that everything is going on fine back home and that sets my mind at ease. My brother was baptized last Sunday and it is very uplifting to know that my dad is attending church as well. It is heartwarming to know that he is being received warmly with sincere hearts. It fills me with gladness that he has finally come to know the Lord.

I am saddened and there us a lot going on inside me, I really hope I can see myself through...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Back on track once again. I have already weathered a few storms since coming here but my perseverance have indeed brought about many blessings. Although I have experienced fear and doubt at times, I have held strong to my beliefs and have not given up on this dream.

I am not going to let anyone tell me otherwise.

Upon reflection, what has kept me in the game is not just about superior aerial skills, but rather, situational awareness, being able to exercise the right judgement and then make good snap decisions. Those are the things that keep me alive. My survival instincts have been honed greatly no thanks to the danger lurking everywhere, especially when I am up there alone. This was evident in my solo yesterday when my 'spider sense' kicked in and though there was some drama, the decisions I made prevented any incident. Thank God for giving me the wisdom.

Though the learning curve is really steep and I am not a natural talent, I am determined to continue improving. May the learning never stop.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Oh my splitting head! I have worked for more than 4 solid hours editing the contents of the inhouse college magazine. It is quite a lot of work and I do kind of regret taking over as chief editor as for this issue, but then again, my team and I should be able to put together a pretty good issue.

I cannot believe how inconsiderate some people can be. There is a new batch of juniors who just arrived yesterday and since then, my peace and quiet has been disrupted. There is one motherfucker who has been continually slamming the door each time he enters or leaves the room and it has been going on all night. It is either only one or a few of them.

There is a whole long list of such inconsiderate behavior but it will take me hours to write all of them down. Some people are just unbelievable and I shudder to think that such characters are going to be in the airline in the future.

On a more positive note, something good happened to me today and I ended up not having to do that dual check afterall on virtue of my safe performance with my instuctor so far. What luck! That is indeed great news for me and I can finally move on with my training. What luck! I hope there is more to come
Everyday will be a good day. From today on, I will make a conscious effort to shift my focus on all the images in my mind that make me happy. I will hold on to it and hopefully those thoughts can manifest themselves into reality, just as it has so many times.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Today is going to be a good day.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

It is an anomaly. Time passes so quickly here, yet the days feel like they are crawling by. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my sense of purpose and that I am merely a pawn in this game I know nothing of. Life's just like that I suppose, we simply exist to play out the roles that have been assigned to us. But what if I want to change my role? Will the universe allow me to make it happen?

I need a breakthrough again. All that drama has chipped away at my resolve and have almost succeeded in putting out the fire that used to burn fiercely in me. I am persevering to the point of suffocating and I have even started to think how easy it will be to just give up. That is how this place mind fucks you.

Then I catch myself. I have forgotten to count my blessings because they have been buried in shit, but, they are definitely there. Every mental and emotional battle that doesn't knock me out is a mini breakthrough, so all I need to do now is to survive.

Having said all that, a few issues that have been bugging me are resolved for the moment. Keep things simple and it will be all good.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I have achieved an enlightenment of some sort and that has allowed me to gain a little insight. Whatever is happening is all a test and that whatever the outcome, God knows best. I just have to trust in him fully and accept his plan for me, even though I may not understand or like it.

Come what may, I prayed for the wisdom and the tenacity to see myself through. Feels like shit sometimes, but it will all come to pass.
I feel so much better after hearing my mommy's voice today. I am starting to miss my family and I feel so homesick.

Monday, November 03, 2008

An uplifting story to share...

One day I decided to quit...

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. .. I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light.
I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would
not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared
to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. ..But just 6
months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo.
I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others."
He said.
"The bamboo had adifferent Purpose than the fern.
Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me.
"You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?"
I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

Never, Never, Never Give up

Saturday, November 01, 2008

A few things are troublling me and my spirits have sunk to an all time low. Just when I thought the shitty part is over, something else comes along and deals me another blow. All these things have a domino effect which affects everything else and I am disappointed in not fighting hard enough to stop that wave. The feelings overwhelm me but yet, I have to keep it all in. Although things are not as bad as it sounds, I am very disappointed in myself and the way things are panning out. The only emotional support I have is God and all I want to do right now is to cry out in silence and let myself go.