Thursday, March 31, 2005

Decisions... Have you ever been in an unfortunate situation where you are the one who has to make a tough decision? One that affects your life, and the parties involved, in a big way? I chose to make such a decision last night, a painful one at that. I ended my relationship of 2 1/2 years.

Someone once told me, sometimes, it is hard to do the right thing. I thought a lot about it, those words are so true. If only things could be simpler, if only it could be easier... But the reality is, it just isn't. It never is...

There is just so much more I want to say but I'll just leave it at that. I hope I am doing the right thing... It took me so long to find the courage, to leave my comfort zone and to go on deceiving myself that things will work out eventually... He hates me now and I don't blame him. I wish that he'll look back one day and that he'll understand why... It is not about another guy, it never is. In fact, I just do not want to be in another relationship for some time. I am just so so weary, so tired...

I hate being the villian. I hate being the one who has to make this decision. It is like a part of me has died... If I didn't put in any effort at all, it wouldn't have lasted so long, wouldn't it? I appear strong, emotionally, to most people. Afterall, they will never see helpless despair and the silent tears that I shed deep inside...

Friday, March 25, 2005

I am having butterflies in my stomach again, for no reason whatsoever but I guess I am just feeling happy. I am finally seeing results after all my hard work and I'll make sure I'll reach my goal in time to come, that is, if I manage keep up with this kinda discipline. To me, changing my lifestyle and my eating habits is not an obsession, but rather, improving the quality of my life. Ever since I starting eating healthily and exercising regularly, I've never felt better, more condident and more energetic. I have to undo all the damage I did to myself over the months hehe:) Of course, I won't deprive myself of the occasional glasses of red wine, everything is all about moderation, ain't it?:)

Anyhoo, I had a talk with my younger bro this morning. He said life is very tough now that he got posted into SISPEC, it is a school where soldiers get trained to be leaders. Correct me if I am wrong... He is so mentally and physically exhausted that he can't think properly and he told me he can only do things well if he is comfortable. I really emphathize with him but I also feel that it is good character development. I believe one can't be too sheltered. Not if they want to survive in this world, where people just aren't so kind. Life can be a real bitch sometimes and THAT is the reality. Gotta be tough in order not to get left behind in this rat race.

I told him that the problems we all thought were big when we were much younger, all seem so trivial now that we're all grown up. Now, we have a whole new set of responsibilities and so much more to worry about. It can get really crazy sometimes but I can say I am lucky. Lucky to be what I am now, have a family who cares for me, friends who are genuine and a b/f who loves me. Of course, my life is far from perfect, in fact, it is flawed in many ways but hey I am happy enough. I am happy with the way I turned out. Sure, it's human nature to not be satisfied and always hunger for more. These endless pursuits... all for what? So you can show the world how successful and how rich you are? I always say just be happy, that is all that matters coz life is just too short and the future is too uncertain. For me, just go with the flow, along the way,if you can prevent yourself from getting into shit, do it. If you can't get out of it, just move on and take it as a learning experience.

Enough of my rambling, all I wanna do now is to relax and go for a long run later in the evening... Looking forward to going to Copenhagen tonight.:)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

It all ended well... but it started really badly when I was about to go to the airport. I was suddenly crippled by a gripping sensation in my stomach. It was so painful, I thought my tummy was gonna burst open. I could hardly stand up. As luck would have it, I had some medicine for stomach wind left over from the time I had food poisoning.

It helped a little but I still felt very uncomfortable. Anyway, it was also too late to report sick without getting a demerit point. Plus, it is the only flight I had to learn to work in business class before I am on my own. I was quite nervous and shaken. I am just so thankful it was my ex-colleague, Denise's team flight. I can't believe how nice her team mates are. I felt like I belonged to the team lol:) HOw come my own team doesn't make me feel comfortable? hehe:) That aside, we're all going into new teams next month. Keeping my fingers crossed. It's the first time that I'm doing a flight with Denise and it was just great! We were still as crazy as before hahaha:) It was her buddy's birthday so we celebrated it in the crew room with drinks and a game of truth or dare... My god, it was hilarious...! Everyone's dark secrets came out... Ooooh;p But it was all in good fun:)

Anyhoo, I had really good mentors who taught me a lot, very grateful to them all:) They trusted me enough to do the whole meal service so I'd experience what it is like. They said I did very well...yay!:) I have to give them all the credit... They gave me the confidence I never knew I had. With regards to poor examples of leaders in my earlier entries, they are the total opposite. Good leaders are the ones who guide and teach you to do things the best way that they can. Encouraging all the way. That is why I could do well. Imagine how disastrous it would be if I was being barked at from all sides. I would be shaking and stammering lol:) The only thingthat I am worried about is the ground preparation before the flight. Loads of things to do... and I might not be fast enough to complete it before passengers board. Still, I will do my best if I am given that work position.

I am feeling much better today, feeling more confident and just much happier and well-rested. I think I'd feel much better after a run, gonna run as much as I can today... It is just so liberating! I hope this happy mood lasts, I love feeling this way. Love it.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

It's been some time since I last blogged... The 4 days of training really sapped my energy... I can't believe that I have no time to do anything else! I can finally heave a sigh of relief now that it is all over... Yesterday was just one of those days where everything that can go wrong, goes wrong. Don't you just hate it when it happens?

I woke up at 4am to read up on my notes... 4 freaking am mind you... and yet I was so late I had to book for a cab in advance...

I tried to read through my notes but i couldn't concentrate so I slowly took my time to get ready to go. I wanted to wear this pink skirt that I've never worn before. Hiao (vain) lah... I rummaged through all my clothes but I just could not find a top to go with my skirt. The only ones I had were either too skimpy or just inappropriate. So anyhoo... I gave up... wanted to wear a white skirt but something stopped me, so I wore black pants instead.

I spent like a total of $40 plus on cab yesterday... yep... it's crazy... I don't take cabs if I can help it... but I had no other choice. So I managed to get to the training centre on time, but I did not study at all... still I managed to pass the test.

Then right after the test... it came... that time of the month for gals... I was like FUCK... I was so glad I wore black pants... it would have been a disaster if I had worn white... a major one. I had to take a cab back... sheesh... I feel so bloated and uncomfortable, I'm just thankful I do not have bad cramps...

I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights and it is starting to show... I have been slacking on my running coz I do not have the time and energy... even worse is my piano practice... I did not practise at all this week... feeling damn guilty about it... :(

Tomorrow's the moment of truth... my first training flight on Business Class to Tokyo... I am damn worried about it. It's like starting out over again. I hope I don't screw up.

I'm gonna read up on my work today, catch up on my rest, running and quality time with my baby... have not had a proper conversation with him for some time.

Ooh... I signed up for this athletic meet in SQ just for fun hehe:) I miss those days when I was sprinting competitively... More reason to train up! I guess I will feel much better once I repay my sleep debt and when that time of the month is over... Til then...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I'm onto the 3rd day of my training and I already can't wait for it to be over... To be honest, I prefer to go back to work anytime. The thought of waking up at 5am everyday and wasting the hours away just kills me.

In fact, I don't remember being this tired in a long, long time... I feel so out of touch with my friends and all... Hell, I don't even get to see my baby... I desperately need a break... but I won't be having one anytime soon...

*sigh*

Monday, March 14, 2005

Yesterday, one of my best gal friends, Julz got married... It felt so surreal seeing her walk down, looking resplendent and gorgeous in her blue and gold wedding costume. I was all choked up with emotion, I can't help it... I was just so happy for her:) It's hard to believe that the babe I used to bitch and hang out with back in NYP is someone's wife now... It is one of those realizations that just hit you and sends you reeling... whoa... Anyhoo, they are meant for each other, I can feel it, they look perfect together:) Julz, if you are reading this, you have all my blessings and I wish you and Adie everlasting love and happiness:)

Jude sums it up best in her most recent blog posting, love is in the air. Yep, it sure is:) Lotsa happy couples around, around me that is. Today's the 14th, it is a special day for me and it marks the 2 1/2 years my baby and I are together... How time flies... From the time I first I laid my eyes on him, til now... the memories are just flitting past, putting a smile on my face:) I've always heard that the best things in life come unexpected, it's oh so true... someone said to me, it's the things that come along at the wrong time that make all the difference. Thought-provoking words indeed...

Gonna have to see a doctor later... I experienced such bad tummy aches since yesterday that I cancelled my driving lessons. Gotta get well enough to attend the first day of business class training tomorrow. I'll be seeing all my batch people again... yay!:)

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Ever wake up, with a pounding headache, to a chorus of unified yapping so shrill that it jolts you out of bed? I have... and I'm super pissed. It happens EVERY other weekend. As if sleep deprivation ain't enough, I have to put up with this mental torture everyday... And what's worse, once I wake up, I cannot go back to sleep, so I spend the rest of the day in a zombified stupor. It's enough to make me feel murderous. If you're thinking of getting a dog, get one that doesn't bark a lot... you'll thank me for that piece of advice.

My mom threatens them with the cane... But being the brazen, kuai lan bitch that she is, Miko barks even louder. And the word 'walk' would drive the other dog, Nicky into an estatic frenzy, and he wouldn't stop barking until he gets his bloody walk. My mom has tried communicating to me in Mandarin, telling me that she intends to bring them for their walk, thinking that they wouldn't understand... The spooky thing is, Nicky does, I swear to God... I don't know how... We hardly even speak Mandarin at home, only English. So, the shrill barking would start, I'd be yelling at them to shut the fuck up and my mom would be running after them with the cane. Total chaos... I am surprised my neighbours are so tolerant... There is this annoying Maltese on the 4th level and I already feel like complaining, even though I love dogs... I can hear Nicky barking a few blocks away when he is having his walk... And when Nicky and Miko try to out do one another in their barking, I feel like I've been sent to hell and back. In close proximity, the barks can kill you slowly and surely... shattering even the calmest of nerves...

Fiak lah... I'm in a super freaking grouchy mood now...

Friday, March 11, 2005

I had yet another lovely surprise waiting fot me in my company e-mail box... An unexpected complimentary letter:) It is a great start to my day, life is just so good at the moment heh:)

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

What is your defination of good leadership? To me, a good leader is one who respects his subordinates, takes ownership for his/her own mistakes, is patient to guide, takes on new challenges with gusto and makes sure everything runs smoothly.

I think I met a poor example of a leader on my flight back from Sydney to Singapore. There was a Taiwanese stewardess rostered for the flight and she was assigned to work as a steward. She has never done galley work before coz that's not the primary function of foreign crew. She was damn stressed out. So me and this other crew reassured her and said we'll help her and that the complex leader is nice. We told her he'd teach her and help her.

We were wrong.

When he realized she didn't know how to do the galley work, he was just downright nasty to her. He actually requested for a change in her work position. Now tell me, if you're a good leader, you'd offer to teach her, not run her down. It was a freaking light load for a Sydney flight to be honest, the perfect time to learn. However, I don't blame her for not being confident of doing galley work. I understand how the people you work with are so important, esp the so-called complex leader. Get a horrible one and the entire flight will be hell.

So I volunteered to take over, even though I was assigned that work position on the way up to Sydney. Believe it or not, I was the only stewardess in Economy Class who has done galley work before coz most of us were still relatively new. Yeah he was nice to me and the other gal coz we knew our work and didn't give him any problems.

There was something I couldn't accept.

The complex leader did not pass on some information to the Taiwanese crew even though he was supposed to. She should have checked with him with regards to that but there was some miscommunication. To me, they were both at fault and maybe mine as well, since I was working along that aisle. No one told me anything. I only found out after the flight. The inflight supervisor was damn angry. The complex leader conveniently shifted the blame to the poor Taiwanese crew. All of it. He did not mention that he didn't pass on the information to her. She was lucky the IFS was nice enough not to write her in, but he was damn angry and thought badly of her.

She was in tears and I felt really, really bad for her... *sigh* I was honestly disgusted by the whole turn of events coz the person blamed could have been me. After all, I was supposed to do that work position and we switched. I only knew everything when I bumped into her at the control centre and spoke to her.

My point is, he did not take ownership of the problem when he was half to blame. Conveniently saved his own ass. Doesn't integrity exist anymore?

Oh btw... in my earlier post, I said there was someone I detested doing this flight. I was so fortunate that I had to work with him when I was assigned a galley position. I was even more fortunate that I had enough practice to handle everything, WITHOUT HIS HELP. His half-hearted offers to help IS NOT COUNTED. HAH. He did not zap me this time and I hope he has eaten his words about not wanting to work with someone on their 3rd solo flight. What an exemplary example of fine leadership, don't you think?:)

Oh and the funny thing? He can remember he did a flight with me and my buddy when I was a trainee on a Shanghai flight and he can't remember that I did a London flight with him when he worked with me and zapped me. How is that possible?:)

Have I mentioned that I have no respect for such people?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Bye bye poker straight hair, hello, lovely curls... I did it... I finally went and did it... to curl my hair that is. After contemplating for over a year! I've had the same old hairstyle for as long as I can remember... I've lost my guts to go for a change since the disastrous haircut I had when I was 14. The furthest I went is cutting my hair to collar-length back in poly and various dye jobs. Anyhoo, I sat my ass for like 4 hours in the salon this afternoon. I decided to do it and made an appointment with Kimage the moment I woke up hehe;p If I want to do or have something, I must have it done right away.

As usual, I couldn't sit still, kept fidgeting sheesh... I really have the itchiest backside in the west heheheh;p I was not too happy with one of the shampoo gals. Her heart was not in her work, I could tell. It's kinda off putting isn't it? The attitude's just not right. She wasn't rude to me or anything lah, I just didn't like her attitude. And what's up with the patches of purple and red hair. I just don't get it. Oh well, at least she didn't fuck up my hair.

End result? I wasn't very sure if I liked it at first... it took a lil getting used to. My baby likes it though, he said it was very nice hehe:) He kept looking at me and he said it's like having a new g/f haha:) It's not THAT drastic a change, it's just a new look... But hey, if he likes it then it's all good:) I decided I liked it after awhile, I just hope I am able to get it to look nice on my own.

I'll post a pic when I have the chance. Oooh, caught the movie, HITCH today. Just another feel-good romantic comedy but I enjoyed it. Will Smith was so suave, can we say smooth operator? He has his moves down pat.;p Respect man, does such a man even exist in real life? I dunno, I tend to be wary of smooth-talking guys, it means they are TOO experienced if you get what I mean. I tend to be more partial towards shy men, like my baby hehe;p

Oh well, going for a nice, long run again later on in the morning. Ta!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

All that running is doing wonders for my mood:) I actually feel good about myaelf now, feel more alert and I have more energy to do things. I can go to the gym in an extremely shitty mood and leave with a smiling face after I do some cardio hehe:)

I met up with my dearest babe, Nicole, for a long run. The sun was killing me and having recovered from an asthma attack, I wasn't sure I could run in that kinda weather but I did. Quite an achievement since I usually only run at night or, at the gym:) The both of us may wanna participate in a half-marathon at the end of the year for fun...

I was damn pissed with myself for absent-mindedly arranging for a driving lesson on the day I touched down. I totally forgot about it until my instructor called. Now I have to pay for a lesson I didn't attend... I was just too freaking tired to rush down and have a half an hour or 15 min lesson. Might as well just forget it sheesh...

5 more months til my piano exam... at least I realize there's still hope as long as I am disciplined from now on... Gonna do my practice today... I'll be changing my look soon, will update more on it:)

Don't look forward to going to Sydney tommorrow even though it is a night flight. A person that I totally do not have respect for is doing that flight. I do not respect people, supposedly *gasp* 'leaders', who just perform lip service and don't guide the new crew and don't work. The ones who look the most friendly in the briefing room before the flight turn out to be the worst fucking pricks arounds. I swear to God. Now I always go on flight expecting the worst case scenario and let muself be pleasantly surprised haha:) I will never forget my 3rd solo flight to London because of one of the shitheads doing the flight tomorrow. That fucking wanker...

Gotte go now, nice lovely weather for tanning. Oh well, have a great weekend everyone:)

Thursday, March 03, 2005

For the first time in my life, I saw and touched actual snow... I didn't taste it though and I'm glad I didn't... My friend, Thomas told me to beware of yellow snow coz it has been pissed on...hehe:) What a thought! One of my colleagues made a snow ball and it really resembled those ice kacang balls our parents used to enjoy when they're young. It was just missing the coloured syrup and condensed milk:)

I enjoyed the feel of the soft brushes on snowflakes on my cheeks and hair, it was such a lovely experience! I was delirious in this white dream and I felt like a kid all over again, in awe and in another world, so far away from home... and I was.

Amsterdam, one of the nicest stations I've been to and it's my very first time as well. It's like this modern and quaint little town, with haphazard traffic very much like that in Bangkok and China, and taller than average, beautiful people. The Netherlands is a country where almost everything is legal.

I didn't get to visit the red light district which Amsterdam is famous for coz it got too cold but i will have my chance. I heard there're naked prostitutes on display at shop windows... something like that. It'll be quite and interesting sight eh?:) As usual, I was not warmly dressed enough for the cold, did not really do my shopping for warm clothing but I'm starting to so I can actually enjoy myself when I'm out in the cold...

Shall stop here tonight, will continue again tmr, have this sudden attack of exhaustion again... Later.