Saturday, July 30, 2005

So I did not wake up with gorgeous hair, sparking eyes and a fresh face yesterday, But it was certainly a lot better than the day before because I had 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Anyway, I still feel fugly today. (fugly = fucking ugly). As always... Something about going back to the training centre makes me feel and look pale, dull and just plain fugly. I really wonder how I got through the 4 months of training...

My so-called 'problems' now are really trivial, maybe even just a figment of my over-active imagination. Depression is so real. God, it is so damn real. I know how it is, I never want to re-visit the nightmare again. Never. It was so bad, I even entertained thoughts about the best way to end my life. No one knew how bad I was really feeling. That was the scary part. I'm glad I have become much stronger, but what if I had decided I have had enough back then?

One of my friend's friends just ended her life. I don't know that girl but I am kinda shaken because I was once contemplating the same thougts. Gone, just like that... I know everyone has different dealing capacities but I really wonder, what is a person's breaking point? The day that one decides that he/she has had enough and say 'Fuck the world, I'm gone'. Is there no light at the end of the tunnel? Fuck, it reminds us of our own mortality... How things affect us more than we really think it does.

I shall make a conscious effort to be there for all my friends whenever I can and to be nice and considerate to everyone's feelings. I will cherish what I have now...

Friday, July 29, 2005

I am having severe allergies... Spent the whole night sneezing my head off last night. I reported to the training centre with a puffy face and messy hair. So sad... :( I felt even more sleepy than I really am because the area under my eyes were swollen. I'm still sneezing as I type... :(

It's the result of a lethal combination of the air-con blowing directly at me and my 2 furry doggies sleeping in the same room. Attending workshops is even more tiring than doing a flight. Sitting on your ass all day really drains your energy and depletes your brain juice. I would NEVER be able to stand a 9-5 desk-bound job. I'd rather be shot. I guess I am in the right profession after all huh? Funny how things in life work out the best for you.

Feeling very miserable now, a puffy face and hair that doesn't quite behave does not make a person's day. Please let me wake up to bright, sparkling eyes, a fresh face and gorgeous hair tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Whenever I am afraid, my first reaction would be to cover my ears. I think I am more afraid of loud noises than anything else. I hate loud thunder and the sound of a balloon or tyre bursting. Even when I am watching a movie, and the part where someone is about to get shocked out of their skin or be killed, I cover my ears. I wonder if that is normal?

I had a great hair cut today... Just trimmed it and layered it. I'm very happy with how it turned out:) It is a pity I am just not suited for really long hair. Now, I feel like highlighting my hair heh;p

Speaking of a hair cut, Miko has an appointment with the dog groomer this weekend. My mom says she's gonna get a buzz cut. I really cam't imagine how a buzz cut would look on a Japanese Spitz. I'm sure she'll look so adorable! she'll probably be less swanky too;p Nicky's gonna trim his fur too, make him look more handsome and glossy.

I have a long day tomorrow, going back to the training centre for a workshop. Binged again tonight. Fuck my so-called discipline. The gym beckons, but where do I find the time to go?

Monday, July 25, 2005

My latest craving - Zentis Mandel Nougat Creme or translated in English, Almond Nougat Cream. It tastes just like Nutella and it goes with everything. I love to spread it on Marie biscuits. Sheer heaven in its simplicity. Very addictive stuff. No wonder I suffer from major energy crashes, not enough sleep and way too much sugar in my blood. *sigh*

There is a dull ache at my lower back, I think I may have hurt my spine a little. All that re-arranging of baggages is taking it's toll. I wish passengers would not be so inconsiderate as to dump their luggage in the overhead compartments any way they like. Especially on a full load when other passengers are boarding in floods and waiting impatiently for one person to stow their numerous baggages so they can get to their seat. Haven't they heard of check-in? I really dread doing the Manila turnaround tomorrow...:(

Just something completely unrelated to what I have just said... I wish I could do more to make things better, for the people that I care about. Here I am, whining like some bitch when my problems are so trivial compared to others. I really should not take things for granted anymore... I hope things start looking up soon.

I am just going to chill at home today and sleep early.
I am feeling so jet lagged. My energy levels have been crashing throughout the day and it does not help that my mom was being such a pain today. I try to avoid her sometimes... It is a real challenge to keep my cool and not blow up, especially since I'm not feeling so dandy myself.

Isn't it so emotionally draining to be around people who give off negative vibes? If I'm feeling down, I'll just hide in my room and want to be left alone coz I know how unpleasant it can be for people to bear the brunt of my moodiness. My advice, find the source of your unhappiness and do something about it.

Anyway, things are back to normal now. I'm glad I did not succumb to the temptation of losing my temper. Thinks always seem to work out better when you maintain your composure, don't they?

I bought a new phone today hehehe:) Sony Eticsson K750i. In my opinion, SE phones are the best. I love it! Starhub did not accept my dad's stupid Motorola phone coz the model was too old and they rejected my SE K700i coz it was fucking spoilt. Probably gonna get it repaired. I did not trade in any phone so I paid a mini bomb for it. Oh what the hell...

Starting from next month onwards, I'm gonna be more wise about my spending. Goodnight.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I had a massive chocolate overdose today. Blame it on the oh-so-marvelous confectionary I bought from Frankfurt. I don't even want to think about where all that sugar will go... :( I am suffering from a major sugar crash now, coupled with jet lag and the little amount of sleep that I've managed to catch.

I have realized Huiling and I are more similar then we thought. Especially in the way we look at certain things. I was telling her about something that pissed me off today. She could actually tell me why I am behaving the way I do sometimes and that she understands how I feel. It's a comfort to know that I'm not alone in this.

I am so, so freaking tired now. I have a date with Huiling and my running shoes tomorrow morning. We both have the same goals hehe;p I'm not gonna stop myself from eating chocolates but I'm just gonna make sure I eat a lot less of them.

Give me some discipline!
Of all the shittiest things that can happen, my mobile phone had to die on me today, just when I touched down from an exhausting flight from Frankfurt. I feel so out of touch with everyone now. And someone I've been trying to contact is not picking up my calls coz my home line is a private number. I'm seriously pissed off but fuck it.

My dad's spare phone is giving me shit too. It can't read my SIM card. Why must this happen now?:(

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

'Making friend from the Cockpit'

This is the subject heading of one of the Friendster messages I got this morning. Oh whoopee. What's up with that? There is no need to flash it around like a badge. I do not want to pass a sarcastic remark here coz the message title speaks for itself, don't you think? It is almost as bad as the numerous 'Hi, can be fren?' or 'Hi, can add u as fren?' messages that I get everyday. Can you get any more original than that? Sheesh...

I read something interesting off someone's testimonial today. 'Fat is the new black.' I was very tickled by it, it's hilarious! Haha:) That statement is obviously made by a guy coz that brand of optimism does not work on the ladies;p I'd like to think that I am 'reasonably unreasonable' too but I'm sure most guys won't buy that either heh:)

It's a lovely day to sleep:) I love the comforting sound of raindrops while I am lying in bed. Never fails to lull me to a deep slumber... The sound of a whirring fan has that same effect on me, I think I hear my bed calling me...

Monday, July 18, 2005

I am heading for a burnout yet again. I've had only 3 miserable hours of sleep and I spent the day running about here and there, doing shit. Huiling is the only other person I know who can keep up with this crazy lifestyle hehe:) We're both really quite mad.

It sucks getting caught in the rain. Just today alone, it happened to me twice. The first time was when I was in Orchard Road and the second, Choa Chu Kang, when I was on my way to my piano teacher's house. It's my fault coz I am not a big fan of umbrellas. I absolutely refuse to carry one around. And I hate raincoats even more. No particular reason. I can't remember when I started hating them but it was not the case in primary school. I loved my pink raincoat back then and I always hoped it'd rain more often so I'd have a chance to wear it haha:)

Jeannie and I met up for awhile in the evening. We ended up reminiscing about all the times we had in primary school. I still can remember all the details as if it only happened yesterday. One particular classmate we had will always remain prominent in our memories. She was weird as a child. Til this day, I am able to recite the 'suicide note' she sent me on one of my birthdays, word for word. It was fucking hilarious. I never saw her again after I graduated from primary school. I am so freaking curious to know what happened to her...

I will blog again tomorrow, before I leave for work... Sweet dreams!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Damn the rain. I woke up at 6 am this morning, just so that I could meet Huiling for an early morning run before she leaves for work. I have not been running with her for some time because we're both so freaking busy. We ran for 9 minutes before it starting pouring. We had to take shelter under a block, so we spent the time catching up... arranged to run again tomorrow morning heh:) I know I am getting my strength and stamina back because I did not even break into a sweat this morning.

The situation in my room still leaves much to be desired... My mom says she may think about renovating the whole house. Just as well, it's about time. Maybe it'll shift my life out of stagnancy. I still have so much to acheive and I need to be inspired! *sigh*

By the way, I am damn pissed with my mom. I know she went through my phone this morning. I told her I knew, without being confrontational. It took a lot for me to keep my cool coz I absolutely hate anyone to invade my privacy in this manner. I do not have anything to hide but that was just plain sneaky. Anyway, I am not talking to her now.

Fukuoka, Japan was just lovely! I simply love the hotel! The bed was so comfortable, really beautiful bathroom and so damn convenient. The hotel was linked to a shopping centre. The stay was so short that we could only hang out around the hotel. It was an easy-peasy flight too;p Great set of crew, I am still a firm believer that a flight can be damn challenging but if you have good colleagues, you can get through anything! I had positive comments from a check trainer too even though I wasn't on check:)

I feel like I have lost someone, it is probably better this way for now, I just hope it is not forever. But then again, who knows such things? Life is full of unexpected surprises...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I have an inkling about what has been making feel so fucked up these few days. I am just simply too hard on myself. I try to do too many things at a time... juggle work, driving and piano lessons, gym sessions and then meeting up with friends. I sleep really little. My mind tells me I can handle it all but my body can't, especially so after being sick for 2 freaking weeks.

Lesson learnt, I am no superwoman. I am actually damn stressed up without feeling it or realizing it. Yesterday was a good example. My mind was not functioning and I was in a daze. I was driving really dangerously and my instructor was exasperated with me:( Can't blame him though, I kept changing gears without engaging the clutch fully and I nearly broke the gear box. Another car nearly collided with me coz I switched lanes suddenly without checking. I was mildly traumatized man but I'm over it now.

I find it especially hard to accept failure because I know that I can acheive so much if only I put in more effort. God, I need motivation... I need to get my priorities right. The onus is on me.

I don't really like the way I look most of the time. And if I don't look good, my enthusiasm and drive just plummets, almost rock bottom. And who do I have to blame? As usual, me. I eat like a god damn pig, even more than some guys. All the exercise I do is just maintaining my body but I am not losing any weight. :(

Lucky me, I got activated for for Fukuoka, Japan tonight, disrupting my flight to Adelaide tomorrow. I am not too happy because it ruined my plans. Also, I woke up at 5 am and now I have to work overnight. More damage to my brain cells, gonna become a bimbo at this rate... hehe:) I'd better not complain too much, at least the company loves me enough to make me work and it really isn't such a bad flight... my first time there too! At least I had ample notice and I don't have to paint my nails on the cab heh...

Going for dinner now... to my babes, especially Julz and Judy... I miss you all so very much! We really much meet up when our schedules aren't so crazy... *hugz*

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I have been behaving very badly these few days, I wonder what's up with me... I must stop being such a bitch to the people who put up with my crap. One minute, I'd be all nice and sweet... but the moment I get peeved, I'd be all cold and seriously screwed up. I get annoyed really easily.

Undeniably, only one person will take my nonsense, my ex-b/f. I think if I behaved the way I did to my other friends, I'd have no friends left haha:) He has been exceptionally sweet and tolerant and I admit I am taking him for granted. He told me he will put up with it but he'll slowly try to change me. I'd have to say his approach is working. He's such a dear...:)

Just ignore me, I'm just finding fault... I am so sleepy now and my brain juice needs recharging. Gonna meet my babe Nicole for a sun-tanning session later on... Nicky is already snoring beside me. So cute man! I didn't know dogs could snore:) He dreams too... I know... Sometimes, his paws would move in a running motion and his eyes would be darting from side to side behind closed lids. Chasing rabbits in his sleep:) How awfully adorable!

Need to catch some sleep of my own now.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Hiya! I'm back again, this time from Beijing. Kenna activated again, luckily the rest of my roster is not disrupted man, finding it a challenge to cope with the sudden changes in my schedule. I'd have to go through the hassle of re-arranging all my appointments and believe me, it is not a fun thing to do.

I am in desperate need for organization in my life!!! My room is in a freaking mess, it's a disgrace! God, I need a system here! That'll be my new project from now on, reorganization. Once I have that under control, I'll be a much happier person. I'm so disorganized that I forget I have driving lessons so many times and end up paying for lessons I don't attend. To be honest, I don't even know what insurance policies and investment-link policies I have, plus my finances are in a mess! That is dangerous, very, very dangerous...

Speaking of finances, I must seriously change my spending habits. It is getting out of hand. Yeah, I do have quite a bit of savings and an endowment plan, but I can really save so much more. The stupid Amore package is one example, 44 sessions expired just like that. Still feeling damn fucked about it. Another example is spending on a facial package I DO NOT NEED. It didn't do shit for me coz my skin is already very good. And did I mention how many cosmetics and cosmetics I have? I can practically set up a shop, I have everything for every occasion. Facial masks, eye creams, moisturizers, lip glosses, hairsprays, shampoos, you name it. I have them all... all in excess and half-used. I even have to resort to using my expensive moisturizers on my neck and to moisturize my body so that it will not go to waste. Terrible, just terrible:(

I have so many clothes, shoes and accessories but I always end up wearing the same old boring clothes and accessories. My style of dressing is usually very simple, always jeans and some top and the same old pair of heels. Sometimes if I feel good about myself, I'd dress up a bit more. Need a bit more organization in that area too so I can at least rotate what I already have and stop buying so many. Just today alone, I bought 5 tops... !!! It would help a lot if I didn't feel fat all the time hehe;p

I don't even wanna talk about how much I eat these days and it is getting a little out of hand. From tomorrow, I will stop all this binging nonsense. The only consolation is I have not gained any weight, YET. Since I get hungry easily, I need to eat healthier food and in smaller portions.

You don't need the start of a new year to have a resolution. Mine starts now. So much for ranting, I'll stop here and get some sleep now. Later!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Have not been updating for a few days, got whisked away from Singapore at very short notice. Guess what? I got activated to fly to Auckland, just got back from the 4 day flight last night! Bye bye Dubai-Istanbul... they disrupted my flight, but oh well, it happens.

I am partly to blame too, went out on the day I was on standby. Damn unfortunate to be activated, at such short notice too. Was disorientated and my nerves were totally frazzled. Managed to reach the control centre just before the briefing started coz there was a jam on the PIE. I painted my nails in the cab and it was in a mess, even managed to get nail polish on my handbag too hehe:) What a dork...

Had to hide my hands from the crew in the lift to the control centre by wearing a big, friendly smile and hiding my hands... then rushed straight to the toilet to scrape the excess polish off my cuticles. It's a tough feat trying to be nonchalant about doing it when crew were walking in and out of the toilet. Man...

Full load both ways, big surprise there... I'm being sarcastic of course, it's almost always a full load. There were a lot of English people on the flight. They were all travelling to Auckland to see a big rugby match, Lions vs. All Blacks. I had to work really, really hard but it was a pleasant flight overall, both ways. Singapore Sling was such a popular drink that we had to prepare 64 glasses of the cocktail. LOL;p

Oh, in my previous entry, I said I didn't like kids very much, I'm tolerant of them at most. It's weird but they don't seem to share the same sentiments about me. There was a kid on the flight back to Singapore. He had a really bad panic attack when the plane was about to take off and all. I was quite scared coz he kept screaming and saying he wants to get off the plane and I didn't know what to do, to be honest. His mom couldn't calm him down at all. I did the best I could and to my astonishment, he calmed down and he seemed comforted by my words and my presence. The mom was asking for me again when we were about to touch down... she said I had a magic touch. He was getting jittery again, the poor boy. True enough he calmed down when I spoke to him again. This is so strange considering I am really not good with kids at all, I mean I don't even know how to play with them or entertain them... On handling the situation, the fact that I am able to do something to make another person feel better gives me a good feeling...

I am beginning to fall in love with New Zealand. Some day, I'd love to migrate there. I can't explain it, I feel so at home when I'm there, it's a great place, I like everything about the country.:) Peaceful and laid-back, my kinda life...