Sunday, February 27, 2005

I have observed and noticed something... many guys are in love with themselves. Perhaps, it's an ego thing. A lot of guys I know perceive themselves to be charismatic, witty, good looking, fit... you name it. They think very highly of themselves, tending to over-estimate their actual abilities. Mind you, it's not a bad thing, confidence is sexy, but if it borders on cockiness and arrogance... get out of my face. Cocky guys turn me off BIG TIME, no matter how cute they are.

Of course, us ladies love our men to be very sure of themselves, it gives us this sense of security. There is nothing more sexy than a guy who has a drive and is motivated and hard-working:) What I cannot condone is a guy who is dependent on you because he chooses to wallow in self-pity about his failures instead of actually doing something about it. In fact, pardon me for saying this, real men should not have to depend on a woman. That is my opinion, sorry if you don't agree, but I don't give two hoots. I am pissed by the idea of men taking money from their women. I've heard of women who support their boyfriends or husbands while they sit their lazy ass at home. Thank God my darling is not like that:)

In stark contrast, a lot of gals are really insecure about themselves, even though they are already so slim and pretty. Oh ho, you'll be surprised... There is always something we are not happy about. I am very guilty of that myself. I appear very confident but I am not. There are SO MANY things that I wanna improve on right now. I shan't list everything here but my main gripe is I feel fat, as always. As shallow as it may sound, my main goal right now is to lose weight til I am happy, and it is just as important as passing my driving test and my piano exam. I have a reason to be this way coz I've put on 7kg so don't tell me to shut up. My company is getting very tough on the BMI issue and though I'm in the safe range, I shall not be complacent.

If you think I'm bad, I have people who are in the 40kg to 50kg range tell me that they are fat. Puh-leassssssse, you're only fat if you're like 150cm and below. I am seriously damn irritated ok? I ever witnessed one incident in the public toilet. There was this girl who's really slim looking at herself in the mirror. She was with friends who are on the fleshy side. Then she started pinching imaginary fat on her tummy and telling her friends how fat she is. God, I wanted to slap that bitch upside down and wipe their smug look off her fuck face. She was like so totally rubbing it into her friends' faces if you get what I mean... CB lah... TMD. Anyway my point is, a person's insecurity can be very annoying to other people... so I shall make a conscious effort to shut up and keep my insecurities to myself. Unless of course, they're having the same sentiments as me, in the same situation and having the same goals:) There are very few people who are comfortable in their own skin and I respect that a lot. I think my baby has been VERY patient with me when I start my whining about how fat and ugly I look. I do that a lot. He doesn't tell me to shut the hell up and piss off. Not once. Instead, he tells me I look just fine and is really encouraging. I love him so much for that:) It makes me even more determined to look my best for him hehehe:)

Okie, think I'll stop here and go to sleep, gotta work really hard later on. Cya!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

I did it... This morning, I woke up to the barking of my two dogs, had my breakfast and sat my ass down to practice on the piano. Yep, I did it, despite the overwhelming urge to just laze or go back to sleep. Hah!:) It wasn't much, just about 40 minutes or so but hey it's a start! This is considering the fact that I only practice less than an hour every week... and my teacher says at my grade, I should be practicing 2 hours a day for a year... Oh God, can you imagine how far behind I am?? I have only 6 months to prepare for the exam and I'm like only halfway there. Now you know why i was so reluctant to go for the exam... and it's $300 to take the exam, 300 freaking bucks...

Still, I'm glad I have this new-found discipline, coz I like to be in control of my life. I absolutely hate it when things don't go my way but I can accept it. Lately, my life has been a little outta control and it's starting to worry me. I feel a new sense of responsibility to myself and the ones I love so I'll keep my drinking and partying to a minimum.

I feel much much better today. I can hear better now although the left ear is still stuck and the wheezing is gone. I'm so glad:) I believe I can start working out again soon hehe:) Told you I'm becoming addicted and anyhoo, it's not a bad thing, is it?

I need to do something about my hair soon. I hate it.

Friday, February 25, 2005

I am so proud of myself, my fitness level has improved tremendously... but then again I've always been fit heh;p I've never gotten a silver for my NAPFA tests, only gold:) I can run and run and run and stop only when I get bored. I'm so addicted to the high I get after a good workout, and I'm gonna incorporate it into my daily routine. To feel good is to look good and vice versa.

Embracing the healthy way of living is gonna be one of my goals and subsequently lose all the weight I've put on and more. Speaking of which, I'm shocked at the amount of weight I have put on. It's enough to knock me to my senses, literally... The only thing I'm glad about is I don't look like I put on THAT much weight and I can still fit into my uniform comfortbly, thank God... But still... putting on about 7kg is not funny... so excuse me for being obsessive. I'm very very determined this time and I will update occasionally on my progress:)

I had and asthma attack again, the horrible weather and the dusty air are the triggers... was wheezing when I touched down from flight earlier on. Both my ears were stuck and I couldn't hear anything. I went to see a doctor and he gave me medicine and all... he offered to give me medical leave but I said no. I hope I get well soon, then I can continue my workouts and do the flight to Amsterdam.

Oh, I decided to go ahead and take my piano exam after all, I had lots of encouragement from all my friends and my teacher:) I hope I don't let myself or my teacher down. More and more discipline... My life is just all about discipline ain't it? I just pray the results are worth my efforts... I am gonna cut down on drinking too... I put on weight coz of all that social drinking...

Anyhoo... gonna rest now, nothing much to add at the moment. Just hope I recover, Goodnight peeps!:)

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Little did I know that my last flight to Perth will be the last time I'll be doing it with my team and my dear buddy, Jessica. There was a major team reshufflement... The times with my team were good when it lasted... I am feeling kinda wistful, as well as apprehensive about my new team. It is a relief to know that the inflight supervisor of my team is a very nice man... but I don't know about the rest, have not seen their names before.

I am suddenly so overwhelmed by the changes, I'll be rostered for Business Class training next month, another step up. For those of you who didn't know, we're only allowed to work in Business Class after 1 year of flying and I've only been flying for 8 months... The great thing is that I'll be seeing most of my batch mates again so I'm really happy:) My batch boy, Craig, msged me when I was in Perth. He said 4 of of us from the same batch are rostered for the Copenhagen flight we will be doing at the end of the month!!! You can imagine my excitement... What are the odds that 4 people from the same batch get rostered for the same flight and to Copenhagen too!! I say the odds are pretty slim but somehow it happened. Ooooh I just can't wait!:)

Aside from the fact that I am having a bad sore throat and a horrible flu, things are looking up. I hope it is not a relapse of the severe case of tonsillitis I had where I ended up in hospital... Gotta start taking care of my health and not over= exert myself... My baby was really sweet to me yesterday... Come to think of it, I'm really lucky to have someone love me so much... :)

I'm in a dilemma now... I do not know whether to go for my Grade 8 piano exam... I'm sure to fail coz I do not have time to practice coz of my job... I have lost the momentum and enthusiasm but my piano teacher says I can do it... I have til tmr to decide... I am so confused...

Sunday, February 20, 2005

"Come out, come out wherever you are....." Oooh such a creepy tone... I caught the movie Hide and Seek with my baby yesterday. As a child, it used to be one of my favourite games, after watching the movie, not anymore... I thought it was pretty good with a twist towards the end. I left feeling very disturbed though, very very disturbed... Anything involving a child and violence upsets me. Go watch the movie and you'll see what I mean.

I was busy the whole of yesterday. Went for driving lessons, went for piano lessons, the rushed down to meet my babe, Nicole. I was in a fucked up mood as usual, talked to my b/f til my hp ran out of battery and I didn't have a spare one. I am so handicapped without my phone and Nicole was nice enough to lend me her phone til she has to leave. Always coming to my rescue hehehe:) I dunno what I'd do without her:) We went for a facial together. It wasn't planned but I felt like doing a facial there and then. I hardly go for facials anyway and I think I should start. I must say I'm very impressed with the service and the cost. It is one of those small beauty salons in Toa Payoh. Quite obscure unless you know about it by word of mouth. Definately going back there again... Contemplating on busting $400 on skincare and curling my hair... hmmm...

I met up with my colleagues and we went down to Balaclava. I was underdressed where everyone around me looked so gorgeous but I didn't care. Ending up drinking lots of red wine. My baby came down and looked for me. We were supposed to have a 'talk' but we didn't in the end. Since I was feeling a slight buzz, I was nicer to him than I meant to be hehehehe:) Headed down to Mdm Wong's after that, someone's bright idea. I'm sorry but that place sucks. Anyway, by then I was too high to notice that the music sucked... I had fun but I must seriously cut back on my drinking. I drink an equivalent to 1 bottle of red wine (or more) every 2 days for the past week. Can you imagine how many calories that amounts to? God... no wonder I am putting on weight. It's all that drinking... :( Unfortunately, good company always comes with a drink or two, make that many many drinks.

Moving on, I guess the reasons for all that quarrelling with my baby stems from the fact that I do not like being controlled. I'm weird, coz the more someone trys to exert control over my life, the more out of hand I get. And if I am given the freedom to do what I like, I behave. Sure he puts in 100% (or so he says) and he expects the same from me. I can't... I treasure my friends too much to meet them less often. I try to include him and all, so that he knows who I'm hanging out with and get to know them at the same time. This is to put him at ease... seems to be working so far. He came up with a solution to our problems, just not be so commited to each other and concentrate on being happy. We'll see how that works out. Things seem ok for now and I'm glad coz I have more things to worry about..

I had a talk with my piano teacher and she told me her best friends from primary school and secondary school are married. And that their husbands DO NOT allow them to keep in contact with ANY of their friends, whether male or female. They don't even get to see their families as often as they'd like. After marriage, the only life they know is work and then the husband and the children. She was sad she lost her best friends that way.

Can someone tell me... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

How can ANYONE be happy with such a marriage? It's like they're a prisoner to their marriage and that their sole purpose in this world right now is to please their husbands? Hello? There's more to life than that! I dunno what I'd do man, I'd wither and die inside. It's the kind of life that I do not want for myself in the future... That's why I'm so resistant when I think my b/f is trying to control me and tell me what to do... expecting 100% and all. I love him yes, but he has gotta understand he can't have ALL of me. I just hope all the quarrels will stop after this...

Friday, February 18, 2005

No offense to the men in general out there but I don't believe how dense some guys can be, really.

My baby made a remark (probably only using half a brain at that time), thinking that it would make me feel better. Uh uh. If I'm some psychotic bitch, he's so gonna get it. Anyhoo, I did gave it to him, verbally and you know what? I don't feel like talking to him again. I shan't elaborate. Just that what he said made me so appalled, it couldn't have come at a worse time. It should not even have come out of his mouth.

Fuck. I just wanna give up.

Oh and btw, days and days of quarreling in a row does not bode well for a r/s does it? I don't know what to do anymore... Emotionally, this r/s is just too high maintainence. I'm too young for all that shit.

Just realized all my recent entries have a really negative tone. My life ain't that bad, honestly. It's just that the quarrels have affected me a lot and it seems to take precedence all the time, overshadowing all the few happy times I've had.

I once made a mistake of choosing my ex-b/f over my friends and til this day, I regret it. I'm not about to make the same mistake again. Screw it man, i just wanna be single now.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

2 nights of partying in a row... been a long time since I partied that much... I have come to realize one thing, how much my baby really loves me... and how much he is willing to compromise just so that I can have the best of all situations. I know I have made him very unhappy these days and I am ashamed of myself and my selfishness. *sigh* I really need to get my priorities right... now I just crave for the times we used to spend together, just the 2 of us...

As luck would have it, I gotta work tonight, I have to wait for 4 days before I can come back and make it up to him... Thank god I have a weekend off and a night flight on the following day. If you're readimh this darling, I'm sorry and I love you, we're gonna spend some quality time together when I get back...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Feeling just a tad better today, but at least it's an improvement ain't it? Not gonna just sit down here and feel sorry for myself and all. Self-pity is toxic and it poisons your mind, but I can't help not being happy about some stuff still. I am just gonna have to deal with it soon, maybe when the festive period is over and after I give it some thought til I'm sure.

So far, this Chinese New Year is one of the worst ones I remember having. I used to look forward to CNY every year, like how I used to love Christmas and long for my birthday to come. Now it becomes 'just another day'. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel it has lost all meaning for me and that it is just something customary thingie that people celebrate just for the sake of celebrating. But fuck, honestly, I do not have the festive mood whatsoever. It was the same thing too for Christmas 2004. It has just somehow lost its special meaning. Maybe because I'm always not around to spend the day with my loved ones. Maybe coz I had to work. I loved CNY. I loved to collect all the red packets and the friendly gambling with my cousins. The thrill of winning! Now it's hard to get everyone together coz we're all grown up now and instead of visting our relatives, we're off to our b/f's place or to some party or wherever. Sometimes I wonder if it is all part of growing up... just becoming more cynical, jaded and resentful.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. This is the most overrated day, EVER. I'm not saying it coz I do not have someone to spend it with... I guess I'm just so over all the lovey-dovey crap and if you're in love, you don't need a special day to prove it by paying exorbitant prices for dinner, gifts, flowers and you get my drift. However, I think it's perfect for those couples who are just starting to get to know each other and are in their honeymoon period. Oh what am I saying? I hope I feel better soon and I'm somehow, I'm glad I will be overseas on that day.

Oh SHOOT! Just remembered I have to study for a test to renew my safety license for work. *sigh* I don't hate my life but it is just not going well at the moment. Oh well...

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

So much for not hoping to get called up for flight. Hmmph!:( I was activated today for a Bali turnaround at 1 am and I had to leave the house at like 6.30am... Geez... Worst still, I was not even at home when they called me. Oh goodie, I kenna my favourite work position today man, B2!!! hahahaha!:) It basically means I have to operate as a flight steward. Had phobia initially after the messy Sydney flight I just did, but this time round, I managed well on my own and I'm darn proud of it.

I am so so so elated to have met up with Nicole yesterday:) Went over to her house just after my reunion dinner. We were both so happy to see each other we were practically wearing idiotic grins half the time hahaha, so silly man:) Together, we shared our woes and our confusion pertaining to certain issues in our lives. Going through similar emotional turmoil. *sigh* Anyhoo, I really missed her so much, I wish I could meet her everyday. hehehehe:) Now we sound like some soppy lesbian lovers lol;p

I'm literally in a shitty mood, fucking constipated and it's not half funny. No wonder my mood has been so toxic as well. I just feel like smashing every irritating piece of shit that gets in my way. Damn. Plus, I have been very troubled and stressed up over a lot of things lately. I need to think, damn I really need to think. But I am afraid, afraid of making the wrong decisions. Afraid of regretting. Just so much to think about. Hate being pessimistic so I'll pull myself together soon enough. Now, if only I could just take a dump...

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Argh... no time to update, no time for myself, how frustrating is that? There're so many things I wanna get done but I can't coz I have horrible time management skills. Looking forward meeting my baby later on, gonna go work out and then go for dinner and a movie:) It's so rare I get a weekend off and those are the only days that he is free:(

Anyhoo, just a quick update... I love my gal friends! I really do, I love them to bits... I'm so gonna miss them. Jude is like going to Brisbane for sometime and Julz...OMG, she's getting settled down. Did I mention how I'm gonna miss hanging out with the 2 of them?:(

I met up with them on Thursday night, just before I had to report for flight. It was just lovely, just the 3 of us, doing our gal activities, bitching, exchanging pictures with Julz via Bluetooth and poor Judy had to settle for a file transfer via the sucky infra-red. Pui!! Well, I'm the one complaining coz I had to wait like a few mins for 1 picture to be sent. Haha! Sorry babe;p I really forgot about what was bothering me just by being with them. As it is, all good things must come to en end...:( Isn't that real bummer? :( Oooh and we got matching friendship rings! It's so meaningful and we're gonna get them engraved when we meet again:) It sounds so like we're back in our primary school days where we'd exchange friendship bands. It was so nostalgic, it nearly brought tears to my eyes... *sigh*

I am unable to transfer the pics from my phone to the PC, so I'll will link to Judy's link to the pics.
I look like a damn goondu man...Argh... but as always, the other 2 babes look gorgeous;p

Oh and I told myself something, if I don't lose the weight I want, I won't buy any new clothes for myself. I have more than enough anywayz. How's that for motivation?;p Later!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

It has been quite awhile since I last updated my blog... no time to sit down and really think about how I wanna express my thoughts. It has been a hell of a week and I really, really enjoyed the last flight I did, which was dubai-istanbul. I have never met such a wonderful set of crew in all my months of flying... Yep! Had a great time, if only all flights were like this hehe:) There were some incidences that happened on board involving a passenger. I shall not say what coz I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do so without getting into trouble. So if you wanna know, just ask me directly or something... I am so sleep-deprived I am surprised I still have so much energy... I'm not exactly burnt out but I'm more like mentally exhausted.

Damn, this entry has no direction whatsoever because my thoughts are in a whirlwind at the moment. I don't even have time to sit down and catch my breath. I only have 2 miserable off days and most of it is spent rushing from place to place. I really feel like I have a lot of unfinished business... I have so many things to think about and I am confused. That's right, I am just damn fucking confused and I don't feel good. Sometimes I wonder why I complicate my life with incessant thoughts. If only I could dictate my thoughts and feelings and choose exactly how I wanna feel and how I want things to turn out. If only. But it is all but a foolish whim. Hmmph:(

My baby and I hardly meet now coz our schedules always clash. Sometimes I feel like I am growing apart from him...:( When I have one pathetic off day in btw flights, he has night class... and now transport is a problem... *sigh* I miss my friends like crazy... I miss talking to them. I miss hanging out with them... I miss Nicole especially... :( I miss Judy and Julie but then again, I'm meeting them today!!!!!! YAY!!!!! So damn freaking happy... :) You have no idea.

I need to think and sort out my thoughts and feelings. I need to get them back in order. I just need to. Time to go get a reality check...