I attended the last sermon for this year this morning and I left the church, deep in thought. The message was simply to count our blessings, something that we have to be reminded time and again, because we forget.

I did some self-reflection and have come to a realization. On the occasions that I succumb to a complaining and critical spirit, I feel drained and unhappy. My attitude did me no favours at all and I attracted even more things to be upset about.

It happens when I get caught up in life and draw away from God. Though I am grateful for whatever blessings I have, I allow certain things to get to me and that negates the effect of gratitude and goodwill. When I rid myself of the negative thoughts and be more forgiving of the character flaws that irk me, I receive even more goodwill in abundance.

Let it be a promise myself to always count my blessings because gratitude is the doorway to happiness. May the Lord deliver me from my negative attitude, then 2008 will be an even better year.

I have issues with people of the anal-retentive sort and it is getting to be a challenge to curb my irritation. Even more so, now that the monthly blues afflicting the female population has made its call. Uh oh.

Yesterday, an incident pissed me off greatly. That, I do not want to go into detail about. Having said that, I will try not to judge and reserve my comments to myself. I will keep the peace but in my mind's eye, it's another sign-off situation.

Much was being said, but there was only one statement in the whole conversation that I agree with. I can only conclude that nuggets of wisdom can indeed come from the most unlikely sources. On hindsight, there was an effort to diffuse the situation and I see it as a good thing.

I have centered myself once again and this time, I am determined not to lose sight of the plot. Things that are annoying and are not of significance will not break my stride. The Lord is who I will turn to when my spirit is weary, He knows what to do.

I am starting to like Christmas once again. No longer do I feel detached from what used to be my favourite time of the year. Over-commercialization has robbed this season of its true meaning and spirit. How I miss the simple, old-fashioned Christmases of yesteryear, the kind that I remember from my childhood days.

There are still fond memories of the Christmas eve I spent in Perth last year as I was in the company of good friends. This year, it was the unexpected sweetness and sincerity of a simple gesture that warmed my heart and truly touched me.

=)

I will enjoy the moment while it lingers. The essence of joy and happiness is transient and it must not be marred by the fear and uncertainty of the future. With blessings aplenty, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

I do not know where to begin or what to write. In the recent months, I have come to realize that it is only when I am oscillating between the two extremes of the emotional spectrum, that I actually have something to write about.

At the moment, my emotional and mental state is at the equilibrium. Though, there has been so much drama in just this year alone, it is also the most pivotal point of my life. I have been given a chance to work towards my goal, when previously, I have been denied repeatedly of this opportunity.

I am happy, but there is that small tinge of sadness somewhere. At the crucial period, I really cannot have everything, it is either or. Some things will just have to wait, unless of course, He plans otherwise.

I am the underdog but I see it more of an advantage than anything else, for now.=)

The weekend that I was so looking forward to is fast coming to an end. By comparison, its monotony is a stark contrast to the very eventful week that I have had.

Having set foot on a territory that is totally unfamiliar to me, I have been experiencing a myriad of different feelings. The unease did not last for long and as the week wore on, I grew more accustomed to the changes in my environment.

I am actually starting to like it.

Except for the chickens outside my house that torment my sleep every night with their incessant crowing, at the oddest hours. Nabei, they are the reason I am starting to supplement my semi-vegetarian diet with chicken again. I need the protein and it the the source that is most easily available now.

With a ritual of my own that I have since established, it is with God's blessings that I am here now. He has led me, around every obstacle, the calm inner voice that has unfailingly guided me. I know I must give it my best now, in the glory of His name and leave it all in His hands.

I wanted to be here and I got what I wanted. Yet, there is still the initial unease of being in a totally different environment. So much so that, I did not sleep a wink all last night.

My friend's surprise visit with 5 furry friends brought me unbridled joy and warmed my heart. May there be more of such happy moments to come to keep me going.=)

A very different life it is going to be and the changes are already slowly creeping in. It takes a little bit of getting used to, but I think I eventually will, once I am more settled in.

I realized something about myself when it comes to the affairs of the heart. It all makes perfect sense to me. It is not about how much a person can give me, but how much that person makes me want to give.

Well, that itself is self-explanatory.

The waves of nostalgia that I felt were beset with a quality that is oh so surreal. Two years it has been but it certainly does not feel like that length of time has already come to pass. Though it does seem unreal, all the experiences that assault my thoughts are as vivid as though they happened yesterday.

I am totally aware of the changes in me that have taken place. Though I have been blessed with the opportunity to grow in mind and in spirit, it is not without pain and hardship. The trials and tribulations that occasionally rock my world has served its purpose and taught me many valuable lessons.

It is a scary world of uncertainty I am about to step into. The days spent in my comfort zone are fast becoming a distant momory. Strange as it may sound, there is no fear. Maybe not now, because I have yet to experience the magnitude of what I am actually getting myself into. But I am not afraid. My vision, my thoughts and how I feel are one, in harmony, that is a good sign. If it does not feel right, it does not bode well. Too often, my unease about things are spot on.

All the pain and disappointment that I have felt were not in vain. The tears that I have shed, though little, were a welcome release. And now I look forward.

Like a tidal wave, it all comes at once. I must brace and try to ride above the wave.

Having caught a glimpse of what is to come, the magnitude of what I am about to put myself through is starting to sink in.

Oh God.

It all started with a dream, one that is slowly fleshing out to become a reality with each baby step I take. All that crushing disappointments in my life are now a distant memory. Faith and a burning conviction kept me going as I weaved my way around the many obstacles in my path.

It overwhelms me when I realize just how far I have come, yet even at this point, I still have a very long way to go. Will my fighting spirit, very much alive and kicking, be strong enough to withstand a test of this immensity?

Even with the incredible amount of encouragement and support around me, it is a very lonely journey that I have to go through alone. A journey of a thousand miles that begin with a single step. I have made the biggest step of all, the only thing left to do is to keep going.

I am counting down as the days inch forward at a crawl. With bated breath, I await a new beginning as it looms nearer.

Yet as I write this entry, I do not know where to begin. My thoughts are crashing about like tidal waves in my mind as I eagerly anticipate the possibilities ahead. It is a whole range of emotions that I am experiencing and at this point, it is hard to determine exactly what I am feeling. Overall, it is the positive and happy feelings that are predominant, tarnished however, with a tinge of sadness.

Today, a good friend of mine was distraught when he messaged me over MSN. One of his best buddies recently passed away. He died a horrible death in a freak accident. Even though, I have never met the guy before, I feel my friend's loss deeply and it sombred me up. I do not even want to imagine what it is like to feel such a loss, because I do not think I can bear it. I pray that God will bless his soul.

How fragile and precious life is, isn't it? Delicate as glass and once shattered, it is near impossible to piece the fragmented shards back together without the cracks. Thus, it is a promise to myself to enjoy this journey, appreciate whatever I have and lead a fulfilling like.

There will be no regrets. If I had to choose all over again, I would not change anything at all.

Caught The Bee Movie today. I have three words to say about it "OH MY GOD". Those who are in the know of what is happening in my life right now will understand why.

Goodnight!

With a single phone call, I have set in motion, a chain of events that will change my life. Things are going to be a whirl from now on and I may not have the time to catch my breath.

I am going to plunge into this with great joy and enthusiam and embrace my new life with vigour and passion. The journey begins now and I will make this long journey with courage and absolute faith in the Lord. I thank God for everyone who has stood by me, I cannot do this alone.

Dare to dream, and as my cousin, Cheryl, always tells me, listen to that inner voice within you. I am glad I did, THIS changes everything.

=)

Grey... I hate that colour with a vengeance. When it comes to certain affairs in life, I like things to be in black and white. God was merciful and answered my prayers when I begged him every night to shed some light on the grey areas in my life.

Today, the Lord gave me my deliverence. Even though the outcome was not in my favour, a sense of relief washed over me and the shackles that have bound me to the unknown fell at my feet and disappeared. Then, my spirits lifted and my mind was at peace once again.

The truth hurts sometimes, but only for awhile. The pain of not knowing is prolonged and causes more suffering. Though it takes great courage to face up to the former, I would choose to brace myself for it. There are no illusions about it and there is great clarity that I see in the picture before me.

We all have certain angels that come into our lives, and I am very blessed to have many such angels. I hope that I can be that angel in people's lives too, that encouraging force that lifts them up and share the blessings that I know of.

Having said that, nothing in life is certain because everything changes. We have to find that silver lining in every passing cloud as I have learnt to do. After being knocked about so many times, it is exactly what keeps me going. Listen to that inner voice within you and let it guide you.

It can only get better.

Still seeing stars from all those camera flashes. I have never liked being photographed, but today, I must have been photographed a million times. In more days than one, was an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. Nevertheless, it was wonderful being a part of the biggest day in Judy's life. The smile on my face was genuine as I walked down the aisle, ahead of her and my heart sang with joy for my friend when she exchanged her vows.

Sharing someone else's joy and living for moments of happiness like these makes the world a better place. The hidden blessings are always lurking in the crevices of even the darkest corner, if you know where to look.

My life is thrown out of its delicate balance once again. Thoughts clouded by uncertainties and the constant niggling feeling that something does not feel right.

My gut feel has been honed to a certain degree of accuracy these days. I do not know what I know but I just know... The last thing I want to do is to deal with complicated.

If only it could be that simple but I cannot find the words to express the complexity of my feelings. I cannot talk to the people I used to be able to talk to and at this time, I have never felt more alone in my life. Sometimes I wish I can be swept away and just disappear. Yet, I have not forgotten my blessings in the form of my cousin and some friends, that helps to keep me grounded.

This morning, I felt that my prayers were answered. I received some news I have been waiting a long time for, with a twist that may require a different plan of action. More waiting, more uncertainty and God knows what else.

I feel like I am drowning.

Back to reality now. The past week has gone by in a whirl, and it was over before it started to sink in. It is definitely one of the more special moments in my life and I am glad that I enjoyed those moments whilst experiencing them. Having said that, we all have to come back down to earth and at times like these, reality does suck because it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

I have missed all my friends and my dear cousin very much. I thank God for their presence I am ever so glad to have them around. The joy they bring into my life is not something I would trade for the world.

My heart is heavy and there are a lot of things on my mind. There are just too many things that are left unsaid. I will wait and see because wait is all I do these days. Despite myself, the expectations are starting to creep in and it scares me. It is not the best time for me to deal with complicated right now. Only the Lord can open my eyes and it is Him I shall seek.

Off to Auckland early tomorrow morning. Things will set themselves right.

Today, seated two rows down from me, I saw a young guy cry during the worship and prayer session. He was bowed down in deep prayer and sobbing away. I was very struck by the whole scene and I spent the most part of the sermon, just looking at him.

The last time I cried like that was last year and it feels good to be able to release pent up emotions. There are still times that I walk around with a knot in my heart that can only be unravelled with tears that no longer come readily.

It was weird, but I could feel this stranger's pain. Perhaps, it was a reflection of my own hidden pain that I have not yet acknowledged.

On a much lighter note, I am really looking forward to something and I am going to enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Ambiguity seems to be the common theme in the lives of many people I talk to. I thought I would know better, but yet I find myself embroiled in yet another potential mess that can very well blow up in my face.

This sucks.

I do not put myself in situations I know I cannot handle. The very fine lines in the grey areas have been blurred so much that I have stopped trying to analyze and make sense what I am feeling. As much as I hate to admit it, I care more than I let on, but yet I don't question. In the months to come, it may become clearer to me, though whether it matters then, is another story altogether.

So I say, live for the moment and relish joy that life brings with expectations kept to a minimum. I take comfort in knowing I can open my heart and let myself feel and move on when it is time.

Now, I shall look forward to the unexpected surprise that has already been sprung upon me.=)

My dog was behaving strangely. Nicky followed me everywhere when I got up this morning and walked about the house. When I turned to look at him, he would sit down and look at me with the most beeseeching expression in his eyes. He did this a few times. Then I saw him wiping his ass on the floor by dragging his bottom.

Nabei, then I realized why he was looking at me like that. It was not because he suddenly became more affection, he just wanted me to wash his backside.

Bloody hilarious lah. I must be turning cuckoo coz silly things like these make me happy but at least it put a smile on my face today.

I feel like I have to drag myself to work more than usual today. One of those pms-induced moody days for me. Oh well, gotta hose Nicky's ass with water before I leave for Beijing.

It is time to put that long overdue, disappearing act into play.

Digressing from that, it is always a waiting game, but I will not be someone who waits forever, while I put everything else on hold. The small piece of news I received today does not bode very well, but it is only temporary.

Having said that, I will still go ahead. Life goes on, it will be a journey of faith.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. The tide seems to be turned to my favour, albeit slowly. Whatever it is, I will not lose sight of what is important.

My journey to work, the time when I sit for take-off and landing and the time before I sleep, is my quiet time with the Lord. For days and weeks, I prayed for guidance and sought for answers. Yesterday, I got an insight to yet, another revelation. What appears apparent, is not always as simple as what it seems.

In my excitement at all that has been happening, I have neglected to consider a few things and look at the bigger picture. I realized that I have forgotten my true reasons of wanting to embark on this journey in the first place. My fear of not having any progress in my life is overwhelming and I have grown tired of packing up and going away. Today, it all came back to me and I understand enough to plan the next step.

I spent my time well yesterday. I had the great priviledge of hanging out and talking to someone that I truly respect and admire, the one who has inspired me. Through her and her friend, I got a lot of answers. It was as if the Lord spoke to me through them. I will pray for ways to facillitate my next move, to be revealed to me. The journey is not going to be an easy one, but I believe in it enough to go ahead.

The poo went missing and I know what happened to it. The eternally hungry Nicky grinned sheepishly as I lectured him about eating his own poo.

Then, my two doggies parked themselves at the entrance of the kitchen and watched me lovingly as I washed and hung the clothes and folded those that were dry.

They eyed my every move with twisted fascination as I washed the dishes and cleared their pee and poo. The duo kept hanging around as my brother vacuumed the floor.

It bore some semblance to my mother's usual routine that they have gotten used to and you can almost hear their happy sighs. Dogs love having a routine and they are missing my mom dearly.

I miss her too and I hope she comes back from her holiday in Korea soon.

Soon people will know... it is not something I am exactly thrilled about, because of the added pressure. But yet, if I don't speak of it, many doors would have been kept closed and I would have lost out on valuable insights.

Also, I do know that there are people who appear supportive but secretly want things to remain as they are. There is nothing much I wish to say, though my heart is indeed feeling a little heavy. With my best efforts, I will continue to forge ahead.

And I will pray for the Lord to walk this journey with me.

Life is one big unfinished picture, til the day we take our last dying breath and say goodbye to the world. Someone described very aptly, our life as 'works in progress'. It struck me how true that is. No matter how long we have lived, how many different experiences we may have had or how much we think we know, we are never really complete.

There are so many questions resonating from the core of my soul, which I have yet to find the answers to. Even when I think I have, the answers do not keep me satisfied for very long. Then I would seek again and try to make sense of all that is going on around me.

But then again, if I knew everything, I would be God. So it is just best to leave it in His hands and trust in His Wisdom.

I do not need to know everything. Perhaps, the less I know, the better it is.

The running groove is back. The 5km run I did the day before and 8km run I did at East Coast Park today was exceptional. The runner's high lasted throughout the night and I think I will be sleeping very well.

The new lifestyle I have adopted is indeed making positive changes to my life so you can be sure that I will keep this up. I will pick up rollerblading as it is not so punishing on the knees. It is something I am totally looking forward to, once I get myself a new pair of rollerblades.

I have been thinking a lot lately, sometimes it is good to indulge in something that takes my mind off things, no?

Dogs do get depressed over the way they look too. Absolutely comical, I cannot help but be amused.:) Miko's recent grooming session left her looking like an odd hybrid of a Miniature Pinscher, a Chihuahua and a barrel. Gone is the big hair and the mane she used to toss about so proudly. The groomer shaved off everything, save for a little flower of a tail.

Poor Miko. She came up to greet me when I got back this morning and whined before listlessly slinking back to her usual corner. She is extremely self-conscious about it and lying low for the moment. No more strutting about in her usual yaya papaya way and acting cute.

I think I understand, if I know I have had a fugly haircut, I'd behave the same way too. Hell, she is just like me.

What a great way to spend the weekend. I caught Swan Lake on Ice with my cousin yesterday and I absolutely loved it. Following which, we attended the healing service at Lighthouse Evangelism with both our mothers. Then, I caught Ratatouille with a friend thereafter. I adored that movie and its underlying theme. The tale is simple, sweet and yet carries a powerful message. Anyone can do anything if they dare to dream and not limit themselves to what society dictates.

I like that.

I attended church again this morning with Judy, her beau and her friend. After which, I went for fitting for the dress I am to wear for Judy's big day. She asked me to be her bridesmaid and I am deeply honoured to be a part of it. I cannot wait and I am so excited for her!:) Another one of my dear gal friends is getting married next month and I am very extremely happy for her as well, though it came as a surprise. It is lovely to see them bask in the glow of the upcoming wedding bliss and their happiness radiating from their faces. And as for me, I have something else to be happy about.

:)

I am off to Amsterdam tonight, be back soon.

In the biblical sense, I was reminded of Adam, Eve and the serpent. Uncertainty clouded my mind and my conviction wavered only for that moment, then it was gone.

I would not be able to identify the 'serpent' until more things come to light, in the meantime, I can only trust the Lord.

Nothing in life is for certain, and I am resigned to the fact that I cannot take things for granted and expect things to remain the same. While it is nice to have a pollyanna approach to life's issues, the reality is that nothing is forever and nothing remains the same. That, I do not forget.
So I let myself to go with the flow and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised.

I have had many pleasant surprises over the past few months and this morning was no exception. I broke the news to her and braced myself for a violent reaction. To my astonisment, she took it well and was very cool about it. By taking the plunge and telling her, I feel an incredible lightness in my heart.

Something miraculous is at work here and I am basking in the glory of it at long last.

When is it ever a good time break a piece of news? Almost never, if you know that the recipient will not take the news very well.

I have left a few things in limbo for now as I have to ponder about the next step very carefully. It is unwise to go ahead and start counting my chickens until I know more and things become even more certain. What is left to do now is to pray for guidance and wise counsel and to tell mommy.

That, I will have to do eventually.

Nabei... Slid off my seat after paying the bill and landed on my ass. So shy man... I sprang up like a deer and laughed it off hehehe:) P.T had a good laugh out of it, but so did I heh. Just one of those days. eh?

But having said that, I have been having a wonderful time meeting up some of my friends over the past 2 days., particularly tonight. My hot date was with my beloved batch girl, P.T, who has left the airline recently. There was lotsa laughter and much to share, the same good old times that I miss. The night ended on a very pleasant note which lingered on after we parted ways.

The 4km run after I came back from town was much needed. I am off to bed now, gotta wake up to get ready to fly to Beijing in 2 hours' time.

This morning, I received some news that will enable me to plan my next step. Now, I will have a huge decision to make that will change my whole life in years to come. There is no comfort zone to speak of until many years later and only, if I make it through. Sometimes, I wonder where I find the courage to proceed up to this stage where before, I was so afraid of change and the possibility of failure and hardship. This will be a tough journey but I know I will not be alone. I only know that when you find a purpose in your life, you do not let it go. The destination is in sight, but it is the journey that counts and defines your life.

There is a time for everything and the time is now. The events leading up to this have fallen into place so seamlessly that it is more than just a mere coincidence. I am in awe and at a loss for words, yet I am strangely calm and my mind is at peace. God has provided me in ways that are far more than what I have asked for. Whatever the outcome, it will be the best for me. I keep that faith.

A girl who dares to dream big. Dreams to come true, eventually, if you believe in it hard enough.

It is the beginning of all change and I will have to make some very important decisions very soon. There is none of the jitters or apprehension because the heart and the mind has long been prepared for this.

I will not get my hopes up until the plans become concrete. Now, I can only wait and watch the events unfold, following which, I will embark on that long journey of faith, towards the vision that burns brightly in my mind.

I will leave it in His hands.

Living for the moment is perhaps the happiest way to live life. I no longer let myself be bound by the past, nor do I fret about the future. Although the direction has been set, lot still remains to be seen. I have adopted the 'what will be, will be' attitude because everything changes. Instead of being unhappy about what we cannot control, we live for the moment and then we move on.

I will miss the cool touch of the ivory keys under my fingertips when I leave for my 10 day 'pilgrimage' trip tonight. I do not know when I started forming such an attachment with the instrument I have grown to know and love, but I have come to realize that it is also the same with certain people in my life.

Affinity is a word that is very much synonymous with my life. I tend to be very drawn to anyone or anything that I have a mutual affinity with. When it comes to people, however, it can be one-sided. That, I do not have to elaborate on. We are all creatures ruled by emotions, even though some may beg to differ. There are instances where I find myself forming attachments to people who may not feel the same. We cannot run away from expectations but we can change the way we handle it. Such is the drama in my life which I am doing my best to minimize.

The greatest blessing in my life is to have found an affinity with God. He fills the void that I once had, and I am glad beyond glad that I turned to him. My next sentence is a personal message to someone. We have all made our fair share of mistakes in life because the flesh is weak. The most important thing is to learn to forgive ourselves and repent because the Lord has already forgiven us. Let go and walk in His grace.

I feel that familiar twinge when I have to go away again because I feel like I am cut off from the people I am used to having around me. Having said that, God goes with me wherever I go, so i will make the most out of my time in Dubai and Moscow.

Will miss you, you and you.

There is something about those eyes that touched me deeply. It has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and I wonder if dogs have souls too, like us. Because when I look deep into their eyes, I see love emanating from them, in its purest form.

A furry face stretched into a doggy smile greeted me when I opened my eyes this morning. Miko placed both her paws on the side of my bed and licked my hand, before bounding out of the room. It was a simple gesture of love, but yet it was the simplicity that struck me most.

I have been spending time playing the piano when I can, it is like rediscovering my second love all over again. The sheer joy of indulging your time in doing something that you love gives meaning to my leave. Which is the reason why my first love will define my life in the next part of the journey that is to come.

It is a path that I choose because it is the only one that brings meaning and drive into my life. Come what may, the outcome remains to be seen. No one knows what will happen in the future because everything changes, so the only thing we can hold on to, is faith. I will leave it in the Lord's hands and give it my best effort, and everything else will fall into place, in His time.

It is really, the simplest of things that bring a glow of happiness to my face. Fleeting moments of joy and the dearest of memories that I hold on tightly to. Because in the deepest of disappointments and hurt that I have experienced, they warm the heart that has already begun to turn cold...

Perhaps, I should close this door too.

I thought I'd just wait and see what happens... But it was no different from the last, so I will have to leave it as it is. The lingering emotions fade into oblivion and then it is gone.

Maybe forever.

There is just so much that I want to express but I just cannot seem to find the time to sit down and write a decent entry. Tonight would actually be a good time, but after spending the last 3 hours furiously replying e-mails and messages, I change my mind. Heh.

I have been doing a fair bit of soul searching of the emotional and mental kind, and trying to put a lot of events that has happened, into perspective. Strangely enough, despite all the drama that has been going on in my life, I am able to find some semblance of peace and focus within myself.

Have I become too used to it already? I might have the answer, but I will leave it for some other time. Gotta hit the sack.

We all live for the rare moments that take our breath away and each encounter serves to remind us that life can be fulfilling and beautiful. Today, I experienced that special moment.

This is the highlight of whatever I have been working towards and it will be etched into my memory for as long as I live. I do not think I have ever felt a stronger sense of achievement than this. There is absolutely no comparison.

There is still a long road ahead of me but it is a journey I am certain I will enjoy.

Every time shit happens and you come out the better of it, you evolve as a person. The more shit you go through, the more you evolve and the stronger you become. It is part of the character building process. So with all the shit, inner struggles, pain and disappointments I have had to endure over the years, it is to prepare me for a much bigger purpose.

I think I understand now. I will be needing all the resilience and tenacity to see myself through. I got a sign today, I will act on it and see what happens.

Things are getting better and I am filled with gladness in my heart. I am very grateful to the people who have expressed their concern for my family and I and I cannot give enough thanks to the church members who have been visiting us regularly and praying for us. The genuine sincerity and the kindness extended to us by strangers who have become friends, leaves me overwhelmed.

The major worries are slowly ebbing away by the power of prayer, but something else always crops up in its place. Now I am left to contend with me and my own issues. There is a decision I want to make and it will change my whole life.

I am really struggling within and all I want to do now is cry. I realized that nearly all my life, I have subconsciously been trying to get my mom to approve of me, and be proud of me, without much success. I always seem to rub her the wrong way and I can never make her happy. Then I stumbled upon the only thing that makes me motivated and come alive. It also happens to be the very thing she wants me to give up. What she thinks is best for me and what I think is best for myself is worlds apart.

I am so freaking torn between wanting to obey her and going for what I really want and think is good for me. Talking to her plants this huge seed of self doubt, she really makes me feel that I simply cannot do anything right and that is too much to take. I have been on emotional tenderhooks all week and this issue is the one motherfucker that tips me over the edge. Now, the tears just cannot stop flowing.

I cannot seem to find comfort anywhere except in God. Now I am not so sure what he wants of me.

It was an emotionally-charged day and I have forgotten how good it feels to cry. The tears are a release that blankets the soul in comfort. Too much to think about, I can only look for guidance. What will I do?

Being at home with two emo, angst-ridden , poo-eating dogs is not fun at all. I cannot help but give a wry smile when I open the door to my mother's bedroom and see Miko and Nicky dash in with a hopeful look on their faces. You can literally see their crestfallen expressions when they fail to find my mother, after searching every nook and cranny of the room.

Miko has been waiting at the door at the usual time every evening for my mom to walk in through the front door. It is quite heart-breaking to see the woebegone look in her eyes when she finally gives up and she slinks to her corner.

I have never seen a dog do a better 'Oh my God, what the fuck?' expression than Miko. When she saw the kibbles I poured into her bowl, she literally threw her head back and looked up to the heavens with that look. It was so comical I cannot help but to burst out laughing.

At least there is still some cheer in my life, albeit in little spurts. It is enough to keep me going, I am just glad I am around. I have to shuttle between hospitals later, after going to church. My brother is still fine for now but is understandably affected by all that has happened. I am the only one who is not hit by dengue epidemic. Things just keep getting worse, yet better. Ain't it strange?

God is with us and for that I am glad.

Things just got unexpectedly worse... more than what I was prepared to handle. But somewhere, deep within me, I found calm I never knew I had. There seemed to be an invisible force guiding me and somehow, I realized I had already anticipated what I should do.

When shit happens, just rise to the occasion and fucking deal with it.

Whatever happened tonight jolted me out of the melancholy that has been hounding me for the past week. There is simply no room for any emo shit and in its place, a steely calm and renewed strength takes residence. I have been distracted for too long, bound by obligations and blinded by false hopes. I am setting my priorities right this time. Hopefully by doing so, I would regain some semblance of that organized chaos I seem to thrive in.

You know, it is really uncanny how I seem to ask questions that provide me with the answers that I need most. One such question popped into my mind when I was having tea with my brother.

Me: "When you are feeling down and you need a source of comfort, who is the person that
aways comes to mind?"

Bro: "My girlfriend." (I thought that was incredibly sweet by the way...)

Me: "Who would you turn to next?"

Bro: "You and mommy."

Me: "And after mommy and I?"

Bro: "Derek."

The few people that often come to mind in your dire times of distress are the rocks in your life, or your pillars of strength. They are the ones who are always constant, take the time to listen and at appropriate times, give valuable advice that you would actually heed. They are the people you can message or call at whim without being afraid you would be 'bothering them'. Most importantly, to me at least, you can share your deeper thoughts with them because they'd be able to relate and their company almost always make you feel better. And vice versa of course.

It is a healthy relationship that exists between you and those special people in your life. Those are the ones that you should make time for. They put the cheer back into your life and suddenly, the world seems brighter once again.

Sometimes, you simply do not have time for everyone, so choose who you spend your time with wisely.

Then I put my own life into perspective. I have many close friends but no one I can really consider my 'pillars of strength' because they are not constant. They just 'happen to be around' at different times, but still kind enough to lend a listening ear. I do not expect much, afterall, something is better than nothing, isn't it?

However, that is not enough to negate the hollow feeling I have come to recognize when it surfaces. One day, I will not have to feel that way anymore. All in good time I say...

A friend's wise words struck a chord. He said that God only gives us enough grace for one day and that when a new day begins, we get grace for that day again. I think it makes a lot of sense to live each day happily as it comes, because we do not know what happens tomorrow.

I speak to Him in prayer and I know I am not alone because God is with me.

Too much, too much on my mind... I am numb with fear, oh god... I hope I know what to do...

Much has been on my mind lately and it is almost impossible to grasp the torrent of thoughts flooding my mind and trying to make sense out of them.

When that happens, I stop trying and just well, fuck it. Really.

Not that I don't give a damn... I do. Just that I always believe that things will work itself out if I stop stuggling and keep the faith. More often than not, the outcome is better than expected, because I know the Lord is by my side. God has bestowed his many blessings and grace upon me and my family and for that, I am eternally grateful.

My mom messaged me with a piece of good news when I was in Perth. Then she said something unexpected. She said, "I believe in prayer now, it works. I feel happy." Her words touched me deeply and I know that He has answered my own prayers for her to believe in Him, all in good time.

And yes, all in good time it is. I will be patient with regards to certain matters. If things are meant to happen a certain way, everything will click seamlessly into place. It has happened many times in various aspects of my life. Harmony, balance and faith brings meaning into my life.

I end this entry now for I will embark on a 7 day 'pilgrimmage' trip to Abu Dhabi. It will be an excellent opportunity for me to spend time catching up with myself. Unless of course, I meet interesting people to hang out and go sightseeing with. If not, I will just fuck off and disappear until the time I have to report for work. Peace and God bless.

Having listened to my daddy talk over lunch and dinner today, I have come to realize that the older generation tend to live in the past, one event after another, all recalled with startling detail. It was interesting to listen to initially, but after awhile, I started to become a bit weary.

I am someone who casts her vision far ahead and I believe in living for now. The past is something I visit only when something jolts my distant memory. Then, I am suddenly reminded of the movie Big Fish and I could really relate to the characters in it.

Then, I understood the subtle but powerful message behind the movie.

How about we talk about the things that made me smile today?

My day started very early and I went for a run that is long due. The initial inertia was easily overcome but I got bored after 2.4 km. Saw many dogs out for their morning walk. A lovely German Shephard puppy I have never seen before caught my eye. I could determine his gender rightaway by the way he peed hehe!;p He had a bashful look on his face, a total sweetheart.

Then I saw a kitten soaking up the morning sun on a window sill with eyes closed... it was pure bliss for the little fella and I dare say, simple contentment.

The time to myself did me a lot of good but I am going to need a bit more. I am all smiles once again and I am looking forward to tomorrow.

=)

Really, it irks me big time when people think they know me oh so well. Sad to say, it is not just one, but a few who are guilty of it. Yesiree. Here's the big news... for some reason, I get ESPECIALLY irritated by that assumption. So if you happen to think you know what's on my mind, what I will say or how I will react to something... I suggest you keep it to yourself.

But of course there are the exceptions of course... I was ranting to poor Capt Teh. over MSN and I think I must have sounded quite fierce, peppering my emo outburst with a little bit of colourful language coz he kept quiet.

(BTW, an emo outburst from me is not something I do often, but I am truly fed up with some shit.)

Finally, he said he is not going to comment and provide me with solutions because it seems to him that I just want to let off some steam.

So smart, he is not one of my closest friends for nothing. I am not asking for advice, I just want to bitch.

"Can you sit with me for landing?" the little girl asked me with a hopeful expression on her face.

It was an innocent and simple request, but yet it touched my heart and put a genuine smile on my face. The 2 1/2 flight flight delay out of London gave me a rare opportunity to buddy up with some kids on ground. It amazes me how bright and observant children can be. My colleagye and I were surrounded and we had to answer a barrage of inquisitive questions from them. It struck me that I could actually have a conversation which I enjoy! It was nice to reminisce about my childhood and talk the toys and cartoons that I used to like.

When I want to shut myself away from the world for a bit, I do the solitary things that make me happy. Music, running, reading and a recent hobby I particularly love, comforts me. I do like good company but sometimes, it is just nice to be alone, which is what I want for now.

This was supposed to be an unhappy post, but as I was gathering all my angry thoughts into one big furyball for venting, I was interrupted. Unexpected and happy interruptions I must say.=) So now... I guess I kinda forgot why I was pissed off. Still, a number of people have been irritating the shit out of me over the past 2 weeks but right now, they can just talk to the hand coz they don't matter. Some friends have really disappointed me but I will get over it.

On a much brighter note, my prayers have been answered... It is a gesture of kindness beyond what I had hoped for. I keep my fingers crossed that all will go well.

The weather is shit in London right now. It is cold, gloomy and raining all day. Nabei lah, I hate having to carry a stupid umbrella. What a world of difference, it was nice and sunny when I was here last month!

Hopefully, the weather will get better tomorrow because I've got stuff to do.

I attended church yesterday before I left for London. Sometimes, I feel like I am drawing further away from God and it is not something I am proud of. I did not find comfort in God's words. In fact, you can say I was not touched and I was simply indifferent. The senior pastor said something that stuck me though... it has something to do with being distracted. I am very guilty of it and then I struggle to regain my footing. The message was to stop struggling and learn to trust in Him in totality and He will do the rest.

I need to spend some time with myself once again, it will be good for me.

A bird died because of me. It was trying to kill me by smashing itself into the windscreen. It happened in a flash and if I had reacted, it could be rather disastrous. Still, I did not feel good about it, may the bird rest in peace.

TMD. Bloody irritated... MSN has been fucking up on me quite a bit on my desk top. The constant battle with frozen chat screens and the program 'not responding' thereafter is seriously eating into my patience.

But then again, I am just in a bitchy mood, period. Quite a few things have been seriously getting on my nerves lately. How shall I put this diplomatically without giving too much away? Everyone likes to win, but sometimes, people forget themselves and take it a step too far.

That is where it gets uncomfortable.

I have put my ego aside for 2 nights in a row while talking to a particular person and it made a positive difference.

I realize it is okay to show that I am not as tough as I like myself to be huh? I will stop letting the EGO do the talking for me.

14 Lines to Live By

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am
with you.

2. No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you
cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. They say love hides behind every corner, then I must be walking in circles.

5. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

6. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can't have them.

7. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.

8. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

9. Don't waste your time on a someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

10. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

11. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

12. There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

13. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try, and know someone else and expect them to know you.

14. Don't try so hard; the best things come when
you least expect them to.

"There is no love in marriage." I have heard this more than once and yesterday, I heard those words again. Such is the cynicism that has infiltrated the society today. Though, I do see the truth in it, I cannot help but feel disillusioned and sad that a happy marriage has almost become a thing of the past. It is appalling to me that in some, it has even become a 'business transaction' of sorts.

Whatever happened the sacred union of love, joy and 'happily ever after'?

Marriage is more than just being able to live with each other. My idea of marriage is being in love, bringing out the best in each other, mutual trust and understanding and most importantly, being each other's rock in life.

I know I keep mentioning the word rock, but it has nothing to do with an obsession with diamonds. It is just nice to come home to that special someone in your life, no? Sometimes, it is nice to live in that happy little bubble and not have our perceptions marred by the negativity around us.

When my time comes, I will treasure it. Take me away... where I can happy and free.

Slept like a baby last night and woke up feeling tons better. I forgot all about the fact that i was upset yesterday. Although the sleep healed me, it was barely enough to erase away the fatigue and only sufficient to get me through the rest of the day.

A very productive day it was, and I am very pleased with the results of my effort. I am going to do my best to keep this up since I have gotten my momentum up and running again. It is awesome to feel this sense of accomplishment and hopefully, I will be able to keep this up.

The hollow feeling does not go away though but at least I know I am channeling my energies towards something positive. I know one thing's for sure, I can never really depend on anyone, ever. It applies to me too, I know I cannot be depended on to be there all the time. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for ourselves, our own happiness and our well-being.

Another early and long day for me tomorrow so I am off to bed. Goodnight.

Teetering on the brink of exhaustion... It is at times like this that I really wish I have a rock I can lean on. Wouldn't it be nice if I can just let up, knowing that things will all be taken care of? I have every reason to be concerned about some nagging issues, but I am still holding up well enough for now. Guess we will only know what we are really made of when such responsibilities are thrust upon you, no?

Some people truly disgust me and I do not even want to try and comprehend their behavior. I don't fucking care and I honestly do not give fucking damn. I am fucking drained and the last fucking thing I need is attitude from a disgruntled cab driver, a huge bruise at the back of my thigh and just blatant insensitivity.

I wanted to lash out at that bloody scum but I controlled my myself because there is just no freaking point. My brother was polite and he kept his cool. Though, I must speak for the both of us, we are proud that we did not mirror that ugly behavior, I would have been ashamed of myself. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I can only depend on the Lord now. Please, please, please give me the strength, I will need it more than ever.

Ah ha! The team gal that I am very close to got activated for my flight. I'd never thought I'd say this about a Delhi flight, but I am gonna enjoy it.=)

With a little over an hour to spare, I should be getting ready now. Off I go, see ya all and lots of love.

Newsflash : Stewardess does a tumble!

Nabei lah... that unfortunate stewardess is none other than me and it happened while I was disembarking from the aircraft. We were exiting in a single file and I was following my colleague closely behind, yakking away candidly, when she abruptly stopped.

I promptly tripped over her cabin bag and I fell, not quite glamorously, on the floor. Miraculously, not a single strand of my hair from my French twist came out of place during the tumble. It was a freaking hilarious situation and everyone had a good laugh at poor ol' me. I was so tickled by it that I simply could not stop laughing! Hahahahahahha!

Wah, feel so shy man, I am so glad that it was out of the public eye. Heh;p Overall, it was an excellent flight and I had a lot of fun working. Did quite a bit of damage in Brisbane without meaning to. Oh well, whatever catches my eye, I will get it if it is within reason.

Am so tired, I am going to knock out, right about now. See ya.

Quickie entry from Brisbane. My gal friend, Annur came over to see me last night, right after I checked into the hotel. I thought she had changed her number when I tried calling her and couldn't get through! In my mind, I was kicking myself for not checking if she was using the same number, I assumed she did. I was keeping my fingers crossed that my assumption was correct. Afterall, it is almost a year ago since I was last rostered to fly to Brisbane.

When I finally got through, we couldn't hear each other over the phone! It was absolutely maddening! Thank God the text message service did not fuck up on me! I was so delighted to see her and I gave her a really big hug the moment I spotted her! Though she had to leave shortly after, I had an excellent conversation with her.

It is friends like her that realize how important it is to me to have someone to talk in depth too. There is this deep emotional need for people to be able to relate to me and understand me. It is then, that I do not feel alone. Superficial interactions are fine by me, but if I do not have sensible people to keep me anchored, I lose myself sometimes. Sure, I love having fun times and laughter, it keeps me feeling alive, but it is a poor substitute for the empty void that needs to be filled.

Something struck me, during my conversation with Annur. I know what I really need. That 'rock' in my life, someone I can share everything with, my deepest thoughts and feelings, with abandon and without being judged. I do seem to reveal a lot about myself, but that is only the tip of the iceberg, or slightly more.

Have I met such a person? I may not have the chance to find out yet. However, I do believe that everything will just click into place when the time is right. Til then, I got to have faith, be patient and stay out of trouble. Heh.

Gotta go now, I will be meeting my babe again in a few minutes. She's spending the whole day with me before I depart tonight! I love having friends like her in my life.

=)

My social calendar is so packed all of a sudden and I am starting to feel the strain. So many to fulfill, some have been postponed one time too many but all matter to me.

Then perhaps, I will have to take a hiatus soon.

"Know thyself", as quoted by Socrates, a 5th century Greek philosopher. Two simple words, yet of such profound wisdom. The path to self-discovery is an arduous, yet strangely liberating experience. However, self-awareness can be a double-edged sword. While it is the beginning of change, knowing what you do not like about yourself is at times, hard to bear.

A person's personality is made up of many complex layers, such as mine is. I have been painstakingly stripping away the layers one by one to know more about myself. I do not like what I see buried deep underneath. That side is kept buried for a good reason, but of late, it is starting to surface with alarming frequency. It is that alter ego that is a part of me and I do not like her at all...

On the whole, I would say I am quite at peace with myself, but there are also certain aspects of me that trouble me quite a bit. The lines between right and wrong are threatening to be blurred and it is a struggle to stop both sides from meshing with one another. Because I know that should I allow them to, I will have to deal with the emotional and mental chaos that will ensue. To plunge into the depths of self-loathing is not something I can just simply breeze through and be fine with it, because I know I cannot live with it.

We are all flawed and weak, although it is something that is very hard to admit. I know it is better to face it and do something about it than having to face damaging consequences. Such is life.

Getting back some semblance of the old momentum. To get started is always the hardest part, but once things are set into motion, everything else just moves along and fall into place.

Nothing much to say really, I am just tired. I have not been sleeping well and tonight I will have to fly to Frankfurt overnight with minimum rest. Ah well, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Isn't it all so very strange? Life that is. The journey that lies ahead continues to be a mystery. Sometimes, we think we have found the answers, only to realize that we do not really understand anything at all. That occasional fleeting glimspe into the unknown skews the perspective of our limited understanding. The perennial search for our role and purpose in this lifetime eludes us and confuses us even more. But yet, it forces us to re-examine our life from time to time and set things right, if it is within our power to do so.

I have been oscillating between the need to escape and to face up to the harsh reality of the real world. We always want and want more and what we get is never enough because we will be looking for that 'missing piece' that will complete that beautiful picture. Even if we do manage to find that missing element, by some miracle, it will not remain complete forever. Because everything is transient and everything changes, nothing ever remains the same.

After much pondering, I arrive at the same conclusion, again. To be happy is to keep things simple, learn to accept our flaws and live with the imperfections that mar our lives. I have also come to realize that it is not the expectations that we have of other people that disappoint us, but rather, it is the expectations that we have of ourselves that bring the biggest disappointment. Well, that is true for my case anyway. I can only conclude that the best things in life come unexpected.

Things get more complicated as we grow older, as always, the more we count our blessings and the simpler we keep our lives, the happier we will be. The free spirit in me will not be bound by society's expectations.

Lazy Sunday for me, been quite awhile... I am not doing anything but I am happy. I don't believe in forcing myself to find things to do to be happy, I can be just as contented doing nothing. Got activated to fly to Melbourne tonight, it might be good to get away, no?

What would you do? Do you hold out for something you really want, or go for what is more obvious at this moment of time? That is the question that has constantly been on my mind of late.

Do I really want to miss another boat? Or is there a reason why I have missed the others? I guess I will never really know, will I?

Perhaps, the answers will reveal itself in time.

One of the things that bring meaning into my life is the difference others have made in mine. It is all about the ties that bind, that strange affinity and the meeting of destinies that inexplicably become intertwined.

It is all about making that difference that touch the lives of others. No matter how big or small, we all have some sort of role to play. Sometimes, unknowingly, you might just be that beacon of light that shines ever so brightly in the darkness of someone else's life.

I value all the ties that I have forged over time, those that are real and those that hold true. They are blessings a thousand-fold. Even more meaningful is my relationship with God, I have never been more glad His guidance in my life. I will leave it all up to Him and I will have absolute trust in His wisdom once more.

I am off again to London, I will be back soon enough.

There is a saying that time lost, is time gone forever and that time waits for no man. It still continues to baffle me how time flashes by in the blink of an eye. It is the most valuable resource that we have at our disposal and yet, it is also something that we take for granted, thinking we have all the time in the world.

It was not too long ago that I wised up and since then, I have been on a personal mission to make every hour of my life count. By nature, I am a slacker and a procrastinator and it is somewhat unnatural for me to go all out and get things done. The realization is a blessing in more ways than one, because it gave me the push that I needed to find out what I am truly capable of. Looking back, I would never have imagined doing all that I am doing now.

Yet, there is always the flip side of the coin. In my obsessive attempts at maximizing my time, I bite off more than I can chew and I lose myself in the process. I sink into the doldrums and I withdraw from everyone. Even worse, I lose touch with God and shut him out, thinking I can do things my own way. Then, I have to fight to crawl out of the rut and force myself to re-examine life and get back some semblance of harmony.

My holiday to Perth was excellent, I don't think I have been happier than this all year. It was good to finally get away and not do anything specific. It is not so much of the place I am in nor the activities that I occupy my time with. It is really more of the company that I am with. I have been very well taken care of and it is more than I ask for. Despite this visit being longer than the usual ones, the four nights that I spent there was over sooner than I want it to be. Time really flies when you are having a good time. I am glad that I enjoyed every moment. I have so much more to say but I have to go now. I will continue when I am back in 2 hours or so.

Heading towards a downward spiral and I am not making much of an effort to snap out of this melancholy. Guilty as charged... I know better than to let myself slip into this rut, but I did anyway. My mind has been bogged down by fleeting thoughts that don't seem to take on any shape or form. The heaviness that weighs on my heart gnaws at me continually and I can feel myself succumbing to the weaknesses and insecurities that I thought I had been rid of.

I thought I have it all sorted out and that finally I know exactly what I want in life. That picture on my mental screen, as clear as the day. Suddenly, I am wrecked with self-doubts and I am just not so sure of myself anymore. I have let many things slide, my discipline, my momentum and the whole positive attitude towards life. Choosing instead, to allow myself to sink into the doldrums of passivity.

I feel like my soul is crying out and seeking once again. There is so much I want to say but I find it hard to express myself. I want to bare my heart and soul but only my eyes can truly convey what I am feeling inside. Yet, at this moment, I feel like withdrawing from the rest of the world. Sometimes, there may be many people around me, but I still feel all alone.

My closest friends fade into the background and strangers come along and make a deep impression. They come and go, just like everything else because nothing is forever, transient at most. What is life really all about? I seek once more... I really want to live my life through the eyes of a child again.

Just a quickie post before I head to bed... Will be away for a week this time round. Have been popping in and out of the country so often that I hardly feel like I am home these days. I don't really want to go but it might be good to get away.

Ah well, on a brighter note, I can use the time to catch up on the things that I have been neglecting, without the unnecessary distractions. Gotta do what I gotta do eh?

Til then, be good and I'll catch you all soon.

In hindsight, I should not have retaliated in that manner, but I did. The caustic words were the straw that broke the camel's back and I snapped. Tears were shed and the anger dissipated along with them. The recent spate of events are all too familiar and I am no longer a stranger to it. Oh well, there is nothing much to say except to fuck it and leave it.

Exhausted, I will have an early night.

Wahahaha! I cannot believe this! I am on standby tomorrow and I got activated for the exact flight I had in mind, Perth.

Cool stuff!=)

I still feel drawn, I do not know what to make of it. Should I even bother to try and find out, or go with the flow of the universe?

Maybe the answer will come to me soon. I will go get ready to go to work now.

The weather is a real bitch, it is the kinda weather that saps my energy. I am in a good mood and at peace with myself so it is still a beautiful day for me.

Well now, gotta get ready to do a Dhaka turnaround this evening. It will be an overnight flight, I hope I don't get too sleepy on board later.

Ciao!

This morning, I finally break free of the chains that have held me prisoner. It was a personal triumph over my worst nemesis, ME.

To be rid of the psychological barriers that have hindered me for so long is the best feeling of liberation ever. All those times that I have subjected myself to numerous confidence-bashing episodes has finally paid off.

I do not have a very small ego and to allow my confidence to take a beating with each failure is indeed a humbling experience. But I know I just did not want to give up. Resilience will eventually reap its sweet rewards.

Despite waking up all bleary eyed and feeling like I got dragged through a swamp, things were in my favour today... I passed my driving! Now I feel I can finally move on! Yay! Hehehehe!:)

I had a sudden whim so to do something different for a change so when one of my friends asked if I was interested to go trekking, I said yes. That was how I ended up spending my whole Sunday afternoon trekking from Bukit Panjang, through Bukit Timah Hill and finally ending up at MacRitchie.

The four of us endured slightly over 6 hours of physical punishment, carrying a heavy load and toiling under the relentless sun and making our way up and down the steep and uneven terrain of the trails.

No lah, it is not that bad really. In fact, it may very well be my new hobby in the months to come. I think I have become quite accustomed to pushing myself physically. The thing that hurt me the most from this excursion was the constant pressure of my toenails being shoved back into the cuticles. Nabei, that was bloody irritating.

I can't help but imagine what it would have been like if I had kept long acrylic toenails with a dangly nail charm or two. That will not be a good thing unless I trek with slippers or something.

Anyhow, we were ambushed by a band of monkeys when we stopped to have our lunch. They are not to be trifled with but their actions amused me. It is amazing how human-like their mannerisms are, from the way they lepak one corner, to the ball-scratching and the dry humping. It makes me wonder if they are actually apeing what they have observed or if it is part of their inborn nature. .

A senior monkey artfully nicked a packet of VitaSoy milk from us when we were not looking. He did not bother with the straw, opting instead, to rip the carton open and greedily lap up the milk.

Today was first time I saw a monkey sporting a freaking milk mustache. Man, it was corny sight to behold hehehehe!:)

I must say I have had a fulfilling day and now I am all ready to hit the sack.

Have I become numb? Yep, I do believe so...

I no longer have the comfort of tears to fall back on whenever I need some sort of emotional release. I guess I have become accustomed to dealing with upsets and fleeting disappointments in a stoic manner that is all too familiar. Perhaps, it is better to just fuck it and move on than to dwell on it and revel in the pain it in a masochistic sort of way, no?

Oh well, what can I say... talk is cheap. Dirt cheap if you ask me. Which is why most people say a lot things which they don't mean. It is the actions which I observe, and it speaks much louder than words. I give the benefit of the doubt, yes, but can you really blame me for being unmoved by mere words?

At long bloody last...

Found the solution to my blog posting woes. All I did was to download Mozilla Firefox and use it as my internet browser, problem solved. Wasted quite a bit of time, re-posting the entry that never showed up and waiting for the page to load. Damn it.

IE or MSN Explorer is not compatible with the upgraded Blogger. If anyone of you are having the same problems as me, you know what to do now.

Sleep is a luxury I don't often give myself... But on the odd occasion that I do, I end up feeling more sluggish, and my mind and body take some time to warm up and get running. I suppose I am someone who simply does not need much sleep. 6 to 7 hours daily will suffice to keep me functioning at my optimum.

That's when I am at my sharpest, most engaging and my sparkling personality, at its brightest! Wahahahaha! Just kidding maybe!;p

I have been very unkind to my body by not sleeping enough. Rest is really of paramount importance. Sure I can get away with it when I am still young, but definitely not when I am older. The sleep debtors have come knocking quite regularly. And though the ill effects have not rears its ugly head yet, it might suddenly make its presence known.

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning, (after having knocked out for a good 10 hours), was to peer out of the window. Yay! God bless the blue skies and the morning sun! Finally! A weather that is just perfect for running!

Changed into my running attire and laced up my trusty Asics trainers. Again, I had to bang my heart rate monitor to get it in working order as it keeps fucking up on me these days. Fortunately, I did not have to do the same with my Ipod Nano heh...

I usually run circles around this huge canal just beside my block when I am running on my own. There were quite a lot of people running this morning. I sprang gleefully into the momentum of the run and zoned out. I feel good and I feel like I am spending time with me. It is perhaps, my sweet escape?

Nabei lah, I am suffering from the mother of energy crashes. I have been relegated to a state where my mind feels woozy, my eyes bleary and in need for sleep and even more sleep. Just weeks ago, I was happily zipping about on 4 hours of daily fuel, maximising my productivity and getting a lot of things done. I blame it on the impending PMS. The 2 week countdown has just started.

So, I did my best for my piano exam. The 'auto-pilot' in me didn't work man. "Fuck!" I thought to myself when I froze halfway while playing the first piece. I had to ask the examiner to let me start over and he was nice enough to allow me to do so.

Ah well, it is over and done with and the results will be out a month later. I am not too concerned about the results to be honest, I just know I did my best with the little preparation that I had. I need a bigass miracle though hehe!

Liberation is what I really felt. I went ahead and did it and that is the first step. It is hard to describe the performance anxiety that seizes me when I need to do my best but I get better at dealing with it everytime.

I have had too much excitement in my life lately. Enough. Time to take a chill pill and spend some quality time with myself to recharge.

I have to end here now, my exhaustion and fever is really getting to me. But not without sharing this quote I got off an email my friend sent me:

"The happiest people in the world are not those who have no problems, but
those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect."

I took it easy, went on 'auto pilot' and I managed to play like before. If I don't freeze up tomorrow, I should be fine. It is second nature if you are not so conscious of it. It is like riding a bike, swimming or driving a car, you never really forgot.

Just like I did not forget at all, so I let the 'auto pilot' in me take over. Not very reliable though, cocks up every now and then but I will trust it and let it do its magic tomorrow. I shan't bother about it anymore and just leave it to God.

The music is in my head but my fingers feel retarded and are not responding well to my mind's instructions. Each attempt seems painful and leaves me more frustrated than ever, causing me to fumble even more. The pieces I used to be able to play so beautifully sounds awkward and harsh to my ears. Though the essence and form of the music is still present, it is nothing like what I know I am capable of.

Damn it. The perfectionist in me is horrified and I am struck cold and literally paralyzed by the fear that grips my heart in an iron fist. I am suffering from a mental music block, not quite different from that of a writer's block. And now, I am afraid to go near the instrument I love so much.

My Grade 8 piano exam's tomorrow. There I said it.

I have not taken an exam in the longest time, having skipped a couple of grades and then stopping at the most crucial period for some years. I lost interest simply because at that time, I lost interest in life itself. There was just too much going on then.

I found renewed passion in playing the piano, my skills were slightly rusty but not lost, and I decided to continue. The flair was back but I resisted going for exams because I knew I was lazy and therefore, unprepared. I did not have the discipline which only came much later.

But now I do. However, there is an intense fear of exams and failure that is much stronger than before, until it almost becomes a trauma. It is not a life and death matter, but it is enough to fuck up my confidence.

I am so fucking tempted to just bolt far away and not turn up for the exam but I must face it. I am as shaken as hell but I will summon every ounce of my courage to go for it. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great nineteenth-century philosopher and poet sums it up best with this quote:

"Do the thing you are afraid to do, and the death of fear is certain."

Bloody hell, I quiver but I will steel my nerves as I look at fear in the eye. As I swallow my pride and admit my fear to the world, I am taking a step forward and I will not go down without a fight. As I end this entry, I am already feeling much better. I know what I must do.

I woke up this morning and I simply had to go for a run to lift the heaviness in my heart. I ran myself to the ground, not quite literally, but I ran and ran. I could have gone on for much longer but I stopped after 1 hour.

During this time, I immersed myself in music and I talked to God. I think I zoned out there and then, it was as if I got spirited to a place faraway. Then I felt much better... As I always do after a run and a heartfelt prayer.

The best decisions are not always the easiest to make. Oh hell no, not at all. But it has to be done and so I did. When I look far ahead, I can see that there is no place for me in that future. Because it is not just some temporary issue that will run its course, it is going to be a long-drawn-out affair that will be neverending. I understand that and I know that time waits for no man and that, this is perhaps, the best time.

When things are too good to be true, it usually is. Time will not bring back magical moments once it has passed but I am glad I cherished it and revelled in it. I basked in the glow of happiness there and then. It may be fleeting but at least I have plenty of these wondrous moments that make me feel blessed.

So with that being said and settled, I am at peace with myself. I am not going to bury myself in the pits of misery because I have faith that I am guided to do what is right. To be too independent is not necessarily a good thing sometimes but at least it minimizes the potential shit-loading in my life.

All is good and all is well. People around me are happy and my love and goodwill goes out to them. It may not be my turn now but the best is yet to come. I thank God for each and every individual who has touched my life, brought joy and laughter and put a smile on my face. There are blessings aplenty and I know things will re-align themselves to a harmonious union once more.

Shortlived joy seems to be the keynote of my life lately. The nitty-gritty of it all is that I simply cannot seem to talk or share my happiness with people, without jinxing it. The moment I talk about it, things start to go downhill.

Should I laugh or cry at the irony? It certainly feels like the joke's on me once again, the mother of twisted pranks galore. The scenario that springs immediately to mind is being able to have almost anything my heart desires, just that I am not supposed to talk about it.

So shit gets dumped in the garden that exists in my mind. I use it as the soil to sow seeds of goodwill, positivity, optimism and harmony. But that does that mean I am rid of all that shit? Nosiree. I simply put it to good use, nutrients to sow the seeds for my own personal growth. Different shit, different day and everytime I get another load of shit, I do the same thing.

My life has been rife with one disappointment too many. I tell myself it is ok, make peace with myself and I move on. But FUCK IT alright? It is not okay anymore. I am tired of playing nice, I am god damn sick and tired of it. My patience is wearing so thin, it is hanging by gossamer threads.

I have kept my alter ego buried for too long. The spoilt, twisted, irresponsible bitch is screaming at me to let her out. She wants to scream, cry, throw things and totally lose it. She wants to demand to have things go HER way.

But no, I will not allow myself to slip back into that kind of behavior. Not if I can help it. I will rationalize and be objective but I will not be there for convenience or to 'fill in'. Yes, a colourful and interesting life I have. However, at the end of the day, I just want to keep it simple and be fulfilled.

Is that too much to ask for?

While most aspects of my life have been cruising along just fine, one leaves a lot to be desired. Destinies intertwined but an ironic twist may set them apart once again. It may very well just peter out.

I can see where it is heading and it is not favourable. I recognize what I see and I know I will not like it. Only time will tell but I will only give it that much time.

The feeling was simply out of this world!=) Again, I did not want to come back down to earth... Ironically, it was coming back down and 'kissing' the ground that thrilled me so. Because this time, I was guided to do it with my own effort.

It was an exhausting day but extremely fulfilling. My piano practice went well despite my fatigue and I managed to squeeze in a fast 30 min run tonight. I love running so much that I have been maintaining my running sessions on a regular basis.

Just me, my favourite music from my Ipod and my thoughts. The frame of time where I am at my mental peak. The rush of freedom and the feeling of weariness melting away with every step I take.

I have a long day tomorrow but I am looking forward to it. Now, I am all ready to crawl into bed.

Now that the festive celebrations for the lunar new year are almost over and done with, it is back to the grind for most of us. The Year of the Pig is MY year and yet, it is also one of the quietest ones I have ever had.

I had to pop in and out of the country as I had to do a couple of turnarounds on the eve and the 2nd day of CNY. Again, things did not start off well for me, but there was an unspoken truce yesterday and we made peace. Nothing more was said, but it will not be the last I hear of it.

So it is all good now, and it shall remain that way because I say it will. I have been very happy these days and I have had many things to smile about. Though, it is ironic how my happiness is marred with a looming shadow that lends a dark cast to the whole situation. That, I have decided to disregard and focus on something more worthwhile.

My life has always had some drama that I can do without but I am going to keep it as uncomplicated as possible. My mind will be my absolute focus. Simple, no negative thoughts are going to cloud my mind. No more doubts, fears and anything along those lines. From now on, I will only feed my mind with all the beneficial, harmonious and wonderful thoughts and place utter faith that everything will work out better than I imagine.

Off to Perth again tonight and I am looking forward to it again.

Yesterday night, it was the heaviness of my heart and a broken spirit that lulled me into a defeated slumber. The foundations of my beliefs were shaken by the seeds of doubt that were planted in the recesses of my mind by external sources.

The harsh words had had its effect. I was told that my choices are getting from bad to worse and that I cannot seem to anything right. It was literally, a stab wound to the heart. Hurt, because I am trusted enough to make the decisions that I believe would be the best for me.

Quite abruptly, I do not know what to believe in anymore. Momentarily, I was at a loss and I did not know how to go on. I started questioning if I am really sure of what I am doing. I questioned my choices and I prayed for guidance. The few conversations that I had regarding this matter set me straight and it was comforting, knowing that there are people who care and see where I am coming from.

I do want to make her happy and proud of me. I do know that she loves me and cares about me. But when will she ever understand that she must learn to let go and trust me to live my life well and accept it? I simply cannot live my life according to her expectations, because there would be regrets at not giving something a chance, which may only come once in a lifetime. So rooted is she, in her fears and ways that she only listens to what she wants to hear, and lambasting everything else.

I wish I can share my joy, happiness and vision with her… but if she does not open up her heart, she will never be able to see. It really pains me to say this, but her influence over my decisions is not ideal. My life is really mine to lead. Yet, I love and care about her too much to disregard her and give up on her. I will just have to let things work themselves out and praying about it.

I really want to live a fulfilling and enriching life, one that is not stunted by the constraints of what is deemed acceptable by people around me. How can I truly soar to greater heights if my wings are being clipped continually? I live to be inspired and I want to find out.

A friend told that I would only be a real failure if I quit on myself. It was a reminder that put me back on track. There are a few psychological barriers that I have to be rid of and no longer will I allow small setbacks to make me feel like a failure. Sometimes, you need to experience small failures to taste greater success. These words jumped out at me today when I was reading, “Change the cause and you change the effect.” I know what I must do.

Be gone, the seeds of doubt! I will not be beaten easily.

After the longest time, I finally feel quite complete. The effortless melding of mind, heart and soul has always been elusive, until recently. =)

Was awake for 27 hours, long story but anyhow, I am off to do my favourite flight to Perth tomorrow morning, I am really looking forward to it!

*SQUEAL* I really cannot believe my luck on certain things, but I am not definately not complaining!;p Happy camper's in the house!

Life captivates me with its promises and endless possiblities. It is amazing to note how the slightest shifts in circumastances can effect a change upon us. A chance encounter is all it takes to initiate a flow of events that are sometimes beyond our wildest imagination.

Dreams can be fleshed out if we hold that picture and take baby steps towards making it a reality. Whether we choose the beaten path or the road less travelled, make the most out of the journey. In this lifetime, we can never finish learning all its lessons and comprehend its mysteries.

Life is indeed beautiful if we know where to look. The years of my adulthood has been one of revelations, discovery and learning. By ridding myself of the past insecurities and fears, and also be God's grace, I feel like I am really living a life of meaning with all its glorious miracles. The quality of my existence now was once the stuff that my dreams were made of.

And now, it is my reality and I smile at the wonder of it all...=) Definately interesting and in it, an animal magnetism that is definately a force to be reckoned with heh;)

Intriguing... how I actually felt happy doing a Hong Kong turnaround today. It was hard work as usual and all the crew were moving non-stop. Despite the tiredness and all, there was no pms-y mood today. In fact, I was smiling quite a lot.

There is every reason for me to smile. Maybe, I just happen to be in a good mood today, or maybe I am just going cuckoo. Haha!

Gonna crash soon, I hope to sleep like a baby again tonight.

Need to let off some steam... It is getting almost unbearable to be at home these days. I simply cannot talk to her about anything anymore, because she only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

I have to keep holding my tongue for fear of lashing out, and it is becoming quite a feat. Especially when she keeps getting on my case and saying the most upsetting things. My heart clenches with anger and hurt when I hear those things. I question again, should I live my life according to her idea of happiness, or should I go for what I know will truly make me happy?

I have chosen and it is not even at the expense of anybody or anyone. She just does not have the faith in me to make the right decisions for myself. No longer do I feel like a sanctury at home. It is starting to resemble a cage filled with expectations that are not of my own.

All these feelings will pass, I just needed to let them out in writing, but I will deal with it. I will go play the piano now and hopefully, it will all dissipate.

What a sight it must have been... I walked both my dogs together this morning. One is black with patches of white and the other, white as snow. And they both have red leashes and harnesses.

My running attire happened to be of the same colour combination, totally unplanned though. We attracted a fair bit of attention... Well, my dogs did, not me. Anyhow, I thought the 3 of us looked quite nice together.

I slept like a baby again last night, I have been quite starved of sleep lately. I have heard that sleep debts can never be repaid though. Well, the pressure in my head is gone but the twinge of pain in my lower back still remains. Mood is quite borderline as well. Nabei lah.

The control I have over my temper these days is quite remarkable. I hate it when people harp over the smallest of things and thus, I was very annoyed today. Coupled with my current moodiness, not good at all. The issue could have escalated into a shouting match and a cold war thereafter. I backed off and the tension diffused after awhile. Self-control makes all the difference... sometimes the damage can be irreversible and then it would be too late for regrets.

A thought struck me again recently... sometimes I would visualize things. Doing the things I love, where I see myself in the future and the kind of person I will become. It is nothing more then flashes of pictures, like those in a slideshow. I would freeze certain images in my mind a little longer and then drift off to sleep.

At this point of time in my life, the images have become a reality now... That, or dreams that are in the process of coming true. Be careful what you feed your mind, a belief can be so strong that it supercedes all circumstances that get in your way by mentally banishing them.

Gotta go now, lots to get done.

I made full use of 2 of my off days, which have been particularly fulfilling. I was like clockwork today, getting good at this time management thingie. However, to say that I feel like shit is an understatement. My head feels like it is being compressed in a pressure cooker the whole day and I wince whenever I have to bend or twist my body because of the sharp pain in my lower back.

Also, I am experiencing the kind of exhaustion that plagues me just before that time of the month. Not to mention, some other symptoms I have to suffer from just prior to the cycle. 2 whole weeks of discomfort and occasional moodiness.

The feeling of being run over by a steamroller is making me want to just crash and bury myself under the blanket but I just had to gripe. I have nothing clever to say tonight though. Oh well, will go and do my other stuff and help my mom fill up 100 over lucky draw coupons. And that is just half of it. My forearm is in spasms just thinking about it...

Oh my God. I am seriously gonna have fun. NOT! Goodnight!

It is really the littlest thoughtful gestures from people that put a smile on my face and set the tone for the day. A phonecall from one of my best friends last night ended my evening on a cheerful and happy note, just before I went to bed.

We take a lot of things and people for granted, which is why I want to cherish every little thing that I have. From the moments that I smile to myself, happy memories, thoughtful gestures, meaningful conversations, great company to love from all sources. Maybe when I become aware of all these, I start holding it them very close to me.

When I attended church today, there was a little Indian girl who was staring at me during the service. She did not seem wary or weary, but rather, she was openly curious. Then it struck me that I, someone who is not crazy over children, are actually drawn to them. Drawn to their innocence, curiosity and even beliefs. Untainted by society and their world painted in all sorts of pretty colours.

I came home to see both of my dogs greeting me at the door, tails wagging with identical doggy grins. Again I was struck by their open, trusting eyes full of love. As I hugged and petted them, it suddenly occured to me that the happiest people are those who openly love and give without expectations and are without cynism that taints many of our hearts.

All around me, I am surrounded by people playing games of all sorts, making empty promises and being all negative and cynical. It is really a test of my patience when I get taken for granted sometimes. But yet, I have learnt to put up with it because I do not want to have any expections from them and be unhappy when promises are not kept. I find that just breezing past and casting aside grudges make me a happier and more accepting person.

It pains me most when it is the people closest to me that are negative and cynical. I absolutely detest it, I really do but I will not allow it to drag me down. I cannot just shut them off because I care so I can only pray that they start making things better for themselves. Tempting as it is to just cast them aside, I will not, and I will just go about my business until they sort themselves out.

The sermon today was about the power of a prayer. The gist of it is that we do not have, because we do not have enough faith to ask for it. I got an answer to one of my prayers at this service... By not asking and by not opening myself up, I might miss out on a whole plethora of unexpected, delightful surprises. I will trust him with all my heart and know that He will put everything together for me because he knows what is best. Whatever it is, I am confident I can handle it, with His guidance.

God is infinite and there is no way we can ever comprehand his intentions and his plans. But then again, when we do not even comprehend ourselves, we can only look to a high power for guidance, no?

I woke up feeling like I have been dragged through the mud because of a bad throat inflammation. I went to the doctor, got some medication but I will still go to work. It is amazing that I managed to sing the songs of praise. When we were all done singing, the soreness was miraculously gone hahaha!

Managed to get some practice done on the piano before leaving for Christchurch. I will get my rest there and catch up on some reading. Now, a short run before I leave for work this evening... Ta!

Just when I thought life cannot get more interesting than it already is... it did.
Everything all seems to come at once and the sudden load of events have been rather astounding.

Promising things come when they are least expected, don't they? More than I bargained for definately, but not in a bad way... Then again, things that seem promising can turn out to be nothing more than huge disappointments, which I am certainly no stranger to. No longer, will I fear an undesired outcome, I will just wait and see what happens.

I am loving the breezy manner that I have seemed to adopt these days. When things get a tad overwhelming, it makes it all easier. Choices... we make not always make the right ones, but it is better than having none.

I will go ponder on that before I sleep tonight.

Well, it is the usual drone of a disciplined, but mundane lifestyle. At the moment, my life revolves around the same few things and people. Still, it is a lifestyle that brings a great amount of satisfaction. It is an accomplishment, overcoming the lackadaisical nature that is now a thing of the past. I hope, heh heh.

Practising the piano with very fine paper cuts on my finger tips causes quite a bit of discomfort but I have to keep going, because I want to. I have not been writing much lately... Guess I am at the stage of my life where things are balanced and sailing along smoothly. So that leaves me nothing much to talk about.

When one does not take things to heart, one leads a much happier and carefree life. No longer will I allow the burden of unresolved grudges take weight. Life is good and life is beautiful. It would be perfect if this lasts, no?

=)

Just me and my Ipod... It is good to finally have some time to myself although I really appreciate good company. I had a great run to kickstart a wonderful day, with my favourite music playing in my ears and at the same time, doing some mental 'work' as I ran.

If I may say so, it is bliss to be enjoying 3 of my favourite things to do, all in that short span of time I allocated myself before I report for work.

The last few days have been really crazy but highly fulfilling. It is a personal satisfaction which comes at a price though, a total burnout or meltdown or whatever you want to call it. But, I finally slept like a baby last night.=) Getting enough sleep is something I should learn to inculcate into my life.

Still, I don't think I will have it any other way. Discipline seems to be the theme of my life lately and it comes in short spurts at a time. I will make full use of it coz as good as it feels to get things done and shit, I am still a slacker and dreamer at heart, so I will remember to take it easy and stop to smell the roses along the way.

Life in balance is great. Will practise a bit of piano before I leave for Hong Kong in the afternoon.

Blessings come in many forms, and it is great comfort to know that sincere and nice people still exist in this world. The weather stayed pleasant enough to do what I set out to do today and only rained when it is over and done with. What luck!

Completely and utterly exhausted... sends my mind into a hyper overdrive. Hope the fatigue that has finally taken its toll will knock me out cold. Please let me sleep well tonight.

What a fulfilling day it was! I did all that I needed and wanted to do and I'm as pleased as punch. Discipline was never my forte and despite being the haphazard person I am, I managed my time well enough to cope. It is simply quite an achievement for me!

Unfortunately, it does not give me much time to blog. I gotta prioritize and some things will just have to wait.

No words for tonight, I will let the occasional pictures do the talking for now...=)