Friday, October 31, 2008

Some aspects of my life have gone downhill ever since I arrived in this place. The fault probably lies in me and I guess I could have tried harder, but I didn't. There are so many things on my mind right this moment. The words that are spoken have lost its meaning and they don't change a thing.
I really appreciate my dual sorties now and never to take things for granted. After doing a few solos, there is a respectful fear of the sky. There is a reason for everything that I was taught and now it becomes very clear to me. I really love doing what I am doing now but it can be unforgiving. I can only pray for the Lord to grant me wisdom when I am out there alone and be ready to handle anything and be safe.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I had a scare today but I did my best to handle the situation. It was one of those moments which required me to make a snap decision with whatever limited experience that I have. The current ATIS was deceptively mild compared to what I am seeing outside, but since there was a rare window of opportunity for me again, I went ahead.

I have never experienced such strong winds before, not even on my duals, but since it was more of a headwind, it would not present that much of a problem. Judging by the way the trees were swaying sideways, it was a full 18kts of headwind, definitely not funny. I did my checks methodically, taking care not to miss out on any item and making sure all my instruments were working properly. Everything was in order so I made the necessary radio calls and took off for circuits. The first circuit was uneventful and I took off again for a second one.

The upwind leg was really turbulent and I had to use extra effort to keep things under control, also, I had to keep my eye on the traffic in front of me. I spaced myself out on downwind and slowed myself down by deploying the 1st stage of flaps and throttling back a little. All was fine and I managed to maintain enough separation for a touch and go.

The conditions were challenging and it was all good until the end of the downwind leg. After deploying the 2nd stage of flaps, the voltage warning light suddenly illuminated. My immediate reaction was to add more power, the light should go off when I did that, but it didn’t. I added more power but the warning did not go away and I realized I had nearly exceeded the flap extension speed. To add to the drama, there was now a very strong tailwind on the downwind leg so I was blown ahead faster than usual and had to take away power. I turned for base a tad late to separate myself from the traffic which was slower than me. It was not enough,

At finals, I was still very high and the traffic in front of me was still very near me. In such cases, a go around is the right thing to do, but it was not wise given the current situation. I requested to land immediately, citing the problem and the control tower gave me priority clearance to land and made the traffic in front of me, go around instead.

The voltage warning light was illuminated all the way until shutdown and I reported the defect. All throughout, I kept asking myself if I did the right thing and after talking to a few instructors and fellow cadets, I arrived at a decision. I think for a beginner like me, I handled it pretty well. Thank God for that.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Today was the most fulfilling day for me ever since I arrived in Jandakot. All that patience and hard work to prove myself finally bore fruit. In the midst of my struggles, I have been very blessed in more ways that I can count, for which I am very grateful for. Even my luck has begun to improve and I managed to complete my first full solo sortie in a small window of decent weather.

My low crosswind rating will be my biggest handicap for now but things certainly look brighter and all set to accelerate. More challenges await me, but I will take them as opportunities to improve myself.

I am ever so excited to take them on and I now, I really feel alive.

=)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

In a comtemplative mood yet again, though there is so much going on in my mind that it is hard to type it out in words. There are things to be unhappy about but I am really trying to make the most out of the situation. It is not so much about allowing myself to revel in negativity, but facts are facts and it cannot be ignored. The only thing I can do is to shift my focus to more positive things and ride the wave. There is nothing much that I want to say, but I would like to share a passage that encouraged me.

Don’t Quit

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.” Hebrews 10:36-37 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer or the miracle hasn’t come – yet – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer or that he’s forgotten you or that he doesn’t care about you. It simply means “not yet!”

Spiritual maturity is knowing the difference between “no” and “not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay” (Hebrews 10:37 NIV).

The delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once. And, anybody can be patient twice. And, just about anybody can be patient three times. So God tests you patience over and over and over.

Why? To see how patient you are?

No, he does it to show you how patient you are. So you’ll know what’s inside of you, and you’ll be able to know your level of commitment. God tests you so that you can know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.

If you’re discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

You may be going through difficult times right now and feel like dropping off the planet. You’re discouraged because the situation you face seems unmanageable, unreasonable, or unfair.

It may seem unbearable and inside you’re basically saying, “God, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore!”

But you can.

You can stay with it longer because God is with you. He’ll enable you to press on. Remember, you are never a failure until you quit.

Don’t quit. Resist discouragement and finish the race God has set before you.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Same shit, had to wait almost a week for the next sortie. However my patience paid off and I cleared my 2nd solo today. I must say that I am getting better at keeping my cool when I am scolded and just did what I had to do. Looking forward to have things moving quickly once I get my crosswind rating next week.

Monday, October 13, 2008

 
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I like this duck. When I saw this particular bird at the Perth Zoo, it was soaking up the afternoon sun, a picture or pure contentment. I was immediately struck by its unruffled demeanour and managed to creep up close enough to take this shot.

The idiom, sitting duck comes to mind. It is an apt depiction of the vulnerable situation that I am in. I will remain in this precarious position until this training stint is complete. Until then, I am almost defenseless. I can only paint that picture of faith and hold onto it with all my might.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A timely call this morning quelled whatever worries that I had. I am back on track!
Spent the whole day mulling over the sortie and thinking of ways I can improve my performance on the subsequent circuits that I will be doing. I have come a long way, having corrected a fair amount of mistakes and maintaining consistency, however it can always be better. Now that I have gotten the circuit up to standard, my next big challenge is to conquer the crosswinds.

The one thing that sometimes fuck up circuit sortie is a strong crosswind. At this stage, I am still not that good at handling it but I must not let it get the better of me. I have begun to do some things instinctively without realizing it, which is why I was surprised to learn I actually have a crosswind technique. However, in order to execute it well, I need to understand how it is done. After talking to fellow cadets and instructors, I think I have a pretty good idea about it now, all I need to do is to apply it. Who knows, I may just be one of the few who get a M15 rating.

Now that is a pleasant thought to behold, but as for now, I must steadily learn and continue to improve.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

The claps and cheers reverberated throughout the dining hall as I rang the solo bell for the very first time. This defining moment is one which I have waited a very long time for and I will forever remember this day. Although it is not the first time I have gone solo, the difficult circumstances that I had to go through this time round, made this experience especially sweet.

I could hardly contain my excitement as I made the ready call at the holding point. For the first time since I set foot on Jandakot soil, I was on my own. I kept my focus steady as I calmly took off. As my survival instincts kicked in, my sense of awareness increased. In comparison to my very first solo experience, this is a slightly different ball game. I had to be a lot more disciplined to stay on of the situation at all times. Thankfully, I did not have to deal with any additional drama except that I rolled onto finals a tad to high and had to make quick but deliberate corrections. All these small changes were necessary to make a stable approach. At the same time, I kept the finals work cycle going, and once I am certain I was going to make it, I throttled the power back a fraction. As I rounded out over the threshold, I idled the power and arrested the sink by doing a straight and level while simultaneously pulling gentle back pressure and keeping the nose straight. The stall warning horn sounded just before I felt a gentle thud.

The entire experience was out of this world and I could not stop smiling as I shook the hands that were extended to congratulate me. It is only when we do not achieve something easily that we can truly appreciate and savour the moment. Needless to say, the mixed emotions kept me up half the night.

This is the first hurdle and there are more to come so slacking up is not an option. I can only hope that I get better and better and continue to persevere because it does pay off. I am only defeated if I give up so I must develop the right attitude and hang on by the teeth if I have to. The actual work has to begin from within, only then can it manifest itself in my performance.

Friday, October 03, 2008

The unease would not go away and I felt my heart slowly being poisoned by my own thoughts. I ended up being my own saboteur and everyday, I was aware of just how bad I was feeling. My soul was constantly restless and would not be still. Thus, I sought the Lord for answers.

I was led to read The Epistle of James in the bible. Though I read it through, the words of wisdom did not take root and again, I let down my guard and allowed myself to be consumed by negativity. Again, the Book of James came up in one of my conversations with a fellow cadet. He suddenly remembered he had a collection of sermons on audio CD by Pastor Benny Ho. It was a 13 part about growing in spiritual maturity, based on that very same book. The answers were revealed to me and I have consolidated the words of the pastor that really struck me.

Most of us are immature spiritually and we will never really know God and have the character of Christ until we have been tested. Thus, we have to persevere in trials and hold on to his promises. When have been tested, we will come forth as gold and the only things that burn away are the things that bind us. Those who persevere in trials are the ones who are blessed.

I have also realized why I seem to have lost inner peace. The problem lies in my heart, which was not discerning enough, and that whatever I received from God was with a bias. If the heart is not pure, it will colour the way we interpret things. Wisdom gets corrupted and unspiritual as such. Because my heart was tainted, the wisdom that was operating in me was distorted as well.

Again on the topic of wisdom, it is said that he who walks with the wise, grows wise. I find this to be very true because I often find a spiritual affinity with people who have a certain wisdom that can only be given to them by God. he wise. He who walks with the wise, grows wise.

It is also very important to contemplate within ourselves because reflection, combined with careful observation, equals wisdom. So in order for us to walk in harmony and coherence, our hearts must be healed first of all.

Everything starts with a dream and persistance and we must be able to perceive what is at the end for it to become reality. We are never defeated until we give up on ourselves. In our hearts, we plan our course it is God who determines our step. If our plans flow in line with God's purpose, only then it will prevail. So I say this again, commit to the Lord in whatever we do and then our plans will succeed.

Commit I did, truly, as this time round I prayed for my heart to be pure again. I felt that all familiar sense of peace again and it was as if my whole world brightened up with hope once more. The weather finally became favourable after keeping me on the ground for the past 9 days. My newfound optimism and faith shone through in my performance today and I made a drastic improvement.

May my faith continue to see me through.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

When will this ever end? We have already done the presentations as part of our 'sentence', but yet I am told we will have to present it again to another group of audience. My understanding is that we do it once and we are off the hook, but apparently that is not the case. What the fuck? We do it well, we have to do it again so that others can 'benefit' from it. Do a bad one, we have to re-do it because it is not satisfactory. From the looks of it, getting it over and done with does not apply here, because someone does not want it to be over.

The paradise I thought I would find here is slowly turning into hell. How can I trust twisted words with double meaning? I feel that we are being played and it is a game that we cannot win because truth is, we are at the mercy of this organization, the environment and the weather.

Everyday, I spend most of my time in the confines of my room staring at my computer screen, just waiting and fighting hard to keep my spirits up. At this moment, I cannot find any fulfillment in whatever I am doing but I hope it is only a matter of time. I cannot even turn to my closest friends because they are busy leading their own lives. Besides, I do not want to put a dampener on their moods, talking about things they won't be able to fully understand.

The stolen moments are not good enough. So near, yet so distant. I don't get to spend quality time with Viv freely anymore and yet, I do not have the freedom of doing whatever I please because of obvious considerations.

I feel sick in the stomach.