Monday, December 27, 2010

I was looking forward to Christmas this year but alas, it was troubling to say the least. It was indeed a memorable one, but not in a good sense. Instead, the memories of this Christmas and the one nearly a decade ago, leaves me cold and detached.

There were a few saving graces which I am thankful for, but the heaviness in my heart continue to weigh on me.

Career-wise, things are progressing nicely and I have no more need for a safety pilot, but yet, I have to drag my ass to work sometimes because of my worries outside of work. Though my darling has been by my side all this while and I have friends I can talk to, I have never felt more alone and helpless.

I wish I had the power to change things, but sadly, it is entirely out of my hands.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I could have been very upset today, but my heart was prepared and I was calm and I did not waver.

Then I understood... what I chose to see would make all the difference, so I made my choice and listened to God.

I am glad I did.
These 2 weeks have never felt longer and this is the first time I am ever looking forward to a Monday.

I hope and pray that today, everything will be ok.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

10 weeks and the wait was finally over. It was a slight scramble to get prepared as we barely had 2 days of notice in advance.

Yet another sleepless night plagued me and I was kept awake by restless thoughts. When I could finally fall asleep, I was dogged by a nightmare where I had to report for duty but certain items of my uniform had gone missing I was in panic mode. I woke up barely 2 hours later, drained, and more tired than when I had gone to bed.

I arrived at the airport early and when the rest of my guys had turned up, we had a quick briefing on what is to be expected out of today's training exercise. One of us had to fly out of Changi to Senai and one of us had to fly back. I had this feeling I would have to go first and we drew lots, true enough, I was number 1. A shiver of excitement ran down my spine.

There was no time to waste, everything was done quickly and methodically. Once everything done, I got clearance to start the engines. The sound of the engines spooling to life was music to my ears and when we cleared the ground crew to disconnect, I eased her gently onto the taxiway, careful not to be too jerky when steering.

We got the clearance for takeoff after a 15 minute delay, I lined up and advanced the thrust levers smoothly forward and we were off! The rush of speed and power was exhilarating! At the call to rotate, I pitched up the nose up to 15 degrees and flew the flight directors and I flew manually for the next 1 hour and 20 minutes without engaging the autopilot. It was a dream to fly.

I did an ILS approach on the way in and patches of broken cloud obscured my view, I was cleared for visual circuits at 1500ft. My rate of descent on finals was constant until about 50ft and it started to shallow when I was correcting for the centreline. I touched down and took off again, did 2 more circuits and 1 missed approach. I was happy with my performance and my landings today, which was a great relief. I changed seats with the next guy on downwind, I had completed the exercise. The other 3 guys took turns to do the same exercise and the last guy flew back to Changi and landed.

We all made it and we now put in the paperwork for the endorsement on our licenses. The happiness I felt today made me forget my pain and sadness over the past 1.5 weeks, though bittersweet. The first person I had wanted to call to share the good news is him but that will have to wait until things are resolved.

But for tonight, I think I will finally have a good night's rest.

:)

Monday, November 08, 2010

A troubled night's sleep culminated in an emotion-filled morning filled with despair, then an unexpected ray of hope pierced the gloom. Feelings of hope and fear are intertwined, but I will just have to find out soon enough. I have my own answers but I can only continue to pray about this.

Perhaps, God is putting me through this period of uncertainty and tribulation to draw me closer to Him and prepare me for something bigger.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Yesterday, realization struck me and I know what I must do. I pray with my all my heart that my words will get through.

Friday, November 05, 2010

The mornings, when I wake up, are the worst, so much so that I dread the moment I rouse from slumber. My energy has ebbed away to near nothingness and I am listless. I cannot remember when was the last time I felt this weak and I realized, that I am not as tough and strong as I thought I was.

The questions that were pounding my mind continue to haunt me and all I want to do is to pick up my phone and resolve everything and put an end to my torment, but it will only serve to destroy what little hope that is left.

It is ironic that the traits that have gotten me through in life, have turned out to be a double-edged sword and a fatal flaw, even when I really give it my best and have never taken anything for granted. Why?

Perhaps, for the first time in my life, my capacity to give and my feelings know no bounds and now, I understand the true meaning of the word unconditional.

The little girl in me weeps.
Today, my dear brother forwarded me a text message which gave me great comfort.
"The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying precious seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them" Psalm 126:3-6

With God, our sorrows are neither wasted nor worthless. Instead, our sorrows, in the Lord, are made productive and precious, for God cherishes deeply the seeds of sorrow we sow, and He rewards us richly with a harvest of joy. It is a worthy endeavour to learn how to sorrow, not as the world sorrows, but to sorrow in the Lord, because in God's economy, sorrow becomes, by His miracle of grace, the price we pay for joy.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Hanging by a thread, one as fine as the silver strands of a spider's web. The balance is delicate and the fragments that remain will only shatter into dust and be lost forever if I give it the wrong push.

Sometimes, when I feel like I can no longer bear it anymore, I have to will every fiber of my being to just remain still. For someone who likes to nip things in the bud, it is hell for me just to let it be, especially when the status of things remains murky at best.

I have done a lot of thinking and self-reflection and I have found my own answers, I know what I want and what needs to be done, then I will find my own closure when the time comes.

It does not seem to be final and though it is a torture to be left hanging, I will maintain a dignified silence. I do not know when and I do not know how long, but one day, it shall all come to pass.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I am afraid of waking up after I fall asleep because whatever I feel is compounded a thousand-fold. I am but a shadow and my spirit is faint, but restless. There seems to be little respite in what I used to find solace in.
Dear God

Thank you for allowing me rest in your spirit and providing me with a reprieve from the weariness, for I am not as strong as I thought I was.I do not question your intentions, nor do I resent. All that is left is a gaping void that is filled with sadness.

I know that in time to come, you will mend my broken spirit and release me from the pain. Come what may, I trust that you know what is best, so let your will be done. With each painful lesson, I know that something good will come out of it. Lord, I place my faith in your wisdom. Please grant me the courage to brave this storm.

Although I am hurting in yet another dark moment of my life, I know that in the end, everything will be ok. If it is not ok, it is not the end. In Jesus's mighty name I humbly pray.

Amen.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Steeling myself as my world crashes around me. Yes, I am broken and lost but trudge on I must, a lonely march, seeking answers to my questions... wondering if I did the right thing. I have got to accept the outcome. I have already started to.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Note to self, I must not forget, and be grateful for my opportunity and whatever I have. I have to will myself not to be sucked into the collective chorus of negativity and learn to detach myself.

Sometimes, I catch myself changing in subtle ways. When I spend quiet moments in self-reflection, I have come to realize that I am starting to adopt the character traits that used to turn me off. It is not to the extent where I have become insufferable but if I do not keep myself in check, I might just lose myself in a narcissism spiral. I must rest in the Lord and remain humble and grounded.

I am in a good place because God is always watching out for me. I must not forget.

Friday, August 27, 2010

It is all good, cleared the base check and skills test without much drama. It is one hurdle out of the way but it is only the beginning. I am extremely thankful to everyone who has been by my side. It is now time to move forward.

=)

Monday, August 16, 2010

I thought the exams were the toughest part of the training, but I was wrong. I am progressively pushed to my limits as each session demands more of me. I press on with dogged determination and I will not concede to my mental fatigue, nor to my instructor's constant pressure.

One must go through the trials of fire in order to turn into gold. In this case, there is no exception. I lean on God for the strength and wisdom for my will alone is not enough.

I am managing but I strive to go beyond. 3 consecutive days of training with barely 12 hours between sessions... I will and I must get through this.

All throughout, my heart has been restless and slightly troubled. While it has not made me lose focus, I just do not feel right. A lot remains to be seen but at this point, I am not even sure what to expect.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I happened to chance upon a couple of blogs written by cabin crew of the airline I used to work for... and spent the next one hour reading quite a few entries.

I found myself spending a little more time reading the blog of a stewardess who joined the same year I left the airline. Her entries struck a chord with me and I was reminded of myself when I worked as a stewardess for 4 years. I could relate to her thoughts and feelings and in hindsight, though it had been an interesting experience, I really do not miss the identity and the job at all. However, I am still thankful for the opportunity and how it changed me as a person.

What we choose to do for a living can really impact our personal lives and in many cases, our jobs become an occupational hazard. I was reminded of the private pain and struggles that I used to have and I hope, with all my heart, that I would be spared from all of that now.

I am just glad I will get to come home everyday, albeit at odd hours. It is not going to be easy to balance my work and personal life but I am going to try my very best.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Something as simple as adjusting the armrest and making sure my forearm is resting securely on it during the flare makes a world of difference. I must make sure I get what I want when I am in control and whatever I changed gave me the result that I wanted.

I am happy with the progress and I must continue to keep this up. Today, I sat for the final type exam with the aviation authority. It was much easier compared to the JAA type and performance exams I sat for, but nevertheless, I am glad I am finally done with all of them.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I knew that when I chose to step into this industry, I will have to prove myself over and over and over again. Today was no exception.

Yes, I do concur that I need to improve on one area but I have made progress since the first session, that was acknowledged during the feedback I got. However, it can always be better. I took the criticisms positively and told the person concerned that I will show him, because I know I can. So I had better damn well do it.

The fighting spirit has been unleashed and I will rise up to the challenge. I will conquer that bitch, sans autopilot, if it is the last thing I do. Steely determination, it is good to have you back.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I have just completed the last day of my ground school, having survived 2 progress tests in the space of 2 weeks. Then, it is another round of slogging for the technical type and performance exams next week, and a final exam with the aviation authority mid August.

Training-wise, it is all good so far and I have already started on the simulator sessions. I cannot wait to get the exams out of the way as the studying is interfering with my preparations for the sims. I barely have the time and the mental capacity to consolidate whatever I have learnt since it is quite full on. I am knackered after every session as there is just so much information to process and the mind is constantly working on overdrive to keep ahead of the aircraft.

My first paycheck from the company came in last week and it made me smile for it signals a big change in my life. For once in a very long time, I am finally experiencing financial freedom and it feels good. Despite my recent pain and all the struggles I have gone through to get here, I know God has blessed me in many ways and I am extremely grateful. In the end, it will all be ok, if it is not ok, it is not the end.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I welcome the short break, even if it is only for 2 days. The days off afford me the time I need to catch up with reading the FCOMs (which I am a little behind), and to study for the progress test tomorrow.

My brain is saturated and I am not sure just how much I have managed to retain. I do have a pretty good understanding of the systems in general, but not enough for me to be comfortable. The test is no walk in the park.

Still, I am not as bewildered as I have imagined I would be. I have managed to keep pace and hold my own so far, only because I am working as hard as anyone else and that I actually love what I am doing now. That makes the difference.

It is back to the books now. Another intense week ahead.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Tomorrow marks the start of a gruelling 6 weeks of training. Though I have been counting down to this day, I am filled with a certain sense of apprehension as I know that I will now be contending with a new set of challenges. My life will change but I will do my best to make sure all my priorities still remain the same. Though I will be working hard at all the odd hours, I know that this is a job I will be happy doing for the rest of my working life.

I am extremely thankful for this opportunity and I am glad to be able to share it with my family, the love of my life and all the people who matter. From hereon, all my efforts will be focused on being good at what I do and channeling this renewed sense of purpose to work towards a better future.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The wait is finally over. Yesterday, I signed the contract to the job of my dreams and I know that from now on, my life will change. God's plan is indeed perfect and I really cannot ask for more.

It was all worth it.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Glad that I did not have to lose something to make me realize what I have.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Karyn White -- Superwoman HD version



This song speaks to me in a way that I can relate,(maybe not the part about preparing breakfast and dinner), but yeah the lyrics of the song pretty much sums it all up.

The question I always ask myself these days is, do I or do I not open that can of worms? Should I speak up or forever hold my peace?

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Today, I looked out of my window and marvelled at the expanse of the sky, promising me the freedom I desire. I know I will get there.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

The sermon on this Easter Sunday was a powerful one and it did more than reaffirm the peace in my heart, it changed my entire perspective.

How does a caterpillar cross a river? The answer? To become a butterfly. In that instant, a spiritual metamorphosis took place and I understood.

If I can see all around, then there is meaning to this journey. I know how I want things to be, so the change must come from within. In the end, it will be ok. If it is not ok, it is not the end.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

A dawning of a new epiphany. The circumstances may not be all that pretty right now, but I will no longer let them have power over me and allow the negativity of my mind manifest even more in my life. I am done. I am not one who stays down for long anyway. As I write this entry, things are already beginning to look up.

With regards to a certain aspect of my life, i have decided to do things differently when it gets back to normal. I just know I will not put myself through this anymore. Call it silent manipulation. Sometimes, saying less is more.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

What I need right now is the single glow of a candle in the darkest of rooms. Yet another part of me died tonight.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

At times, I feel I can see the life I want laid out in front of me, yet when I look again, it is fraught with uncertainty. The only thing constant is change and if that is the case, I can only hope the change will free me of the limbo that has kept me prisoner. It has been too long.

Though it ain't a bed of roses right now, I have been blessed in many other ways, blessings which I am thankful for. It is only a matter of time before I take another important step in my life, in that aspect, it has been a pleasant surprise and I really cannot ask for more.

I really hope there is more to life, I have too many questions... I want to see, I want to understand. Above all, I want to find that deeper purpose of my existence. Can I make sense of it all?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Nothing like a letter to express one's innermost thoughts and feelings, things that are often hard to say out loud. The power of the written word is definitely not to be underestimated, because it can set everything right.

Having said that, I am at peace and I will focus on what is important to me now and set the stage for everything that is about to fall into place. My daily conversations with God has restored my innate faith in His perfect plan and perfect timing.

As all the events start to unfold, slowly but surely, I am beginning to see.

Monday, March 15, 2010

He is starting to make things right again, my prayers have been heard. :)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I do not want to be human because I do not want to feel anymore. The chest pain I have been feeling the whole of yesterday and today is not going away, am I going to suffer from a heart attack soon?

I have to brace myself for whatever is to come, God, please give me the strength and the wisdom to know the difference.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

How we do or say certain things can bring about different outcomes. Overwhelmed with disappointment, I don't think I can do this anymore...
The pain has subsided into a dull ache and although things are back to some semblance of normalcy, something in me has changed. Nothing is absolute, everything changes and will continue to change. I just have to be tough enough to take it in my stride.

The feelings are still the same but I will no longer allow myself to be vulnerable. What will be the straw that break the camel's back, or will it get better from hereon? Does it all have to be a game?

I do not know what I can believe in anymore, but the only one I believe in is the Lord above.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Why is it that nearly everything I believe so strongly in, end up shattering my spirit? My heart is burdened and weary and the pain engulfs me. If only I could stop feeling.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Mistakes we all make. Though I have made some questionable choices in the past, I have certainly learnt a few lessons from them and have moved on. Some stigmas, however, are quite hard to shake off and I have been the subject of ridicule and unkind comments because of them. Whatever la, I hardly bat an eyelid because other than being slightly irritated, they never did affect me anyway. People can say all they want but after awhile they will just get tired and find something else to talk about.

As far as I am concerned, once I move on, I bury the past. Pretty cold, yes, but I am not one to look back with sentimental fondness. Besides, I got it right this time.

Yesterday, something pissed me off big time and I am exasperated but only because I care. Months of persuasion has led my brother and I back to square one and we are getting worried. This is one mistake I don't think I will be able to live with, not pushing harder and doing something earlier when we can. Every approach and angle has been met with great resistence. I pray for a way to get through that stubborn wall.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lazy, sweltering afternoons such as today make one's eyelids grow heavy with sleep. The service at church today was good and I was reminded once again, of all the things that I must be thankful for.

There are many things that I am starting to understand and that serves to quell the disquiet in my heart and mind. It is all about perfect timing and I am waiting for the perfect moment where my life will change.

Thank you for loving me.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Are expectations a necessary evil? Perhaps, I had better start getting used to not having any and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Not too long ago, I would often wonder what it was like to experience true, lasting happiness, if ever. I wondered for many years, having swallowed one bitter pill too many. Disappointment would often come in the form of hope, and when the disguise comes off to reveal the true ugliness of the situation, I would pick myself up with a heavy heart and soldier on.

I had this knack of attracting unwanted drama into my life, when all I yearned for was the simplicity which eluded me. It came to a point where I was almost afraid to be happy because the blow that comes after could be best described as crushing. Then, I was numb.

Looking back, the disappointments were a blessing because if I had gotten my way, I would only be making do or worse, putting up with something that is so obviously going to make me unhappy. Knowing what I wanted was half the battle won as I was not afraid to say 'fuck it', and move on. Whatever I do not get now only means I am meant to have something better, so I learnt to hold out for what I really want.

24th of August, 2009 was the beginning of a wonderful chapter in my life and though there quite a fair bit of tears and challenges, I now wonder if it is possible to be this happy. It is even better than what I had hoped for and I am glad I held out for one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Then I understood. There is something else I am holding out for and when it finally comes, I know I will experience true, lasting happinesss.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Foolish pride. I would be a fool if I did not swallow mine, but I did. I had to make a choice... do I want to play it cool and maintain a tortured silence? Or do I spare myself the agony and give in?

Holding on to my pride will do nothing to alleviate the situation so I decided on the latter.

It set things right and I was reminded that I had the power to change the outcome. Though it was not about winning or losing, we have both won by a very long shot.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

It was the perfect R&R vacation but our sweet escape ended a little too soon. The quality time spent together was priceless and I enjoyed every single moment that I am with him. Though we did not take any pictures, all the wonderful times we had have been captured in mental snapshots for my private viewing.

The natural camaraderie that we have always had, made everything so fun and lighthearted, so much so that I literally left all my cares behind. I think the two of us ate and drank too much but heck, a holiday is when we get to break some rules. The couple of days which we spent at the beach revived a look which I used to sport, a glowing tan. The only problem is, when we walk along the seedy joints teeming with activity at night, I can easily pass off for any one of the girls who are about to becme someone's local conquest. Heh.

So it is back to the real world now and I am already missing the good times, but I am certain this trip won't be the last. Gotta love life's simple pleasures!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What joy! My darling is getting his big break and I am so happy and excited for him! Everything is looking up and it looks set to get even better.

I am so looking forward to tomorrow!:)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Can I overcome the odds when the time comes? At the moment it is so overwhelming that it is mind-boggling just to think about it. Yet, I am not daunted, because when I look back, it hit me that I have already climbed a mountain. Damn.

Yet when I look forward, there is an even higher mountain to climb. The baby steps that I take will help get me there.

Everything is all coming together nicely. Though the new year did not start off too well for me, I made sure it did not stay that way. For what it is worth, things look set to better than ever and I am really looking forward with great excitement. Whatever the outcome, it will be for the best.

I am finally going away on a short trip after so long, just me and him. Happy days ahead!

=)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I am glad that I did not accept things as it were, just to avoid that silent battle of wills that has become quite uncomfortable. I am glad I spoke my mind because when I did, it sets so many things straight.

I am just glad that this one is different and things look set to be better than before.

Monday, January 18, 2010

My heart is open I am listening. Though I still feel that things are not quite ideal, there has been a shift in my mindset and I have decided to accept it as it is. Although it is less than perfect and it requires a lot of effort on my part not to lose my cool, I can see that this is real, with none of the grey areas that I abhor. It is still something worth treasuring, flaws and all, because I can see a future. As important as it is to me, I will not make it my whole life because it is a lot more than just that.

Which is why I am going to direct my focus on the other aspects that make up my life. At the moment, I feel like I am losing my identity unless I secure my future. It is getting to be quite a sick affair repeating myself and justifying the choices I make. I know exactly what I am doing and why, but I probably should anchor my identity on the right things.

The stage has been set, all I need to do is to perfom when the time comes.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

There is a lot going on in my life right now and my heart is heavy. If only the inner battle will cease long enough for the inner harmony to take its place. A silent cry that is not meant to be heard, but only for the one above.

Perhaps my mentality and view of life belie my age or the perceived lack of life experience, but those who choose to hear what I have to share, might see a gem of wisdom that is often overlooked.

It is best I maintain my silence now and retreat into a place in my mind where I can hide, safe from the things of the world that hurt and disappoint. Though I am going through trials of my own, all I wanted to do was to be there.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

So, I brought up the issue at an opportune moment today and got some things off my chest. It amused him so much that he grinning away like a Cheshire cat, enjoying the fact that I was being a bitch about it. Anyhow, he was amicable in his agreement as it is not an unreasonable request.

Like I mentioned before, the past should stay buried, I don't want to know, don't need to know and don't give a shit. Heck, why even open a can of worms at all?