My heart is deeply saddened by the news of Michael Jackson's untimely demise and I can only hope that he is in a better place. His music and his presence were such a strong influence in our lives that it is hard to believe he is really gone. He is truly the King of pop and even though people all over the world mourns his death, he remains immortal, as his legacy will live on forever.

This brings to mind, just how fragile life is... When the time comes for me to go, will I look back in regret as I draw my last breath, or can I go in peace? The answers elude me for now and when I finally get them, it might be too late. When it is time, it is time and I know I will be in a much better place.

While I still have all these years ahead of me, I am going to live my life happily and with as much abandon as I can afford to. I am going to pursue whatever my heart tells me to and have a vision for myself.

So much for that. I have been waiting for a week to do my progress check and now that those guys before me have passed, I will be up next. The succession of cold fronts passing over Jandakot does not leave me with much chances of doing the check on Sunday. Oh well, I will just have to wait it out and hope I don't get delayed anymore than I already have.

Digressing now, I do not really discuss anything to do with the affairs of the heart on my blog but if I will only say this much, it is worth waiting for that special person whom we can make things right with. I will leave this topic for another post for another time.

Me again in my usual state of reverie, left alone in my room with just my private musings for company. As I deliberate upon my thoughts, I am immersed in music that resonates with my soul and I am relishing the sanctuary that is my mind.

Of late, I have been having many heart-baring conversations with the Lord. Truth is, I have been feeling an unease that bothers me to no end and I know that I will need to restore the harmonious balance in me. Each day was the same when I woke up and I continued to pour my heart out to God, while struggling hard not to sink into further depression.

Then, one day I woke up. Gone is the melancholic stupor I have sunk myself in and in its place, a peace that transcends all understanding, diffused into every fibre of my being. The Lord has given me the wisdom to see the light and the fear and the weariness that has bogged me down has now dissipated.

It feels good and I feel ready to take on the challenges that will be coming my way.

It is taking me a long time to write this entry as my thoughts are fragmented due to the fact that I am doing a few things at once. Earlier on, I spent some time looking through many pictures which I have forgotten about. Photographs of my travels and me in my 'glory' days and then, the more recent ones, heh. I chanced upon some old pictures of me when I was a Singapore Girl and it brought back many memories and I re-lived them once more, for only a brief moment.

Since I am in the mood for reminiscing, I decided to read my old blog entries from the day I started and I could not stop... I have re-discovered a treasure trove of all my thoughts, feelings, experiences, growth and changes that marked my journey from 2004 til the present. The last 5 years of my life has been documented digitally into an online diary and it blows my mind when I read all the entries which reveal a story about me, personal, yet elusive.

All that has got me pondering... but I will leave that for another entry in the near future.

Yesterday, my younger brother's gesture of quiet support and encouragement touched me deeply. He knows how much this dream means to me and it was his way of contributing. When I finally make it, I want to make a difference in the lives of people around me, in all ways big and small, starting from my family and the friends close to me.

Moving on, I turned 26 a few days ago. I have a very strong feeling that this will be a magical year for me, the golden age where my dreams will be realized and everything will fall nicely into place. There is so much to look forward to and I eagerly anticipate what is to come.

=)

Life as I know it right now is one peppered with moments of happiness, uncertainty and private reverie. The thoughts that have been occupying my mind come fast and furious and the only time I have to mull over them is the period when I am about to doze off to sleep.

My imagination has been more vivid than usual and the images that I hold on to are the ones that fill me with all the positive feelings. Wishful thinking it may be, but if it keeps me motivated, I won't lose out in any way.

I have had my first repeat for this phase and hopefully, it will be the last. I am secretly glad as I do not feel ready for the progress check and could do with a bit more practice. This is the time where I need God more than ever and I must not give up.

There has been a lot of negativity on a large scale and it is sapping my energy. The need for solitude grows stronger and I cannot let myself be dragged down. Why do people not appreciate what they have and count their blessings?

It started on the ground, everything that could go wrong, went wrong and snowballed from there. I made the common mistakes cadets made ALL in one night navigation sortie.

Ah well, live to learn and move on.

Bade another 3 guys farewell tonight with a tinge of sadness. While I am happy that they have completed their training, it is always sad to see my friends leave this place one by one.

Perhaps I do not feel that affected this time because I know it will be my turn soon, in another month or so. Til then, I will make the most of my time left here.

Since my return from Singapore, I have not attended cell group meetings, nor church. It was only yesterday that I decided to make an effort and go, yet throughout the service, I felt strangely disconnected from everything and I left, feeling this sudden gnawing sense of emptiness.

It is temporary and will come to pass, but at this stage, it is crucial that I feel my best, but I don't. There is a disharmony in me that is threatening to sabotage my state of mind and I am starting to feel something I have not felt in a long time, fear.

I need to pick which battles to fight because I cannot win them all and at the moment, it becomes apparent to me that my biggest enemy is myself. I am the reason for the way I am feeling and it is a struggle not to let myself slide any further.

Though I surprised myself with how well my last sortie went, there is a knot in my stomach. The all-too-familiar feeling of fear is about to consume me and I need to trust, trust in the Lord.