There has been many reasons for me to smile about thus far. There were some things that got me down initially, but everything worked out better than I had expected. I guess sometimes we all have to learn to let go when it gets too much for us.

Attended church today for the first time in months, it is rare I get a Sunday off. I was moved again and I felt a strong stirring in my heart. Flying off to Melbourne tonight, it will be the first time I meet my team gals after so long. Looking forward to it! Much love...

The ugly side of human nature

Stoned. That was the perfect example of the state of my mind yesterday. I was so fucking tired that that my mind went blank after flight and I left my bag outside the boarding gate after disembarking. I even walked a long way before I realized I was not carrying my bag. I rushed all the way back. Oh and lucky me, the aircraft just HAD to be parked at the very last, most secluded gate lah.

Nabei, I walked for what seemed like eternity before I finally got to the fucking gate. I was so relieved to see a policeman standing there. I retrieved my bag without much hooha. I must say that I was damn freaking lucky.

To my surprise, I saw the crew-in-charge walking towards me as I made my way back. He had come all the way back for me when he heard what had happened. He was concerned about me and was very nice about it. Even though he taught my class when I was training, it was the first time I flew with him. I was very touched by that gesture.

Let us talk about people. I work with different sets of people most of the time and I get to interact first-hand with all kinds of passengers on board. Contrary to what people hear about the job, it really is not that bad. I mean for someone like me, who gets bored easily, has an ego and hot temper, I actually like my job very much. I like most of the people I work with and it has brought out the finest qualities in me. Even though we see each other for the first time, we all operate as a team and I believe, will genuinely care and look out for one another.

So I don't understand something I heard from my mother last night, when I came home from my Hong Kong turnaround.

The company my auntie works in, sponsored a trip to Europe for all its employess. It was supposed to be a fun trip to look forward to, but turned out to be a miserable one for her. True colours galore, HAH.

Everyone was snappy and irritable towards each other. The employees had to participate in some games. My aunt was running when she felt faint and collasped. She lay on the field with the searing sun beating on her face and feeling like she was going to die. The hotel called for a medic, who arrived and attended to her.

And what were the rest of her colleagues doing? Here's the shocker, they continued on with their games as if nothing has happened. No one stayed by her side to make sure she was ok. No one asked if she was alright, basically, no one cared.

"No one? You mean there were so many of them and no one stayed by her side" I asked my mom.

"No one," my mommy confirmed.

You can imagine I had a lot to say, went into a passionate tirade. Fucking hell, what in the world...? These are the fucking faces you see at work everyday and you mean, no one can find it within themselves to show some concern? Getting a heat stroke is no laughing matter. The medic was very kind to my aunt, he administered some treatment and walked her back to the hotel.

Well, at least there was a good soul, and it came from a stranger.

I just cannot understand it, kindness is something very basic that people should have in them, in varying amounts. But this was just.... cold. Probably there is more to it, some parts of the story I did not hear about, I don't know... All I know is, I can never live with myself if I ever become like one of those people. Deviod of emotion towards another person.

The true nature of some rears its ugly head again. I would just like to share a scenario before I go.

There was a girl (bespectacled and plain) and she looks 16, travelling with her parents. Let's call her Liz.

Liz: "I want Sprite and a little red wine."

Me: "Can I just ask your age?"

*We are not supposed to serve alcohol to people below 18 years of age. Hey, just doing my job man.

Liz: "Zherkkkk! I am 19!!!" (glares at me and gave me a black face)

Me: "Okie." (serves the wine, having evil thoughts;p)

Nabei CB lah. Ungracious. Rude to the crew and even worse, rude to her parents in front of people she doesn't know. Tsk tsk... which man would want a lizard for a girlfriend?

Zheeerrrk!

Today I turn 23.

Well, I feel different, but in a good way. Looking back... my life does seem to get progressively better as I get older. From year to year, I feel myself changing so much that sometimes, even I can't quite keep up with them. My friend joked that he has a hard time just trying to keep up with my hairstyle changes. Haha.

What a pleasant surprise it has been! I received birthday well wishes from people I did not expect via text messages (some from overseas), Friendster messages, testimonials, phone calls and over MSN. A simple, thoughtful gesture that put a smile on my face and touched my heart. Thank you.:)

To my family and close friends who remembered, thank you for the gifts, company and taking the time to be with me. All of you have made me feel special, in little ways that mean so much. I truly feel contented.

Being 22 has been a great year for me. I got to know many wonderful people and strengthened my friendships with those I am already close to. Of course, there are some who drift away too. Having 2 long lost friends contact me days apart of each other, closed the chapter 22 on a happy note. That was the year that marked the turning point of my life and brought me closer to God. After being lost for so long, I have finally stumbled upon my path and suddenly, I have a clearer sense of direction. There is a level of awareness that I have never experienced before and with that, I look at the world with the renewed inquisitivity of a child. I see how all the different events of my life thus far have been woven together to form an incomplete picture.

This is my first day of being 23. I feel calm and there is a glow of contentment spreading in my heart. I understand myself a little bit more than yesterday. Some thing thats were ambigious before, came to light recently. It is very nice to know... Although Chapter 22 was not without its fair share of highs and lows, it was good while it lasted. May Chapter 23 be best one yet.

What a night.

Had a lovely time over dinner with my favourite babes at the Esplanade.

Ended up at Happy to meet up with some friends. Literally saved my poor friend's ass from some guy. Nabei, never met anyone so persistent and wouldn't leave us alone. And he got real bitchy when my friend rejected his advances.

Left an apple at our table for some weird reason. An apple??? Is that supposed to mean anything?

We went to the Ministry of Sound after that. The strap of my heels snapped and I had to leave early. It was not that bad but fuck lah, this is like the 4th time this shit happens when I am out.

Ah well, I had a great time anyway. Muakz!

Pinch me somebody, I must be dreaming.

I turn 23 in a few days and I already have the best birthday presents I can ever hope to have. It is overwhelming... I had the most wonderful surprise this afternoon. Just a few days after my long lost friend contacted me, I got another msg on Friendster.

It was from my childhood best friend, Bianca and the floods of memories come rushing back. OH MY GOD, after all these years, I have never forgotten her... She was the girl whom I spent the happiest, most innocent times of my life with. A beautiful, sweet girl, a princess out of a fairytale, and me, an ugly tomboy, running around barefooted like a monkey.

I think I was happier as that barefooted monkey. Heh.

She moved to the US and we lost contact for years, coz my old e-mail account got jammed. It's amazing how much time can change us and turn us into completely differnt people.

The monkey became a flight stewardess with SIA and the fairytale princess? She's now a US Marine, does modelling and is getting married at age 20. Yep you did not hear me wrong. US Marine. How totally kickass is that!?! I like!

Funny, I was just wondering about her a few days back and I have no idea how she found me on Friendster.

I am in high spirits today coz I will be meeting my favourite people tonight. Simply euphoric. Damn.

Now, will someone just come along and sweep me off my ugly feet and take my breath away? Heh.

I realize that by now, I must be sounding very incoherent to most people. Heh.

Over dinner today, I tried to share with my friend about whatever I wrote in my last blog entry. He did not understand. I did the same with my mom, she did not get it either. But they entertained me anyway, I have this sneaking suspicion that they just like to look at me talk.

So my friend fires back with this question. (He WAS listening afterall) What if you were to die tomorrow? Life is so short. Won't it be a pity that you don't even take this time to enjoy life?

Haha! Trying to imply that I should loosen up eh? Yep, I do agree, life is short and we should live it to the fullest.

But nabei lah! Who says I don't enjoy life? Just because I sound write cryptic entries? I think I am one of those few people who balance my life very well man. Let me bore you with some examples k.

To start off, I sleep very little, coz I just don't need to sleep that much. Consider this, 2 people, one sleeps 6 hours a day, the other 12, just for the hell of it. They are the same age and they live the same number of years. 6 hours over say, 10 years. If you think about it, the former would have done so much more with their lives compared to the latter, if factors like being born in the same year and living the same number of years are kept constant.

Back to my question, who says I do not enjoy life? I may unhappy about some things and complicate my life, but fuck, I DO NOT stop myself from enjoying.

I exercise and watch what I eat because I love having a fit body and a healthy lifestyle. I read and have conversations with people to stimulate my mind. I play the piano and sing to myself because I love music. I enjoy the times when I am with my family, and having my dogs, Miko and Nicky lie at our feet, gazing at us adoringly with trusting eyes. I enjoy keeping in close touch with my friends and having fun. I drink when I am with good company and I club because I love dancing. I do like my job for now and I cannot imagine being stuck in an office. Yada, yada, just to name a few.

Even though I have not achieved all that I want in this lifetime, I would go without regrets if I my young life is suddenly cut short. For all the despair I may feel sometimes, yes, I do enjoy my life! I see the bigger picture and the gradual comprehension of certain events that are happening, or have happened.

I realize that my unhappiness stems from spiritual starvation. That's when I start searching and questioning and getting my answers in subtle ways that I am beginning to see and understand.

Somehow, I managed to pacify my restless mind and soul, and quell the secret yearning of my heart. If I were to go, it would be with the knowledge that I have started on this spiritual journey of my life and I am on the right path.

"So young, so troubled, why think so much?" my colleague remarked when I spoke to him briefly over MSN.

He does have a point. Why do I think so much? True, I do have a choice whether I want to be happy, or not. My life is good to be honest. And I can make everyone around me, including myself, believe that I am happy with whatever I have now. I can create a nice big bubble to cocoon myself in. Afterall, ignorance is bliss.

But can we be content with whatever we have now, for the rest of our lives? Or that things will remain the same throughout?

I refuse to be lulled into that false sense of security and happiness. People change, circumstances change, everything is constantly changing. Some day that bubble will burst, and then what?

So I made my choice. I choose to think too much and continue searching, even though it complicates things, fucks me up and drives me to the depths of depression. Then you start questioning yourself amidst all the disappointment, wavering confusion and self doubt.

I have found what I wanted in life, and I just know. It is something I cannot explain, just that it feels right. It is this utmost conviction that it is part of the plan. Now I wait, because it will come to me at the right moment, one day.

Something upset me a few days back. My heart was very heavy when I went to London. I spoke to God, asking him if I am on the right path. I prayed for solace and for my heart to be at ease. I prayed for unwavering strength to keep the faith in what I strongly believe in.

When I came back from London, I received a msg on Friendster. It was from a dear friend of mine whom I have lost contact with for more than 4 years. We exchanged a few msgs and today we happened to talk on MSN.

It is more than a uncanny coincidence that we got back in touch. Our conversation left me completely mystified. For someone who is doing really well for himself, he is going through the exact same struggle and torment as I. Whatever we shared with each other, we understood immediately. It takes one to go through the same shit to truly understand. If you haven't, you can never pretend to comprehend.

We disappeared from each other's lives for years, and yet there was no gap to bridge. It was as if we were, in his words, never too far away from each other all this while. The thing that got my mind reeling was when I got the solace that I have been seeking, through him. And it stuck him hard when I said something that happens to be an answer to his question.

I am totally bewildered at everything that has been happening. Nevertheless, my mind is at peace for the moment. I know I am not alone anymore. Somehow, I am strangely comforted...

You just have to know how to read the signs...

Staying awake for 36 hours fucks up the subconscious mind. Disturbing is the only word I can use to describe the disconcerting dream I had in the wee hours this morning.

I was a new high school student in another country. There was a major basketball game in the school premises and an event of another sort held concurrently in a seperate part of the school.

At first glance, it seemed to be an ordinary rally with students and teachers milling about. I stayed on as a quiet spectator and watched them move huge gift boxes about. I remembered that there were addresses stamped on them and the boxes were blue. Then a group of Asian guys appeared with 2 bundles wrapped in white sheets.

That scene was the most vivid part of my dream. It suddenly dawned upon me that the students were carrying 2 female forms. I could see the faces of the two girls who looked vaguely familiar. Faces that were strangely expressionless and doll-like, with heavily mascaraed lashes framing wide-open eyes that were staring blankly at nothing.

The scene unfolding before me was beginning to resemble some ominous ritual. Before I could even comprehend the situation, the guys lifted the 2 bundles and smashed them hard over the hall railings and watched the bodies fall and hit the ground with a sickening thud.

I could hear the crack of shattered bones. There was deadly silence, not even a scream. I prayed hard that the 2 forms are mannequins and not human bodies.

One of the teachers, a heavyset woman with greying hair, strolls over. She was playing with a huge carving knife in her hands. She calmly started hacking at the 2 fallen forms.

I saw blood and bone spattering everywhere as her hacking got more frenzied. I could not move from where I was. Then all the people present start laughing. It was the sick, twisted, maniacal sort of laughter that will continue ringing in your ears and reside in your memories. I could not get it out of my head.

They all gathered around whatever was left of the 2 girls and tossed the pieces into the gift boxes. Laughing and laughing as if they were possessed by demons.

Then the teacher with the carving knife looked towards my direction and saw me standing there. I bolted up the stairs, struggling to get away, as they came after me in droves. I seemed to get slower as they gained on me.

Then I woke up.

I wanted to throw up and my heart felt like a leaden weight. Fucking hell. I hate this, I really fucking hate it, because I remember all the nightmares I had when I was younger. Even though they don't affect me anymore, it is bloody freaky and disturbing.

Please let me sleep well tonight. *sigh*

The nail of my right index finger is slightly seperated from its nail bed. It's nothing serious but rather annoying. That is just one of the occupational hazards of opening can after can of beer and minerals during a drink cart service. That, and being encapsulated in an aluminium body of very dry air, recycled burps, farts and whatever gas our human bodies excrete.

It stung when I removed my red nail polish. When I was a classical piece on the piano and I came to the part where I have to thrill the demi-semi-quaver notes, it hurts like hell. I played until my finger didn't hurt anymore. Thus, it was one of the rare evenings at home that I spent tickling the ivories and singing to my favourite songs in my computer.

It is one of those simple things that brings about such quiet joy. I have forgotten how I felt when I played my first song on the piano.

Thinking back, I have always been an expressive person. I can share my thoughts by using words and penning them down, and find words for feelings that are hard to describe through speech. And now I realize, that I am learning to express myself better through music.

Music sounds so beautiful when it is played with feelings... I am glad I got in touch with it again...

:)

Hello Strangers. Our paths have crossed somehow in the different stages of our journey through life. Your paths merged with mine and become intertwined for awhile. You are the people who have left imprints in my memories. Some deeper and more vivid than the others...but definately a mark nevertherless.

We were close and there we could share deeper thoughts that resonated. We seemed to understand each other in ways which no one else could. The simple, yet meaningful things that could put a smile on our faces and make our day.

There was that special connection that cannot be defined and sometimes the boundaries become blurred. Things started to get complicated and to spare ourselves the ensuing pain that could follow, we cut off all contact and drift apart, away and into nothingness. Oh,the silent hurt and the veiled helplessness!

Each encounter leaves a void in my life. The ghost of those happy times still linger on, mere shadows of a distant memory.

Goodbye, goodbye Strangers. Although, now I do not know you all the way I used to, it has been nice knowing you.

Today my best friend got married. Despite all the confusion and inner turmoil I am battling, my heart sang with joy when she exchanged vows with the man she loves and slipped the rings on each other's fingers.

Congratulations darling, you have no idea how happy I am for the both of you. I wish you never-ending bliss and may the two of you grow old together.:)

*Hugz*

Still, the apple of my eye.

Isn't she a beauty? No matter how many laptops I have seen, my heart is still set on this model. I am still trying to justify why I need a laptop, but it is more of a 'want', than a 'need'.

...

AIYAH, don't buy lah. I will buy one of the new Sony Ericsson 3G handphones, when they are released in Singapore.

Gonna turn in now... I am totally looking forward to my flight to Christchurch later in the evening.:)