Thursday, December 31, 2009

I started the last day of 2009 with a 5km morning run, doing the laundry, walking the dogs and washing Nicky's furry behind because he had the runs and smeared shit all over the floor.

A very ordinary morning for 2009, but what an extraordinary year it was on the whole. Though it was peppered with stress, uncertainty and some unhappy moments, there have been many happy highlights that are worthy of mention and be thankful for.

I was successful in getting my CPL/IR(ME), which brings me closer to my dream than ever before. Got baptized in October and have grown spiritually ever since. Christmas meant a lot more to me this year as I was able to give in a way I haven't done before. Best of all, I met someone special, he is my rock, love of my life, soul mate and astrological twin.

2010 looks set to be a very promising year, one of personal fulfillment and blessings in more ways than one. Time to cast out all that is bad and embrace the good that is to come with open arms. I can hardly wait and I look forward to it with great optimism and faith.

Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Am at work right this moment with sleep deprivation blues, still feeling the effects of the tummy ache that robbed me of my sleep last night. I want to write but I am too tired to think. Long evening ahead, will pen down my thoughts when I have more spare capacity.

Sigh...
Wide awake at 2.39am in the morning. All that activity going on in my head these few days is keeping me vigil. When I do fall asleep eventually, the dreams that I have been having of late punctuates my slumber, robbing me of quality sleep.

By chance, I came to know about something that I am not quite happy about. As much as I feel like being an irrational bitch, I have to keep my cool and play my cards right. However, I am going to have to put my foot down with regards to this, as far as I am concerned, whatever is past is done dusted and should stay buried. To put it mildly, I do not give a flying fuck about the history, but should the past encroach into the present, I have every right to know and put a stop to it, diplomatically.

I promise to be nice.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Life is strange like that... the less I have, the more I want to give. But since I do not have a big budget to bust now, I give in more meaningful, thoughtful ways. There were many things I wanted, but now, what I really want cannot be bought from a store. The material world beckons sometimes, but these days, I am hardly seduced by something that will only bring me temporary happiness

My darling asked me to choose my Christmas present yesterday and we wandered into a few choice boutiques to have a look-see. I would walk out empty-handed each time, which finally led him to declare that it was hard to buy anything for me. After all, it is not everyday that a girl will say no to a little trinket from Tiffany & Co. The intention was sweet of course, but I just do not think it is worth spending that kind of money on something that does not really appeal to me.

Besides, I am very specific about the things I like and want. Don't get me wrong, when someone gives me a present, I definitely appreciate the thoughtful gesture. However, it is just that when I get to choose, the process becomes quite complicated. That, my other half can attest to. Heh.

I usually get the things which catch my eye and hold my interest, but considering how fugly and tacky most of the clothes, bags and shoes are these days, it is better to pass. Furthermore, I still love the things that I own now as they have served me very well. Having said that, I think I pretty much have all that I want and need for now.

What I really want is something money cannot buy. I want the means to provide well for my family, give back whatever I took and more. I want my dreams to become a reality and I want to walk the journey of life with the one I love and respect, by my side. Above all, I want to lead a fulfilling life with God in the centre of it all.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Yes, I admit that I do get bothered by the small stuff every now and then, and today is one of those days. Inconsiderate behavior is one thing I have little tolerance for and any encounter with it causes the bitch in me to rear its ugly head, well almost.

I hate it when people refuse to move to the back of a crowded bus while other people are waiting to board. Even more annoying to me is when some people lean their whole body against the pole in a MRT train during peak hours, while surrounding commuters grasp gingerly at whatever they can hold on to. All these things happening in one day is enough to make a matter as trivial as forgetting to inform me when lunch plans are cancelled, piss me off.

Snooty people irritate the hell out of me too, though the irony is I do have an aloof disposition as well.

Ah well, fuck it all, just wanted to rant. Now that I am done, I have a Christmas gathering to look forward to this evening.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas this year will be a lot more interesting and meaningful than the previous years. It is nice to finally feel the spirit of Christmas, after being numb to the occasion for so long. Perhaps I did something differently, I gave something a little more than just a gift from the store.

There has been a positive flurry of activity in my life and I now greet each day with refreshed optimism. Recently, someone whom I got back in touch with all of a sudden has advised not to share my career plans with people. It is an advice I will heed as I am honestly very tired of talking about it and I feel I do not need to answer to people whom I am not very close to, especially not the process.

So that being that, my post is short and sweet. I am off to bed as I have a long day tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Yesterday night, I turned into that little girl. There is something about crying that soothes the inner turmoil, like the calm after a storm. It is really something I should learn to do more often.

In these 4 months, I have cried more times then I did the whole of last year and the years before that. Without going too much into the details, the one who caused it was also the one who stayed by my side and comforted me when I did. Quarrels are a necessary evil but it must still be done in a manner that is civilized. As painful as it is sometimes, I am a firm believer that issues need to be addressed and should never be swept under the rug.

I would like to share this daily devotional which I received in my email this morning, just after I wrote my last entry:
Never Alone, Always Cared For

1 Peter 5:7
7casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

It does not matter how tightly knit our families are or how many close friends we have. When we go through a difficult time or trial, many a time, we still feel all alone and that no one really cares or understands.

Martha knew that feeling. She had on one occasion cried out to Jesus, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone?” (Luke 10:40) Jesus’ disciples also knew what it was like to feel small, alone and in trouble. They cried out, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” when they were swept up in a terrifying storm. (Mark 4:38)

Today, maybe the cry of your heart is also, “Lord, do You not care that I am left all alone… that I am going under… that I am perishing?”

My friend, the Lord does care for you. He loves you so much that He wants you to cast all your cares upon Him — not just some but all your cares. He wants both your big and small cares. There is nothing too small or big for Him. If it is a care in your heart, He wants you to cast it upon Him.

When the apostle Peter wrote “casting all your care upon Him”, he was talking about the continuous act of casting all your cares upon the Lord. As a care comes, God wants you to cast it to Him. That is the lifestyle He wants you to adopt. Why? The verse gives us the reason — “for He cares for you”. You are casting all your cares upon the One who loves you, and who left all of heaven to come and die for you. That is who you are casting your cares to. It is not just any person, but it is the One who gave His life for you!

When you are going through a difficult time, God wants you to believe that you are never alone because He Himself has said that He will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5) As the object of His care, He will take care of you for the rest of your life. You are never alone and always cared for!


More than a mere coincidence? He is listening.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, that is where I am at the moment and it is definitely not the most comfortable position to be in. The words 'comfort zone' is both strange and foreign to me and I cannot seem to recall the last time I was in that place.

These days, I can only find comfort in writing and in my heartfelt prayers to God, though it has become increasingly difficult for me to express my private thoughts and feelings. A private struggle ensues and I am teetering on the edge of exhaustion for reasons not many can comprehend.

I am blessed to have a lot of people who have been a constant support in my life, but even then, there is only so much they can understand.

Secretly, I am glad that I am not as alone as I feel, for I can turn to God who knows me best.

On a brighter note, some things are going according to plan and I am relieved to have caught that opportune moment yesterday. I had to step even further out of my already uncomfortable zone to make it happen but it is all quite positive. However, I was rebuked for disappearing from the scene and missing out on an opportunity because I was not active enough to catch the wave. All is not lost and from all the information I have managed to gather, I have an idea what is to come next. I need to secure this for myself and I can only see how everything will pan out a few months down the road and be ready.

A lot remains to be seen and I must hold out for what I want and stay true to my beliefs.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Today, I completed my 2nd 10KM run for the year. Since this is the first time I am participating in the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon, I decided to start with a modest distance of 10KM.

Other than the CAAS Aviation 10KM run which I took part in last month, I have never completed this distance before. Despite being very slack with my training, I finished with a decent timing, about 65 minutes or so. Although I did not push myself that hard, I just kept going at a steady pace without stopping and only speed up significantly for the last 2KM.

My body had been surprisingly conditioned to run this distance and to challenge myself even more, I am going to take part in the half marathon next.

Friday, December 04, 2009


A lone picture in my blog of many words... I had my graduation tonight and finally obtained my wings. It is more than a just a recognition for having successfully completed my course, to me, it signifies all the odds I have overcome and that my dreams are about to become a reality. It is my personal symbol of faith, hope and freedom.

Though the poorly-tailored college blazer I had to wear did not do justice to my frame and was totally unflattering on all counts, I was glad that the 2 of the people I love most were with me to share this important occasion.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

What's next? At this point of time, it is not a question I can ask myself because I know what I want next but it is only a matter of time before they can become reality.

Now, I want to focus on my personal development and my spiritual growth and be grounded in faith. Perhaps, now I want to know what I can give and how I can make a difference.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I managed to catch the movie, Amelia, a film based on the life of famous female aviation pioneer, Amelia Earhart. The legacy that she has left behind remains unparalleled and her achievements are awe-inspiring.

The movie was beautiful and highly motivational. The scenes of her flights transported me back to my days of flying in Jandakot, how I miss it all! I long to be up in the endless expanse of blue skies, with the melodic hum of the engines in the background, while I relish the freedom of flying solo.

Indeed, dreams know no boundaries and the sky is the limit.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

WHO AM I - CASTING CROWNS

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours


The above, are the lyrics to the song that deeply resonates with my soul and summarizes my Christian faith thus far.

Who am I? 5 years ago, I would not have the answer to that question, but after accepting Christ into my life again in 2006, I know now... Religion aside, it is very important to know our identity and our purpose in life as it gives us our direction, without which, we'd just be drifting along like a piece of deadwood.

Over the years, I have established my own identity and I dare say I have a pretty strong sense of purpose. However, I would experience occasional bouts of self-doubt, confusion and fear of the unknown, all usually due to external influences. There will always be people who give advice that contradicts our beliefs and perhaps, confuse us even further. Then there may also be some experiences that we are unwittingly exposed to, which may subtly cause us to lose ourselves over time. Being a Christian keeps me in check, so when I stray, I never stray too far.

Knowing what you want in life is 90% of the battle won, because when it finally comes your way, you'd be able to identify it and not let it slip you by. A few years back, I remember lamenting to a good friend, on the the boats that I kept missing and he told me to wait for a ship instead. Then one day in August this year, the ship came to me, and I am glad I held out for it.

Looking back, I am happy with all the choices I have made so far and how my life has changed because of them. I am feeling incredibly happy these days and there is just so much love to give. I feel nearly complete and many things are falling nicely into place. Once I am where my dreams have taken me, it will be complete.

The best thing that has happened to me in 2009 besides getting my license, is having met that special someone whom I can share those dreams with. God is good.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The sleeping faces of my dogs look so serene all the time, I love watching them sleep.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Choice is Made

It has been a gentle crescendo leading up to that moment of epiphany. It started with a keener sense of awareness and then in a single instant, everything comes together to form a clearer picture.

The choice is made and my priorities are set. There is something I am starting to understand about myself, that I need that personal time to reflect and focus my energies on maintaining a harmonious balance that keeps me at my peak. Only then, can I hear the little voice within which guides me and that sets me on the right track.

I know what I want and I will head straight for that direction and hold out for it if I have to. The other avenues will be explored if I do not make it for whatever reason. All in good time!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I just heard some news tonight, that someone I do not like got something I want, ahead of me. My heart sank, but I fought off the initial feelings of negativity.

It is good that I have drawn much closer to God lately as it has opened my eyes and made me understand a few things which I did not before. I read a few pages of the bible today and a verse from the chapter of Matthew stood out, it was about judging others.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" - Matthew 7:3
Then it all became clear to me when I was informed about the news. There is something I can learn from this person and I must humble myself in order to see it... If we make God the centre of our lives, we will be rewarded with His blessings. Come to think of it, it is ironic that I can actually learn something from someone I do not think much of, but I must put my pride and my judgmental opinions aside as it does not do me any good. Those who judge, including myself, will be judged as well so it is time I removed that plank from my eye.

I must keep my heart pure so that I can receive God's true wisdom and I must be conscious to protect my heart from the taint of negativity. My faith is not perfect and I am 'work in progress', but I will make an effort to be a better person.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I Never Walk Alone

I welcome the peace and quiet, for it is the time I turn contemplative and have the luxury to mull over my thoughts. This is something I need to do often to keep me grounded as it is very easy to get caught up in the not-so-pleasant realities of life and lose myself in the process.

Some influences are subconscious and it creeps up upon you and eventually consumes you if you are not aware of it happening. We all need a reality check from time to time and learn to put our egos aside, though I firmly believe one must not lose their dignity and self respect.

There are just some people in my life who are simply not good for me, and perhaps it is best I keep a polite distance from now on. Rather than to get irritated and be a bitch, I shall just adopt a dismissive approach and not be concerned with the trivial things that piss me off these days.

I am a person with very strong opinions and I know what I want in life. However, I have come to realize that lately, it has become too important for me to get my point across and defend my choices, mostly to people who do not really matter and who do not understand shit. No more of that because from now on, I shall just talk less and listen more.

My battles in life are chosen wisely and I will only focus on the ones which are in line with my purpose and that will drive and motivate me. Sometimes, it is better not to engage in the ones which are pointless and sap your energy. Whoever said we need to challenge ourselves all the time and win them all?

The best things that have happened to me are those which I have committed to the Lord and have held out for. After experiencing many false hopes and initial disappointments, I am now together with someone whom I love and who is good for me in every way, and vice versa. I apply the same attitude towards my dream of flying for an airline based in Singapore. I will continue to hold out for what I want until it is evident God has other plans for me.

I never walk alone because I have God in my life and I believe that the best is yet to come.

Monday, November 09, 2009

There is nothing much for me to write about. My life is great at the moment and I am perfectly happy with the way things are, so I will just leave it at that. What I have come to realize is that the human nature is as such, it is easy for most people to share a person's sorrow, but not when it comes to sharing one's joy.

Whenever I get asked the question, "So how's the love life?" and I give a positive answer, the feigned happiness does not escape me at all. In fact, is so easy to identify the ones who are guilty of it. It is like when I have having some issues that I am not too happy about, I suddenly have many 'best friends'. When things are all good, the same 'best friends' disappear in a cloud of superficiality.

To a certain extent, I am very private about my personal life, choosing only to share the details with those who are genuine. As for me when I choose to ask, it is out of concern and if I don't, it just means I don't really care. If it has been broadcasted frequently on Facebook, Twitter or any other form of social media, then I also do not need to ask the obvious.

Okay, I am feeling extremely sleepy now, time for bed.

Friday, November 06, 2009

With a renewed sense of purpose, the fire in me has started burning once more. The reasons for not getting what I thought I wanted, have become clear to me today. The Lord has other plans for me and I have been listening to the inner voice, guiding me to my next baby step.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Pissed no longer, just resigned...

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Even though I know better, I am still pissed, especially when there is no 'closure' to speak of. There is nothing I hate more than to drop the matter without settling it properly and because things are left hanging tonight, I would probably go to bed angry.

It is tiring to consider others when it is not quite appreciated. I know I should be more understanding, but that kind of reaction to a simple question, was unwarranted. It is still something I find very difficult to swallow and let go.

An occasional struggle it has become, whether or not to be completely honest about what I am feeling, or to keep it in.

I hate the way unresolved matters make me feel, I fucking hate it.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Nothing to lose and everything to gain. It is done and true enough, my heart and mind is at peace with the decision I made. There is absolutely no substitute for passion and I intend to do all I can, that is feasible, until I know I can do no more.

I have remained still for the past 2 months, but my instincts tell me it is time to move again. While I have put my time to good use while waiting, being in the corporate world for barely a few months has started to derail me and make me lose focus. There have been more than a few signs telling me to get it back and be prepared, so when things finally happen, I will be ready.

Moving on from here, I was finally baptized yesterday. Though I do not feel as different as I had expected to feel, I know that my walk with God has to be even closer than ever from now on. In His perfect timing and divine appointment, I place my my trust.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Strong as others perceive me to be, what I need right now is a listening ear and to be comforted. I do not want a solution, what I want is understanding and maybe just a little pampering.

Can I be that little girl just for awhile? I want to taken care of and live life with abandon, without a care in the world.

My mind is made up and I know my decision will give me the peace of mind I seek. There will be no regrets as it is more important for me to be happy and find myself again.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Having had a taste of real passion and being given the opportunity to train for a future I know I will love, I long for the day I can go to work happy. Circumstances beyond my control has dragged me into a dreary reality that is now, though temporary, I can only dream of the day I get to live for that passion once more.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I have begun to wonder what my purpose in life is, where this is all going. Have I already started to lose direction? My mind has been plagued by many thoughts and it is has become a constant struggle to stay optimistic and driven in my current environment. It was perfectly fine, until things changed.

It is no secret that I have started to feel very restless, but this new role that has been tasked to me, might very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I am faced with one dilemma too many as I have many things to consider. I can very well suck it up at the expense of my happiness, but for what? There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I do not see this leading anywhere. There is no passion and a goal to drive me. This is way out of my comfort zone and there is simply no incentive for me to put up with this level of discomfort.

I can accept failure and defeat, because when I get knocked around, I know I can pick myself up again and soldier on. However, this is a challenge I choose not to take up because I fail to see how it will benefit me, except cause me more misery.

I have a very good idea about what I want and I know exactly what I do not want. No matter how many nights I spend praying about what I should do, the peace of mind eludes me. I know what will restore the harmony and rid myself of this torture, and I am quite ready to take this step. Perhaps, it will all be clear tomorrow.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Something in me is changing and I have a good feeling about this. The peace and serenity that I feel within affirms it.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

My mind is swarmed with a million thoughts and I have a lot to think about. Without going too much into detail, I am not in a comfortable position but I appreciate the opportunity it gives me to grow and be a better person.

In more ways than one, I am glad that whatever happened today, happened. I may have opened a can of worms but I learnt a few things about myself. All I need now is to talk to God and have a good night's sleep.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

STOMP 2009 was absolutely fantabulous. I was thoroughly entertained by the creative and intricate routines and awed by the impeccable timing and choreography. It was upbeat, hilarious and energetic and I had a smashing good time. Highly recommended!
Perhaps it is better not to have any expectations of people. Mine were not high to begin with, yet, I still find myself getting disappointed. I do not think I am being unreasonable and I am quite tired of accepting things which are making me unhappy. I am managing most aspects of my life well but once in awhile, they do come and bite me in the ass if I slip up a little. Such is life.

Monday, October 05, 2009

I am so tired that I am going to keel over any minute now. Experiencing one of my energy crashes after a long while and I am really looking forward to going home right after work. I am feeling happier about certain things which were sorted out, but I will not set my expectations too high, lest I get disappointed. 40 mins til I knock off from work, the countdown has begun...

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Communication does set things right and everything is all good once again. If I can be in my element, life would almost be perfect.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I wonder about many things, but perhaps it is not the best time to get my answers.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Am I the only one who is making an effort to control my temper? It is certainly no easy feat when the people around me are not doing the same because it is stifling to hold my tongue and put up with it.

I am starting to detach myself from situations which make me unhappy until I decide on the best way to approach them. These are the times where I just want to be alone and it is becoming more frequent. I really do think that I need to sort myself out internally before I can tackle the issues which are starting to bother me.

The real villian here is the symptoms which afflict a woman monthly, but perhaps it runs deeper than that. I am starting to feel restless and I need the serenity and the wisdom to know what to do.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I usually take the time to reflect on the events of my day and today is no exception. To cut a long story short, I had a crap day at work. It is one of those days where a lot of things go wrong and all of a sudden, I am swamped with a million and one issues to tackle. Individually, they are small matters, but put them all together, and it becomes quite a handful.

I had to handle the mess that someone left behind when she quit the company. The client that she pissed off happens to be the most difficult and problematic one and had a history of giving the sales team a hard time. There were a lot of unresolved issues and it was only today that I found out how bad it was. I informed the managers and I did whatever I was instructed to do. Doing damage control is one thing, but suddenly I find myself bearing the brunt of their anger, just because they have no one else to be angry with. A classic case of the messenger getting shot, how very convenient.

If anything, I absolutely hate rude people and getting bullied unfairly. As no one from the sales team was re-assigned to take over the contract, I was tasked to try and handle the irate client and relay messages from the top. I did my best to accommodate them, putting up with the tirade til it got to the point where I became so fed up that I gave them back the attitude.

I am not a sales person and I do not know their protocol, neither am I someone who can make decisions. Yet, I was put in this very awkward position to get fired at just because I happen to be the messenger. I was majorly pissed off but in hindsight, I could have handled the situation better. I guess there are still many things for me to learn and taking people's shit without retaliating is one of them. I learnt that during my stint as a stewardess but I seem to have forgotten. However, I admit that I could have controlled my temper a little better.

The matter was settled by one of the managers, as it should have been from the very beginning so the chapter is closed. I had to handle some other stuff which threw me off a little because things were not handed over properly but there was not much drama there. Still, I am not feeling very happy. Tonight, I will talk to God and ask him to grant me the serenity and the wisdom to handle things better in the future.


and there was no one to take ownership of the contract.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Just yesterday, he told me he had something to say to me but that it was not the right time to do so. 09/09/09, he said the 3 golden words for the first time, a day which bears special significance to me in more ways than one. My heart has been touched deeply.

=)

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Just something to share...
"Moving With the Cloud

TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman
Thursday, September 03 2009

"Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out." Numbers 9:21b

God brought the Israelites out of Egypt, and they had to pass through the desert on their way to the Promised Land. God was their guide by means of a cloud that appeared overhead. When it moved, they moved. When it stopped, they stopped - sometimes a day, a week, even a year.

Imagine living with the uncertainty of this situation. One day you work at getting your "house" in order, only to have to pick up the stakes and move. Your ability to plan is totally gone. But even greater is the temptation to move when the cloud did not move because you felt it was time to move. For the Israelites, perhaps the grass was no longer green. Perhaps the water was not easily accessible. Perhaps the bugs were a problem. Whatever the case, they were strictly prohibited from moving if the cloud did not move.

It is still the same today. We are not to move unless the Holy Spirit instructs us to do so. We are not to make that business deal on the basis of whether or not it makes sense, but on the leading of the Holy Spirit's "cloud" in our life. It is a difficult process to move only when we are directed, and to remain if we are not. The pressure is always upon us to move, to plan, to act. But if we act, we may move into a place where the presence of God may not be. Hence, the rub. The Christian workplace believer must learn to move when God says move; it is a sign of complete surrender and dependence on God's Spirit to direct our steps.

Ask God today if you are sitting under His cloud. Or, have you moved when He said stand still? He will show you. "

This post resonates deeply with my beliefs and this precisely why I make certain choices in my life, to do or not to do. If the feeling is not right, I will stay put. I have learnt to be still and move only when the Holy Spirit tells me to. The time will come, soon enough.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I am trying to psyche myself for the beginning of next week as yet another great weekend comes to an end. I could really get used to this but I know better than to do that because I know I might start taking it for granted. Instead, I will just live for the moment and enjoy the happy times as they come along, as if I am experiencing them for the first time.

Sent my brother off at the airport today, though he will only be gone for 4 months, he will definitely be missed. Still, his exchange program in Canada will be a great experience, lucky him! Oh the opportunity to travel to neighbouring states and countries! It is something I have always wanted to do, with good company of course. I did not have a chance to do that when I was Perth. The training was intensive and there was the ever existing time and cost factor. Also, not forgetting that there was a strict curfew to adhere to. Oh well, there will definitely be a chance to do so in the near future because I can just see it coming!

I have been squeezing in the time to tickle the ivories whenever I can, it is a skill I do not want to lose and I still enjoy my music. I must make more effort learn new songs to add to my repertoire. Someday I would like to buy a better piano for myself, preferably in white, that would be a real beauty.

The Lord has been good to me and everyday when I wake up, I am thankful for all the blessings he has bestowed onto me. I must treasure these precious and defining moments of my life and the best is yet to come.

Monday, August 24, 2009

God is good. This is real and now I truly understand what it is supposed to feel like... I know I have found what has been missing for so long when everything just clicks neatly into place. There were no mind games, second-guessing, disappointments and bullshit. None.

I am glad I had the sense to hold out for what I want and go with the flow when it is time. The happiness that emanates from my soul is pure and deep down in my heart, I know that this is right. Life is just about to get better.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

=) The smile says it all.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

This is my favourite time of the night... where I would get under the covers of my bed and reflect on my thoughts for the day.

It is all out in the open now, my mom has told my relatives about my licence and they had many nice, positive things to say. Which is fine I suppose, but if they had known about my intentions BEFORE I made it, I am pretty sure they will not be singing the same tune.

There was a lot I had to say, but I lost my train of thought after chatting with people over MSN while I was trying to write. I will leave the rest for next time.

I am feeling generally happy and blessed abd there is a lot to look forward to. I am eager to see how the rest of my life will pan out, I have a good feeling about this. All I have to do is be still and believe.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My brain cells have definitely been put to good use these days. There are just so many things to think about, with regards to work. More importantly, I need to decide on the next step I need to take to towards my ultimate goal. I suppose it is a good thing to keeps the mind active, as they say an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

There is a tonne of information that I need to process and I am not yet at the level where I can function independently. It will all fall into place once I can see how everything fits to form the big picture. Also, I have been tasked to come up with 2 advertisements for marketing purposes. I have so many things to do that I do not have much spare capacity left for creativity.

I will take it positively, all these are challenges and it is nothing I cannot handle. So yeah, I will be more methodical in the way I do things. The 'ABBA' that I have gotten used to does not exist in the corporate world so I will have to rely on myself and my own system, which can best described as organized chaos.

Oh well, there is a reason for everything... a saying which has irritated me somewhat, having heard it one too many times. However, I am beginning to understand. I have a very strong feeling that God has placed me where I am now, for a purpose and though I do not see it now, I am certain it will all be revealed in due time.

The Lord tells me to be still and to hold out for I really want, so I will believe Him and trust with my heart. May the inner voice that guides me resonate with His will.

So fucking tired, time for bed.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

A pair of dark, woeful eyes burned into me as I was washing the dishes just now. Coming back home to my two lovely doggies is definitely one of those things that will make me smile at the end of a tiring day.

It was a better day at work today. I have gotten into the grove of things and am getting used to corporate life. I have not started on my actual role yet but I was kept busy throughtout the day.

It is a pain in the ass having to think about what to wear everyday, how I miss my uniforms! Hopefully, it won't be long now before I get to don one again.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Today is my first day of work. Uneventful, not too bad but I am not exactly jumping for joy. The corporate life is not for me but I will give it a chance. Time to go to bed so I will leave the entry as short as it is now.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Hello real world. I am starting work tomorrow, not quite what I had envisioned myself doing but I am going to give it a fair shot. Mixed feelings... I still do not know what to expect. While the timing and the opportunity is perfect, my heart still yearns for the skies. Ah well, it is a vision I will have to put aside for now, until things in the industry pick up again.

A purpose driven life I must lead, peppered with many moments of childish endeavours. When can I be filled with the spirit of unbridled happiness? I seem to have lost my drive momentarily but my goal is still the same. I pray for the peace that transcends all understanding and the wisdom to know what to do.
In need of time alone, in a sanctuary that is all my own. It is suffocating when the walls feel like they are closing in on you. My tummy feels super bloated and I swear my head is about to explode. Totally not cool.

Sometimes I entertain thoughts of disappearing for awhile and search for the harmony that has eluded me momentarily. I feel an exhaustion that I cannot seem to explain and I need a hiatus from it all.

When I look back, the feeling of being alive is now just a distant memory. I need to find the inspiration to help me rekindle the joy in my heart. Sigh.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

There has been an interesting spin of things... unexpected no doubt, but perfect in more ways than one. The original plan I had for myself is to take a break of up to 2 months, then look for a temporary job to tide me over while I hold out for that golden opportunity.

Then a couple of days ago, I got back in touch with one of my good friends whom I have not contacted for more than 5 years. We reunited over lunch today and exchanged stories of our individual journeys which was very interesting to say the least. So much has changed, yet the old familiarity of our friendship still remains.

To cut a long story short, I was given the opportunity to work for him, just like that. The timing and the arrangement is perfect and I am pleasantly surprised. As I have no experience in this vibrant industry, I will once again, be stepping out of my comfort zone. Having said that, I am motivated and I welcome the challenge.

I will make the most out of this experience, until the time comes for me to leave and continue my original journey.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Today, I looked into the mirror and did not like the reflection of the wan and pale face staring back at me.

Since being back in Singapore for nearly a week, I have barely had the time to settle down. There is just so much to do and so much to think about that my energy is slowly ebbing away as I wear myself out.

The joy and delirium at having obtained my license has fast faded away into a distant memory as I am now faced with the harsh reality of the current situation. More on that later...

The past 1.5 years that I have spent training was the happiest period of my life and my efforts have most certainly paid off. The question is when can I savour the fruits of my labour and live my dream? My achievement is definitely not one to be underestimated, but in a world outside of aviation, what does it count for? Given the way things stand at the moment, even my 4-year stint as a stewardess is more relevant...

Now that I have left the happy bubble, how I long to return. I miss walking over to the college and preparing for my flights. I miss the smell of AVGAS and the positive sound of engines starting up. Hell, I even miss the stress of progress checks and scolding I get from my instructors when I don't perform. I miss it all.

Things are not straightforward anymore and the uncertainties are being felt across the board. I need to take stock and re-assess my limited options. Do I hold out for what I want or to settle for anything that comes along? How long do I have to wait and what should I do in the meantime? I cannot imagine doing anything else. now that I have tasted flight but I will put up with it, if it is temporary.

One thing is for sure, I will not give up and I will face the overwhelming odds with all the strength I can muster. The doors have not closed on me and I will pray for God's guidance on my next move and to give me the wisdom to make the best choices.

It is not the trials that we face that makes us stronger, but our responses in those trials. I continue to trust in the wisdom of the Lord's plan and commit everything to him.

Friday, July 17, 2009

I have done it. 17 July 2009, the day I obtained a CPL/IR on a Multi Engine. It will forever be a day of great significance for me and without a doubt, this has to be one of the greatest achievements in my life. I am coming home!

Whee!!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Tonight I had an awesome flight...

Flashback to the last day of June, the day I finally got my progress check done and miraculously passed, with a good standard. In all honesty, I was actually less confident than I let on and in hindsight, felt that I could have done better. The fear was almost paralyzing but I held on with everything I had. The prayers soothed my frazzled nerves and I managed to keep within the tolerances. My procedures could have been more methodical but the saving grace was that I did well in the more crucial segments of the check.

What seemed like the worst case scenario for me initially turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was dismayed but I trusted God and He delivered.

Then, I had to do 5 more sorties to prepare me for the final test. I was quite happy with how the 3 day sorties went as there was a significant improvement. The night circuits however, left much to be desired. There was not much drama on the first one but I screwed up the second one so badly that I seriously started to doubt my abilities. It was the worst sortie in my entire Baron phase and I was quite shaken. However, my instructor decided to take the leap of faith and let me sign up for the final test based on what he knows I am capable of and hope for the best. He is a good man.

Faith is indeed powerful. Today I got a call to do the night test, together with my coursemate. It was the perfect arrangement and everything was in my favour. I was not expecting to do it this soon and I was in a state of nervous excitement. Again, I commited it to God and when it was my turn to take control, I was dead calm.

It was like I was a different person and I surprised myself tonight. It was the best night circuit I have ever done to date and by a long shot. Now that the night portion is out of the way, I have to focus all my energy on the day portion of the test which will be scheduled very soon. It is the most important one of all and when I pass, it is time to go home.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and faith will see me through.

Friday, June 26, 2009

My heart is deeply saddened by the news of Michael Jackson's untimely demise and I can only hope that he is in a better place. His music and his presence were such a strong influence in our lives that it is hard to believe he is really gone. He is truly the King of pop and even though people all over the world mourns his death, he remains immortal, as his legacy will live on forever.

This brings to mind, just how fragile life is... When the time comes for me to go, will I look back in regret as I draw my last breath, or can I go in peace? The answers elude me for now and when I finally get them, it might be too late. When it is time, it is time and I know I will be in a much better place.

While I still have all these years ahead of me, I am going to live my life happily and with as much abandon as I can afford to. I am going to pursue whatever my heart tells me to and have a vision for myself.

So much for that. I have been waiting for a week to do my progress check and now that those guys before me have passed, I will be up next. The succession of cold fronts passing over Jandakot does not leave me with much chances of doing the check on Sunday. Oh well, I will just have to wait it out and hope I don't get delayed anymore than I already have.

Digressing now, I do not really discuss anything to do with the affairs of the heart on my blog but if I will only say this much, it is worth waiting for that special person whom we can make things right with. I will leave this topic for another post for another time.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Me again in my usual state of reverie, left alone in my room with just my private musings for company. As I deliberate upon my thoughts, I am immersed in music that resonates with my soul and I am relishing the sanctuary that is my mind.

Of late, I have been having many heart-baring conversations with the Lord. Truth is, I have been feeling an unease that bothers me to no end and I know that I will need to restore the harmonious balance in me. Each day was the same when I woke up and I continued to pour my heart out to God, while struggling hard not to sink into further depression.

Then, one day I woke up. Gone is the melancholic stupor I have sunk myself in and in its place, a peace that transcends all understanding, diffused into every fibre of my being. The Lord has given me the wisdom to see the light and the fear and the weariness that has bogged me down has now dissipated.

It feels good and I feel ready to take on the challenges that will be coming my way.

It is taking me a long time to write this entry as my thoughts are fragmented due to the fact that I am doing a few things at once. Earlier on, I spent some time looking through many pictures which I have forgotten about. Photographs of my travels and me in my 'glory' days and then, the more recent ones, heh. I chanced upon some old pictures of me when I was a Singapore Girl and it brought back many memories and I re-lived them once more, for only a brief moment.

Since I am in the mood for reminiscing, I decided to read my old blog entries from the day I started and I could not stop... I have re-discovered a treasure trove of all my thoughts, feelings, experiences, growth and changes that marked my journey from 2004 til the present. The last 5 years of my life has been documented digitally into an online diary and it blows my mind when I read all the entries which reveal a story about me, personal, yet elusive.

All that has got me pondering... but I will leave that for another entry in the near future.

Yesterday, my younger brother's gesture of quiet support and encouragement touched me deeply. He knows how much this dream means to me and it was his way of contributing. When I finally make it, I want to make a difference in the lives of people around me, in all ways big and small, starting from my family and the friends close to me.

Moving on, I turned 26 a few days ago. I have a very strong feeling that this will be a magical year for me, the golden age where my dreams will be realized and everything will fall nicely into place. There is so much to look forward to and I eagerly anticipate what is to come.

=)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Life as I know it right now is one peppered with moments of happiness, uncertainty and private reverie. The thoughts that have been occupying my mind come fast and furious and the only time I have to mull over them is the period when I am about to doze off to sleep.

My imagination has been more vivid than usual and the images that I hold on to are the ones that fill me with all the positive feelings. Wishful thinking it may be, but if it keeps me motivated, I won't lose out in any way.

I have had my first repeat for this phase and hopefully, it will be the last. I am secretly glad as I do not feel ready for the progress check and could do with a bit more practice. This is the time where I need God more than ever and I must not give up.

There has been a lot of negativity on a large scale and it is sapping my energy. The need for solitude grows stronger and I cannot let myself be dragged down. Why do people not appreciate what they have and count their blessings?

Thursday, June 04, 2009

It started on the ground, everything that could go wrong, went wrong and snowballed from there. I made the common mistakes cadets made ALL in one night navigation sortie.

Ah well, live to learn and move on.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Bade another 3 guys farewell tonight with a tinge of sadness. While I am happy that they have completed their training, it is always sad to see my friends leave this place one by one.

Perhaps I do not feel that affected this time because I know it will be my turn soon, in another month or so. Til then, I will make the most of my time left here.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Since my return from Singapore, I have not attended cell group meetings, nor church. It was only yesterday that I decided to make an effort and go, yet throughout the service, I felt strangely disconnected from everything and I left, feeling this sudden gnawing sense of emptiness.

It is temporary and will come to pass, but at this stage, it is crucial that I feel my best, but I don't. There is a disharmony in me that is threatening to sabotage my state of mind and I am starting to feel something I have not felt in a long time, fear.

I need to pick which battles to fight because I cannot win them all and at the moment, it becomes apparent to me that my biggest enemy is myself. I am the reason for the way I am feeling and it is a struggle not to let myself slide any further.

Though I surprised myself with how well my last sortie went, there is a knot in my stomach. The all-too-familiar feeling of fear is about to consume me and I need to trust, trust in the Lord.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Poof!!! I am having a field time seeing through the smoke bombs people throw to hide their true intentions or lack of understanding, all behind one giant smoke screen. While I find it amusing, it annoys me to no end. Since coming here, I have had my fair share of exposure to a few characters and it is no fun having to deal with them.

These usual suspects try to bullshit their way through and come up with some cock and bull story to cover their ass when they have managed to rig things in their favour, sometimes at the expense of other people. I can go on and on about this but I have to get ready for a sim session.

Tempting as it is to stop being politically correct and fuck these idiots to the face, it is not professional and definitely not wise. If only more people can open their eyes wider and stand firm to doing the right thing, rather than make special exceptions.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I am done with my planning for tomorrow's sortie so here I am, kicking back with a glass of red wine and recollecting some of my thoughts.

One of the things that I will surely miss about Perth is the availability of decent red wine at prices you would never get back in Singapore. Never. Even though I long to go home, the quality of life here is just different, in more good ways than one. Ah well... this is an experience that is unique, comparable to my secondary school days, just that I get to re-live those days as an adult, the way that I want.

These are indeed the best years of my life so far and I am ever so grateful for the opportunity to do something that I really want. This journey, though far from over, has been an amazing one thus far and cannot be quantified.

It is real and I am living my dream. The vision I have for myself is simple, yet in the grander scheme of things, this is just one aspect of my life that I have to get right. That, and to erm, lose 5KGs haha!

I am enjoying myself a tad too much, but it not at the expense of my training. Still, the lifestyle is not good for me in the long run and I have to take a step back and regain that harmony once again.

Moving on... every muscle in my body is screaming out in pain! I was over-enthusiastic during the kickboxing session on Saturday and I am totally sore everywhere! The cold simply amplifies the pain, ouch! The sadist in me loves the pain though, I need to feel it to be satisfied with my workout. Even if I were to run 10KM, my muscles will not hurt as much, for my body has grown accustomed to the exercise and it is time for a change.

Gotta go and crawl painfully into bed now. Til then!
It was one helluva week but everything was just fine and dandy, wonder how this week will hold up for me? Intensive it will be, better be focused and disciplined to get me through. It is crunch time but now that I know how fast things can move, I will try my best to keep up and think ahead.

Have been reflecting on the events in my life from time to time and I will sum it up with one short conclusion before I go... People will never know what they are truly made of until they have pushed themselves beyond what they thought possible.

Dare to dream!

Monday, May 18, 2009

At times, I just simply cannot fathom how I allow myself to make stupid mistakes, today being one which caused my sortie to be cancelled. It was not exactly a disaster, but I certainly feel bad enough... all that preparation gone to naught. It has been 10 days since my last dual and when I finally get a slot, I go screw it up on the ground. Brilliant me.

I feathered the propellors at 2200 RPM when I was doing my engine run-up checks, and the RPM dropped by 700, which is undesirable, because the maximum drop allowed for this prop exercise is 300 RPM. My instructor was understandably quite pissed with me and made the decision to turn back to have the engines checked. Thankfully, that slip of mine was inconsequential and there was no damage whatsoever. I would have felt even worse if that had caused the sortie after me to be cancelled. Oh well, mistakes like these will not be repeated again for sure, since I am the one making them. The smart way is to learn from the mistakes of others of course, because it will be horrible if I make them all by myself. Fuck man.

The Baron does not seem to like me very much, I am still not very good at making 'her' respond well to my control inputs. Damn that bitch. The Cessna was a lot more forgiving. It is my fault for not being good enough, yet. I can only hope and pray I will master it in time for the next progress check, and I will. For now, I will get over today's boo boo by sulking in my room, just for this evening.

Nabei!!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Have not found the time to blog lately... training has been rather intense and there is still lots to read up on. The internet connection is another factor as I am unable to connect to the network most of the time. I suppose that is a good thing though, one less distraction out of the way.

Today is one of the rare days that I have time to mull over my thoughts, something I have not done lately. I had a lot of things on my mind over the past few days but they were fleeting and I did not get a chance to reflect on them. I have lost them now, but I am sure that they will come back to me if it requires my attention. Sometimes, it is better not to think too much.

The situation has changed now that I am in the nav phase for the Baron. It is harder to get my sorties done as there is just not enough slots for everyone. I have already been bumped off a couple of times, something which I am obviously not too happy about. It is not necessarily fair but I accept it because I understand the situation. Besides, my progress has been decent up til now and I am lucky to have a very dedicated instructor. I have to count my blessings, if not I will just be one unhappy soul. Oh well.

I have been in a rather bitchy mood lately, something which I am not proud of and I blame it on PMS heh. I usually keep it in, so what I feel inside is not reflected outside. However, I find that I am much less tolerant when it comes to certain characters. I just don't feel the love and have basically signed them off. Not that I am nasty or anything, I just don't give a shit, that's all. Perhaps, it is a poor mentality to have but hey, I never said I was an angel. Besides if I get annoyed one time too many, the mean edge in me surfaces.

Having said that, no matter how mean and intolerant I may sound sometimes, my comments are just as far as it gets. Simply put, I am civil and I will still be fair, I will just not go out of my way to be nice.

Moving on, my lifestyle is catching up with me. It sounds strange, considering I am in Perth, but I have to slow down and spend more time with myself. While I really enjoy the company of others, I miss my 'me-alone' time. I think I should get the balance back, it will do me a lot of good.

It is a lovely Sunday and I am off to enjoy the rest of the day!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Another good friend of mine completed his training and left on Friday night and the college now seems so much quieter without him around. His presence is already missed but it is fortunate that I now have my room mate, YJ with me, . This is the way I always feel this way everytime someone close to me leaves this place. I should have gotten used to it by now, but I am not. Still, life goes on and it will be my turn to leave, soon enough.

This week has been intense for me but it is a very fulfilling one. I have completed my conversion onto the Baron and on schedule. It has been exhausting and a real challenge but in terms of holding it all together, I think I am doing just fine. From next week on, things will get even more intense, all the way until my final progress check. Definitely not comfortable, but I will survive and keep a positive attitude.

I have been running a lot more often now, thanks to my room mate who is even more disciplined than I. YJ is a lot of fun and it is great that we have many things in common and do most things together. It is our conversations that I enjoy the most as I thrive on communication.

Living for all the moments that make me happy now... I am glad there is so much to look forward to. With great enthusiasm, I plunge into everything that thrills me. I am starting to live life once again.

=)

Friday, May 08, 2009

The hyperactivity has been kicking in and I am feeling an all-time high. On top of the intensive workload, the buzz of activities have been non-stop. Though I have loads of energy, I am starting to feel the burn very soon. Having said that, I am the happiest I have ever been since the day I arrived.

There are many things that I would like to share here but as it is, I often have less to write about when I am keeping myself busy and in good spirits. I will probably catch up with my writing when I do not feel so tired and have less to do.

For now, I just want to catch up on my sleep and prepare for tomorrow and then, I can enjoy the weekend. It will be lovely and I am looking forward to it.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Whoooosh! I felt the power and it was totally awesome! I did my first 2 sorties on the Baron today and it was simply fantastic. Just by saying the callsign and requesting for full length is enough to make me feel different! There were many things I had to get used to all over again and everything happens twice as fast but I should be more comfortable after a few more sorties. I had a big, big smile on my face for the rest of the day. Looking forward to the next sortie tomorrow!

I had a great run in the evening but I think I caught a cold because it was quite chilly. I just hope I don't fall ill and if I do, it will be my first time over here.

Coming back to Jandakot is not as bad as I thought it would be after the good time I had in Singapore. Time seemed to have stopped for me and things are going pretty smoothly for a start. Also, having a room mate makes things a lot more cheery and fun. It is great to have female company in a place like this and even better, that we are on the same frequency, spontaneous and like doing the same things.

Seems like the rest of my stay here is looking to be all good. I will make the most out of it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Goodbye Singapore, hello Jandakot. Time has passed all too quickly and it is now time for me to head back to Perth. I had a great time whilst I was here and all good things unfortunately, come to an end, albeit a little too soon.

Over here, I am exhausted from being out most of the time but it is well worth it. My heart is already feeling a little heavy as I have to leave all the people who are dear to me. I am not feeling excited about going back but luckily, this time round, I will only be there for another 3 months or so.

Sigh.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I am now at my final phase here in Jandakot. Exciting and new challenges await me and the learning curve steepens again. It is something to look forward to and as it is with all things new, it is always good fun.

For now, I will just enjoy my break.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tomorrow marks yet another turning point in my training and I am feeling strangely calm about it. I hope I maintain the same composure tomorrow and deliver my best. I am really looking forward to the break and may it all go according to plan. With this, I commit it all to the Lord, then it is time to move on to the final phase.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

It is too early to say whether I will be able to make it back to Singapore on the 15th but as it is, things are going according to plan. I have gotten permission to go back but I will only book my ticket when I pass my Phase 3 check.

I have cleared the theory check today, now all that remains to be seen is how well I do tomorrow and for the progress check of course. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Today I woke up and it was as if I am seeing the world with new eyes. It is really kind of hard to explain, but if I were to try and describe it, it was like a new level of awareness in me had come alive, filling me with inspiration, passion and wonder all over again. I really wish there is a better way that I can share and express all these feelings but for now, I just want to write down my thoughts.

These feelings become alive in me once in awhile, but ever since I started my training here, they have remained dormant for some time. Perhaps it is just the environment and the people here. It is not all that bad really, but I am subject to negativity and complaints everyday that it is just hard not to be affected. There are many times where I am surrounded by people, yet feel like the loneliest person in the world. Couple that with the stress and uncertainty, I eventually allow myself to become disillusioned and jaded.

It is ironic that I have the opportunity to pursue something that I love, but yet feel like shit most of the time. There are the occasional moments of joy but they last as long as a sugar high and then I crash again. I have had to deal with many personal issues and move on from a failed relationship. There are so many times I wish I can just have a good cry but something in me just blocks out the pain I should be feeling. In a way, it is good that I am able to compartmentalize my feelings because it serves its purpose and keeps me going. Though, even if I was not able to, I will not allow myself to crash and burn.

I appreciate honesty and though it can be brutal sometimes, it is still better than living a lie. Then again, sometimes I contradict myself. Do I really know what I want or what I should do? Well, sometimes I have momentary lapses of judgement. All I want is a peace of heart and mind, but for certain aspects of my life, I do not have that.

I just want to share this verse from the bible:

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see. Hebrew 11:1


The verse resonates with how I am living my life right now. Faith has done many wonderful things for me and I will continue to keep it that way.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Nabei... managed to hit my head really hard against the extended flaps, not once, but twice today. It still hurts like a bitch, but I guess I am lucky not to get a gash. Anyhow, I did the last of my navigation solos today and this time, there were no dramas. I have clocked enough PIC hours for now and that leaves me more time to concentrate on the remaining duals.

As always, there are mixed feelings. While I am happy to have gotten them out of the way, I know I will really, really miss the freedom of being up there alone.

Moving on, I am getting well and truly irritated with the way some people are doing things over here. My comments, with regards to this shall be reserved for another time as I am feeling tired. For now, I will just fuck it and keep my opinions to myself.

Yesterday night, I finally had the time to watch Marley and Me, a movie I have been wanting to watch for ages. Sad to say, it fell way below my expectations. The dog I had grown to know and love while reading the book was well, just a plain old dog in the movie. The heartwarming tale about the life of Marley the dog and the lives he touched was turned into a mediocre plot about the author and his family. Actually, there was not even a plot, there was no development, no climax, no anything. It was just very deadpan and boring to say the least. No one really gives a hoot about Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson running after a dog who crashes into things and leaves a trail of destruction. At least, I know I don't. If you don't already know my opinion, I think the book is a million times better.

Cold, tired and time for bed. Signing off.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Perth is becoming too cold for my liking and I really dread the onset of winter. The days are getting shorter and the nights, longer and colder. These days I find it harder and harder to leave the warmth and comfort of my blanket, or the running hot water when I shower.

I am looking forward to going back to Singapore for that short break, back to everything that is familiar to me.

My nav solo today went well but the aircraft that was assigned to me was the one with a recent history of engine failures. Normally, I would lean the mixture to 9 US gallons enroute but at cruise rpm and mixture full rich, I got a reading of 8 US gallons. When I powered back to 1900rpm for descent, the gauge read less than 5 US gallons, which was quite alarming. So I played withe the attitude to give me 500 fpm rate of descent without touching the throttle.

There was also a slight scare for me and one of my coursemates as there was a near mid-air collision. I was maintaining an altitude of 5500 and our paths converged when he was on climb to the same level. He looked up and saw me in time and levelled off, missing me me by 500ft as I zoomed past. We thought we were well clear of each other, having last communicated our intentions on the CTAF frequency. A lesson to be learnt here, never assume and always, always keep a look out.

On my way back to Jandakot, I saw two big eagles at my 11 o'clock high at close proximity. It was really quite amazing to see these glorious birds of prey up close, though they could have posed a real danger to me.

Coming in for landing was another concern for me as I still had the problem of an unusually low fuel flow reading and I needed to power back to 1400rpm on the base leg. Again, I used attitude control to get my speed back to lower flaps and came in really fast on finals. I only idled the throttle at 300ft as by then, I was quite fast and needed to lose the excess height. Thank God, there were no dramas upon touch down.

I will really miss doing my solos and I will only have to clock 4 more PIC hours at before I am done. I wonder when I will get a chance to experience such freedom again, maybe perhaps in the near future when I am fully licensed.

Last night, I received a phone call and though nothing is confirmed at this stage, it all seems to be moving forward towards something positive. I do hope to make use of my time back in Singapore to secure something for the future. It will not be immediate but I have a feeling, it might be soon enough. That, I will leave it to God.

Monday, March 30, 2009

BKN030. I had to cancel my navigation solo today because of the low cloud base. Instead, I did two general handling solos as I would have no problem with the terrain clearance in the training area. I climbed to an altitude of 3000ft initially but found myself in cloud so I had to descend to and maintain 2500ft.

It was absolutely lovely and I was happy to be up there all by myself for two whole hours. For the first time, I brought my Ipod along and I had one earphone in my ear under my headset, while keeping a listening watch at the same time. I enjoyed the experience so much more with music to keep me company and I was happily singing and dancing in my seat without a care in the world. But of course, at the same time, I was maintaining my altitude and heading discipline and keeping an active lookout.

I did climbing and descending rate 1 turns over the Peel Inlet and when I found a single clear patch in the broken cloud, I climbed another 1000ft. The mass of clouds still looked very ominous so I descended back down, enjoying the sight of the feathery wisps of cloud as they parted over the windscreen.

It is for moments like these that I live for and I revel in them I did. I keep them close to my heart.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Another emo moment for me... I do not know what is up with me these days, but I think deep down, I do know what is bothering me. There are many thoughts that I cannot express in words and only God knows what is truly in my heart. The feelings become more pronounced when I am lying in bed and about to drift off to sleep and though they do not keep me awake, I would rather have a peace of mind. No matter how bad I feel sometimes, I will just have to keep myself happy and move on to happier things. I trust that the Lord will set things right again.

On a happier note, I received a couple of emails which cheered me up quite a bit, one from my piano teacher and one from a lady in church who did bible study with me. It has been awhile since I last emailed them and it is uncanny that they both should suddenly contact me at the same time to ask how I am. The people I have met in my life are really a blessing to me I really treasure them. There are also some that I am glad to have known but rather not at the same time. I guess it all comes down to how I choose to look at it. Sigh.

My sortie went decently well yesterday. Though I felt dizzy from the turbulence and screwed up here and there, I did have my saving graces. There are a few areas that I need to work on but I am glad that my instructor says I will have no problem on the Baron. I must continue to progress and improve and hopefully come back to Singapore for a short break after I pass my progress check. I am so looking forward to it and it gives me something to work towards!

Keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Things are all good for the moment and my pace, though a little too fast, has kept a good momentum going on for me. I have come up with my own ways to deal with things that I am not too happy about. Other than that, the Lord tells me not to worry and that I am in good hands. I believe Him.

It is no surprise to me that a lot of guys are really jerks, many of whom, are wolves in sheep's clothing. There are nice men around of course, but they are mostly taken. However, in this day and age, some women are no better either. Oh well, I am really beginning to accept such flaws in people because a lot of things are circumstantial and some things just don't make sense anymore. Oh well, I am not going to concern myself with the matters of the heart. Now is not a good time.

I have decided that I am not going to give up on anything, just that I have to be patient. As long as I don't give up on myself, no one can tell me otherwise.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Some people only think for themselves and have absolutely no regard for others. If I were to blog about how annoyed I am, it will take all day. I have no respect for such individuals but I am willing to close one eye if their actions do not affect me directly. However, this time might be different and I am just waiting to see what will happen next. However, having said that, I will still maintain my professional stance and conduct myself properly when it comes to such matters.

From my last post, I have been feeling significantly better. Although I still feel overwhelmed, there is a nice flow of things which I am happy with. I only need to clock 14 more solo hours and I am 3 duals away from my progress check. On top of that, I still have an instrument rating exam to study for. Though my instructor is happy with my progress so far, I myself, am not too sure. I still feel there is a lot of room for improvement but I will trust my instructor's assessment. The next 3 sorties will be a true measure of how ready I am. Afterall, I don't know what I don't know and that is the God honest truth.

Being busy is good, I need the focus and I want to do well for this phase. It also takes my mind off negative thoughts and feelings that sometimes creep up. Oh well, back to my studies now. I miss home and my mommy.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I am pretty happy with my performance for yesterday's sortie. IFR is still something that is pretty new to me, but I love the procedures, RT calls and even the airwork, just simply, the 'structure' of it all. There is still much to learn and improve on of course, but I since I had a good start, I have a strong feeling things are going to go well. I also enjoyed the night circuits which I did, despite my initial hesitation on having to choose a runway that I was not familiar with. That turned out alright and I had good fun. Overall, it was a very fulfilling day for me and I hope that it will remain that way for the rest of my stay here.

I admit have been feeling a bit emo over the past few days and it is not something I want to talk about. The onset of the PMS symptoms does not help as it just makes these feelings more pronounced. I just feel very lonely, even though I am surrounded by people whom I can talk to. There are many things I keep to myself as there is no one here that I can connect with on a deeper level. Everything is just on a superficial level and people come and go, a lot of my good friends have already gone home. Half the college is now made up of cadets whose names I do not even know. The longer I stay here, the more I feel detached. Things are actually good for me, but at this moment, I just want to finish my training and get the fuck out of here. There is no real motivation for me to want to go back, just my family, dogs and my friends back home.

Today, I woke up with a heavy heart again and I talked to God for half an hour and now I feel a lot more comforted. I told myself, no more of this self-pity bullshit and I must not lose sight of the fact that I am better than the way I let myself feel.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The backside starts itching whenever I am in the west, this time in Western Australia... however I won't elaborate on that. Another good friend just left tonight and while I am happy for him, I also feel sad seeing him go. One by one, all these people that I have grown accustomed to, all leave this place.

I am starting to write more often these days as I have all these thoughts and feelings resurfacing again and I need an outlet to let them out. Of course not many people reading my entries will know what I am talking about, but that does not matter.

As I get closer and closer to my goal, I must not let my focus waver. I am working myself to the ground but I must keep going, everything will all fall into place.

I just know because God told me so.

Friday, March 13, 2009

For something that is not real, it is strangely painful and strangely disappointing.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I question the games that we all play at some point in our life. If things to do with the affairs of the heart are a game, then is there really such a thing as true love? It seems that the notion of true love is diminishing these days and at the end of it, we don't know what is real anymore. At least, I don't anyway.

There are a few kinds of love that I believe in, and those are the ones towards God, my family, dogs and some of my closer friends. Other than that, I am just not sure anymore. I don't like the games people play, but if it has to come down to that, it is one that I want to win.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

The view of the glittering lights from 1000ft above mesmerized me and it was on this beautiful moonlit night, that I cleared my first night solo. It is a glorious feeling of exhilaration and relief and I know I had very worked hard to deserve this.

My sortie in the early morning went very well too and I was happy with my performance. I want to be progressively better and I hope that it is in this phase that I will truly start to shine. I am on a personal mission and the renewed motivation is working wonders for me.

Let's just hope I can continue to keep this up.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

A lot has happened since my last update but I do not even know where to begin. There have been moments which have made me happy but there are also those that fill me with a certain kind of sadness.

Although I have had quite a lot of free time to write all these shit down, I have lost the desire to express my thoughts and feelings here. I am ashamed to say that I have been distracted and have grown distant from God, yet he has continued bless me with things that are in my favour.

I thought I had found what I wanted but I have been disappointed once again. Now I do not know what I want anymore and where to go on from here. Subconsciously, my mind has blocked out most of the emotions that might bog me down so that I can keep it all together. I am glad that my previous experiences have made me strong and that really counts right now.

Apart from everything that has happened, things have been going well for me here. I am into the third phase of my training now and the steep learning curve and the overwhelming workload is starting to close in on me. It is imperative that I do not lose focus now and that I keep my shit together. I am just extremely grateful to those who have helped me all this while. With all my heart, I really love what I am doing now and I have faith it will all work out just fine.

I hope I can rise above any occasion and not be distracted along the way. I miss home very much and I miss my friends. Now that some things are not in its place, I cannot be truly happy for now. I do know that I am happy enough, though not really at peace with myself.

For now, I will be content with whatever small victories that I have. Someday, perhaps very soon, I will get the happiness I deserve.

Monday, February 02, 2009

I need the most enormous amount of willpower to break me out of the inertia that has begun to hold me ransom. It is all fine and well when there is the momentum to keep me going, but as soon as all the activity dwindles down to almost nothing, it is an uphill task to get things moving once again.

It is a rut that I am continually finding myself in and I can feel myself slowly deteriorating. I seem to have lost touch with God and my inspiration, often losing sleep at night due to restless thoughts that keep me awake at night. This is one phase I do not really wish to go through.

On a more sombre note, I have to block out the unhappiness which has been affecting my emotional state. I am really quite disappointed that the issues could not be resolved. Now I am just numb and when I get that way, I just want to move on and leave it all behind.

Friday, January 09, 2009

I had a freaky nightmare in the wee hours of the morning. Though I cannot remember most of it, the parts that scared me were quite vivid. It has been a long time since I last had a nightmare and I hope after the one I just had, I won't experience another anytime soon. The nightmares that I had as a child were quite horrific and I can still recall them til this day. No more I hope, else I will be afraid to go to sleep at night.

Moving on, I had a small victory today! I cleared my navigation solo check on my first attempt. To me, this is a milestone that marks this journey so far. I felt I had a lot to prove and I managed to rise to the occasion.

I had done a lot of preparation beforehand and though it does help a lot, there is always something new that I am not prepared for. The check instructor put a fair amount of pressure on me for the entire sortie and it was quite mentally exhausting to say the least. However, I realize I can handle that kind of pressure, in fact, it made me perform better than I ever did before this. It is just not comfortable heh. Altitude and heading was maintained to standard and I was on more or less on track and on time for the entire navigation exercise. The checks and the navigation technique were generally satisfactory but he wanted me to fine tune it and navigate in even greater detail. That was the tough bit as I was not that disciplined before. It was tough planning ahead and trying to get positive fixes and deciding what to prioritize first. The cycle of activity never stops and there is plenty of mental calculation to be done.

I was totally not prepared for the IFR traffic over at Cunderdin and I did not know what all the calls meant. This is the first time I am experiencing so much traffic in a CTAF aerodrome and I had to learn on the spot. I began to have a mental picture of all that is going on and how it will affect me. I joined for circuits, did 2 touch and gos, departed and carried on from there.

It was not a perfect sortie and there were many things to pick on but I managed to correct my mistakes and keep improving throughout the route. I learnt a lot from this check and I will continue to refine my techniques to be better.

Poot Poot and I had a lovely time celebrating my small success but now, all I want to do is knock myself out and sleep. Thank you God for everything.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I don't know who was more shocked this morning, me or one of the new cadets who burst into my room by mistake. What if I had been changing!??! He probably did not expect a female occupant but whatever, I am more irritated by the fact that the door slamming has started all over again. It always happens whenever a new course moves into the rooms along the same corridor. Is it so difficult to turn the bloody door knob?

Today is quite a big day for me but the forecast shows moderate turbulence, well will just see how it goes. God knows best.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The Lord has set things right, as always. All I had to do is entrust everything into His hands and have faith, it is as easy as that. When you believe, you will receive. I just know that whatever the outcome, it is for the best, even if I cannot see it now, it will all be revealed in the future.

There is no drama afterall and I really glad, thank God. The last thing I want is to be a star in some real life soap opera. Just keep me out of the spotlight, leave me to do my thing and I will be happy.

Moving on, I did a nav sortie with my instructor yesterday. I was quite sure I prepared very well on ground, but it did not do very much to prepare me for how different things can be up in the air. For one, a lot of the towns and key features look very different from Google Earth and the pictures I have seen. When I look down, all I see are patches of endless brown and a mish mash of tracks I am not sure if are roads, powerlines, train tracks or rivers. It is also difficult to tell which hill or mountain is which in relation to the map, because they all look the bloody same. Though, some are a much more distinct than the rest.

Then, there is the light turbulence and thermals that make it hard to maintain altitude and tolerance is +/- 150ft. The forecast winds which I used for my planning is totally different from the actual wind. Nabei.

It was a route I was totally unfamiliar with. I drifted off track to the left on my first leg and was unable to get a position fix to to a 1 in 60 calculation. Luckily, I know how the town Northam looks like and it is very distinctive. I positively identified the town and the time confirmed it, so I tracked perpendicular towards the town.

The second leg to Quairading was shit too. I was cruising at an altitude that made it difficult for me to spot the town from a distance. On top of that, the winds made me drift to well left of track, which had hardly any features! Again, I was screwed, I could not get any position fix to do a 1 in 60 correction. So I waited until I came to another town, did the same thing and once I knew where I was, I followed a highway to track straight to Quairading.

I was given a diversion from Quairading to Beverly. Nabei, again wind made me drift to the right of track where there are hardly any features! I had to do the same thing to get to Beverly town. I found it with some difficulty and I felt ready to give up.

Then, I got another diversion to Murray Field. It was a long leg of about 60NM. I could see all the prominent features from a distance already. When I did my clearoff checks, I realized that fuck, my compass and DGI was like misaligned by 35 degrees. No wonder always off track lah! It is my fault for not having the patience to wait for the lag to settle to make sure it is really aligned. I only did a cursory check due to the high workload. Huge lesson learnt there, I must make it a point to check every 5 mins.

I had a very good leg back. After I sorted out what was causing me problems, things came together nicely. I was not exactly familiar with the area but I had many good features to give myself positive features. It was turbulent and the winds blew me off track, as expected. But since I had positive fixes, I was able to do a 1 in 60 correction and and that worked out beautifully. I was also able to do a groundspeed check and all my figures were spot on. It was the leg which I redeemed myself and I employed the navigation techniques up to standard. Went back to Jandakot with no dramas heh.

I was cleared to go for my Nav solo check, which I will be doing this Friday. Lucky me! I was given the same route which was just described, with only a small difference for the last leg. I have ample time to prepare for it and I must do it well. I am glad I screwed up the sortie so much, if not, I will not be able to learn from the possible mistakes that can happen and fuck up the major check.

It is like another first circuit solo and first area solo all over again. I pray I will perform well.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Today, one of the worship leaders came out of nowhere and started praying for me towards the end of the church service. I was taken aback as she knew what was deep in my heart even though I did not say anything. A strange sense of comfort fell over me like a blanket and I could most definitely feel the Lord's presence. I teared as I thanked the lady and I will bear her words in mind.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Every morning I wake up to the sound of 2 women bitching in Cantonese... on and on and on they go. They are in charge of the overall cleanliness of the college but it seems that they are starting to think they own the whole college. They'd find numerous things to pick on and then complain to anyone who would listen. I do sympathize with them sometimes because some characters are really inconsiderate and all these things snowball. But having said that, this is getting out of hand and it is making many people very irritated. I really don't understand why people would want to find things to be unhappy about. If there are fewer of such negative characters around, the world would be a better place. How the negativity sucks me dry, it is like a dark ominous cloud that casts a shadow over me. No wonder so many people cannot wait to complete their training and get the fuck out of here.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Mulled over the recent events that have upset me and I have arrived at a conclusion... Many factors are beyond my control, so I will focus on those I can do something about. God knows best and it is out of my hands now. I am going to forgive, I only pray that things will be contained and die down.