Monday, November 15, 2010

I could have been very upset today, but my heart was prepared and I was calm and I did not waver.

Then I understood... what I chose to see would make all the difference, so I made my choice and listened to God.

I am glad I did.
These 2 weeks have never felt longer and this is the first time I am ever looking forward to a Monday.

I hope and pray that today, everything will be ok.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

10 weeks and the wait was finally over. It was a slight scramble to get prepared as we barely had 2 days of notice in advance.

Yet another sleepless night plagued me and I was kept awake by restless thoughts. When I could finally fall asleep, I was dogged by a nightmare where I had to report for duty but certain items of my uniform had gone missing I was in panic mode. I woke up barely 2 hours later, drained, and more tired than when I had gone to bed.

I arrived at the airport early and when the rest of my guys had turned up, we had a quick briefing on what is to be expected out of today's training exercise. One of us had to fly out of Changi to Senai and one of us had to fly back. I had this feeling I would have to go first and we drew lots, true enough, I was number 1. A shiver of excitement ran down my spine.

There was no time to waste, everything was done quickly and methodically. Once everything done, I got clearance to start the engines. The sound of the engines spooling to life was music to my ears and when we cleared the ground crew to disconnect, I eased her gently onto the taxiway, careful not to be too jerky when steering.

We got the clearance for takeoff after a 15 minute delay, I lined up and advanced the thrust levers smoothly forward and we were off! The rush of speed and power was exhilarating! At the call to rotate, I pitched up the nose up to 15 degrees and flew the flight directors and I flew manually for the next 1 hour and 20 minutes without engaging the autopilot. It was a dream to fly.

I did an ILS approach on the way in and patches of broken cloud obscured my view, I was cleared for visual circuits at 1500ft. My rate of descent on finals was constant until about 50ft and it started to shallow when I was correcting for the centreline. I touched down and took off again, did 2 more circuits and 1 missed approach. I was happy with my performance and my landings today, which was a great relief. I changed seats with the next guy on downwind, I had completed the exercise. The other 3 guys took turns to do the same exercise and the last guy flew back to Changi and landed.

We all made it and we now put in the paperwork for the endorsement on our licenses. The happiness I felt today made me forget my pain and sadness over the past 1.5 weeks, though bittersweet. The first person I had wanted to call to share the good news is him but that will have to wait until things are resolved.

But for tonight, I think I will finally have a good night's rest.

:)

Monday, November 08, 2010

A troubled night's sleep culminated in an emotion-filled morning filled with despair, then an unexpected ray of hope pierced the gloom. Feelings of hope and fear are intertwined, but I will just have to find out soon enough. I have my own answers but I can only continue to pray about this.

Perhaps, God is putting me through this period of uncertainty and tribulation to draw me closer to Him and prepare me for something bigger.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Yesterday, realization struck me and I know what I must do. I pray with my all my heart that my words will get through.

Friday, November 05, 2010

The mornings, when I wake up, are the worst, so much so that I dread the moment I rouse from slumber. My energy has ebbed away to near nothingness and I am listless. I cannot remember when was the last time I felt this weak and I realized, that I am not as tough and strong as I thought I was.

The questions that were pounding my mind continue to haunt me and all I want to do is to pick up my phone and resolve everything and put an end to my torment, but it will only serve to destroy what little hope that is left.

It is ironic that the traits that have gotten me through in life, have turned out to be a double-edged sword and a fatal flaw, even when I really give it my best and have never taken anything for granted. Why?

Perhaps, for the first time in my life, my capacity to give and my feelings know no bounds and now, I understand the true meaning of the word unconditional.

The little girl in me weeps.
Today, my dear brother forwarded me a text message which gave me great comfort.
"The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying precious seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them" Psalm 126:3-6

With God, our sorrows are neither wasted nor worthless. Instead, our sorrows, in the Lord, are made productive and precious, for God cherishes deeply the seeds of sorrow we sow, and He rewards us richly with a harvest of joy. It is a worthy endeavour to learn how to sorrow, not as the world sorrows, but to sorrow in the Lord, because in God's economy, sorrow becomes, by His miracle of grace, the price we pay for joy.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Hanging by a thread, one as fine as the silver strands of a spider's web. The balance is delicate and the fragments that remain will only shatter into dust and be lost forever if I give it the wrong push.

Sometimes, when I feel like I can no longer bear it anymore, I have to will every fiber of my being to just remain still. For someone who likes to nip things in the bud, it is hell for me just to let it be, especially when the status of things remains murky at best.

I have done a lot of thinking and self-reflection and I have found my own answers, I know what I want and what needs to be done, then I will find my own closure when the time comes.

It does not seem to be final and though it is a torture to be left hanging, I will maintain a dignified silence. I do not know when and I do not know how long, but one day, it shall all come to pass.