Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Every time shit happens and you come out the better of it, you evolve as a person. The more shit you go through, the more you evolve and the stronger you become. It is part of the character building process. So with all the shit, inner struggles, pain and disappointments I have had to endure over the years, it is to prepare me for a much bigger purpose.

I think I understand now. I will be needing all the resilience and tenacity to see myself through. I got a sign today, I will act on it and see what happens.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Things are getting better and I am filled with gladness in my heart. I am very grateful to the people who have expressed their concern for my family and I and I cannot give enough thanks to the church members who have been visiting us regularly and praying for us. The genuine sincerity and the kindness extended to us by strangers who have become friends, leaves me overwhelmed.

The major worries are slowly ebbing away by the power of prayer, but something else always crops up in its place. Now I am left to contend with me and my own issues. There is a decision I want to make and it will change my whole life.

I am really struggling within and all I want to do now is cry. I realized that nearly all my life, I have subconsciously been trying to get my mom to approve of me, and be proud of me, without much success. I always seem to rub her the wrong way and I can never make her happy. Then I stumbled upon the only thing that makes me motivated and come alive. It also happens to be the very thing she wants me to give up. What she thinks is best for me and what I think is best for myself is worlds apart.

I am so freaking torn between wanting to obey her and going for what I really want and think is good for me. Talking to her plants this huge seed of self doubt, she really makes me feel that I simply cannot do anything right and that is too much to take. I have been on emotional tenderhooks all week and this issue is the one motherfucker that tips me over the edge. Now, the tears just cannot stop flowing.

I cannot seem to find comfort anywhere except in God. Now I am not so sure what he wants of me.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

It was an emotionally-charged day and I have forgotten how good it feels to cry. The tears are a release that blankets the soul in comfort. Too much to think about, I can only look for guidance. What will I do?
Being at home with two emo, angst-ridden , poo-eating dogs is not fun at all. I cannot help but give a wry smile when I open the door to my mother's bedroom and see Miko and Nicky dash in with a hopeful look on their faces. You can literally see their crestfallen expressions when they fail to find my mother, after searching every nook and cranny of the room.

Miko has been waiting at the door at the usual time every evening for my mom to walk in through the front door. It is quite heart-breaking to see the woebegone look in her eyes when she finally gives up and she slinks to her corner.

I have never seen a dog do a better 'Oh my God, what the fuck?' expression than Miko. When she saw the kibbles I poured into her bowl, she literally threw her head back and looked up to the heavens with that look. It was so comical I cannot help but to burst out laughing.

At least there is still some cheer in my life, albeit in little spurts. It is enough to keep me going, I am just glad I am around. I have to shuttle between hospitals later, after going to church. My brother is still fine for now but is understandably affected by all that has happened. I am the only one who is not hit by dengue epidemic. Things just keep getting worse, yet better. Ain't it strange?

God is with us and for that I am glad.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Things just got unexpectedly worse... more than what I was prepared to handle. But somewhere, deep within me, I found calm I never knew I had. There seemed to be an invisible force guiding me and somehow, I realized I had already anticipated what I should do.

When shit happens, just rise to the occasion and fucking deal with it.

Whatever happened tonight jolted me out of the melancholy that has been hounding me for the past week. There is simply no room for any emo shit and in its place, a steely calm and renewed strength takes residence. I have been distracted for too long, bound by obligations and blinded by false hopes. I am setting my priorities right this time. Hopefully by doing so, I would regain some semblance of that organized chaos I seem to thrive in.

You know, it is really uncanny how I seem to ask questions that provide me with the answers that I need most. One such question popped into my mind when I was having tea with my brother.

Me: "When you are feeling down and you need a source of comfort, who is the person that
aways comes to mind?"

Bro: "My girlfriend." (I thought that was incredibly sweet by the way...)

Me: "Who would you turn to next?"

Bro: "You and mommy."

Me: "And after mommy and I?"

Bro: "Derek."

The few people that often come to mind in your dire times of distress are the rocks in your life, or your pillars of strength. They are the ones who are always constant, take the time to listen and at appropriate times, give valuable advice that you would actually heed. They are the people you can message or call at whim without being afraid you would be 'bothering them'. Most importantly, to me at least, you can share your deeper thoughts with them because they'd be able to relate and their company almost always make you feel better. And vice versa of course.

It is a healthy relationship that exists between you and those special people in your life. Those are the ones that you should make time for. They put the cheer back into your life and suddenly, the world seems brighter once again.

Sometimes, you simply do not have time for everyone, so choose who you spend your time with wisely.

Then I put my own life into perspective. I have many close friends but no one I can really consider my 'pillars of strength' because they are not constant. They just 'happen to be around' at different times, but still kind enough to lend a listening ear. I do not expect much, afterall, something is better than nothing, isn't it?

However, that is not enough to negate the hollow feeling I have come to recognize when it surfaces. One day, I will not have to feel that way anymore. All in good time I say...

A friend's wise words struck a chord. He said that God only gives us enough grace for one day and that when a new day begins, we get grace for that day again. I think it makes a lot of sense to live each day happily as it comes, because we do not know what happens tomorrow.

I speak to Him in prayer and I know I am not alone because God is with me.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Too much, too much on my mind... I am numb with fear, oh god... I hope I know what to do...

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Much has been on my mind lately and it is almost impossible to grasp the torrent of thoughts flooding my mind and trying to make sense out of them.

When that happens, I stop trying and just well, fuck it. Really.

Not that I don't give a damn... I do. Just that I always believe that things will work itself out if I stop stuggling and keep the faith. More often than not, the outcome is better than expected, because I know the Lord is by my side. God has bestowed his many blessings and grace upon me and my family and for that, I am eternally grateful.

My mom messaged me with a piece of good news when I was in Perth. Then she said something unexpected. She said, "I believe in prayer now, it works. I feel happy." Her words touched me deeply and I know that He has answered my own prayers for her to believe in Him, all in good time.

And yes, all in good time it is. I will be patient with regards to certain matters. If things are meant to happen a certain way, everything will click seamlessly into place. It has happened many times in various aspects of my life. Harmony, balance and faith brings meaning into my life.

I end this entry now for I will embark on a 7 day 'pilgrimmage' trip to Abu Dhabi. It will be an excellent opportunity for me to spend time catching up with myself. Unless of course, I meet interesting people to hang out and go sightseeing with. If not, I will just fuck off and disappear until the time I have to report for work. Peace and God bless.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Having listened to my daddy talk over lunch and dinner today, I have come to realize that the older generation tend to live in the past, one event after another, all recalled with startling detail. It was interesting to listen to initially, but after awhile, I started to become a bit weary.

I am someone who casts her vision far ahead and I believe in living for now. The past is something I visit only when something jolts my distant memory. Then, I am suddenly reminded of the movie Big Fish and I could really relate to the characters in it.

Then, I understood the subtle but powerful message behind the movie.
How about we talk about the things that made me smile today?

My day started very early and I went for a run that is long due. The initial inertia was easily overcome but I got bored after 2.4 km. Saw many dogs out for their morning walk. A lovely German Shephard puppy I have never seen before caught my eye. I could determine his gender rightaway by the way he peed hehe!;p He had a bashful look on his face, a total sweetheart.

Then I saw a kitten soaking up the morning sun on a window sill with eyes closed... it was pure bliss for the little fella and I dare say, simple contentment.

The time to myself did me a lot of good but I am going to need a bit more. I am all smiles once again and I am looking forward to tomorrow.

=)

Friday, June 01, 2007

Really, it irks me big time when people think they know me oh so well. Sad to say, it is not just one, but a few who are guilty of it. Yesiree. Here's the big news... for some reason, I get ESPECIALLY irritated by that assumption. So if you happen to think you know what's on my mind, what I will say or how I will react to something... I suggest you keep it to yourself.

But of course there are the exceptions of course... I was ranting to poor Capt Teh. over MSN and I think I must have sounded quite fierce, peppering my emo outburst with a little bit of colourful language coz he kept quiet.

(BTW, an emo outburst from me is not something I do often, but I am truly fed up with some shit.)

Finally, he said he is not going to comment and provide me with solutions because it seems to him that I just want to let off some steam.

So smart, he is not one of my closest friends for nothing. I am not asking for advice, I just want to bitch.
"Can you sit with me for landing?" the little girl asked me with a hopeful expression on her face.

It was an innocent and simple request, but yet it touched my heart and put a genuine smile on my face. The 2 1/2 flight flight delay out of London gave me a rare opportunity to buddy up with some kids on ground. It amazes me how bright and observant children can be. My colleagye and I were surrounded and we had to answer a barrage of inquisitive questions from them. It struck me that I could actually have a conversation which I enjoy! It was nice to reminisce about my childhood and talk the toys and cartoons that I used to like.

When I want to shut myself away from the world for a bit, I do the solitary things that make me happy. Music, running, reading and a recent hobby I particularly love, comforts me. I do like good company but sometimes, it is just nice to be alone, which is what I want for now.

This was supposed to be an unhappy post, but as I was gathering all my angry thoughts into one big furyball for venting, I was interrupted. Unexpected and happy interruptions I must say.=) So now... I guess I kinda forgot why I was pissed off. Still, a number of people have been irritating the shit out of me over the past 2 weeks but right now, they can just talk to the hand coz they don't matter. Some friends have really disappointed me but I will get over it.

On a much brighter note, my prayers have been answered... It is a gesture of kindness beyond what I had hoped for. I keep my fingers crossed that all will go well.