Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I took it easy, went on 'auto pilot' and I managed to play like before. If I don't freeze up tomorrow, I should be fine. It is second nature if you are not so conscious of it. It is like riding a bike, swimming or driving a car, you never really forgot.

Just like I did not forget at all, so I let the 'auto pilot' in me take over. Not very reliable though, cocks up every now and then but I will trust it and let it do its magic tomorrow. I shan't bother about it anymore and just leave it to God.
The music is in my head but my fingers feel retarded and are not responding well to my mind's instructions. Each attempt seems painful and leaves me more frustrated than ever, causing me to fumble even more. The pieces I used to be able to play so beautifully sounds awkward and harsh to my ears. Though the essence and form of the music is still present, it is nothing like what I know I am capable of.

Damn it. The perfectionist in me is horrified and I am struck cold and literally paralyzed by the fear that grips my heart in an iron fist. I am suffering from a mental music block, not quite different from that of a writer's block. And now, I am afraid to go near the instrument I love so much.

My Grade 8 piano exam's tomorrow. There I said it.

I have not taken an exam in the longest time, having skipped a couple of grades and then stopping at the most crucial period for some years. I lost interest simply because at that time, I lost interest in life itself. There was just too much going on then.

I found renewed passion in playing the piano, my skills were slightly rusty but not lost, and I decided to continue. The flair was back but I resisted going for exams because I knew I was lazy and therefore, unprepared. I did not have the discipline which only came much later.

But now I do. However, there is an intense fear of exams and failure that is much stronger than before, until it almost becomes a trauma. It is not a life and death matter, but it is enough to fuck up my confidence.

I am so fucking tempted to just bolt far away and not turn up for the exam but I must face it. I am as shaken as hell but I will summon every ounce of my courage to go for it. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great nineteenth-century philosopher and poet sums it up best with this quote:

"Do the thing you are afraid to do, and the death of fear is certain."


Bloody hell, I quiver but I will steel my nerves as I look at fear in the eye. As I swallow my pride and admit my fear to the world, I am taking a step forward and I will not go down without a fight. As I end this entry, I am already feeling much better. I know what I must do.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I woke up this morning and I simply had to go for a run to lift the heaviness in my heart. I ran myself to the ground, not quite literally, but I ran and ran. I could have gone on for much longer but I stopped after 1 hour.

During this time, I immersed myself in music and I talked to God. I think I zoned out there and then, it was as if I got spirited to a place faraway. Then I felt much better... As I always do after a run and a heartfelt prayer.

The best decisions are not always the easiest to make. Oh hell no, not at all. But it has to be done and so I did. When I look far ahead, I can see that there is no place for me in that future. Because it is not just some temporary issue that will run its course, it is going to be a long-drawn-out affair that will be neverending. I understand that and I know that time waits for no man and that, this is perhaps, the best time.

When things are too good to be true, it usually is. Time will not bring back magical moments once it has passed but I am glad I cherished it and revelled in it. I basked in the glow of happiness there and then. It may be fleeting but at least I have plenty of these wondrous moments that make me feel blessed.

So with that being said and settled, I am at peace with myself. I am not going to bury myself in the pits of misery because I have faith that I am guided to do what is right. To be too independent is not necessarily a good thing sometimes but at least it minimizes the potential shit-loading in my life.

All is good and all is well. People around me are happy and my love and goodwill goes out to them. It may not be my turn now but the best is yet to come. I thank God for each and every individual who has touched my life, brought joy and laughter and put a smile on my face. There are blessings aplenty and I know things will re-align themselves to a harmonious union once more.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Shortlived joy seems to be the keynote of my life lately. The nitty-gritty of it all is that I simply cannot seem to talk or share my happiness with people, without jinxing it. The moment I talk about it, things start to go downhill.

Should I laugh or cry at the irony? It certainly feels like the joke's on me once again, the mother of twisted pranks galore. The scenario that springs immediately to mind is being able to have almost anything my heart desires, just that I am not supposed to talk about it.

So shit gets dumped in the garden that exists in my mind. I use it as the soil to sow seeds of goodwill, positivity, optimism and harmony. But that does that mean I am rid of all that shit? Nosiree. I simply put it to good use, nutrients to sow the seeds for my own personal growth. Different shit, different day and everytime I get another load of shit, I do the same thing.

My life has been rife with one disappointment too many. I tell myself it is ok, make peace with myself and I move on. But FUCK IT alright? It is not okay anymore. I am tired of playing nice, I am god damn sick and tired of it. My patience is wearing so thin, it is hanging by gossamer threads.

I have kept my alter ego buried for too long. The spoilt, twisted, irresponsible bitch is screaming at me to let her out. She wants to scream, cry, throw things and totally lose it. She wants to demand to have things go HER way.

But no, I will not allow myself to slip back into that kind of behavior. Not if I can help it. I will rationalize and be objective but I will not be there for convenience or to 'fill in'. Yes, a colourful and interesting life I have. However, at the end of the day, I just want to keep it simple and be fulfilled.

Is that too much to ask for?
While most aspects of my life have been cruising along just fine, one leaves a lot to be desired. Destinies intertwined but an ironic twist may set them apart once again. It may very well just peter out.

I can see where it is heading and it is not favourable. I recognize what I see and I know I will not like it. Only time will tell but I will only give it that much time.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

The feeling was simply out of this world!=) Again, I did not want to come back down to earth... Ironically, it was coming back down and 'kissing' the ground that thrilled me so. Because this time, I was guided to do it with my own effort.

It was an exhausting day but extremely fulfilling. My piano practice went well despite my fatigue and I managed to squeeze in a fast 30 min run tonight. I love running so much that I have been maintaining my running sessions on a regular basis.

Just me, my favourite music from my Ipod and my thoughts. The frame of time where I am at my mental peak. The rush of freedom and the feeling of weariness melting away with every step I take.

I have a long day tomorrow but I am looking forward to it. Now, I am all ready to crawl into bed.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Now that the festive celebrations for the lunar new year are almost over and done with, it is back to the grind for most of us. The Year of the Pig is MY year and yet, it is also one of the quietest ones I have ever had.

I had to pop in and out of the country as I had to do a couple of turnarounds on the eve and the 2nd day of CNY. Again, things did not start off well for me, but there was an unspoken truce yesterday and we made peace. Nothing more was said, but it will not be the last I hear of it.

So it is all good now, and it shall remain that way because I say it will. I have been very happy these days and I have had many things to smile about. Though, it is ironic how my happiness is marred with a looming shadow that lends a dark cast to the whole situation. That, I have decided to disregard and focus on something more worthwhile.

My life has always had some drama that I can do without but I am going to keep it as uncomplicated as possible. My mind will be my absolute focus. Simple, no negative thoughts are going to cloud my mind. No more doubts, fears and anything along those lines. From now on, I will only feed my mind with all the beneficial, harmonious and wonderful thoughts and place utter faith that everything will work out better than I imagine.

Off to Perth again tonight and I am looking forward to it again.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Yesterday night, it was the heaviness of my heart and a broken spirit that lulled me into a defeated slumber. The foundations of my beliefs were shaken by the seeds of doubt that were planted in the recesses of my mind by external sources.

The harsh words had had its effect. I was told that my choices are getting from bad to worse and that I cannot seem to anything right. It was literally, a stab wound to the heart. Hurt, because I am trusted enough to make the decisions that I believe would be the best for me.

Quite abruptly, I do not know what to believe in anymore. Momentarily, I was at a loss and I did not know how to go on. I started questioning if I am really sure of what I am doing. I questioned my choices and I prayed for guidance. The few conversations that I had regarding this matter set me straight and it was comforting, knowing that there are people who care and see where I am coming from.

I do want to make her happy and proud of me. I do know that she loves me and cares about me. But when will she ever understand that she must learn to let go and trust me to live my life well and accept it? I simply cannot live my life according to her expectations, because there would be regrets at not giving something a chance, which may only come once in a lifetime. So rooted is she, in her fears and ways that she only listens to what she wants to hear, and lambasting everything else.

I wish I can share my joy, happiness and vision with her… but if she does not open up her heart, she will never be able to see. It really pains me to say this, but her influence over my decisions is not ideal. My life is really mine to lead. Yet, I love and care about her too much to disregard her and give up on her. I will just have to let things work themselves out and praying about it.

I really want to live a fulfilling and enriching life, one that is not stunted by the constraints of what is deemed acceptable by people around me. How can I truly soar to greater heights if my wings are being clipped continually? I live to be inspired and I want to find out.

A friend told that I would only be a real failure if I quit on myself. It was a reminder that put me back on track. There are a few psychological barriers that I have to be rid of and no longer will I allow small setbacks to make me feel like a failure. Sometimes, you need to experience small failures to taste greater success. These words jumped out at me today when I was reading, “Change the cause and you change the effect.” I know what I must do.

Be gone, the seeds of doubt! I will not be beaten easily.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

After the longest time, I finally feel quite complete. The effortless melding of mind, heart and soul has always been elusive, until recently. =)

Was awake for 27 hours, long story but anyhow, I am off to do my favourite flight to Perth tomorrow morning, I am really looking forward to it!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

*SQUEAL* I really cannot believe my luck on certain things, but I am not definately not complaining!;p Happy camper's in the house!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Life captivates me with its promises and endless possiblities. It is amazing to note how the slightest shifts in circumastances can effect a change upon us. A chance encounter is all it takes to initiate a flow of events that are sometimes beyond our wildest imagination.

Dreams can be fleshed out if we hold that picture and take baby steps towards making it a reality. Whether we choose the beaten path or the road less travelled, make the most out of the journey. In this lifetime, we can never finish learning all its lessons and comprehend its mysteries.

Life is indeed beautiful if we know where to look. The years of my adulthood has been one of revelations, discovery and learning. By ridding myself of the past insecurities and fears, and also be God's grace, I feel like I am really living a life of meaning with all its glorious miracles. The quality of my existence now was once the stuff that my dreams were made of.

And now, it is my reality and I smile at the wonder of it all...=) Definately interesting and in it, an animal magnetism that is definately a force to be reckoned with heh;)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Intriguing... how I actually felt happy doing a Hong Kong turnaround today. It was hard work as usual and all the crew were moving non-stop. Despite the tiredness and all, there was no pms-y mood today. In fact, I was smiling quite a lot.

There is every reason for me to smile. Maybe, I just happen to be in a good mood today, or maybe I am just going cuckoo. Haha!

Gonna crash soon, I hope to sleep like a baby again tonight.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Need to let off some steam... It is getting almost unbearable to be at home these days. I simply cannot talk to her about anything anymore, because she only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

I have to keep holding my tongue for fear of lashing out, and it is becoming quite a feat. Especially when she keeps getting on my case and saying the most upsetting things. My heart clenches with anger and hurt when I hear those things. I question again, should I live my life according to her idea of happiness, or should I go for what I know will truly make me happy?

I have chosen and it is not even at the expense of anybody or anyone. She just does not have the faith in me to make the right decisions for myself. No longer do I feel like a sanctury at home. It is starting to resemble a cage filled with expectations that are not of my own.

All these feelings will pass, I just needed to let them out in writing, but I will deal with it. I will go play the piano now and hopefully, it will all dissipate.
What a sight it must have been... I walked both my dogs together this morning. One is black with patches of white and the other, white as snow. And they both have red leashes and harnesses.

My running attire happened to be of the same colour combination, totally unplanned though. We attracted a fair bit of attention... Well, my dogs did, not me. Anyhow, I thought the 3 of us looked quite nice together.

I slept like a baby again last night, I have been quite starved of sleep lately. I have heard that sleep debts can never be repaid though. Well, the pressure in my head is gone but the twinge of pain in my lower back still remains. Mood is quite borderline as well. Nabei lah.

The control I have over my temper these days is quite remarkable. I hate it when people harp over the smallest of things and thus, I was very annoyed today. Coupled with my current moodiness, not good at all. The issue could have escalated into a shouting match and a cold war thereafter. I backed off and the tension diffused after awhile. Self-control makes all the difference... sometimes the damage can be irreversible and then it would be too late for regrets.

A thought struck me again recently... sometimes I would visualize things. Doing the things I love, where I see myself in the future and the kind of person I will become. It is nothing more then flashes of pictures, like those in a slideshow. I would freeze certain images in my mind a little longer and then drift off to sleep.

At this point of time in my life, the images have become a reality now... That, or dreams that are in the process of coming true. Be careful what you feed your mind, a belief can be so strong that it supercedes all circumstances that get in your way by mentally banishing them.

Gotta go now, lots to get done.

Friday, February 02, 2007

I made full use of 2 of my off days, which have been particularly fulfilling. I was like clockwork today, getting good at this time management thingie. However, to say that I feel like shit is an understatement. My head feels like it is being compressed in a pressure cooker the whole day and I wince whenever I have to bend or twist my body because of the sharp pain in my lower back.

Also, I am experiencing the kind of exhaustion that plagues me just before that time of the month. Not to mention, some other symptoms I have to suffer from just prior to the cycle. 2 whole weeks of discomfort and occasional moodiness.

The feeling of being run over by a steamroller is making me want to just crash and bury myself under the blanket but I just had to gripe. I have nothing clever to say tonight though. Oh well, will go and do my other stuff and help my mom fill up 100 over lucky draw coupons. And that is just half of it. My forearm is in spasms just thinking about it...

Oh my God. I am seriously gonna have fun. NOT! Goodnight!