There was once a pawnshop run by Devil's disciple. He accepted no physical stuffs, but things that money can't buy. A man whose mother couldn't get along with his wife walked into the shop. He begged to pawn his career advancement for his family harmony. Not much later, he met with an accident, left him paralysed. He couldn't move anymore, let alone work. He was wheelchaired bound and both his wife and mother had to set their differences aside to care for him. Now that this man's wish came true with his dreamed family harmony, is he any happier?

I received this msg from someone on Friendster and I found it very interesting coz it made me think. Do we really want something so badly that we're willing to give up something else... Only to have it backfire on us in such a way that we get what we want in the end, but in a god damn twisted way... It gives me the chills down the spine for some reason... Isn't it so obvious, the gist of this story is to be careful what you wish for. How many times have we heard that warning but not heed it? And when we do, we let something good pass us by, only to realize it's too late.

Is it a good thing to be overly cautious? I'm still debating that. I wish I could live for the moment. Do whatever shit I like, with no consequences whatsoever. But I am scared, I ain't got the balls to pursue what I want. That's just a figure of speech btw... I have to suppress my natural tendencies, to go all out coz inside, I'm just afraid. Proceed with caution with regards to everything, to all the decisions I choose to make.

I always ask myself, should I just live my life to the fullest so I'd have no regrets... so that I won't have to look back 10 years later and think damn, I should have done that when I was younger. Or should I just take the wait-and-see approach to everything and let opportunities slip me by, but with lesser chances of failure... That's one of my fears, to be a failure... so much so that I don't dare to dream, or to realize my full potential. It's so mind boggling... If only I had an answer for everything... I need inspiration, I wish someone would give me the inspiration to change my life...

Speaking of which, I caught the movie, Coach Carter yesterday... It is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I am a sucker for movies that inspire and motivate me. In introspect, it'll be nice to have a 'Coach Carter' in our lives. A person who does not believe in succumbing to a system that is designed for us to fail. A person who sees everyone's true potential and teaches us that we can be so much more if only we reach out to it. I believe I need someone like that in my life. Someone to motivate me... A push is all we need, and the rest is up to us.

Do I dare to dream? I don't even know what I want...

I have to hear something not so plesant this morning, just when I thought things are about to get better... Basically, I will just have to watch what I do and say from now on coz I'm in the spotlight again... *sigh* Long story... but it has to do with the Beijing flight. I shan't say too much, just gotta keep my head up and watch myself.

So much things to worry about, sometimes all I wanna do is to hide away and cry and not care about anything anymore. I will not be defeated. I will rise up to the challenges ahead. Life will only get me down if I allow it, but I won't.

For the past few days, I was happy, very happy in fact. This is silly, but it has gotten to the point that I'm afraid of being very happy, coz it usually means I'm about to get very unhappy, like a vicious cycle. I just hope it's not a self-fulfilled prophecy. Maybe next time, I will just make do with feeling ok. I am gonna blast on my workout later. Oh, I'd love to smash something right now. I'd probably break my hand though...

ARGH!!!!!!!! It happpened AGAIN:) That's right, just when I was happily typing out my thoughts for the day, my comp crashed, for the the 5th time today and now it is lagging so badly that it takes 2 seconds just for my sentence to appear. My train of thought is totally interrupted thanks to this little technical fault. My bro had better do something about it... He has slightly better knowledge of computers than I do.

Now to set the tone for this blog. I was saying that I met up with a good friend of mine, Allan in Leicester Square. It was a long awaited meeting, albeit a rather short one. We caught up a little over lunch but he had to leave early as he's having his exams. It was fun to roam the streets of London alone. It was almost surreal and it was an altogether interesting realization that I was ok being alone.

For the record, I was always someone who needed company, even more so when I'm out station coz I have a fucking poor sense of direction. That aside, for as long as I can remember, I always had to have someone with me, be it a b/f, friends, colleagues. Fucking hell, I thought I would be lost if I wasn't in a relationship. How silly is that? Gawd... I needed other people's approval and depend on them, often at the expense of my own happiness. I also cared a lot about what others thought or said about me. Cared so much to the extent that it would be very easy to put me down if you knew me well enough. On top of that, I'd be affected for days and possibly for life. How? Coz it would come back and haunt me the days when I am feeling the lowest of the low. Anyhoo, screw all that now, I realized that people like me for just being myself. I didn't need to live up to other people's expectations of me. From now on, screw it, I am gonna live my life the way I want it, as long as I am happy, having fun, responsible and considerate towards deserving people. Good, clean fun that is, in case you were wondering...

Sudden realizations that you could be so much more than what you are now as long as you put your mind to it can be oh-so-empowering. It is like this super dose of confidence and euphoria much like 'runner's high', the feeling you get after a nice, long run. It's great... subtle confidence is alluring and it puts a smile on your face Also it makes people feel comfortable and like being around you.

Ahahahhaha, am drifting again as usual, need to shackle all my thoughts together so I can be more focused. Anyhoo, my bro was to re-format the comp now. Later!

I GIVE UP...! On my comp that is... fucking screwed up piece of crap... Endless source of my frustrations. It crashes every freaking 15 mins and there's always this bloody error thingie that keeps popping up. I don't know wtf is wrong, I don't know how to rectify the problem and I have no time to do so. I only know that I NEED TO USE IT BADLY.

I am like handicapped now. I can't do internet banking or go to my company's web to do my homework for tomorrow's flight. I can't enter any god damn secure server for that matter. There is something wrong with the IE settings that prevents me from doing so and I don't know WHAT. I am usually dependent on MSN Explorer but today it has been cocking up. I can't even sign in!

To top it off, the screen keeps blanking. Just wonderful.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *screams, pounds on screen and throws things around*

I hate being dependent on something which is not working when I need it. I hate it, hate it, hate it!!! What a sour note to end the day with my otherwise 'at peace with myself and feeling good' mood.

I feel violent now. Please pardon my language.

I'm back! Well, it's been quite some days since I last blogged eh? I'm saving this post everytime I type a few sentences lest it should crash again.

I have been spending more and more but it is not mindless spending. I feel good about my purchases coz I know they'll be put to good use. My mood has been significantly better these few days. It is certainly a great improvement as compared to the past weeks. At least this entry is gonna be a slightly happier one.

I am so glad I surround myself with positive people, I can't begin to emphasize how important that is. They are the ones that give you the strength to tide over troubled times, instead of bringing you down even further.

The Beijing flight that I did was quite a bad one coz I was 'picked on' by the crew-in-charge, over something very trivial. He's not from my team, thank the lord... Anyhoo, I guess I was just unlucky to be in his bad books. He kept harping on in til the end of the flight. He would call me down to first class and nag at me about the same thing over and over and over. LOL:) And no, he is not a bapok (gay).

I hated the way he was 'corrected' me, it was not professional and not very fair. If it was any other situation. I would gladly sink my knuckles into his face and hopefully, break his nose. I held back some biting remarks I really wanted to make. I can be fucking guai lan if I want to be. No lah... I am not THAT mean. I was just fucking pissed at that point of time. I managed not to let him affect me too much. I was working happily throughout the flight, I took his comments positively though I hope I don't ever have to see that anal-retentive fuckass ever again. He can piss off and die for all I care. HAH.

On a happier note, my lifestyle is improving and I am actually feeling good about myself:) I am seeing results from watching what I eat and all that exercise. My body looks better and I lost about 3-4 kg in 3 weeks hehe:) Gonna keep it up coz it makes me feel grrrreat!!!

Btw, my comp crashed thrice while typing this post wahahahaha... moving onward to a brand, new better me!

I won't be able to blog until I rectify the problem with my computer. Pissing the hell out of me, crashes every 10 mins... Til then...

The wonders of an hour long jog... I feel like I've purged almost all the toxins from last night's binge drinking. Head feels clearer now... no more of the stabbing pain that has plagued me for most part of the afternoon.

Have I mentioned that I'm gonna stop all this nonsense and lead a healthier lifestyle? This means no more binge drinking, social smoking, more exercise, more sleep and healthy eating. I'm gonna do it.

Time to prepare to go to work. Full load and it's gonna be a long, long night. It doesn't help that there's a language barrier coz I my Mandarin sucks. Anyhoo, Beijing here I come!

I am still really sloshed and I need a liver transplant... bad. My head hurts so much that at this moment, my brain feels like a pin cushion of sorts for knitting needles. Freaking huge knitting needles and dozens of them. The intensity has since subsided to a dull, throbbing kinda pain. I can't remember when was the last time I had such a major hangover. Hell, I don't even know how much I drank but I do know that it was more than usual...

I was in Nicole's house last night drinking with Botak and his friends, all that red wine... I swear I am not an alcoholic. I drink only for social reasons but they happened to drink quite a lot, so I joined them. Maybe I wasn't feeling good and I thought drinking could help me forget. Big mistake. Anyhoo, I enjoyed the company, esp with my babe Nicole. I will not drink like that if I'm outside.

Oh she got me a pink poodle beanie toy. Both Botak and her said it reminded them of me so they got it. I find it puzzling though... Pink poodle? Me? I see no similarities at all hehe:) Still, it was very very sweet of Nicole. I loved the bracelet she got for me too, just the sort of thing I'd wear.

I am not sure if I am able to work today... I will try but if I can't, I'll report sick. Will post some pics as soon as I get them. Oooh... my head.... :(

I hope my mind was playing tricks on me today... I woke up this morning to eerie laughter. It was coming from behind my brother's bed. (Yep, was sleeping in his room) Anyhoo, it sounded like one of those dolls where you wind up, except it was laughing like an evil witch. I hope to God it was a lizard or something. I was too tired to be freaked then, but thinking about it now sends shivers up my spine. Weird.

I binged on Gelere's banana split and ice-cream mud pie last night. Ultimate sin. I hate myself now haha:) Oh well, going to Nicole's house in a bit. She's having a small party. Will be bringing along my bottle of wine and 1 litre bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream. Hope someone will drink with me tonight:)

I hate painting my nails. Especially when I am in a hurry and then I knock my fingers into something and it gets all messed up. Hate it, one of my pet peeves ugh...

I am addicted to banana chips and I have been stuffing my face for the past 2 hours. WIll somebody stop me please? Oooh, whatever happened to self-discipline? Zilch. Zero. Nada. I'd share my food with my dogs 'cept for one fact, they're already damn fat and Nicky just puked... Ewwww....

Bloody shit, ordered 2 stainless steel rings from an online site on impulse, only to realize they are too big for me. Got the sizes wrong and now I have to send them back and make an exchange. All that hassle, plus I'll be incurring additional charges as well. The rings are not cheap at all. Could have kicked myself. Grrr...

So much for moving on, I'm feeling more down than I thought I'd be. Yesterday was the 14th, it was a special day for him and I , brought back a lot of memories but I try not to think about them. Ironic, ain't it? Especially since I brought it upon myself, so I shall just stop moping around. Still very miffed about the rings though. There is nothing I hate more than inconvenience. Sure I can think of other things, but at the mo, inconvenience tops the list. I have so much to do and I'm so freaking tired, this puts me in a totally fucked up mood.

Aside from the fact that I am struck by PMS blues, I've been eating like a pig gone wild. I have to get my ass to the gym, I absolutely must. Get those happy hormones pumping up.

The only consolation in my life so far are my friends and that I've met most of my new team members. I'm very happy so far, please no more nasty surprises. Don't think my heart can take anymore. Keeping my fingers crossed that the other 3 I've not met are ok as well...

Is loneliness supposed to feel like this? If it is, it sucks, it really sucks big time. No special someone to share my thoughts with. No one to cuddle up to. My fault actually, coz I just wanna be left alone. My friends are lovely but they all happened to be attached... It's so weird, I don't know what to say. Still, I must be patient. Give myself time... It will all be over, soon, hopefully.

*sigh*

In a bid to fill the sudden emptiness in my life, I've been keeping myself busy and really wearing myself out. The good thing is I get so tired at the end of the day that I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Then I drift off to a deep, uninterupted sleep.

I got called up for a Bangkok turnaround flight yesterday:( I came back at night and met Hui Ling for a long run, chatting as we ran. Felt invigorated after that, if not for the sleep I have yet to catch up on. Feeling really bloated and starting to crave those evil carbs, signs of that dreaded time of the month...ugh!:( Have been very discplined and I am rather proud of myself, the weight loss plateau that I've hit has started to shift, slowly but surely.

I have so much planned for myself, tackling one thing at a time. I want to pass my driving test in May on my first try and I then I want to pass my piano exam in August. I want to improve myself in every aspect, I want to learn to love myself... be happy again. I can feel changes looming ahead, hopefully for the better. As of now, I am beginning to feel a little happier again:)

Oooh, gonna meet my babes, Judy and Julz again for dinner:) Really looking forward to it:)

I am fairly relieved now that he has come to his senses... He said he's determined to change and succeed and that he'll give me my space.

So sleep deprived... All that worrying, I hope I can get a good night's rest before I go to work again.

Not much mood to blog today... will update when I come back.

When bad things happen, it comes all at once, hits you full in the face before you know what hit you and leaves you reeling... so much for feeling better.

More drama today, I do not want to talk about it. All I can say is, I just felt like screaming and going ballistic. It's people like these who are driving me to the brink of insanity. When I say I need my own space and my time alone, I MEAN IT. Don't fucking try to worm your way back into my life and get other people involved. I was so stressed by the whole fiasco, I nearly broke down. I felt it was emotional blackmail... I feel like I'm being pressurized, pushed up against the wall... I shan't elaborate on this...

And as if things can't get any worse, I got to know about the nasty stuff that is being spread about me when I was still in poly and even now. It opened old wounds and memories I thought I had put behind me came back to haunt me. It really hurt, I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me... The blessing in disguise is that I found friends who know all about it but chose to look past them and gave me the benefit of the doubt. They are my true friends and I swear I'll treasure them for life...

Gotta fight to keeping a tight rein on my emotions, hope all this ends soon.

How am I feeling? Not particularly bad, certainly not good, but hovering in between.

Detached from my emotions as of now, but I'd experience little stabs of uncertainty every now and then. What I really want out of life has started to take form, that is small comfort at least.

This thought suddenly hit me in the face recently... There are boats lined up at a harbour, waiting. I am in one boat so I can't take the rest. So one by one, they row off. When I'm finally out of this boat, the other boats have gone. Weird anology but the irony of it all, the story of my life... I really like what a friend told me, he told me that I'm still young and just wait for a ship hahahaha:) I thought that was really good advice.

Which brings to mind... fate, destiny, whatever... Do you believe in it? Do you just let things happen, go with the flow, wherever the currents take you... or do you resist it, in pursuit of something you think you might want? In retrospect, mind boggling questions... It's all about the right choices, sound decisions and more. decisions...

To everyone who was concerned about me and took the time to make me feel better, thank you... *hugz* They mean a lot... differing though valuable, pieces of advice. I can't express how appreciative I feel, of the ones who stood by me all the way... I am feeling much better now, especially when my mind takes over.

I feel like I've grown up so much in such a short time. I see the bigger picture in almost everything. I've mellowed down, become more rational and less emotional. I'm seeing everything with a new insight I've never had before... I give credit to the people around me, they have helped me grow, I learn from their wisdom and experiences but I am not influenced to the extent that I can't make my own choices.

Anyhoo, moving on from my soppy ramblings.... I came back from Christchurch last night, I felt so much better... I had a great flight, hung out with a great set of crew and basically had a fun time. Good, clean fun definately.:) My batch boy, Craig and I went horse trekking, we couldn't go Mt. Cook coz all the tours were fully booked and it was too windy for sky diving.

Horse trekking, it was an amazing, amazing experience. We were driven up into the mountains, already saw so many beautiful sights on the way up. It was breath taking... We arrived at the ranch and we were taught how to handle the horses. I got to ride on a handsome gelding (that is what they call stallions who have been castrated btw), called Robbie. Oooh, riding Robbie Williams hahahahhaha;p

We each got to ride on our own horses, there was a guide who was leading the way and we rode for 2 1/2 hours up into the mountains. It is oh so therapeutic, I felt all the cares in the world slip away... And I've always loved animals, particularly dogs and yes, horses. We rode among the moos of the cows and the bleeting of the silly sheep scattered over the mountains. It was just lovely, lovely, lovely! I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I wish I can ride horses everyday even though I am still having a sore ass now from all that riding hehehe;p I kept hugging Robbie, wish I owned him.

On a final note, I pray that I have made the best decision for my life. Hopefully, this will be a turning point for me.

Melancholy... the feeling is bittersweet. I feel a fleeting tinge of sadness that I can't quite comprehend. Whatever semblance of control I have over my emotions seem to be slipping away, fast. What am I looking for? What do I really want? "Go with the flow" That is the piece of advice I like to give to my friends and myself. But I realize that it is an advice that is quite flawed because it comes together with uncertainty. Something which I do not need anymore of.

I just can't get to sleep again, I have too many unanswered questions hounding me... Impeding into my restless state of subconsciousness. The ride on this emotional rollercoaster seems endless, I feel drained. Grappling for an emotional foothold is taking its toll on me. I need a release of sorts and I feel this strong urge to escape into my own world, except I don't know how.

I yearn for this sense of completion, for someone to understand me, to know what I want. It's a fucking unrealistic expectation on my part because I feel that I am seeking the impossible. Hell, I do not even know myself anymore... I do not want anyone to worry or feel affected by me as this mood is only temporary, stemming from not knowing what I want and expect of myself.

Ever felt like you're surrounded by people who care and yet feel all alone in this world? That is precisely what I am feeling at the moment. I am damn appreciative of the fact that my friends and other people actually take the time to stop and show me their concern. I really am, but I know I can't depend on anyone, except myself. Everyone else has their own lives to lead and their own issues to contend with.

My babe, Nicole, called me the moment she knew what was going on. I feel so much better after talking to her. She just makes so much sense and she gives just the right dose of what I need. I love her so much... Friends like her and everyone else who cares, are meant to be kept and treasured for life. You know who you all are, you will not be forgotten...

Meanwhile, I got to put halt on my selfish and self-destructive behavior. I simply must, before it ruins me.

Yet another sleepless night... Kept tossing and turning... Sure it's so damn easy to go running back into his arms, back to my comfort zone... I can choose to pretend that everything is okay. Afterall, he said he wanted me to go back to him... But I know it won't solve our problems and that it'll be that vicious cycle all over again.

It does not make it easier to know that he is hurting, I only hope I am doing the right thing. Only time will tell... All I wanna do now is to curl up inro a ball and hide away from the world. I wish I can cry and let all my emotions out... but I can't because my heart is numb.

*sigh*