Monday, March 30, 2009

BKN030. I had to cancel my navigation solo today because of the low cloud base. Instead, I did two general handling solos as I would have no problem with the terrain clearance in the training area. I climbed to an altitude of 3000ft initially but found myself in cloud so I had to descend to and maintain 2500ft.

It was absolutely lovely and I was happy to be up there all by myself for two whole hours. For the first time, I brought my Ipod along and I had one earphone in my ear under my headset, while keeping a listening watch at the same time. I enjoyed the experience so much more with music to keep me company and I was happily singing and dancing in my seat without a care in the world. But of course, at the same time, I was maintaining my altitude and heading discipline and keeping an active lookout.

I did climbing and descending rate 1 turns over the Peel Inlet and when I found a single clear patch in the broken cloud, I climbed another 1000ft. The mass of clouds still looked very ominous so I descended back down, enjoying the sight of the feathery wisps of cloud as they parted over the windscreen.

It is for moments like these that I live for and I revel in them I did. I keep them close to my heart.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Another emo moment for me... I do not know what is up with me these days, but I think deep down, I do know what is bothering me. There are many thoughts that I cannot express in words and only God knows what is truly in my heart. The feelings become more pronounced when I am lying in bed and about to drift off to sleep and though they do not keep me awake, I would rather have a peace of mind. No matter how bad I feel sometimes, I will just have to keep myself happy and move on to happier things. I trust that the Lord will set things right again.

On a happier note, I received a couple of emails which cheered me up quite a bit, one from my piano teacher and one from a lady in church who did bible study with me. It has been awhile since I last emailed them and it is uncanny that they both should suddenly contact me at the same time to ask how I am. The people I have met in my life are really a blessing to me I really treasure them. There are also some that I am glad to have known but rather not at the same time. I guess it all comes down to how I choose to look at it. Sigh.

My sortie went decently well yesterday. Though I felt dizzy from the turbulence and screwed up here and there, I did have my saving graces. There are a few areas that I need to work on but I am glad that my instructor says I will have no problem on the Baron. I must continue to progress and improve and hopefully come back to Singapore for a short break after I pass my progress check. I am so looking forward to it and it gives me something to work towards!

Keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Things are all good for the moment and my pace, though a little too fast, has kept a good momentum going on for me. I have come up with my own ways to deal with things that I am not too happy about. Other than that, the Lord tells me not to worry and that I am in good hands. I believe Him.

It is no surprise to me that a lot of guys are really jerks, many of whom, are wolves in sheep's clothing. There are nice men around of course, but they are mostly taken. However, in this day and age, some women are no better either. Oh well, I am really beginning to accept such flaws in people because a lot of things are circumstantial and some things just don't make sense anymore. Oh well, I am not going to concern myself with the matters of the heart. Now is not a good time.

I have decided that I am not going to give up on anything, just that I have to be patient. As long as I don't give up on myself, no one can tell me otherwise.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Some people only think for themselves and have absolutely no regard for others. If I were to blog about how annoyed I am, it will take all day. I have no respect for such individuals but I am willing to close one eye if their actions do not affect me directly. However, this time might be different and I am just waiting to see what will happen next. However, having said that, I will still maintain my professional stance and conduct myself properly when it comes to such matters.

From my last post, I have been feeling significantly better. Although I still feel overwhelmed, there is a nice flow of things which I am happy with. I only need to clock 14 more solo hours and I am 3 duals away from my progress check. On top of that, I still have an instrument rating exam to study for. Though my instructor is happy with my progress so far, I myself, am not too sure. I still feel there is a lot of room for improvement but I will trust my instructor's assessment. The next 3 sorties will be a true measure of how ready I am. Afterall, I don't know what I don't know and that is the God honest truth.

Being busy is good, I need the focus and I want to do well for this phase. It also takes my mind off negative thoughts and feelings that sometimes creep up. Oh well, back to my studies now. I miss home and my mommy.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I am pretty happy with my performance for yesterday's sortie. IFR is still something that is pretty new to me, but I love the procedures, RT calls and even the airwork, just simply, the 'structure' of it all. There is still much to learn and improve on of course, but I since I had a good start, I have a strong feeling things are going to go well. I also enjoyed the night circuits which I did, despite my initial hesitation on having to choose a runway that I was not familiar with. That turned out alright and I had good fun. Overall, it was a very fulfilling day for me and I hope that it will remain that way for the rest of my stay here.

I admit have been feeling a bit emo over the past few days and it is not something I want to talk about. The onset of the PMS symptoms does not help as it just makes these feelings more pronounced. I just feel very lonely, even though I am surrounded by people whom I can talk to. There are many things I keep to myself as there is no one here that I can connect with on a deeper level. Everything is just on a superficial level and people come and go, a lot of my good friends have already gone home. Half the college is now made up of cadets whose names I do not even know. The longer I stay here, the more I feel detached. Things are actually good for me, but at this moment, I just want to finish my training and get the fuck out of here. There is no real motivation for me to want to go back, just my family, dogs and my friends back home.

Today, I woke up with a heavy heart again and I talked to God for half an hour and now I feel a lot more comforted. I told myself, no more of this self-pity bullshit and I must not lose sight of the fact that I am better than the way I let myself feel.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The backside starts itching whenever I am in the west, this time in Western Australia... however I won't elaborate on that. Another good friend just left tonight and while I am happy for him, I also feel sad seeing him go. One by one, all these people that I have grown accustomed to, all leave this place.

I am starting to write more often these days as I have all these thoughts and feelings resurfacing again and I need an outlet to let them out. Of course not many people reading my entries will know what I am talking about, but that does not matter.

As I get closer and closer to my goal, I must not let my focus waver. I am working myself to the ground but I must keep going, everything will all fall into place.

I just know because God told me so.

Friday, March 13, 2009

For something that is not real, it is strangely painful and strangely disappointing.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I question the games that we all play at some point in our life. If things to do with the affairs of the heart are a game, then is there really such a thing as true love? It seems that the notion of true love is diminishing these days and at the end of it, we don't know what is real anymore. At least, I don't anyway.

There are a few kinds of love that I believe in, and those are the ones towards God, my family, dogs and some of my closer friends. Other than that, I am just not sure anymore. I don't like the games people play, but if it has to come down to that, it is one that I want to win.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

The view of the glittering lights from 1000ft above mesmerized me and it was on this beautiful moonlit night, that I cleared my first night solo. It is a glorious feeling of exhilaration and relief and I know I had very worked hard to deserve this.

My sortie in the early morning went very well too and I was happy with my performance. I want to be progressively better and I hope that it is in this phase that I will truly start to shine. I am on a personal mission and the renewed motivation is working wonders for me.

Let's just hope I can continue to keep this up.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

A lot has happened since my last update but I do not even know where to begin. There have been moments which have made me happy but there are also those that fill me with a certain kind of sadness.

Although I have had quite a lot of free time to write all these shit down, I have lost the desire to express my thoughts and feelings here. I am ashamed to say that I have been distracted and have grown distant from God, yet he has continued bless me with things that are in my favour.

I thought I had found what I wanted but I have been disappointed once again. Now I do not know what I want anymore and where to go on from here. Subconsciously, my mind has blocked out most of the emotions that might bog me down so that I can keep it all together. I am glad that my previous experiences have made me strong and that really counts right now.

Apart from everything that has happened, things have been going well for me here. I am into the third phase of my training now and the steep learning curve and the overwhelming workload is starting to close in on me. It is imperative that I do not lose focus now and that I keep my shit together. I am just extremely grateful to those who have helped me all this while. With all my heart, I really love what I am doing now and I have faith it will all work out just fine.

I hope I can rise above any occasion and not be distracted along the way. I miss home very much and I miss my friends. Now that some things are not in its place, I cannot be truly happy for now. I do know that I am happy enough, though not really at peace with myself.

For now, I will be content with whatever small victories that I have. Someday, perhaps very soon, I will get the happiness I deserve.