Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 is not going to end in a way that I am expecting... I seem to have a knack for attracting drama in my life, by simply not doing anything. It keeps life interesting, especially so for people who like to have something to talk about.

Overall, it has been a great year for me and I have accomplished feats that were once beyond me. Though I have had a tad too much excitement, I have also been taught many precious lessons about life and have been blessed in many ways.

Everything, I will leave in the Lord's hands. I am looking forward to 2009 and I pray it will even be an even better year. God bless and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Forgiveness is a choice. It is an attribute of the strong and the ability to let go of the past. Too many people I know imprison themselves in the past as they are unable or unwilling to forgive. Instead, they choose to cling on to the hatred and wallow in the anger that serves no purpose except embitter their soul.

I loved bearing grudges when I was in my early teens. Everytime someone does or says something to hurt me, I would remember every single detail and find an opportunity to bitch about it and then, retaliate. The offending party would usually be someone who has the same malicious thoughts and suffice to say, the 'war' is neverending. It was an unpleasant affair to say the least. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Unfortunately for me, I learnt the hard way and was taught a harsh lesson, which changed me for the better. Looking back, it was a blessing that I was given an opportunity to set things right early in life. The change in attitude allowed me to live the prime years of my life harmoniously, with a peace of mind.

Throughout my life, many people have hurt and disappointed me, but I am glad that the bad memories I have tried to conjure up are now nothing more than hazy shadows. Of course, there are times where I would fall victim to my old ways, but never for long.

My best friend Nic is a shining example of the ability to forgive. The man she loved
for 6 years betrayed her and broke her heart but yet, she was able to forgive him and wish him well. It takes someone with a big, big heart full of love to be able to do that. In the process of her healing, she found the Lord and I know her life will definately be blessed and more.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas this year was spent away from home but even though I was not with my loved ones, I really enjoyed the celebrations that I have had.

The college party was a raucous affair and many ended up getting smashed at the end of the night. Alcohol, in moderate amounts, can be a good thing as it lightens the mood and brings everyone together. It can also be fun when people have had too much to drink and entertain everyone with their drunken antics. Heh.

On the eve, I had a nice dinner at La Porchetta in Fremantle with Poot Poot and a couple of his friends after sending off one of their coursemates to the airport. The service was good and the food was delicious and reasonably priced. Most definitely going back again, even though I have had more than enough Italian food since coming to Perth. We attended a Christmas mass after that. It is really not much different from the other Catholic masses that I have attended, just a lot more packed. As usual, I felt strangely detached from it all and it did not touch me in the way a Christian sermon would. Similar in some ways, yet worlds apart.

There were plans to embark on a road trip to Albany but it was canned as most of the car rental companies were either closed or had no more cars available. I followed Poot Poot, to his instructor's house party, along with some other cadets who have been invited. It was simple, heartwarming and absolutely lovely... just the sort of thing I like. The weather was perfect with the warm December sun on my skin and the cool breeze carassing my hair. The food was excellent and I ate so much that I was quite sure I was gonna pop. The kids running about brought a smile to my face... their innocence and curiosity never fail to touch my heart.

I am glad I found some meaning in Christmas this year, and I hope it was the same for everyone. God bless!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Right this moment, I really feel like I am living the best days of my life. Everyday, I thank God for all the blessings I have been given, before I go to sleep at night and first thing when I wake up in the morning.

The past two weeks have been heavenly. There is just so much to be happy about, so much so that the happiness radiates out of my soul. I feel like I am fulfilling the right purpose at this stage. Looking back, I have had my initial struggles, to the point that I even started to seriously doubt myself. However, I managed to break free from the chains that have once held my mind ransom with prayer and faith. There is this newfound confidence in me, but I must never get complacent or arrogant and continue to learn and be humble.

Things are cruising along smoothly and I look forward to every sortie, be it a dual or solo. Ever since I cleared my first progress check, I have been given a few opportunities to do my solos in very challenging conditions and I took the chance to improve my handling skills and height maintainence. However, I suspect my instructor will be horrified if he comes to know I was authorized to go up in such strong winds, heh.

I must enjoy every moment that brings joy to my heart and every experience that enriches my life.

=)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Things started off badly the moment I got to the OPS room this morning. My aircraft was changed and when I did my preflight, I noticed that the baggage compartment catch was broken and it could not be locked. So after getting an instructor and an engineer to check it, they declared it unserviceable and it had to be sent to the hangar. I was assigned another one, after doing the preflight and the paperwork, the OPS personnel told me that there was no turnaround time between my sortie and the next. No prizes for guessing what happened next... I was swopped back to the original aircraft I had requested for and had to do the preflight and the paperwork all over again.

Anyone else would have kicked up a fuss but I decided to keep my cool. I had to rush through my calculations and weather briefing but managed to complete everything in time. However, due to some scheduling error, my P-Check instructor arrived 30 minutes after I was supposed to start.

We departed 45 minutes late in marginal weather and the conditions deteriorated further when I was doing circuits and it started getting bumpy. My performance could be better but I was safe and did not bust any tolerances. Though I must say I did strangely well for the flapless approach which I hardly practice. We left the circuit for the training area and I did steep turns, stalls and PFL. My steep turn to the right was good and I did not lose any height, but the ones to the left was quite horrible. I lost height but I stopped the turn and started over and only got it right after a couple more attempts. The stalls went quite well and my recoveries for the different types of stall were up to standard, just that I did not ease the nose down enough for some of them. My PFL was a real joke. I noted the wind direction correctly, selected a field and identified my high key and low key correctly. My procedures were good, made the correct judgements and would most certainly have made the field, except that when I got lower, I realized that the field I had selected had many small trees. They looked like dense vegetation from above! I went around at 600ft and returned to the aerodrome.

The rest of the check went well and I rejoined without much dramas. I was given instructions to join late downwind and had to do a glide approach. I could not lose the excess height and came in too high so I initiated a go around. I managed to do a good glide approach and it all ended well.

I did well enough to pass and I can finally move on to Phase 2! Despite all the cock-ups in the beginning, I was in a calm state of mind throughout. God delivered and ensured that the rest of the more important factors were in my favour. Glory to the Lord!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Quite literally a stroke of unexpected luck at the eleventh hour... just as I was steeling myself for the worst when I saw who I might be doing my progress check with on Wednesday. Though the fear did not dominate me, I was resigned to God's plan for me.

As it turns out, He had other plans for me. Viv sent me a msg, saying I will be doing it tomorrow instead, and to expect a call from OPS. I got that call 5 minutes later and was informed that I will be doing the P-check with another instructor. What joy! I am most certainly going to give it my best and glorify God's name. I pray that there will be a window of good weather for me tomorrow.

=)

Sunday, December 07, 2008

My tolerance for alcohol seems to have increased and I can hold my own when it comes to drinking. In a way, it is a good thing as I can let loose a little and not make an ass out of myself. It can be quite fun while it lasts, but having said that, it is not a lifestyle I would want to indulge in on a regular basis. Last night, I stayed a little longer for the new course's initiation, had quite a bit to drink but thankfully, only ended up slightly high.

Fun aside, it is back to business and I must remained focused as my progress check will be held next week. The weather is going to be bad for the next 3 days so things might once again be delayed. I can only hope that there will be a window of decent weather for me and those ahead of me in the queue.

God tells me not to be afraid, I just need to run everything in my mind and do whatever my instructor taught me. I am looking forward to Phase 2 very much and I cannot wait to get there. This is my best chance to make up for lost time, learn as much as I can and expedite my progress. I am definitely in good hands.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

My time has come... I finally signed up for my first progress check today. It has been one bumpy ride and I have experienced more than my fair share of challenges. However, with my faith in the good Lord, I perservered on and I was blessed with the fruits of my determination. Looking back, it is amazing what I have managed to achieve in such a short period of time despite many limiting factors.

Turns out, God has sorted out my dilemma and now that I am number 3 in the queue, I will just leave it all in His hands. May I be able to step up to the game and that all the factors favour me on that day.

I am more than grateful for my improvement and I have a couple of instructors to thank for that. Now, I must not let anyone or myself down and especially not God.

=)

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

A dilemma... If I happen to know something that I can avoid, should I go ahead and challenge myself? Or do I wait for someone else to go first? This, I will entrust to the Lord.

Monday, December 01, 2008

This is going to be a very simple post. I am just feeling very happy these days and I feel alive once again. Everything is working out even better than planned and I managed to move ahead despite a few limiting factors. The drive and the momentum is back in full swing and I am cheerily looking forward to all there is to come.

There is so much to be thankful for and I am feeling really good about myself and the situation. It is good to keep things simple and have patience.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What I absolutely hate, is for people to feed vile thoughts into my mind which add no value into my life. It is like a poison that permeates throughout and it does nothing more than to fuel a hatred that I don't need to feel. There are things that I am better off not knowing, because if I do, I would just get riled up and be pissed. Like now.

To the person who thinks I should know whatever has gotten me pissed, you are wrong. For now, I will push it out of my mind, simply because I have got better things to do and be concerned about. If everyone can learn to control their tongue, the world will be a better place.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The ugly side of reality deals the harshest blows. All around, bad things are happening to good people and it is really hard to fathom why. I can only hope and pray that after being put through such painful trials, there will be a good outcome that exceeds all expectations.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Had an extremely restless sleep last night. Maybe it has something to do with all the boring publications I was reading up on, or maybe it was something else that I have yet to identify. Anyhow, there is always so much to read and learn and I am not satisfied with my level of knowledge. I am trying to read to expand my mental capacity, but it does not help that everything I have to read is so dry.

The discipline must be cultivated.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Looking at the pictures of my dogs brought a smile to my face. I miss all their silly antics, hugging them and kissing the top of their heads and noses. I wish they were here with me, they would make me so much happier. How I long to bring them on their daily walk now... My heart yearns for their presence to bring more joy into my life. God, I miss them like crazy.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Where do I even begin? Many things that I feel and think about are hard to put in words. I do have a lot to say but these days, I prefer to talk less and reserve my personal thoughts to myself. I have had the luxury of time to reflect on many things that have been going on in my life, often wondering what I can do to improve the quality of my existence. Though, I still know exactly what I want to achieve, I am starting to lose some steam despite my continuous efforts to persist on.

There is an inner angst in me that I keep hidden but it surfaces every now and then. Although I think I have handled everything pretty well so far, I need to change the way I think. The changes must come from within and I must never forget what drives and energizes me.

Things are certainly looking up for me and I am in a pretty good position. Once again, I pray for God's wisdom in everything I do.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Here comes the time for me to work hard and clear all my solos for this phase as quickly as possible. However, it has been an uphill task, judging by the number of sorties I had to cancel due to the crosswinds. I guess it cannot be helped and all I can do is to continue to put in the effort and not give up.

My sorties are getting less exciting and that is a real relief, my confidence is building up again and I must do my best to minimize my mistakes. Still, fatigue is starting to set in and I have to be disciplined to ensure I have enough rest. As of now, I don't really have a life anymore and the silly poot is even more busy than me. :(

I look forward to spending some quality time, just the 2 of us, but then I wonder, when will that day come?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Praise the Lord! I am absolutely elated because I cleared my area solo check! One more hurdle down and many more to go, but I think I have already pulled through the worst for now.

My mood was relaxed but I was deliberate in whatever I was doing. I had to do a departure which I was not so familiar with but since I was prepared for it, I knew exactly what to do. Once I entered the training area, I did all the maneuvers I had to do. I made a few small mistakes but other than that, I did pretty well and did not get yelled at. Everything went fine after that.

The Lord was with me all the way and I did not feel any fear, because I have no reason to be. I trusted myself and most importantly, I trusted God.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Two things for my area solo check, survival instincts and nerves of steel. May I be a picture of calm tomorrow and not crack under pressure tomorrow. Should there be any yelling, I pray my brains will remain intact. May the Lord be with me.
I went to sleep last night, angry and with a heavy heart. The problems have surfaced yet again and it was very apparent that it has not been resolved, despite many attempts to address the issues.

It was indeed wrong of me to lash out and say all those hurtful things. True, there could have been a better way to handle things, I admit that as much. However, saying what I feel does not seem to work anymore because I am no longer being taken seriously. The frustrations have built up to a crescendo and I am sick of skirting the issues and sweeping them under the rug, pretending that they are not there. It is a lie that I refuse to live because I don't want to realize it is all a mistake a few years down the road. Communication is absolutely vital but since that element seems to be missing now, I don't know how things will be from hereon. The disappointment is overwhelming but I am starting to feel numb and I will get over it.

I called my mom again today. It is great to know that everything is going on fine back home and that sets my mind at ease. My brother was baptized last Sunday and it is very uplifting to know that my dad is attending church as well. It is heartwarming to know that he is being received warmly with sincere hearts. It fills me with gladness that he has finally come to know the Lord.

I am saddened and there us a lot going on inside me, I really hope I can see myself through...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Back on track once again. I have already weathered a few storms since coming here but my perseverance have indeed brought about many blessings. Although I have experienced fear and doubt at times, I have held strong to my beliefs and have not given up on this dream.

I am not going to let anyone tell me otherwise.

Upon reflection, what has kept me in the game is not just about superior aerial skills, but rather, situational awareness, being able to exercise the right judgement and then make good snap decisions. Those are the things that keep me alive. My survival instincts have been honed greatly no thanks to the danger lurking everywhere, especially when I am up there alone. This was evident in my solo yesterday when my 'spider sense' kicked in and though there was some drama, the decisions I made prevented any incident. Thank God for giving me the wisdom.

Though the learning curve is really steep and I am not a natural talent, I am determined to continue improving. May the learning never stop.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Oh my splitting head! I have worked for more than 4 solid hours editing the contents of the inhouse college magazine. It is quite a lot of work and I do kind of regret taking over as chief editor as for this issue, but then again, my team and I should be able to put together a pretty good issue.

I cannot believe how inconsiderate some people can be. There is a new batch of juniors who just arrived yesterday and since then, my peace and quiet has been disrupted. There is one motherfucker who has been continually slamming the door each time he enters or leaves the room and it has been going on all night. It is either only one or a few of them.

There is a whole long list of such inconsiderate behavior but it will take me hours to write all of them down. Some people are just unbelievable and I shudder to think that such characters are going to be in the airline in the future.

On a more positive note, something good happened to me today and I ended up not having to do that dual check afterall on virtue of my safe performance with my instuctor so far. What luck! That is indeed great news for me and I can finally move on with my training. What luck! I hope there is more to come
Everyday will be a good day. From today on, I will make a conscious effort to shift my focus on all the images in my mind that make me happy. I will hold on to it and hopefully those thoughts can manifest themselves into reality, just as it has so many times.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Today is going to be a good day.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

It is an anomaly. Time passes so quickly here, yet the days feel like they are crawling by. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my sense of purpose and that I am merely a pawn in this game I know nothing of. Life's just like that I suppose, we simply exist to play out the roles that have been assigned to us. But what if I want to change my role? Will the universe allow me to make it happen?

I need a breakthrough again. All that drama has chipped away at my resolve and have almost succeeded in putting out the fire that used to burn fiercely in me. I am persevering to the point of suffocating and I have even started to think how easy it will be to just give up. That is how this place mind fucks you.

Then I catch myself. I have forgotten to count my blessings because they have been buried in shit, but, they are definitely there. Every mental and emotional battle that doesn't knock me out is a mini breakthrough, so all I need to do now is to survive.

Having said all that, a few issues that have been bugging me are resolved for the moment. Keep things simple and it will be all good.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I have achieved an enlightenment of some sort and that has allowed me to gain a little insight. Whatever is happening is all a test and that whatever the outcome, God knows best. I just have to trust in him fully and accept his plan for me, even though I may not understand or like it.

Come what may, I prayed for the wisdom and the tenacity to see myself through. Feels like shit sometimes, but it will all come to pass.
I feel so much better after hearing my mommy's voice today. I am starting to miss my family and I feel so homesick.

Monday, November 03, 2008

An uplifting story to share...

One day I decided to quit...

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. .. I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light.
I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would
not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared
to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. ..But just 6
months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo.
I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others."
He said.
"The bamboo had adifferent Purpose than the fern.
Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me.
"You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?"
I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

Never, Never, Never Give up

Saturday, November 01, 2008

A few things are troublling me and my spirits have sunk to an all time low. Just when I thought the shitty part is over, something else comes along and deals me another blow. All these things have a domino effect which affects everything else and I am disappointed in not fighting hard enough to stop that wave. The feelings overwhelm me but yet, I have to keep it all in. Although things are not as bad as it sounds, I am very disappointed in myself and the way things are panning out. The only emotional support I have is God and all I want to do right now is to cry out in silence and let myself go.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Some aspects of my life have gone downhill ever since I arrived in this place. The fault probably lies in me and I guess I could have tried harder, but I didn't. There are so many things on my mind right this moment. The words that are spoken have lost its meaning and they don't change a thing.
I really appreciate my dual sorties now and never to take things for granted. After doing a few solos, there is a respectful fear of the sky. There is a reason for everything that I was taught and now it becomes very clear to me. I really love doing what I am doing now but it can be unforgiving. I can only pray for the Lord to grant me wisdom when I am out there alone and be ready to handle anything and be safe.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I had a scare today but I did my best to handle the situation. It was one of those moments which required me to make a snap decision with whatever limited experience that I have. The current ATIS was deceptively mild compared to what I am seeing outside, but since there was a rare window of opportunity for me again, I went ahead.

I have never experienced such strong winds before, not even on my duals, but since it was more of a headwind, it would not present that much of a problem. Judging by the way the trees were swaying sideways, it was a full 18kts of headwind, definitely not funny. I did my checks methodically, taking care not to miss out on any item and making sure all my instruments were working properly. Everything was in order so I made the necessary radio calls and took off for circuits. The first circuit was uneventful and I took off again for a second one.

The upwind leg was really turbulent and I had to use extra effort to keep things under control, also, I had to keep my eye on the traffic in front of me. I spaced myself out on downwind and slowed myself down by deploying the 1st stage of flaps and throttling back a little. All was fine and I managed to maintain enough separation for a touch and go.

The conditions were challenging and it was all good until the end of the downwind leg. After deploying the 2nd stage of flaps, the voltage warning light suddenly illuminated. My immediate reaction was to add more power, the light should go off when I did that, but it didn’t. I added more power but the warning did not go away and I realized I had nearly exceeded the flap extension speed. To add to the drama, there was now a very strong tailwind on the downwind leg so I was blown ahead faster than usual and had to take away power. I turned for base a tad late to separate myself from the traffic which was slower than me. It was not enough,

At finals, I was still very high and the traffic in front of me was still very near me. In such cases, a go around is the right thing to do, but it was not wise given the current situation. I requested to land immediately, citing the problem and the control tower gave me priority clearance to land and made the traffic in front of me, go around instead.

The voltage warning light was illuminated all the way until shutdown and I reported the defect. All throughout, I kept asking myself if I did the right thing and after talking to a few instructors and fellow cadets, I arrived at a decision. I think for a beginner like me, I handled it pretty well. Thank God for that.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Today was the most fulfilling day for me ever since I arrived in Jandakot. All that patience and hard work to prove myself finally bore fruit. In the midst of my struggles, I have been very blessed in more ways that I can count, for which I am very grateful for. Even my luck has begun to improve and I managed to complete my first full solo sortie in a small window of decent weather.

My low crosswind rating will be my biggest handicap for now but things certainly look brighter and all set to accelerate. More challenges await me, but I will take them as opportunities to improve myself.

I am ever so excited to take them on and I now, I really feel alive.

=)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

In a comtemplative mood yet again, though there is so much going on in my mind that it is hard to type it out in words. There are things to be unhappy about but I am really trying to make the most out of the situation. It is not so much about allowing myself to revel in negativity, but facts are facts and it cannot be ignored. The only thing I can do is to shift my focus to more positive things and ride the wave. There is nothing much that I want to say, but I would like to share a passage that encouraged me.

Don’t Quit

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.” Hebrews 10:36-37 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer or the miracle hasn’t come – yet – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer or that he’s forgotten you or that he doesn’t care about you. It simply means “not yet!”

Spiritual maturity is knowing the difference between “no” and “not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay” (Hebrews 10:37 NIV).

The delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once. And, anybody can be patient twice. And, just about anybody can be patient three times. So God tests you patience over and over and over.

Why? To see how patient you are?

No, he does it to show you how patient you are. So you’ll know what’s inside of you, and you’ll be able to know your level of commitment. God tests you so that you can know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.

If you’re discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

You may be going through difficult times right now and feel like dropping off the planet. You’re discouraged because the situation you face seems unmanageable, unreasonable, or unfair.

It may seem unbearable and inside you’re basically saying, “God, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore!”

But you can.

You can stay with it longer because God is with you. He’ll enable you to press on. Remember, you are never a failure until you quit.

Don’t quit. Resist discouragement and finish the race God has set before you.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Same shit, had to wait almost a week for the next sortie. However my patience paid off and I cleared my 2nd solo today. I must say that I am getting better at keeping my cool when I am scolded and just did what I had to do. Looking forward to have things moving quickly once I get my crosswind rating next week.

Monday, October 13, 2008

 
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I like this duck. When I saw this particular bird at the Perth Zoo, it was soaking up the afternoon sun, a picture or pure contentment. I was immediately struck by its unruffled demeanour and managed to creep up close enough to take this shot.

The idiom, sitting duck comes to mind. It is an apt depiction of the vulnerable situation that I am in. I will remain in this precarious position until this training stint is complete. Until then, I am almost defenseless. I can only paint that picture of faith and hold onto it with all my might.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A timely call this morning quelled whatever worries that I had. I am back on track!
Spent the whole day mulling over the sortie and thinking of ways I can improve my performance on the subsequent circuits that I will be doing. I have come a long way, having corrected a fair amount of mistakes and maintaining consistency, however it can always be better. Now that I have gotten the circuit up to standard, my next big challenge is to conquer the crosswinds.

The one thing that sometimes fuck up circuit sortie is a strong crosswind. At this stage, I am still not that good at handling it but I must not let it get the better of me. I have begun to do some things instinctively without realizing it, which is why I was surprised to learn I actually have a crosswind technique. However, in order to execute it well, I need to understand how it is done. After talking to fellow cadets and instructors, I think I have a pretty good idea about it now, all I need to do is to apply it. Who knows, I may just be one of the few who get a M15 rating.

Now that is a pleasant thought to behold, but as for now, I must steadily learn and continue to improve.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

The claps and cheers reverberated throughout the dining hall as I rang the solo bell for the very first time. This defining moment is one which I have waited a very long time for and I will forever remember this day. Although it is not the first time I have gone solo, the difficult circumstances that I had to go through this time round, made this experience especially sweet.

I could hardly contain my excitement as I made the ready call at the holding point. For the first time since I set foot on Jandakot soil, I was on my own. I kept my focus steady as I calmly took off. As my survival instincts kicked in, my sense of awareness increased. In comparison to my very first solo experience, this is a slightly different ball game. I had to be a lot more disciplined to stay on of the situation at all times. Thankfully, I did not have to deal with any additional drama except that I rolled onto finals a tad to high and had to make quick but deliberate corrections. All these small changes were necessary to make a stable approach. At the same time, I kept the finals work cycle going, and once I am certain I was going to make it, I throttled the power back a fraction. As I rounded out over the threshold, I idled the power and arrested the sink by doing a straight and level while simultaneously pulling gentle back pressure and keeping the nose straight. The stall warning horn sounded just before I felt a gentle thud.

The entire experience was out of this world and I could not stop smiling as I shook the hands that were extended to congratulate me. It is only when we do not achieve something easily that we can truly appreciate and savour the moment. Needless to say, the mixed emotions kept me up half the night.

This is the first hurdle and there are more to come so slacking up is not an option. I can only hope that I get better and better and continue to persevere because it does pay off. I am only defeated if I give up so I must develop the right attitude and hang on by the teeth if I have to. The actual work has to begin from within, only then can it manifest itself in my performance.

Friday, October 03, 2008

The unease would not go away and I felt my heart slowly being poisoned by my own thoughts. I ended up being my own saboteur and everyday, I was aware of just how bad I was feeling. My soul was constantly restless and would not be still. Thus, I sought the Lord for answers.

I was led to read The Epistle of James in the bible. Though I read it through, the words of wisdom did not take root and again, I let down my guard and allowed myself to be consumed by negativity. Again, the Book of James came up in one of my conversations with a fellow cadet. He suddenly remembered he had a collection of sermons on audio CD by Pastor Benny Ho. It was a 13 part about growing in spiritual maturity, based on that very same book. The answers were revealed to me and I have consolidated the words of the pastor that really struck me.

Most of us are immature spiritually and we will never really know God and have the character of Christ until we have been tested. Thus, we have to persevere in trials and hold on to his promises. When have been tested, we will come forth as gold and the only things that burn away are the things that bind us. Those who persevere in trials are the ones who are blessed.

I have also realized why I seem to have lost inner peace. The problem lies in my heart, which was not discerning enough, and that whatever I received from God was with a bias. If the heart is not pure, it will colour the way we interpret things. Wisdom gets corrupted and unspiritual as such. Because my heart was tainted, the wisdom that was operating in me was distorted as well.

Again on the topic of wisdom, it is said that he who walks with the wise, grows wise. I find this to be very true because I often find a spiritual affinity with people who have a certain wisdom that can only be given to them by God. he wise. He who walks with the wise, grows wise.

It is also very important to contemplate within ourselves because reflection, combined with careful observation, equals wisdom. So in order for us to walk in harmony and coherence, our hearts must be healed first of all.

Everything starts with a dream and persistance and we must be able to perceive what is at the end for it to become reality. We are never defeated until we give up on ourselves. In our hearts, we plan our course it is God who determines our step. If our plans flow in line with God's purpose, only then it will prevail. So I say this again, commit to the Lord in whatever we do and then our plans will succeed.

Commit I did, truly, as this time round I prayed for my heart to be pure again. I felt that all familiar sense of peace again and it was as if my whole world brightened up with hope once more. The weather finally became favourable after keeping me on the ground for the past 9 days. My newfound optimism and faith shone through in my performance today and I made a drastic improvement.

May my faith continue to see me through.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

When will this ever end? We have already done the presentations as part of our 'sentence', but yet I am told we will have to present it again to another group of audience. My understanding is that we do it once and we are off the hook, but apparently that is not the case. What the fuck? We do it well, we have to do it again so that others can 'benefit' from it. Do a bad one, we have to re-do it because it is not satisfactory. From the looks of it, getting it over and done with does not apply here, because someone does not want it to be over.

The paradise I thought I would find here is slowly turning into hell. How can I trust twisted words with double meaning? I feel that we are being played and it is a game that we cannot win because truth is, we are at the mercy of this organization, the environment and the weather.

Everyday, I spend most of my time in the confines of my room staring at my computer screen, just waiting and fighting hard to keep my spirits up. At this moment, I cannot find any fulfillment in whatever I am doing but I hope it is only a matter of time. I cannot even turn to my closest friends because they are busy leading their own lives. Besides, I do not want to put a dampener on their moods, talking about things they won't be able to fully understand.

The stolen moments are not good enough. So near, yet so distant. I don't get to spend quality time with Viv freely anymore and yet, I do not have the freedom of doing whatever I please because of obvious considerations.

I feel sick in the stomach.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Managed to put myself in the spotlight again for the wrong reasons and now, yet another thing that keeps me sane, is taken away from me. It now becomes near impossible for me to spend personal time with Viv alone, not unless we get out of this place.

Someone has taken a personal interest in my affairs and has infringed on my privacy. I am numb to all the shit that has been happening as being emotional at this point of time will do me no good at all. There is no use getting angry and fighting for my so-called rights, because that would just jeopardize my position.

Still, despite all the recent events, I can still count my blessings. God must have his reasons for putting me through all these now, I can only pray and keep the faith.
What a strange day it has been. The Lord spoke to me through the people I happened to have a conversation with today. There was an immense sense of comfort which I felt and it lifted my weary spirit. Patient I shall be.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I do realize I sound quite negative in my more recent posts but it is merely to let off steam. I will be ok once I have ranted. Although things have not been going all that smoothly, I have had quite a bit of help along the way, just that some factors is simply out of everyone's hands. In this aspect, I have been very blessed, just that I have allowed the accumulation of all these events to finally get to me.

A friend of mine actually set me straight with some words of encouragement, he said some of the best start off the slowest. To be here is already a feat I never imagined possible, so even though I am slow now, I have my mind set on being good.

The motto of my primary school comes back to mind, "The best that we can be." So I shall give it my best, may the momentum start again.
Will be serving my 'sentence' starting next Saturday. The punishment is something I can accept even though others have commented that it is not fair to me. Well, there will be times in our lives that we get the short end of the stick so this time it's my turn again, no big deal.

However, there is a certain type of character which I absolutely despise. There is no proper word to sum up such a character but a snake is probably the best comparison. They are people who are cunning and insinuative, and prey on those who are helpless and weak because that's a sure-win. The good thing about them is they are efficient and get the job done so it keeps those who are of a higher position, happy. Fair enough.

Those who are at their mercy will not have the same sentiments. What absolutely gets to me is how they act like they have your best interests at heart when really, they are just pissed because their authority and control has been undermined. They cannot bear it when they are crossed and take some form of revenge. Best of all, these certain kind of people takes credit from others and when it comes to doing the nasty, it is conveniently their superiors' decision. So, they can appear to be the good person when they are behind it all in the first place.

I have no respect for such people but to clash with them head-on is foolish. I shall be on my toes from now on and fight my own fight.

Friday, September 26, 2008

No more Chicken in a Biscuit for me after I am done with this box. I cannot seem to stop eating them. The same goes to other kinds of snacks. Out of sight, out of mind.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Where I am, spontaneity is best left for a life outside these prison walls. The decision to tag along for a joyride on the spur of the moment got me into trouble today. To cut a long story short, a group of us went out before 1530 without filling up a consent form and we got caught. Unfortunately so, by someone who will pursue this matter to the ends of the earth.

Pursue he did and each of us were each slapped with 5 weekend ops duties as well as do a tech brief. True, we did break a rule but I felt things were blown out of proportion. If anything, it is more like a power tussle to exert an authority over us, which we undermined. I honestly don't buy the cock and bull shit about being accountable for our safety and such. It is ironic that the one day I overlook a stupid rule, I get busted.

Given my position, I certainly do not seem to enjoy much privileges. I am not expecting special treatment but I have been shortchanged time and time again. In a stifling environment such as this, some things which I should brushed aside are just becoming more pronounced.

I got a temporary instructor change which is almost akin to starting over. I don't know what to make of it, except give it my best shot. Hopefully my best will be good enough.

My previous occupation taught me well. I am able to hide much of my feelings and I am feeling more alone than ever. Even God seems kinda distant now...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I don't believe this, the situation just keeps getting worse. To add on to everything, my instructor hurt her back and she will be on medical leave for the rest of the week. This does not bode well for me as I may have to be reassigned to another instructor due to latency issues.

Not that it will do much good anyway because the winds are not letting up. By the time the weather gets better, it would have been 2 weeks since I have my hands on the controls. That, on top of the 10 days I had to wait prior to doing the last 2 sorties.

The absolute lack of continuity will definitely affect my performance somewhat but that does not present much of a problem, yet. The feeling of incredulity has passed and has been replaced with one of tired resignation.

I do believe however, things will look up because they always do.
Having the existing tattoos coloured over with fine-tipped markers tickled me silly and I could not stop squirming and laughing. We are an oddball couple but yet it is oh-so-fun sometimes.

Boredom does bring out the silliness in me and my backside is starting to itch again. Now, if only I can be still...

It has been ages since I last touched the piano. Given the amount of free time I have these days, it would really be the perfect time to improvise on some tunes. All that is missing is the instrument. That pretty much sums up my life right now, the deciding factor is always missing.

While my life has gotten decidedly dull, I welcome it to a certain extent. I am just glad that there is no more drama.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A spate of bad luck that just keep coming in waves. I have had to cancel that crucial sorties for the umpteenth time. If it is not the weather, it is something else that crops up. The weather looks deceptively fine with clear blue skies, but the winds are really strong at this time of the year. It is the transition period in between seasons and I am caught right in the middle of it.

Another week of waiting it out. When will the day ever come?
Nabei, still waiting and because of that, I have nothing much to update. For the past 2 weeks, I have become a slave to the ever-changing weather and it does not seem to yield enough to create that small window of opportunity which I need. So I have nothing to do except to wait.

This leaves me plenty of time to be a mini bitch to Viv and to watch all the shows and movies that I want. I also sleep a lot earlier and more than I usually do, no complaints there. I really prefer having something constructive to do, but til then, I have not much control over the situation. But once I get this over and done with, I will go full throttle.

Ah well, things will take a turn for the better at some stage. It is hard work curbing the natural impatience in me.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Found my missing earring at the last place I'd think of looking. I had searched everywhere the night before, but to no avail. Then yesterday, as I was walking to the car, I looked down and at the exact spot that I cast my glance, I saw my earring lying on the gravel. What luck!

I was feeling a lot of love yesterday and I like myself that way so much more. It is not enough for others to love me, because I would want to return the love. I had mentioned in my earlier posts that I was feeling dead and that I needed to do something to feel alive. Well, it was right under my nose the whole time. Sometimes when we are too busy wallowing in negativity, we don't see what is clearly in front of us.

I am well aware that I was allowing the negative feelings to poison my mind, so I prayed to the Lord to open my spiritual eyes, and He did. Love, in any form, does conquer all.

I did not run at all last week as I did not want to aggravate my battle with a virus that has been going around. Besides, the weather sucked all week so I decided not to push things, which is probably a wise decision.

All that aside, this week will be a crucial week for me. Since there are only 2 decent weather days the entire week, I can only do my best and pray for a stroke of luck. If I miss that window, then it will just be a matter of time and that I will make the most out of the situation.

All in good time.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I have come across very dedicated instructors who are veterans in this field, but yet make concerted efforts to impart their skills and knowledge. That kind of dedication truly wins my respect and it is definately an inspiration to me.

There is a new stirring in my heart and a sudden shift in attitude towards learning. I am eager to know as much as I can, understand why some things are done a certain way and how to arrive at a decision. It is as if a light bulb has just exploded with light in my head and the picture now becomes much clearer than before.

I am a jack of many trades and an ace in none. But I will definately work for something that fuels my enthusiasm. Without a doubt, I know I have made the right decision to pursue this.

Without a doubt at all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

What a pig I am. For the past 2 months, I have been indulging in all sorts of junk food that I normally avoid. The only meal that is even remotely healthy is my breakfast. Despite this, I am still slowly losing weight, something which I am of course, not complaining about! Rather than abstain, I just satisfy my cravings and keep the portions small. I am done with painstakingly reading the labels of everything I consume, I just eat whatever I like but in moderation.

While health nut in me has gone back into the closet, I still enjoy exercise and have made it a part of my lifestyle. Lately, I have been running faster and more regularly, and that definately plays a huge part. So far so good, I am happy enough for now but ultimately, the goal is to be even more trim. Who doesn't like to look nice in clothes and pictures? I know for a fact, I do.

Since I don't get to do anything really productive until I clear this hurdle, I will make this my happy little project.
My roomie's stuffed tortoise is hilarious and he seems to have a life of his own. Heh.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

This place is starting to feel no different from a prison, since we are being made to feel like criminals. Speculation is rife that there is a snitch amongst us. The possibility sends a chill down my spine.

Is this what I gave up so much for? The paradise I thought I am in is fast becoming an illusion.
The wait is a very lonely one. There are people all around me but yet I still feel strangely alone. It is getting progressively harder for me to express these feelings because when I do, I always hear the same old politically correct advice and piece of shit 'words of widsom'. Things that I already know and am so sick of hearing. I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself, if I can change things, I definately would but that would be akin to walking on egg shells. Something has got to give, if the situation cannot change, my attitude has to.

It is not easy doing that in an environment that is ever so stifling. Right now, I just want to do my shit and get the fuck out of here. The longer I stay, the deeper I sink into the negativity. I have so much free time on my hands, yet I am not able to do anything productive with it except watch the minutes tick by. There is a desperate need to feel alive, to be inspired and motivated all over again.

I have got to be stronger than this because hell, I have too much time to mull over unnecessary issues that make me unhappy. I can only pray to the Lord every night to lift my melacholic spirit.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Ever since I made up my mind to embark on this journey, I have been continually challenged, every step of the way. It has not been smooth and I have had to prove myself time and time again. On a few occasions, I would lie in bed and be suddenly seized with a cold fear and a niggling doubt at the back of my head. It is during those times that I feel very weary and dejected, especially when I have to struggle with my ego and humble myself. However, but my fighting spirit refuses to give up.

Although, my previous occupation has given me more than a fair dose of humility, my pride still burns strongly deep inside me. My ego does get the better of me sometimes but I am getting better at managing that. Throughout the years, I have learnt many precious lessons and have had many opportunities to grow in character, strength and wisdom. I believe that the mini trials that God has put me through will prepare me for the bigger picture that only He sees.

Many times, I have asked God why, but I have come to realize that I have just got to trust in Him with all my heart. Only He knows why and I will never be able to understand His master plan for me. All I know is, He has always delievered in a way that He sees fit. For whatever I do not get now, I always get something better in the end.

On the whole, I would say I have been very lucky indeed. I have had my some minor setbacks but the destination at the end is still clearly within sight. Maybe I might take a little slower than the majority, but I know I will get there.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I am getting there. Sometimes it just takes a little longer, but end result will still be a positive one. Patience is really a virtue and I must not let my impatience get the better of me.

I proved myself again today and it won't be long now.:)

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The perfect plan, or would have been, if only the key player had been well enough to put that plan into action. As it turns out, it is not too bad a thing as I am experiencing severe fatigue due to a screwed-up sleep cycle. Things worked themselves out afterall, just that it is a waste of such lovely weather. Oh well.

There are times when I feel like I am losing myself in the bigger picture. Yet, instead of getting lost in the plot, I know I must make my voice heard when it counts.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Today, I participated in the 4km run in City to Surf, my first major running event in Perth. The distance is comfortanble for me and is perfect for both speed and endurance. I felt the adrenaline rush kick in as I surged ahead. There were thousands and thousands of other runners and walkers and it was frustrating to be slowed down by the volume of people moving at different speeds. I could have sworn I ran an additional 200m, weaving in and out of the crowd.

Despite that, I was quite happy to finish with a time of below 21 minutes. I don't usually time myself when I run, but today I decided to push myself just for the fun of it.

I feel satisfied and revitalized, off to bed now. Over and out.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The week has gone by in a flash. Yet, it's another sleepless night for me as I mull over the restless thoughts that are keeping me awake. The old cynic in me has returned and I am feeling a renewed sense of detachment from everything and everyone. The journey I have chosen is a very lonely one and I feel more alone than ever. Though I have been unhappy about the way some things are done, it is not time to speak up yet.

The true colours of some people around me are more obvious than ever and they sure as hell aren't pretty. In an environment where people clambour over others to get ahead and conveniently shift responsibities to others, it is a struggle to suppress the strong desire to lash out at such characters. I must change my hotheaded mentality, lower my expectations of people and fight the battle in the most non-confrontational way posssible.

I no longer find comfort in the same places and tonight, I realized just how much I have misplaced my faith. Isn't it ironic that the ones who hurt us the most are the ones closest to our hearts? I am hardly surprised as it has always been common knowledge, that has sadly been proven time after time. The only one who truly knows how I feel is God and I pray His love will soothe the unhappiness in my soul.

Right now I just want to be left alone.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Love does not necessarily equate to patience. For some strange reason, I am usually tolerant towards people who are not close to my heart and yet lash out at those who are. Viv is the total opposite, he seems to have the patience of a saint when it comes to me but hey, I cannot help it if I am cute and that amuses him enough to take my nonsense. I was in one of my moods today and poor Viv had to bear the brunt of my bad behavior. I feel bad about it now, though the thought of us irritating each other on purpose does allow a smile to play on my lips.

I don't like being too nice and accomodating because people take advantage of it and that annoys me to no end. There have already been some instances over here where I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick. However in this case, it is better to get along than get my way, just that I will put my foot down if it gets too much.

Having said all that, I must make a conscious effort not to take Viv for granted and love him even more. He just has to wait for PMS to get out of the way first.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The conditions were far from favourable but I experienced a breakthrough at the eleventh hour. Though I was bumped around the entire sortie, I had more positive control and managed to do a stabilized approach with much better judgement. I also made a conscious effort not to repeat my past mistakes and was successful in achieving the accuracy that I wanted.

Surprisingly, the two cushions, instead of one, made all the difference! This is the standard I want to keep up and hopefully, improve even further. I know I sound very vague in my more recent entries but unfortunately, only people in the know will understand just what I am describing. But for now, I prefer to remain elusive on this matter.

Right now, I am simply beaming from ear to ear and I can hardly wait for the next sortie! I am close to the clearing the first hurdle.

=)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

People change, for better or worse, and it is hard to find a friendship that stands the test of time. Many friendships are forged on a superficial level and these often crumble away into nothing after awhile. Even those who have had a steady presence in my life flicker on and off, like the flame of a candle, especially when their priorities change.

It is indeed an imperfect world that we live in and to find that perfect friendship or relationship is akin to finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. Nothing is forever and I have accepted that people come and go and that some friends are really not worth the effort. Then there are some people who resuface after a few years to give a fresh new jolt to the friendship that was long forgotten. I find it very heartwarming when I feel an affinity or connection to some people, even if it is only for that fleeting moment. Even better if it is for a longer period or time.

There are some friendships that I would love to rekindle while there are some that I would prefer to leave in the dust as I move on. I am happy to say that I have a few meaningful friendships right this moment and it is only fair that I focus on the people who really matter and to let go of those who have disappointed me one time too many.

Digressing now, I am really happy at how things have panned out and I am moving surely towards where I have set my sights on. A few days ago, I realized just how much my mother loves me and that it must have taken her great courage to support the decisions I have made so far. I love my mommy so very much and I am even more determined to do her proud. There is no giving up now and I will do myself the biggest favour that I have ever done for myself by placing absolute trust in the Lord.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Blackout. The darkness that enveloped me was so black that my eyes could barely pierce through the night. It was a scary affair navigating the corridors as I was half expecting to see a flash of white streak past me. But thankfully, that did not happen. Heh, me and my imagination.

The past few days have been very fulfilling and I can feel myself improving. It is indeed a very gratifying experience and I am totally looking forward to the next sortie.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

I would love it here a lot more if I can take to the skies more often. The simple joy of being close to the sky with the clouds just within reach, the feeling of the warm sun and the gentle breeze carassing your skin is absolute heaven.

I am a fighter and I want to improve and be better than ever. Now that the gears have been set in motion, the optimism is back and things are starting to look up once again. Having Viv in my life and right by my side is the best thing of all.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I don't like.

I do not like it when random strangers add me on Facebook or MSN especially if I do not know them and have no link to them whatsoever, without prior introduction.

I am also not too hot on the idea of joining a cell group. I know it will be good for me if I do, but I am simply not ready to commit that time just yet. I trust the Lord, but I do not trust some of God's people. I wonder why I am shrinking back into my shell when I don't have a reason to be.

I am becoming less tolerant and more judgemental and I do not feel like talking about it now. There's been no drama so far because I keep it in but hell, I do not feel good about it. I must sort myself out but I do not feel like talking about it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

There are days where I feel that the optimism has been drained out of me and today is such a day. Things, other than the weather, look dismal at times. Progress-wise, things are good but it is the environment that gets you down sometimes. It is very hard to put into words what I am feeling but I feel like I am losing myself. I am a shadow of my former self and I feel shut off from the rest of the world.

It is a balance that is very hard to strike. Sometimes there is just no one to turn to, but God.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I am not a saint and I try not to judge anyone if I can help it. But I must say that, it is disturbing to know certain things about people whom I am friends or acquaintences with. I will not elaborate further as it is not my business to discuss these things on my blog but I am absolutely disappointed in some of them. Especially those I have always had a high regard for. It is often harder to accept if the guy or girl is perceived as a good, solid character in the eyes of everyone. It is a kind of betrayal and a very big one at that. Needless to say, if the offending party has always been an asshole, people will just dismiss it without much hooha.

It is no use appearing so nice and helpful and then screw up people's opinion of you later on. Bah.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

This phase in my life is probably the happiest and most fulfilling one for me, but yet, I cannot detail my experiences here, as it would give too much away. Some things are best kept low profile so that leaves nothing much to write about.

I have had numerous internal struggles in the past and there were many instances where I felt vulnerable and exposed. But now, I finally know how it feels like to be in a happy bubble, because I am in one right now, for the first time in a decade or so. I must say, it feels very nice, Time seems to pass a little slower here, probably due to the relaxed pace of life and even better, that I get to spend it with Viv and pursuing that dream. I am indeed in a world of two and everything is harmoniously in its place. Yet I do know that I must strike a balance and that I must not lose sight of the goal.

The feeling of detachment surfaces every now and then and I feel cut off from reality. Though, I have a peace of mind and have no immediate worries, I must be careful not to lose sight of my purpose in life. When people have to struggle with themselves and their circumstances, they grow spiritually and become stronger. But yet, when there is harmony, there is no growth and the soul continues to search for something. I am missing that spark and I need to rekindle the flame of the fire that used to burn within me.

Life is an anomaly, isn't it?

Monday, July 21, 2008

A week has passed since the day I left. Everything happened so quickly that I did not have time to say goodbye to everyone. The results were only released a couple of hours before I was scheduled to leave. To cut the long story short, I did not heed the advice to postpone my ticket as I just knew the results would be out and that I would pass. The gamble paid off and though it was a mad rush that day, I arrived at my destination without any drama. The face that I have been wanting to see the most greeted me at the airport and I was overwhelmed by the feelings welling up in me. It is a great start to a new chapter in my life that is just about to begin.

So here I am in Jandakot after a long period of waiting and it has been lovely so far. There is still a lot to get used to but I have gotten myself settled in pretty quickly. Over here, it is very easy to be lulled into a false sense of security because things are moving at a pace that is a tad too slow. It is almost like being on holiday but at the back of my mind, I know what I am here for and that I cannot afford to slack.

Yesterday, I went to a church and it really feels like back home. I know that God is always here for me and He is the reason that I am here now. There is that underlying fear and apprehension but I must let that all go and rest it in Him.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Results are not out yet, most likely Monday, which is also the day I booked my ticket to leave. Luckily it is a night flight, so I can still make it, IF the results come out Monday. So I will just do clearance first.

Feeling the angst from all the waiting. I hate to wait.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Nabei. Uncle P was not exaggerating when he said he said even a Form 5 student can solve some of the stuff we learn in college.

I was presented with this problem today:

89, 72, 77, 49, 54, 20, __, __

What is the last two numbers? It took me about 5 minutes to spot the pattern. There are freaking two patterns ok!!! And it is not multiple choice.

The solution:

Part 1
8 x 9 = 72
7 x 7 = 49
5 x 4 = 20

Part 2
72 + 5 = 77
49 + 5 = 54

Therefore, the last two numbers are 20 + 5 = 25 and 2 x 5 = 10

..........

..........

..........

Apparently, that problem is taken from a freaking Primary 4 Mathematics syllabus for streaming purposes in a neighbourhood school. WTF! They are really grooming the next generation to become geniuses.

Oh well, I hope they work on their EQ too. Some Singaporean kids are so spoilt rotten that they deserve a good spanking or two.
It's me again. My backside is itching and I am raring to go. I really, really, really cannot wait to catch a whiff of AVGAS. It is only then that I know I am finally at the place where my adventure begins again.

Also, I miss Viv and I want to be with him even though I am slightly allergic to him.;p Hehe!

I am very happy to be back in touch with 2 friends whom I have lost contact with. The strange thing is, I was just wondering about them a few days back and it was indeed a very heartwarming surprise when I got their messages in Facebook. God who created the universe works in wondrous ways.

I have come to realize this, whatever I have pictured fondly in my mind are playing themselves out in reality now. And whatever I fear and do not want can become reality too. So in conclusion, I will only keep fond images in my head and eradicate all fears and worries and trust in the Lord.
I am very free nowadays but I have no mood to blog. The lift upgrading works have been nothing but absolute torture. The noise is so loud that I cannot even hear myself speak and my whole house is vibrating. Today, the workers reduced the lift landing outside my unit to a pile of rubble. I cannot even bring my poor doggies out for a walk, because they have no place to walk and the debris will hurt their paw pads.

Needless to say, I am in a very cranky mood.

Results are still not out yet and to be honest, I won't be surprised if they are not out by tomorrow. Lately, there has been a lot of delays in releasing the results. All set to go but cannot go anywhere. Ok bye!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had on Piano

Julz sent me this link via email, one of the best versions of it I have heard. Enjoy!:)

Saturday, July 05, 2008

What will I do? Should I be caught in an icky situation that calls for me to make a split second decision, what will I do? Will I be able to make that snap decision that does not embarrass me or worse, get me killed? What if there is a lot at stake? Will I be able to walk away from an incident knowing that I could have made no better decision?

Of course, in my calm state of mind right now, I would possibly be able to execute a good snap judgement. But it is all very different when the mind is in a state of total panic and chaos. In whatever case, I will just let God take the wheel.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Nothing new in my life. Still in the process of packing and getting rid of stuff. And since my mom is away til Sunday to visit a relative, I have been saddled with the housework and cleaning up after everyone.

This sucks. I hate it.

Miko has adopted me as her surrogate mother for the time being and she has taken to following me everywhere with a woebegone look on her face, never letting me out of her sight. Even from where I sit, I can feel her eyes burning holes into my back.

The incessant drilling that has been going on is driving me nuts and I can get no peace. Anyhow, the excitement that has been bubbling up in me is keeping me positive. I cannot wait!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

This is so not funny at all. I did not realize how much stuff I have cluttering my room. No more things! No more! I will promise myself only to buy things I really, really like.
Oh my God. I discovered a ton of clothes I have never worn and I don't like them anymore. Donate!
How did I end up with SO MUCH stuff? It is unbelievable. Today, I am going going to clearing up the clutter in my room. It is going to be a bitch but I will feel a lot better once it's done.

Starting will be the hardest thing to do.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Much of my time is spent on a deep conversation with myself and God. Many of my thoughts are fleeting, but every once in a while, I will mull over those that seem to be trying to tell me something.

I have come across nearly all types of people and there will always be that occasional handful that piss the shit out of me, people whom I simply cannot feel the love for. Why can't everyone be nice and get along with one another? Why are there vindictive people who take pleasure in talking shit and hurting others? Why are there such wicked and manipulative people? There are so many whys and the questions are never ending. I have always wondered why God allowed such hateful people to exist.

Then I came to a chapter in this book about leading a purpose driven life and I got my answer. If everyone is nice and kind to us, it easy to love them back and accord the same treatment in return. But God is the God of love and He wants us all to have enough grace to love and be kind to those whose hearts are tainted by malice and those who derive sadistic pleasure in hurting others. There are many lessons to be learnt here. A grudge is like a thorn in the heart and resentment and envy is like a fog that clouds one's vision. But forgiveness and love is like a light that radiates and lifts the spirit. Nabei, it is not easy but it is really not as difficult as I thought it would be. The person who bears the ill feelings is the one who is suffering anyway, not me. So yes, forgive I can do but I am still learning to feel the love. All in good time, no?

It is the things that I don't have much of that I really treasure. Material things are nice to have but not a need. I get bored easily. Being the major poot that I am, once I get something that I have been coveting, I just don't treasure it that much anymore. Isn't that so typical of human nature? Speaking of which, I have a ton of clothes, shoes, accessories and toiletries which I have to leave behind. I will be forced to survive on about 40kg worth of possessions.

Now that life is simplified, I do feel so much happier.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Poor Nicky Cha, he is one sought after hot dog. He is devious crook when it comes to bullying me and my mama into giving him food and bringing him for a walk. However, when my neighbour's Golden Retriever tried to rape him the other day, I could see the look of puzzled innocence in his eyes. It's weird because they are both male and he only goes for my Nicky Cha.

Even at home, he is not spared. When he is lying down, minding his own business, Miko would come up to him, grab him from the side and hump him. She also has this weird fetish of sitting on his nose when he is sleeping. Wassup with that man!?!

I cannot believe it, 7 years old and zero instinct to reproduce. Even male dogs that have been sterilized still try and get funky sometimes. The only thing he knows is to bark up a storm when he wants to get his way, or offer me his paw in exchange for food. I will surely miss my dogs and their antics when it is time for me to leave.

Oh well, need to get my preparations done early. I need a new pair of running shoes. The ones I have, have lost their ability to absorb impact and is causing my knee to hurt when I run. I want to run at least 3 times a week to keep fit. So having said that, other than a few irritating people who pop up every now and then to annoy me, life is good. There is no looking back now.
Some people's existence are not worth giving two hoots about. I mean like seriously... bitching about people you don't know without any good reason equals zero class. Enough said.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Has it really been that long? It has been slightly over a month now since the day Viv left for Jandakot. Yet with him, it does not feel like we are thousands of miles apart. The daily phone calls, messages and chats over MSN keeps us close, so it always seems like he is close by.

I may be expressive in writing but I am not exactly mushy and over-affectionate. I mean of course, if the feeling is not mutual, I will not fake it. In fact it annoys me sometimes because I do have my solitary moods and I need need my space. Again, if my territory is encroached upon, I will shrink away and shut off. But with Viv, it is totally different, but even he gets a bit of it sometimes. Sometimes only.:P

I have been told I am not easy to handle, but I guess in this case, it just takes the right person to come along.

God, I miss him.
Ah well, I cannnot leave just yet, gotta wait for the results to be out in another 2 weeks or so before I can go. Just as well, whether I am here or in Perth now or later, it does not really make a difference. So I am happy either way.

I know I have cleared this final hurdle in Singapore, I am just waiting for it to be official. Then I will embark on yet another, challenging new phase, one which I will find a whole lot more exciting. I am all geared up for it and I will start doing some light reading and familiarize myself with the procedures to prepare myself.

Today, I decided to give myself a break from my daily run to let my muscles rest. I absolutely love the rush of adrenaline and power when I am running. My usual routine feels easier, but it was never a challenge to begin with, except to start on it after a long hiatus. I need to push myself even further. That, I will do tomorrow.
Anytime now... though the tentative date of departure is set sometime during the second week of July, I am hoping to leave even earlier.

Friday, June 20, 2008

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Small victory! But oh so freaking overjoyed! This is my best birthday present so far!
WOOHOO! I am so happy I feel like dancing around a tree now.

=)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Turning a quarter century old today does not make me feel any different. if anything, I do feel, behave and look younger these days. (I hope lah heh:p) That jaded feeling that has been gnawing at me over the years has left me some time back and now I embrace life with a new found zest and purpose. Maybe it has to do with the attitude that I have adopted circumstances that are beyond my control. That is, to leave it all up to the Lord and his wisdom.

The year that I was 24 has been a great one for me, I have much to be thankful for. I got to finally have a shot at my dreams and I met my dream guy. I have never been more contented and happier than this. Now that I am 25, I pray that my focus will not waver at any point and that I will have spiritual restfulness with God as I continue on with the next chapter in my life.

Anyhoo, I went over to Nicole's place today to run with her and her dogs, Odi and Cherry. The fatigue in my muscles ebbed away as I pounded on the pavement with the two dogs running beside us. The doggies really motivated us to run and even stopped to wait while we catch up with them. Jack Russells are running machines man and they did not even stray, just ran beside us faithfully. We covered quite a distance and Odi even kept up with me when I sprinted towards the end. Lucky Nicole, so jealous now hmph! Nicky and Miko can barely run 100m before they kapoot, too much fur on their bodies and also very fat heh heh.
Though I love them both very much, the next dog I own will be a running machine. It is so much nicer to have company when I run. My babe was so sweet, she cooked me a healthy lunch of brown rice porridge, quinoa, meat and broccoli. Just the sort of food I like, I am very much into healthy food. But I ate quite a bit of chocolate when I came back heh, there goes my plan to lose weight.

I would very much love to spend my birthday with Viv but he is all the way in Perth. For now, I have to be content with hearing his voice over the phone a few times a day. Going to have dinner with my family now, I love simple and quiet birthday celebrations such as these.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Nabei, kenna mild heatstroke while walking in to college today with the afternoon sun beating fiercely down on me. Now that I am back home, the headache is more pronounced and I feel as though my head is being pounded repeatedly with a sledgehammer.

I went sun tanning with Nicole yesterday so I am nicely browned now. I have always sported the tanned, healthy look but I stopped for some time. Now I know why I did not continue with it, it is extremely damaging for the skin. My skin feels like a piece of cracked leather and I just hope I don't start peeling.

My poor dogs must be suffering under all that fur. Miko had her fur shaved off recently to get rid of the matted fur, but even she pants like her life depends on it. Yesterday, someone mistook her for a ferocious pitbull. She is a Japanese Spitz, but I suppose her shaved look makes her look badass and the size is about right. I had a good laugh over that.

Feel like doing shit to my hair again, argh....

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The sweltering heat makes me feel murderous. I do not even imagine how I will feel if I am out in town and have to squeeze with the throngs of people coming my way.

Though I do have moments where I get irritable, I do feel a lot better when I put mean thoughts aside and make an effort to be a nicer person. It is often hard to get past certain feelings and not being able to are stumbling blocks to happiness and having a peace of mind.

I have heard countless testimonies but the testimony I heard yesterday was by far, the most powerful one. It was about a Buddhist nun whose heart was changed by the Lord who freed her of her pain and years of suffering.

The Lord is truly great.

Friday, June 13, 2008

It is that antsy-pantsy feeling I have again. The same one that kept me awake last night.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Just seconds after I blogged my last entry, I received an email from Judy and I clicked on this link.

I can feel the Lord speaking to me and there is this tingle all over. I will be patient and trust in Him, walk humbly with God I must.
I know I said I do not want any drama in my life but I may just go about creating my own drama now.

Because I am feeling bored and restless. What can I do to alleviate these feelings? I do ponder a lot about things but I still can find no answers or consolation. Not much I do can still the restlessness in me. Basically, I know I just want to get this over and done with and then leave. However, knowing me, I will just get bored in Perth as well.

I want to get started, I want to feel the rush of excitement when I am up in the air again. Most of all, I want to see Viv. This countdown is the longest one I have ever experienced.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

He said he'd dance around a banana tree for me if I am bored and if it would make me smile. What a poot.

:)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Anyone who can put up with my nonsense is a keeper, but then again, I am considered alright if I were to compare myself with some crazy women heh heh.:) No harm spicing things up with a little dose of attitude, no?

Walking my dogs and seeing them happy makes me happy. I wish Nicky Cha Bong can run with me but he is so fat that he might just die of a heart attack if I make him. It will be nice to run with my dogs but for now, I am on my own.

I was feeling bored, ultra restless and a tad moody, but those feelings have passed. I really prefer to be left alone when I get this way. I will go for a run when I wake up tomorrow morning. It will do me good. Missing the poot...
Sigh, it could have been me arriving in Perth this morning...

Hearing his voice everyday sends my heart soaring everytime and it makes the distance just a bit more bearable.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Why did I ever stop running? I have forgotten how great and alive I feel after a good run. Today, a passage in a book I was reading jumped out at me. It was about the relationship between love and time. To dedicate your time to someone is one of the greatest way of showing love. Time is the most precious thing you can ever give, since no amount of money can buy back time that has passed.

How very true indeed.
Momentum, once lost, is extremely difficult to get back. I finally understand the full force of its impact now and it does not bode well for me. I go crazy when people start nagging but this is one of those times I actually miss having Viv nag at me. I have got to do this on my own now and I need to snap out of this rut right this instant.

Looking back, I cannot imagine how much I studied for ATPLs just weeks ago. It now seems like a bad dream which I have shoved away in some distant memory. I must harness my last-minute, uber-absorbing capabilities to see myself through this.
It is really strange, but something tells me I should request to leave for Perth right after I sit for my paper, instead of waiting 2 weeks for the results to be out.

All the times that I have felt this way, I have made the best damn decisions in my life. I cannot bear the thought of being too idle, it lulls me into a false sense of security. I am getting restless and I am itching to get my ass there fast.
I have just one gripe... I swear if anyone asks me how my studies are going one more time, I will scream. Please understand that it can get quite annoying having to answer the same question over and over again, especially if it is being used as a conversation starter.

When I am not doing anything, I spend quite a fair bit of my time mulling over my life. My priorities have changed ever since I embarked on this journey of faith. Gone is the need to impress, possess material things and indulge in worldly pleasures. Other than training, all that matters now are my relationships with God, family, Viv and my friends.

Life is boring but it is good, I am happiest when I am in love and life is simple. Though, the biggest highlight of my day is talking to Viv and washing my dogs' backsides, it is good enough for me.

One thing I have come to realize, it is easier for others to share your sorrow than your joy. Not many people will give two hoots and really feel happy for you if your life is going well. But for some strange, twisted reason, people are more willing rally by your side to share your pain and burden.

Well, whatever it is, my posts are getting boring because there is nothing much for me to blog about. I am just counting down the days to my departure for Perth and there, I will have a million poot things waiting for me.

=)

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Talk is very cheap indeed. I have some thoughts about certain things I have been hearing and I cannot help but feel it is all empty talk unless it is put to action. On this, I shall not comment any further.
Peace is... lying in bed, listening to the rhytmic sound of your own breathing and slowly drifting off to sleep.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony - piano improvisation

Wah lau eh.... Freaking awesome, jaw-dropping performance. I am so damn jealous. I am just so in awe of some people's talent.

Nickelback - Far Away on piano By: David Sides

Here's another one of my favourite songs and transpositions. David Side's version is one of the most beautiful versions I have come across. He has also inspired me to come up with my own version of this song.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Just back from church and feeling a lot less mean. I am not a perfect Christian and I have faltered quite a few times. For one, I don't make it a point to go to church every week, even when I can. Also, I do allow certain negative feelings and thoughts to take root once in awhile.

Lately, I have been feeling very harsh and judgemental, and instead of being more tolerant and forgiving, I simply don't give a damn. I have allowed my anger and resentment to brew and then conveniently blame it on PMS. Though I can conceal these undesirable feelings and thoughts very well, it is there and it bothers me as a splinter embedded in the flesh would.

I pray that I am to be delivered from the negativity. The heart must be changed before anything else.
When you know you will not be able to handle the consequences of a particular situation, the best way to avoid this boo boo, is not to put yourself there in the first place.

I have issues with this. People do it all the time, even when they know better not to. And when things do get out of hand, they moan and groan about it, suddenly becoming the victims. The bit that sickens me the most is how some characters try to bullshit their way around it and shirking the responsibility that should have been theirs in the first place.

Though my disappointment has been contained, I am beginning to get tired of this.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I miss Viv...
I remember there was a time, not too long ago, where I had set a goal for myself to simplify my life. I had grown weary of all that emotional drama and complicated bullshit going on. With a jolt, I sat up in bed this morning, only to realize that I have already achieved that goal. Taking the step of leaving the airline 6 months ago to pursue my dream was a life-changing moment. The biggest moment was the day I met Viv, and the rest is history.:) It is so fucking nice to have a routine after 4 years. I wake up every morning, get ready, head to the college, study, sleep, all with a single focus towards a goal that does not seem so far away now. No longer do I wonder what I want and I want to do with my life because I already know. In short, my life is boring but that is how I like it, it is the simple things that make me happy anyway.

There is a certain dread about heading back to college today. Again, my sleep was disturbed by the endless stream of thoughts going through my mind. Though the quality of my sleep was ravaged by a too-active mind, I managed to sleep sufficiently well.

I really need to center myself again. The immense stress and the general negativity that has slowly chipped away at my resolve and has knocked me off balance. There is what I'd like to call the 'people effect'. If you do realize, talking to certain people makes you feel especially lousy. They are the people who choose to wallow in misery and self-pity and even worse, subconsciously determined to drag you down into their pit hole. Then there are the superficial, shallow and self-absorbed people I encounter once in awhile. It makes me sick in the gut and this is the time I just want to be alone.

It makes me very sad to have to say this, but I know there are people, 'friends', acquaintences, detractors whatever, who are secretly happy when you stumble or fall flat on your face. I can suss these people out quite easily in fact because insincerity is something that rarely escapes me. And believe me, some will not even realize they are like that. I honestly don't give a fuck because they have already been signed off and they have no place in my life.

Having said that, it is very easy to give up and lose sight of the bigger picture. That option does creep into my mind sometimes because it seems oh-so-easy. I am not ashamed to reveal that I have failed many times in my life and gone through numerous disappointments but above it all, I always emerge stronger than ever. I appreciate the fact that I have a shot at a dream I once deemed impossible. Whatever outcome I desire and I don't get now, I will always find out why along the way.

This is a fight I will not give up.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My Chemical Romance - Welcome to the Black Parade - Piano

This is one of my favourite songs of inspiration and I love it for its musical intricacy. But this is one of the most amazing transpositions I have ever come across. I am completely blown away.

My results were not a surprise to me. I failed the one I knew I would fail, marginally, but I did well for the other seven. The rest of my course, passed 100%! I am especially happy about my navigation results. I have never passed a single test in college, failing miserably most of the time heh. But for the actual exam, I got a distinction.:)

Although I still have one baby monkey clinging onto my back. I am thankful that the subject I failed does not require much studying, just practice. I am so estatic to have passed the rest of the much more challenging modules. It would be a total bitch having to bury my nose in the books again.

Overall, I am really very happy with my results but I am having mixed feelings. While I am so happy and proud of my course, it kinda sucks to be the only one left behind. I will only get to leave in July, because the next exam date is no earlier than 25th June.

I did get emotional when I heard Viv's voice over the phone when I called him. I wanted so very much to be with him but I know that I am not ready to leave Singapore so soon.

Having said that, there are more good reasons than bad, about staying behind. Besides, the time that I am scheduled to leave for Perth is not a good time as it is approaching the thick of winter. I won't be get much flying done so I am not missing much. I would much rather be stuck in Singapore and catch up on the things that needs to be done here, than being grounded over there.

It is all part of God's big plan and things have worked out beautifully. It is also very encouraging to receive a piece of good news, which I shall not reveal at this moment of time. I will just trust in the Lord to do what he thinks is best for me.

Things are looking up and I will make the best of my time here.

Friday, May 23, 2008

One asshole has incurred my wrath and I told him off. Those heartless bastards who were making fun of Ah Girl's death like it is the oh-so-funniest thing in the world fucking piss the hell out of me. If they do not feel sad or don't really care, fine, but they had better keep their fucking jokes to themselves or my fist will just end up in their face.

Her death made me appreciate my own dogs so much more. They came charging excitedly towards me the moment I stepped into my house. I hugged and kissed them while they fawned over me, barking away enthusiastically. Whatever ill feelings I had earlier dissipated and were replaced with joy. I have always been too busy before to really spend time with them but things are going to be different now.

Come to think of it, it will not be such a bad thing afterall if I do have to stay back in Singapore longer. Then, I can finally take a break and catch up on my reading, music and people who have made an impact in my life. Partying will be kept to a minimum, it bores me now and it is really a waste of time.

I have been totally neglecting myself and many other things since I started the course. Now that this relentless phase is coming to a close, it will be a welcome break before I start on the next.

Back home now, it is nice to be able to feel sleepy again after many sleepless nights. The sleep deprivation took its toll on me at a very bad time. I hope I can finally sink into the deepest sleep ever in my life.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My heart is heavy and I am still reeling from the shock and disbelief at the news. To begin, there was a massive power failure at the college today and we got an early release. On hindsight, it was a blessing in disguise, if not, we would not have known what had happened...

I heard about her even before joining the college. Having been here for some time, I have grown used to the familiar sight of her roaming about in Seletar. For many years, she has been the darling of the college and even til now, the courses who have graduated years back still have fond memories of her. Every new course that comes in would appoint a dog IC just to take care of her. Ah Girl, as she is affectionately known, possessed the gentlest soul I have ever known and there is not one mean bone in her body.

Then I heard the bad news... she was run over at the roundabout this morning. There was not much left of her and it was a gruesome and undignified death. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am writing this entry. It was so sudden and horrifying that I cannot bring myself to believe it and I had seen her running about happily just 2 hours before.

She was very old and it would have been easier to accept if she had died a natural death. But not this. The dogs in Seletar were all howling in unison, as if they knew and were mourning her death.

That heartless, motherfucking bastard who ran her over, whoever he is, will get his retribution and I hope he will pay dearly.

The guys who were at the scene managed to get her body cremated. The loss will be greatly felt by everyone who has been touched by her. She was not just any dog, she was very special and there can never ever be a replacement. Ah Girl died today, 21 May 2008, may she find peace and everlasting happiness in doggy heaven.
It is either 10 days or a month to the next phase. I have mentally prepared myself for both outcomes. I will know which one it will be soon enough. I will leave that in the hands of God.
My nose starting bleeding again... I have always wondered why it does not hurt. Digressing now, all I want now is good, sound sleep but I am unable to get it. A lot of things have been playing on my mind and I just cannot get it to be still. This is getting ridiculous. I actually wake up halfway through, only to realize that I have been solving problems subconsciously.

Now, I am starting to feel sleepy, but as soon as I lie down, my mind starts getting active again. I feel like I am trapped in some kind of living hell. I know I am being over dramatic but I really feel like shit.

Then, there is that feeling of detachment that robs me of any emotion. Why is this happening? My initial drive and enthusiasm has been replaced by lethargy and I trudge along doggedly, going through the motions in a zombified state. I am starting to find it hard to enjoy this journey. How I wish I can wake up to find that my goals have been realized.

Writing seems to be the only solace right now. The comfort zone beckons and it just seems oh so tempting now but I must not be lulled into a false sense of security. I pray I have enough fight in me to go on. If only Viv was with me now.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tossed and turned all of yesterday night, unable to get sound sleep. Fear resides at the back of my mind no matter how hard I try to push it away. Though things have been going well for me, but I am afraid of disappointing myself. Yet, I feel like I am losing steam and it is taking me a lot of effort to overcome the inertia.

The wait for my results is killing me and I am praying really hard for a miracle.