Saturday, May 31, 2008

Just back from church and feeling a lot less mean. I am not a perfect Christian and I have faltered quite a few times. For one, I don't make it a point to go to church every week, even when I can. Also, I do allow certain negative feelings and thoughts to take root once in awhile.

Lately, I have been feeling very harsh and judgemental, and instead of being more tolerant and forgiving, I simply don't give a damn. I have allowed my anger and resentment to brew and then conveniently blame it on PMS. Though I can conceal these undesirable feelings and thoughts very well, it is there and it bothers me as a splinter embedded in the flesh would.

I pray that I am to be delivered from the negativity. The heart must be changed before anything else.
When you know you will not be able to handle the consequences of a particular situation, the best way to avoid this boo boo, is not to put yourself there in the first place.

I have issues with this. People do it all the time, even when they know better not to. And when things do get out of hand, they moan and groan about it, suddenly becoming the victims. The bit that sickens me the most is how some characters try to bullshit their way around it and shirking the responsibility that should have been theirs in the first place.

Though my disappointment has been contained, I am beginning to get tired of this.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I miss Viv...
I remember there was a time, not too long ago, where I had set a goal for myself to simplify my life. I had grown weary of all that emotional drama and complicated bullshit going on. With a jolt, I sat up in bed this morning, only to realize that I have already achieved that goal. Taking the step of leaving the airline 6 months ago to pursue my dream was a life-changing moment. The biggest moment was the day I met Viv, and the rest is history.:) It is so fucking nice to have a routine after 4 years. I wake up every morning, get ready, head to the college, study, sleep, all with a single focus towards a goal that does not seem so far away now. No longer do I wonder what I want and I want to do with my life because I already know. In short, my life is boring but that is how I like it, it is the simple things that make me happy anyway.

There is a certain dread about heading back to college today. Again, my sleep was disturbed by the endless stream of thoughts going through my mind. Though the quality of my sleep was ravaged by a too-active mind, I managed to sleep sufficiently well.

I really need to center myself again. The immense stress and the general negativity that has slowly chipped away at my resolve and has knocked me off balance. There is what I'd like to call the 'people effect'. If you do realize, talking to certain people makes you feel especially lousy. They are the people who choose to wallow in misery and self-pity and even worse, subconsciously determined to drag you down into their pit hole. Then there are the superficial, shallow and self-absorbed people I encounter once in awhile. It makes me sick in the gut and this is the time I just want to be alone.

It makes me very sad to have to say this, but I know there are people, 'friends', acquaintences, detractors whatever, who are secretly happy when you stumble or fall flat on your face. I can suss these people out quite easily in fact because insincerity is something that rarely escapes me. And believe me, some will not even realize they are like that. I honestly don't give a fuck because they have already been signed off and they have no place in my life.

Having said that, it is very easy to give up and lose sight of the bigger picture. That option does creep into my mind sometimes because it seems oh-so-easy. I am not ashamed to reveal that I have failed many times in my life and gone through numerous disappointments but above it all, I always emerge stronger than ever. I appreciate the fact that I have a shot at a dream I once deemed impossible. Whatever outcome I desire and I don't get now, I will always find out why along the way.

This is a fight I will not give up.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My Chemical Romance - Welcome to the Black Parade - Piano

This is one of my favourite songs of inspiration and I love it for its musical intricacy. But this is one of the most amazing transpositions I have ever come across. I am completely blown away.

My results were not a surprise to me. I failed the one I knew I would fail, marginally, but I did well for the other seven. The rest of my course, passed 100%! I am especially happy about my navigation results. I have never passed a single test in college, failing miserably most of the time heh. But for the actual exam, I got a distinction.:)

Although I still have one baby monkey clinging onto my back. I am thankful that the subject I failed does not require much studying, just practice. I am so estatic to have passed the rest of the much more challenging modules. It would be a total bitch having to bury my nose in the books again.

Overall, I am really very happy with my results but I am having mixed feelings. While I am so happy and proud of my course, it kinda sucks to be the only one left behind. I will only get to leave in July, because the next exam date is no earlier than 25th June.

I did get emotional when I heard Viv's voice over the phone when I called him. I wanted so very much to be with him but I know that I am not ready to leave Singapore so soon.

Having said that, there are more good reasons than bad, about staying behind. Besides, the time that I am scheduled to leave for Perth is not a good time as it is approaching the thick of winter. I won't be get much flying done so I am not missing much. I would much rather be stuck in Singapore and catch up on the things that needs to be done here, than being grounded over there.

It is all part of God's big plan and things have worked out beautifully. It is also very encouraging to receive a piece of good news, which I shall not reveal at this moment of time. I will just trust in the Lord to do what he thinks is best for me.

Things are looking up and I will make the best of my time here.

Friday, May 23, 2008

One asshole has incurred my wrath and I told him off. Those heartless bastards who were making fun of Ah Girl's death like it is the oh-so-funniest thing in the world fucking piss the hell out of me. If they do not feel sad or don't really care, fine, but they had better keep their fucking jokes to themselves or my fist will just end up in their face.

Her death made me appreciate my own dogs so much more. They came charging excitedly towards me the moment I stepped into my house. I hugged and kissed them while they fawned over me, barking away enthusiastically. Whatever ill feelings I had earlier dissipated and were replaced with joy. I have always been too busy before to really spend time with them but things are going to be different now.

Come to think of it, it will not be such a bad thing afterall if I do have to stay back in Singapore longer. Then, I can finally take a break and catch up on my reading, music and people who have made an impact in my life. Partying will be kept to a minimum, it bores me now and it is really a waste of time.

I have been totally neglecting myself and many other things since I started the course. Now that this relentless phase is coming to a close, it will be a welcome break before I start on the next.

Back home now, it is nice to be able to feel sleepy again after many sleepless nights. The sleep deprivation took its toll on me at a very bad time. I hope I can finally sink into the deepest sleep ever in my life.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My heart is heavy and I am still reeling from the shock and disbelief at the news. To begin, there was a massive power failure at the college today and we got an early release. On hindsight, it was a blessing in disguise, if not, we would not have known what had happened...

I heard about her even before joining the college. Having been here for some time, I have grown used to the familiar sight of her roaming about in Seletar. For many years, she has been the darling of the college and even til now, the courses who have graduated years back still have fond memories of her. Every new course that comes in would appoint a dog IC just to take care of her. Ah Girl, as she is affectionately known, possessed the gentlest soul I have ever known and there is not one mean bone in her body.

Then I heard the bad news... she was run over at the roundabout this morning. There was not much left of her and it was a gruesome and undignified death. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am writing this entry. It was so sudden and horrifying that I cannot bring myself to believe it and I had seen her running about happily just 2 hours before.

She was very old and it would have been easier to accept if she had died a natural death. But not this. The dogs in Seletar were all howling in unison, as if they knew and were mourning her death.

That heartless, motherfucking bastard who ran her over, whoever he is, will get his retribution and I hope he will pay dearly.

The guys who were at the scene managed to get her body cremated. The loss will be greatly felt by everyone who has been touched by her. She was not just any dog, she was very special and there can never ever be a replacement. Ah Girl died today, 21 May 2008, may she find peace and everlasting happiness in doggy heaven.
It is either 10 days or a month to the next phase. I have mentally prepared myself for both outcomes. I will know which one it will be soon enough. I will leave that in the hands of God.
My nose starting bleeding again... I have always wondered why it does not hurt. Digressing now, all I want now is good, sound sleep but I am unable to get it. A lot of things have been playing on my mind and I just cannot get it to be still. This is getting ridiculous. I actually wake up halfway through, only to realize that I have been solving problems subconsciously.

Now, I am starting to feel sleepy, but as soon as I lie down, my mind starts getting active again. I feel like I am trapped in some kind of living hell. I know I am being over dramatic but I really feel like shit.

Then, there is that feeling of detachment that robs me of any emotion. Why is this happening? My initial drive and enthusiasm has been replaced by lethargy and I trudge along doggedly, going through the motions in a zombified state. I am starting to find it hard to enjoy this journey. How I wish I can wake up to find that my goals have been realized.

Writing seems to be the only solace right now. The comfort zone beckons and it just seems oh so tempting now but I must not be lulled into a false sense of security. I pray I have enough fight in me to go on. If only Viv was with me now.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tossed and turned all of yesterday night, unable to get sound sleep. Fear resides at the back of my mind no matter how hard I try to push it away. Though things have been going well for me, but I am afraid of disappointing myself. Yet, I feel like I am losing steam and it is taking me a lot of effort to overcome the inertia.

The wait for my results is killing me and I am praying really hard for a miracle.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Nabei... I am in pain. Any effort on my part to fight off all sicknesses were in vain and I finally succumbed this morning. My throat is so fucked that I can barely speak.

In a dazed fashion, I walked in the sweltering heat, to see a doctor. I tried a few clinics in the vicinity but because it is a public holiday today, they were all closed. I was lucky the 3rd time round after a 45 minute search but I had to wait quite long for my turn. Anyhow, I killed time by studying some notes that I had brought along.

Falling ill is expensive business and my medical bill came up to a staggering amount. It is a very bad time for me to fall ill and I feel like shit. The mean streak in me is gone. All I want to do now is to curl up into a ball and sleep.
I am so unincredibly unmoved that I scare myself sometimes, but I cannot stay mean for long.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The little girl in me has gone into hiding once again. Gone is the playful and carefree nature that used to keep my spirits high.

There is little solace I can find in anything, but playing on the piano today did me a bit of good. I can't help but wish now, that I can be in another world altogether. Away from this.
While I did enjoy myself catching up with the gang, I was rather reserved most of the time. I am just so tired of drinking and socializing even though I don't do it that often now. I cannot help but miss Viv so damn much, it is just not the same without him.

I cannot get to sleep. All I want is a poot thing, all I want is him...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The author of 'The Padawan's Guide to CAP 385 Charts' cannot describe the current situation more aptly in his introduction. "It was at last time for you to RELAX. That's Perf A comes along and smacks you right between the eyes."

Nabei, I thought the worst was over. How wrong I was. I barely have time to catch my breath, when I am introduced to a whole new world of ANGR, AIC, CAP 385 charts and a multitude of techniques.

It never ends, does it? I really wonder how I am going to absorb this truckload of information in time for my exam next Friday. My head is still reeling from an overwhelming information overload, all that, while I painstaking pore over the endless number of charts, poking a million holes along my plastic strips to mark my points.

I feel like shit. The horrible weather is taking its toll on me and I am falling ill. Viv departed for Perth yesterday morning and I am missing him already, God knows when I can join him.

I can only pray really hard that I get to go on schedule.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

It now all depends on that one paper that I fucked up yesterday. There is still the faintest glimmer of hope that I will clear everything in one go. Anyhoo, I did quite well for the other tougher papers.

I am so damn happy that I don't know what to write about. I am just so relieved. Gonna chill tonight and let my brain do nothing and rest. I will be needing it again for the next two weeks, starting tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I bumped into a couple of ex-colleagues, on seperate occasions, at the airport today. I was in uniform, very different from the one I used to don. Their reaction, upon seeing me, made me feel very awkward indeed. They had similar reactions, shock and confusion and they both asked me the same question, "What are you doing now?!"

I did not bother to explain myself. This is something that I did not want to tell many people because I want to keep things as low profile as possible. I am however, not surprised that some would react the way they did today.

I can understand, it is just not something people would expect from a girl. On my part, I do not feel like I have to explain my choices.

Fucking tired and cranky now. I hope I can fall into a deep sleep tonight.

Never Never Give Up

Something to share... a friend sent me this email. I hope it will touch anyone who is reading this, just as it has touched me.

One day I decided to quit...

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. .. I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light.
I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would
not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared
to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. ..But just 6
months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo.
I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others."
He said.
"The bamboo had adifferent Purpose than the fern.
Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me.
"You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?"
I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you


Simple, yet puts many things to perspective. I feel better now.
Life sucks. There are several bees flying in my room right now. One of them got beheaded by the ceiling fan and its head fell on my lap top. They have been taking turns to land on my pillow and bed and now I have insect juice all over the sheets.

I am suffering from insomnia, I just cannot get to sleep and my exams are not over yet. This is a very bad situation to be in. Sigh.

I shall just try to nap now.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Tomorrow marks the start of 3 days of THE exams. These exams bear a lot of significance to me and I am in a state of excitement and apprehension. I can almost compare it to how I think I will feel on the day I get married.

The studying is no fun at all, covered 2 subjects today the moment I woke up. My eyes are all bleary and tired from all that reading. The exams get progressively harder and I hope I have enough time to reinforce whatever I need to.

Having said that, it is the waiting that is always the killer, I just want to get them over and done with already.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Very sad. I really don't like studying... but then again, who does anyway? I have never studied so hard in my life. Looking back, all the exams I have ever sat for in my life were a breeze compared to this. It is sheer torture just to sit my ass down and force myself to study.

But actually, it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I know, I'm just being a baby.

Since, my darling is out of town, I can only blog and play Mob Wars on Facebook to keep my mind happy. That, and being at home with my family and two noisy dogs.

I have been thinking a lot, I always do. My thoughts keep me awake at night sometimes. I have been reflecting a lot on my past and present. Life is so much simpler now with God in my life. There have been many blessings despite certain circumstances and countless disappointments. The day I met my baby is the day that the pieces of my life all clicked into place.

I believe that it is by divine appointment that I would meet someone like him. He completes me and I cannot ask for more. I absolutely adore him and we have the simple and happy relationship that is just perfect. As we grow older, our emotional baggage get heavier because many find it hard to let go of the past. Most people have been through some failed relationships,cannot make up their minds about what they want or just simply have commitment issues. In any case, things get complicated and someone inadvertently gets hurt.

I abhor whatever is meaningless and complicated when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I have been there and there is nothing but brokenness and emptiness, definitely not something I'd ever want to experience ever again.

My previous job was an occupational hazard, at least for me it is, in the relationship department. It is unfortunately very hard for people to see beyond the uniform and stigma attached to the job and lifestyle. Anyhow, all that is in the past now and I am not one to live in the past. I will embrace the present gladly now and get back to my books.

I am working towards my dream and my darling Viv, is making the same journey. I would not have chosen it any other way.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Nicky left a nice surprise for my mom this morning. He took a dump on her bedroom floor and went to sleep. The bad smell permeating throughout the room woke my mom up. She got out of bed and stepped right onto his poo.

She yelled bloody murder at him but that guai lan dog simply bochup and continued sleeping. He only got up when I said, "Wash backside." He went to the shower cubicle on his own and I hosed his ass. That he likes because it makes him feel clean.

This is a dog that is aware of God's presence. His ears would perk up whenever we mention Jesus Christ and he likes it when we cover his eye with our hands and pray for his cataract to disappear.

I love my dogs, their antics, while annoying at times, can also be so endearing, that it is impossible to stay angry with them for long.

Just a random entry before I get back to the books again. Gotta rest my tired eyes now.

Friday, May 02, 2008

What I love most about coming home is smelling and hugging my two dogs, playing on the piano and being with my family. These are the simple pleasures which I will miss dearly when I go away to Perth for a year.

I will never be comfortable until the entire training is over and done with. As it is, I am under the scrunity of everyone and I cannot afford to slip. In an unforgiving environment such as this, I must remind myself not to say to much and step up the game if I can.

The underlying fear and stress is bubbling beneath the surface, yet I feel strangely reassured. Such is the life I am leading now but I would not have chosen any other way.

I am missing my darling... Life is just not the same without him.
I have cleared all my college papers, save for one. I made a silly mistake at the beginning of my plot that cost me 6 marks. Oh well, I must learn from it now and be extra conscious of it when I sit for that paper next Thursday.

On the whole, I am very pleased with my results. But sad to say, the whole course will not be sitting for the exams together. Two have been asked to take the exams with the next course instead, which is a real bummer. I cannot help but feel upset about this.=(

This only serves to remind me of the precarious position I am in, I have a certain immunity, but I am not taking my chances. Time to focus on the main exams.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

It is a true blessing how everything works itself out, and unexpectedly at that, when you leave things in the hands of the Lord with a prayer. Yesterday was the last day of the exams and I heaved a huge sigh of relief as my weariness and tension melted away. I should do decently well and I will know all my results by tomorrow.

It is definately a huge load of my back and now I can focus on the actual exams this coming Tuesday. Everything that happens next will depend on my results. Til then, it is hard work until it is all over.

I am missing my darling so much but it is the bigger picture that I must now focus on.