Managed to put myself in the spotlight again for the wrong reasons and now, yet another thing that keeps me sane, is taken away from me. It now becomes near impossible for me to spend personal time with Viv alone, not unless we get out of this place.

Someone has taken a personal interest in my affairs and has infringed on my privacy. I am numb to all the shit that has been happening as being emotional at this point of time will do me no good at all. There is no use getting angry and fighting for my so-called rights, because that would just jeopardize my position.

Still, despite all the recent events, I can still count my blessings. God must have his reasons for putting me through all these now, I can only pray and keep the faith.

What a strange day it has been. The Lord spoke to me through the people I happened to have a conversation with today. There was an immense sense of comfort which I felt and it lifted my weary spirit. Patient I shall be.

I do realize I sound quite negative in my more recent posts but it is merely to let off steam. I will be ok once I have ranted. Although things have not been going all that smoothly, I have had quite a bit of help along the way, just that some factors is simply out of everyone's hands. In this aspect, I have been very blessed, just that I have allowed the accumulation of all these events to finally get to me.

A friend of mine actually set me straight with some words of encouragement, he said some of the best start off the slowest. To be here is already a feat I never imagined possible, so even though I am slow now, I have my mind set on being good.

The motto of my primary school comes back to mind, "The best that we can be." So I shall give it my best, may the momentum start again.

Will be serving my 'sentence' starting next Saturday. The punishment is something I can accept even though others have commented that it is not fair to me. Well, there will be times in our lives that we get the short end of the stick so this time it's my turn again, no big deal.

However, there is a certain type of character which I absolutely despise. There is no proper word to sum up such a character but a snake is probably the best comparison. They are people who are cunning and insinuative, and prey on those who are helpless and weak because that's a sure-win. The good thing about them is they are efficient and get the job done so it keeps those who are of a higher position, happy. Fair enough.

Those who are at their mercy will not have the same sentiments. What absolutely gets to me is how they act like they have your best interests at heart when really, they are just pissed because their authority and control has been undermined. They cannot bear it when they are crossed and take some form of revenge. Best of all, these certain kind of people takes credit from others and when it comes to doing the nasty, it is conveniently their superiors' decision. So, they can appear to be the good person when they are behind it all in the first place.

I have no respect for such people but to clash with them head-on is foolish. I shall be on my toes from now on and fight my own fight.

No more Chicken in a Biscuit for me after I am done with this box. I cannot seem to stop eating them. The same goes to other kinds of snacks. Out of sight, out of mind.

Where I am, spontaneity is best left for a life outside these prison walls. The decision to tag along for a joyride on the spur of the moment got me into trouble today. To cut a long story short, a group of us went out before 1530 without filling up a consent form and we got caught. Unfortunately so, by someone who will pursue this matter to the ends of the earth.

Pursue he did and each of us were each slapped with 5 weekend ops duties as well as do a tech brief. True, we did break a rule but I felt things were blown out of proportion. If anything, it is more like a power tussle to exert an authority over us, which we undermined. I honestly don't buy the cock and bull shit about being accountable for our safety and such. It is ironic that the one day I overlook a stupid rule, I get busted.

Given my position, I certainly do not seem to enjoy much privileges. I am not expecting special treatment but I have been shortchanged time and time again. In a stifling environment such as this, some things which I should brushed aside are just becoming more pronounced.

I got a temporary instructor change which is almost akin to starting over. I don't know what to make of it, except give it my best shot. Hopefully my best will be good enough.

My previous occupation taught me well. I am able to hide much of my feelings and I am feeling more alone than ever. Even God seems kinda distant now...

I don't believe this, the situation just keeps getting worse. To add on to everything, my instructor hurt her back and she will be on medical leave for the rest of the week. This does not bode well for me as I may have to be reassigned to another instructor due to latency issues.

Not that it will do much good anyway because the winds are not letting up. By the time the weather gets better, it would have been 2 weeks since I have my hands on the controls. That, on top of the 10 days I had to wait prior to doing the last 2 sorties.

The absolute lack of continuity will definitely affect my performance somewhat but that does not present much of a problem, yet. The feeling of incredulity has passed and has been replaced with one of tired resignation.

I do believe however, things will look up because they always do.

Having the existing tattoos coloured over with fine-tipped markers tickled me silly and I could not stop squirming and laughing. We are an oddball couple but yet it is oh-so-fun sometimes.

Boredom does bring out the silliness in me and my backside is starting to itch again. Now, if only I can be still...

It has been ages since I last touched the piano. Given the amount of free time I have these days, it would really be the perfect time to improvise on some tunes. All that is missing is the instrument. That pretty much sums up my life right now, the deciding factor is always missing.

While my life has gotten decidedly dull, I welcome it to a certain extent. I am just glad that there is no more drama.

A spate of bad luck that just keep coming in waves. I have had to cancel that crucial sorties for the umpteenth time. If it is not the weather, it is something else that crops up. The weather looks deceptively fine with clear blue skies, but the winds are really strong at this time of the year. It is the transition period in between seasons and I am caught right in the middle of it.

Another week of waiting it out. When will the day ever come?

Nabei, still waiting and because of that, I have nothing much to update. For the past 2 weeks, I have become a slave to the ever-changing weather and it does not seem to yield enough to create that small window of opportunity which I need. So I have nothing to do except to wait.

This leaves me plenty of time to be a mini bitch to Viv and to watch all the shows and movies that I want. I also sleep a lot earlier and more than I usually do, no complaints there. I really prefer having something constructive to do, but til then, I have not much control over the situation. But once I get this over and done with, I will go full throttle.

Ah well, things will take a turn for the better at some stage. It is hard work curbing the natural impatience in me.

Found my missing earring at the last place I'd think of looking. I had searched everywhere the night before, but to no avail. Then yesterday, as I was walking to the car, I looked down and at the exact spot that I cast my glance, I saw my earring lying on the gravel. What luck!

I was feeling a lot of love yesterday and I like myself that way so much more. It is not enough for others to love me, because I would want to return the love. I had mentioned in my earlier posts that I was feeling dead and that I needed to do something to feel alive. Well, it was right under my nose the whole time. Sometimes when we are too busy wallowing in negativity, we don't see what is clearly in front of us.

I am well aware that I was allowing the negative feelings to poison my mind, so I prayed to the Lord to open my spiritual eyes, and He did. Love, in any form, does conquer all.

I did not run at all last week as I did not want to aggravate my battle with a virus that has been going around. Besides, the weather sucked all week so I decided not to push things, which is probably a wise decision.

All that aside, this week will be a crucial week for me. Since there are only 2 decent weather days the entire week, I can only do my best and pray for a stroke of luck. If I miss that window, then it will just be a matter of time and that I will make the most out of the situation.

All in good time.

I have come across very dedicated instructors who are veterans in this field, but yet make concerted efforts to impart their skills and knowledge. That kind of dedication truly wins my respect and it is definately an inspiration to me.

There is a new stirring in my heart and a sudden shift in attitude towards learning. I am eager to know as much as I can, understand why some things are done a certain way and how to arrive at a decision. It is as if a light bulb has just exploded with light in my head and the picture now becomes much clearer than before.

I am a jack of many trades and an ace in none. But I will definately work for something that fuels my enthusiasm. Without a doubt, I know I have made the right decision to pursue this.

Without a doubt at all.

What a pig I am. For the past 2 months, I have been indulging in all sorts of junk food that I normally avoid. The only meal that is even remotely healthy is my breakfast. Despite this, I am still slowly losing weight, something which I am of course, not complaining about! Rather than abstain, I just satisfy my cravings and keep the portions small. I am done with painstakingly reading the labels of everything I consume, I just eat whatever I like but in moderation.

While health nut in me has gone back into the closet, I still enjoy exercise and have made it a part of my lifestyle. Lately, I have been running faster and more regularly, and that definately plays a huge part. So far so good, I am happy enough for now but ultimately, the goal is to be even more trim. Who doesn't like to look nice in clothes and pictures? I know for a fact, I do.

Since I don't get to do anything really productive until I clear this hurdle, I will make this my happy little project.

My roomie's stuffed tortoise is hilarious and he seems to have a life of his own. Heh.

This place is starting to feel no different from a prison, since we are being made to feel like criminals. Speculation is rife that there is a snitch amongst us. The possibility sends a chill down my spine.

Is this what I gave up so much for? The paradise I thought I am in is fast becoming an illusion.

The wait is a very lonely one. There are people all around me but yet I still feel strangely alone. It is getting progressively harder for me to express these feelings because when I do, I always hear the same old politically correct advice and piece of shit 'words of widsom'. Things that I already know and am so sick of hearing. I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself, if I can change things, I definately would but that would be akin to walking on egg shells. Something has got to give, if the situation cannot change, my attitude has to.

It is not easy doing that in an environment that is ever so stifling. Right now, I just want to do my shit and get the fuck out of here. The longer I stay, the deeper I sink into the negativity. I have so much free time on my hands, yet I am not able to do anything productive with it except watch the minutes tick by. There is a desperate need to feel alive, to be inspired and motivated all over again.

I have got to be stronger than this because hell, I have too much time to mull over unnecessary issues that make me unhappy. I can only pray to the Lord every night to lift my melacholic spirit.

Ever since I made up my mind to embark on this journey, I have been continually challenged, every step of the way. It has not been smooth and I have had to prove myself time and time again. On a few occasions, I would lie in bed and be suddenly seized with a cold fear and a niggling doubt at the back of my head. It is during those times that I feel very weary and dejected, especially when I have to struggle with my ego and humble myself. However, but my fighting spirit refuses to give up.

Although, my previous occupation has given me more than a fair dose of humility, my pride still burns strongly deep inside me. My ego does get the better of me sometimes but I am getting better at managing that. Throughout the years, I have learnt many precious lessons and have had many opportunities to grow in character, strength and wisdom. I believe that the mini trials that God has put me through will prepare me for the bigger picture that only He sees.

Many times, I have asked God why, but I have come to realize that I have just got to trust in Him with all my heart. Only He knows why and I will never be able to understand His master plan for me. All I know is, He has always delievered in a way that He sees fit. For whatever I do not get now, I always get something better in the end.

On the whole, I would say I have been very lucky indeed. I have had my some minor setbacks but the destination at the end is still clearly within sight. Maybe I might take a little slower than the majority, but I know I will get there.

I am getting there. Sometimes it just takes a little longer, but end result will still be a positive one. Patience is really a virtue and I must not let my impatience get the better of me.

I proved myself again today and it won't be long now.:)

The perfect plan, or would have been, if only the key player had been well enough to put that plan into action. As it turns out, it is not too bad a thing as I am experiencing severe fatigue due to a screwed-up sleep cycle. Things worked themselves out afterall, just that it is a waste of such lovely weather. Oh well.

There are times when I feel like I am losing myself in the bigger picture. Yet, instead of getting lost in the plot, I know I must make my voice heard when it counts.

Today, I participated in the 4km run in City to Surf, my first major running event in Perth. The distance is comfortanble for me and is perfect for both speed and endurance. I felt the adrenaline rush kick in as I surged ahead. There were thousands and thousands of other runners and walkers and it was frustrating to be slowed down by the volume of people moving at different speeds. I could have sworn I ran an additional 200m, weaving in and out of the crowd.

Despite that, I was quite happy to finish with a time of below 21 minutes. I don't usually time myself when I run, but today I decided to push myself just for the fun of it.

I feel satisfied and revitalized, off to bed now. Over and out.