The weather is shit in London right now. It is cold, gloomy and raining all day. Nabei lah, I hate having to carry a stupid umbrella. What a world of difference, it was nice and sunny when I was here last month!

Hopefully, the weather will get better tomorrow because I've got stuff to do.

I attended church yesterday before I left for London. Sometimes, I feel like I am drawing further away from God and it is not something I am proud of. I did not find comfort in God's words. In fact, you can say I was not touched and I was simply indifferent. The senior pastor said something that stuck me though... it has something to do with being distracted. I am very guilty of it and then I struggle to regain my footing. The message was to stop struggling and learn to trust in Him in totality and He will do the rest.

I need to spend some time with myself once again, it will be good for me.

A bird died because of me. It was trying to kill me by smashing itself into the windscreen. It happened in a flash and if I had reacted, it could be rather disastrous. Still, I did not feel good about it, may the bird rest in peace.

TMD. Bloody irritated... MSN has been fucking up on me quite a bit on my desk top. The constant battle with frozen chat screens and the program 'not responding' thereafter is seriously eating into my patience.

But then again, I am just in a bitchy mood, period. Quite a few things have been seriously getting on my nerves lately. How shall I put this diplomatically without giving too much away? Everyone likes to win, but sometimes, people forget themselves and take it a step too far.

That is where it gets uncomfortable.

I have put my ego aside for 2 nights in a row while talking to a particular person and it made a positive difference.

I realize it is okay to show that I am not as tough as I like myself to be huh? I will stop letting the EGO do the talking for me.

14 Lines to Live By

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am
with you.

2. No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you
cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. They say love hides behind every corner, then I must be walking in circles.

5. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

6. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can't have them.

7. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.

8. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

9. Don't waste your time on a someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

10. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

11. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

12. There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

13. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try, and know someone else and expect them to know you.

14. Don't try so hard; the best things come when
you least expect them to.

"There is no love in marriage." I have heard this more than once and yesterday, I heard those words again. Such is the cynicism that has infiltrated the society today. Though, I do see the truth in it, I cannot help but feel disillusioned and sad that a happy marriage has almost become a thing of the past. It is appalling to me that in some, it has even become a 'business transaction' of sorts.

Whatever happened the sacred union of love, joy and 'happily ever after'?

Marriage is more than just being able to live with each other. My idea of marriage is being in love, bringing out the best in each other, mutual trust and understanding and most importantly, being each other's rock in life.

I know I keep mentioning the word rock, but it has nothing to do with an obsession with diamonds. It is just nice to come home to that special someone in your life, no? Sometimes, it is nice to live in that happy little bubble and not have our perceptions marred by the negativity around us.

When my time comes, I will treasure it. Take me away... where I can happy and free.

Slept like a baby last night and woke up feeling tons better. I forgot all about the fact that i was upset yesterday. Although the sleep healed me, it was barely enough to erase away the fatigue and only sufficient to get me through the rest of the day.

A very productive day it was, and I am very pleased with the results of my effort. I am going to do my best to keep this up since I have gotten my momentum up and running again. It is awesome to feel this sense of accomplishment and hopefully, I will be able to keep this up.

The hollow feeling does not go away though but at least I know I am channeling my energies towards something positive. I know one thing's for sure, I can never really depend on anyone, ever. It applies to me too, I know I cannot be depended on to be there all the time. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for ourselves, our own happiness and our well-being.

Another early and long day for me tomorrow so I am off to bed. Goodnight.

Teetering on the brink of exhaustion... It is at times like this that I really wish I have a rock I can lean on. Wouldn't it be nice if I can just let up, knowing that things will all be taken care of? I have every reason to be concerned about some nagging issues, but I am still holding up well enough for now. Guess we will only know what we are really made of when such responsibilities are thrust upon you, no?

Some people truly disgust me and I do not even want to try and comprehend their behavior. I don't fucking care and I honestly do not give fucking damn. I am fucking drained and the last fucking thing I need is attitude from a disgruntled cab driver, a huge bruise at the back of my thigh and just blatant insensitivity.

I wanted to lash out at that bloody scum but I controlled my myself because there is just no freaking point. My brother was polite and he kept his cool. Though, I must speak for the both of us, we are proud that we did not mirror that ugly behavior, I would have been ashamed of myself. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I can only depend on the Lord now. Please, please, please give me the strength, I will need it more than ever.

Ah ha! The team gal that I am very close to got activated for my flight. I'd never thought I'd say this about a Delhi flight, but I am gonna enjoy it.=)

With a little over an hour to spare, I should be getting ready now. Off I go, see ya all and lots of love.

Newsflash : Stewardess does a tumble!

Nabei lah... that unfortunate stewardess is none other than me and it happened while I was disembarking from the aircraft. We were exiting in a single file and I was following my colleague closely behind, yakking away candidly, when she abruptly stopped.

I promptly tripped over her cabin bag and I fell, not quite glamorously, on the floor. Miraculously, not a single strand of my hair from my French twist came out of place during the tumble. It was a freaking hilarious situation and everyone had a good laugh at poor ol' me. I was so tickled by it that I simply could not stop laughing! Hahahahahahha!

Wah, feel so shy man, I am so glad that it was out of the public eye. Heh;p Overall, it was an excellent flight and I had a lot of fun working. Did quite a bit of damage in Brisbane without meaning to. Oh well, whatever catches my eye, I will get it if it is within reason.

Am so tired, I am going to knock out, right about now. See ya.

Quickie entry from Brisbane. My gal friend, Annur came over to see me last night, right after I checked into the hotel. I thought she had changed her number when I tried calling her and couldn't get through! In my mind, I was kicking myself for not checking if she was using the same number, I assumed she did. I was keeping my fingers crossed that my assumption was correct. Afterall, it is almost a year ago since I was last rostered to fly to Brisbane.

When I finally got through, we couldn't hear each other over the phone! It was absolutely maddening! Thank God the text message service did not fuck up on me! I was so delighted to see her and I gave her a really big hug the moment I spotted her! Though she had to leave shortly after, I had an excellent conversation with her.

It is friends like her that realize how important it is to me to have someone to talk in depth too. There is this deep emotional need for people to be able to relate to me and understand me. It is then, that I do not feel alone. Superficial interactions are fine by me, but if I do not have sensible people to keep me anchored, I lose myself sometimes. Sure, I love having fun times and laughter, it keeps me feeling alive, but it is a poor substitute for the empty void that needs to be filled.

Something struck me, during my conversation with Annur. I know what I really need. That 'rock' in my life, someone I can share everything with, my deepest thoughts and feelings, with abandon and without being judged. I do seem to reveal a lot about myself, but that is only the tip of the iceberg, or slightly more.

Have I met such a person? I may not have the chance to find out yet. However, I do believe that everything will just click into place when the time is right. Til then, I got to have faith, be patient and stay out of trouble. Heh.

Gotta go now, I will be meeting my babe again in a few minutes. She's spending the whole day with me before I depart tonight! I love having friends like her in my life.

=)

My social calendar is so packed all of a sudden and I am starting to feel the strain. So many to fulfill, some have been postponed one time too many but all matter to me.

Then perhaps, I will have to take a hiatus soon.

"Know thyself", as quoted by Socrates, a 5th century Greek philosopher. Two simple words, yet of such profound wisdom. The path to self-discovery is an arduous, yet strangely liberating experience. However, self-awareness can be a double-edged sword. While it is the beginning of change, knowing what you do not like about yourself is at times, hard to bear.

A person's personality is made up of many complex layers, such as mine is. I have been painstakingly stripping away the layers one by one to know more about myself. I do not like what I see buried deep underneath. That side is kept buried for a good reason, but of late, it is starting to surface with alarming frequency. It is that alter ego that is a part of me and I do not like her at all...

On the whole, I would say I am quite at peace with myself, but there are also certain aspects of me that trouble me quite a bit. The lines between right and wrong are threatening to be blurred and it is a struggle to stop both sides from meshing with one another. Because I know that should I allow them to, I will have to deal with the emotional and mental chaos that will ensue. To plunge into the depths of self-loathing is not something I can just simply breeze through and be fine with it, because I know I cannot live with it.

We are all flawed and weak, although it is something that is very hard to admit. I know it is better to face it and do something about it than having to face damaging consequences. Such is life.