Tuesday, October 31, 2006

It is amazing just how attending church on Sunday can make a difference.:) I won't go into detail because I gotta go out soon, but all I can say is, I am glad I went.

Anyway, I think I must be looking younger and prettier these days... Why do I say so? Because lately, I have had quite a few encounters where secondary school girls bitch about me when I am in the washrooms, or the next table from theirs, and I have not had that in YEARS. Oh God! Hahahaha!

And I was just minding my own business and not even dressed to attract attention! So I am really more amused than anything else, it is really quite hilariously funny lah! Hehe:) Wah lau, please lah, I am like an adult already and these things don't upset me like they used to when I was still in my teens.

Gals, pick on someone your own age or talk to THE hand.=)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Absolutely breathtaking...I watched the sun slowly rise in all its golden splendour. It is like a glorious promise that marks a brand new beginning to every day. And somewhere, in another part of the world, the sun sets, lining the clouds with a silver glimmer of hope.

That is how I see the world. It empowers me and makes me look upon everything with positivity. I mean if you think about it, how bad can things really be if you can take charge of the way you want to lead your life? When the occasional shit happens, things do not come to a standstill and freeze in that moment of eternity, life goes on. It always does, and as long as I remind myself of that... I will have the courage to forge ahead.

I have always loved the sound of running water and the sight of the natural waterfall gushing down the rocks made me forget my weariness and fatigue. It is located in a woodland area that I suspect not many people know about, and it is the perfect picture of serenity and calm. Well, it is one of those instances where I let my crazy instincts take over and I started to climb. It was a steep climb up and I did not stop to think that it could be dangerous and that I could slip, fall and hurt myself very badly. Fear did not exist then, I just saw the top and I wanted to get there.

My mind was just so focused at the point of time that it literally blocked out everything else. I just kept going steadily, one step at a time. Finally climbed high enough to see the tops of the trees and was greeted with a view you can only see if you fly a plane over the area. The feeling is totally out of this world. If I were to try and put my feelings into words, I would describe it as a soaring feeling and and an incredible feeling of lightness and dizzy happiness. It was exhilarating!

Then I was struck by a thought. Nabei, how do I get down? It was quite a long way to the bottom but fuck lah, gotta do it anyway right? If not, I won't be sitting here and blogging about it. (Actually, I really wouldn't mind staying there hehe;p ) Anyway, I suspect I was possessed by the spirit of a mountain goat or something, because I did not have much trouble climbing down, it would have been quite disastrous if I were to slip...

And, my mom would go crazy if she knows what I have been up to hehehe.;p

So that day, I learnt a valuable lesson. As long as I focus and keep looking ahead, and not allow myself to be discouraged by the immediate situation at hand and give up, I will finally be at where I want to be. I guess sometimes I gotta take it easy and do things one step at a time, and always look at the bigger picture. I have also realized that if I erase fear from my dictionary, I can actually achieve a lot. It is fear that holds me back. My brother summed it up best when he said, "Those who have nothing to lose, are the most powerful."

Wah.

Makes you think, doesn't it? More often than not, sudden revelations come to me when I am penning down my thoughts or talking to people. I feel I can learn a lot about myself and other things just by hearing what other people have to say. Sometimes, through meaningful conversations, I get to unearth some precious gems of wisdom from the experiences of others.

A really motivating experience that defines yet another a memorable moment in my life. Now, this is what I live for, to be inspired!

=D

Friday, October 20, 2006

I can hear the cries of protest all day long and I wonder if the birds are feeling the same way as I. Miko attacked and nearly killed a smog-intoxicated bird that flew in through the window.

The bird jumped into the water feature outside my room to escape. Very smart move on its part. I picked it up and it was surprisingly very calm and did not even shit on me. It just sat still in my hand while I dried its feathers with a hairdryer. Then my dad left it on the window sill and it flew away eventually.

My life is just full of surprises sometimes, when I least expect them. Just as well, my brain is too fogged up to think and I am functioning at a half-peak performance. Not something I am comfortable with but what the heck. I need to take it easy and pray for more rain.

Gotta get out of the country tonight. Lovely Osaka, it's been awhile.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Please let it rain soon...

I hardly fall sick, but when I do, I fall sick in a big way. I have had a persistant splitting headache, accompanied by dizzy spells since coming back home. And if that is not enough, my body feels very weak I have been having tremors all day long. I feel so suffocated.

I have been taking refuge at home whenever I can. Now, I can't wait to fly off, so I can get away from this terrible discomfort.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I left Perth with happy memories aplenty just as the sun was just beginning to rise and everything was washed in a beautiful warm, golden glow. It was absolutely breathtaking and that moment will be forever etched in my mind.

I love being surrounded by nature, it is the simple, beautiful things in life which makes me truly happy. I love being up in the mountains with greenery all around, or simply staring at the sea and hearing the hypnotic lullaby of the crashing waves. Nothing beats Looking up at endless expanse of blue skies though, I would be contented to do that all day, absolute heaven.

Then I touched down into Singapore and I peered out of the window of the aircraft... Fucking hell, I thought I was in Genting Highlands. The haze was so bad and the visability so poor, that the distant buildings looked like they were shrouded in a fog.

Nabei, the dust particles irritated my eyes and I sneezed so much I had difficulty breathing. I felt quite incredulous when 2 of my friends called me up and asked if i wanted to go for a run. I miss running very much but I don't think it is worth getting an asthma attack over.

Today I sat down at the piano and played my own version of Canon in D by Pachebel. I play that song every chance I get because I improvised on the original and the music is in my head, not in score. I like my version quite a bit and it would be terrible if I were to forget how to play it.

That aside, life is starting to get interesting all over again. I will elaborate further when I write again.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Back. So much to do, so little time. What else is new?

My flight to London had 'uh oh' written all over it. Firstly, I had a really trying day, shitloads to do and shitloads to be concerned about. Then I left my house keys and token at home, so I cannot get anything done even though I arrived at control early. Oh, but I have to be gracious and keep my smile up, even though I felt like being a bitch and asking everyone to fuck out of my face. I was not in the right frame of mind to work. Thank God I kept my emotions under control, because everything turned out alright.

However, it was the toughest London flight I can ever remember doing. Of course, it does not beat the time I did my 3rd solo virgin flight there. That was well... a flight I will always remember for the wrong reasons haha!:)

There were a number of insufferable people that got on my nerves however, but it was all good. What made my day? At the end of the flight, the crew under probation whom I was a mentor to, came up to me and thanked me profusely. She said I was very patient and reassuring. That came as a surprise, it really did.

It is a not a good thing sometimes. Food for thought, when people see a good side of someone first, it is often harder for them to accept if the person has an off day and decides to be a bitch. Isn't that always the case?

Ah what the fuck, gonna rest now and do as much as I can before I fly off again on tomorrow night. Today will be another good day.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I managed to get quite a bit of things done today, including practising the piano. I am feeling much better. Checking my new roster now, before I leave for the airport in 15 minutes. Well, still a ton of things to do before I take off, but I am feeling a small sense of satisfaction.

Sent out a few msgs today, heartwarming to know that they came at the right time for some friends. I miss everyone of my closer friends, and yes, I do miss you too.

Off I go now.
I miss my mommy...

And I called her to tell her that, for the first time in 23 years. She has gone away to Malaysia for a few days and I will not be seeing her until I come back from London on the 13th.

My friend's mother called me while I was in Jakarta, to say thank you. All I did was to agree to bring some mooncakes to her son, studying all the way in London. It was just a simple gesture on my part, but I was surprised by how grateful she sounded. Unknown to her, she touched my heart in many ways and made me realize a few things.

I thought about my own mommy... The smile on her face when I walk through the front door... Happy, when I choose to stay at home to spend some time with her, just talking... How she would suddenly not want to go to work just because I happen to be around... Her constant worrying about me... God, the emotions I am feeling right now are hard to express in words.

Especially, when it hit me that I have taken her for granted many, many times. No doubt, she can be very harsh, often driving me to tears when she puts me down... thinking that it is for my own good. I used to resent her for that, often having to use every ounce of my willpower to keep my temper in check and not lash out at her. But I do know one thing, she loves me, my younger brother and the dogs very much and has always given us the best that she can give.

She resists changes and I know deep down, it scares the hell out of her when she realizes how much I have grown up and making my own big decisions in life. I know she is fearful that I will slip, make mistakes, and live to regret forever. It is a natural instinct for her, as my mother, to protect and shelter her little girl from the 'big, bad world' out there. More often than not, it is not in my best interests.

I talked to her about it one day and she has accepted everything I had to say. I will do her proud and I will be strong for her and myself. I love my mommy very much.

I am worried about my daddy again... I need to sleep now, flying off to London tonight. God give me strength for everything I have to face, I am praying very hard but I will take it easy. Things always work out for the best.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Moral Dilemma

What do you do when you are faced with a moral dilemma?

Do you do the right thing and be honest, even though it may mean losing the only thing that you really, really, really want right now...?

Or, do you tell a little white lie where there is a chance that you may not be found out, to increase your chances of getting what you really, really, really want...? But, will come back and bite you back in the ass when you least expect it.

Ah.

I decided to do what's right.

Sigh... and then pray hard and hope for the best. Strange... since when did I become like this? I am used to getting my way all the time, by any means, as long as it will work to my advantage.

Sudden revelation, I just will not do that anymore. I do not think that I can live with myself.

Nabei lah. Life was so much easier being a bitch hehehe;p One tough decision after another... but fuck it, I know I can handle it. I am in control of my life and I will walk the talk. Afterall, no matter how afraid I am, I must be strong for myself first before I can be strong for others.

Somehow, I know that things will work themselves out. It may not be the way I want it to initially, but it will be better.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I did not need a punching bag afterall and I did not go to church today but I heard the distant chime of church bells and I felt that I was there, in spirit.

I spoke to Him in my heart, "Lord, it is just you and me..." And I began. It was a private conversation where I bared my soul. Then I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted, replaced by a warm glow of calm that took its place.

The horrible feelings that consumed me this morning was gone and for that I am glad. I really do not want to that kind of negativity to plague me and bring me down. I simply will not allow it, I am empowered to take control of my life and I will.

At this point of time, however, I only want to be alone. There is this need to shut everyone out, but I think it will do me good. I get edgy and start putting up barriers when I feel people are trying to come into the invisable circle I have drawn around myself. It is selfish, but I think I need to focus on what is inside me, only when I am ready, then I can start giving to the world.

Don't get me wrong, I will always be there for my friends, to listen and to share, my heart is not cast in stone, I just need a recluse. If I get any unwelcomed intrusion, I'll be sure to push, and I will make sure I push hard hahahahhahaha!p

Don't mind me, just the edgy bitch talking. Gotta report for work now, with a smile of course.
For the first time in a long while, I cannot quite describe what I am feeling inside. I just know that I feel absolutely fucked up, and I mean
A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y.

I am still not feeling very well and yet, I could not sleep til 6.30am this morning and I woke up at 2.5 hours later because my dogs refuse to stop barking. It is taking every goddamn ounce of self-control to curb my violent tendencies.

It is that time of the month get women irrational, crazy for no apparent reason and mood-swingy. But honestly, this is bad, very bad. I think I will stop here before I scare everyone. I want to be left alone now, I need my recluse, please.

Give me a fucking punching bag and I will be happy.