Sunday, November 26, 2006

Blogging from Zurich right now. The more I listen to people's life stories, the more I feel I learn and yet, the more jaded I feel. But again, it reminds me to appreciate whatever blessings I have, even though I know it will not always remain the same throughout my life. It is a double-edged sword really...

Nothing is forever. Things will always change, circumstances, people, environment... everything changes. For better or for worse. The best way I know how to deal with all these changes is to take it in my stride and and adapt, while doing my best not to compromise on what I hold dear to me.

One of my friends said it will not rain forever. Again, profound wisdom in such simple words. In your darkest hour, when you look left and right and there is no one beside you, you can't look back because it is the past and you can't look forward because you don't know what to expect, the only way is to look up to God.

Everything is all good at the moment but I know that my life journey will take me to the foot of yet another mountain. I still have my whole life ahead of me and I will keep those words close to my heart.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Feels weird going away after being around in SG for 2 weeks. I have only been doing turnarounds afterall up til now. Flying off to Zurich tonight, exhaustion is setting in but I will not think about it until I arrive at my destination. It will be very cold at this time of the year.

Going off to get ready now, it is gonna be a long night!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Some things are harder to talk about. Today, I woke up still feeling very bad despite telling myself that what was being said had no ill intentions. I guess what got to me was the action, rather than the words itself. But I will not take it to heart.

Sigh.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

It was an effort to drag my ass down to church today despite nursing a mild hangover. I was only a tad high when I left but I woke up feeling dehydrated and with my head spinning. Nabei. I will try not to mix my drinks the next time round and keep the whole partying business down to a minimum. I will just stick to my white wine if I have to drink.

Personally, I don't find much enjoyment in it anymore, especially if there is no good music to dance to. The only fun part was meeting so many people I know, and finding out that everyone knows each other or are linked to one another. It is a freaking small world out there and the 'six degrees of seperation' hypothesis is becoming more evident, except that this is on a smaller scale.

Anyhow, although I did not feel the connection with today's sermon at all, I felt comforted and at peace just being there. It was a different speaker this time but his words did not 'speak' to me. Sometimes, when I am having a conversation with someone, or simply reading a book or a passage, the words just jump out at me and make an instant connection. Today, a friend shared with me a poem that I had a total affinity with. The words of the poem were like gems of wisdom that soothed my soul and sheds light on everything that has been happening in my life thus far. The words called out to me.

GOD KNOWS BEST
by Helen Steiner Rice

Our Father knows what's best for us,
So why should we complain ...
We always want the sunshine,
But He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter
And the merriment of cheer;
But our hearts would lose their tenderness
If we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow;
He tests us, not to punish us,
But to help us meet "tomorrow."

For growing trees are strengthened
When they withstand the storm;
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain;
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings
That God has so freely sent;
We will find no cause for murmuring
And no time to lament.

For Our Father loves His children,
And to Him all things are plain;
So He never sends us "pleasure"
When the "soul's deep need is pain."

So whenever we are troubled,
And when everything goes wrong,
It is just God working in us
To make "our spirits strong."

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Getting back into the swing of things! My mood these days, is one of high spirits and optimism once again. The dark clouds that have plagued me over the months seem to have parted to reveal the light. This year has been one of many hidden blessings for me. Many people have come into my life in the oddest and most unexpected ways. While some will become a constant influence in the years to come, others will only pass by and fade into oblivion thereafter. Yet, it is interesting to see how things can go one full circle and come back to me, somehow.

It has been a rather stagnant, non-productive year, but one where I have learnt many valuable life lessons. During one of my conversations with a friend yesterday, he suddenly quipped, "Success is a poor teacher." It is one of those single one-liners that make perfect sense and bring about an immense comfort.

Does it not have such a powerful meaning? When things go our way all the time, we take it for granted and we miss out on an opportunity to learn. Sometimes, it is better to experience failure in small doses, so we can handle other major upsets better, deal with it and then move on. Nothing in this world is forever, we are constantly subjected to trials and tribulations at different stages. I feel like I have to be on my toes all the time but it keeps me alert, allows me to grow mentally and spiritually, and makes me appreciate whatever I have even more.

I have witnessed how individuals deal with emotional anguish in different ways. Some break down and cry openly, while others show a brave front to the world and cry their heart out in private. The worst kind is to self-destruct, because there may be no return. Personally, I have been on that path before when I was much younger, but I pulled myself out of it in time. It was the most painful lesson I have ever had to learn but it is one which will serve me well later in life. I do not break down in front of people, nor do I do so in private. I think I can count the number of times I actually cried this year with one hand. Hehe! I deal with shit by finding an outlet for release. What works for me is running, writing, playing the piano, immersing myself in music, reading or just simply talking about it. When I glance back occasionally, I have had no regrets with the way I have handled my life since my 'turning point'. As the saying goes, when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade.

I have been quite disciplined these days. I actually sat down in front of the piano and practised for 2 hours yesterday and today without realising it. That is because I forced myself to practise freaking scales and arpeggios . Rows after rows of them in majors, melodic and harmonic minors, thirds and sixths apart. I have not even got to the chromatic scales yet. Oh God, I cannot believe that I did not touch them for one whole damn year. Luckily I do not have to re-learn them all over again, but I have to perfect them and play from memory. Scary shit.

Ah well, I can feel a nice tingle in my toes. It is a great start to a nice weekend, more good things to come!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Finally... a real break following four, fast and furious turnarounds in a row. In between catching my breath, dealing with a persistent tension headache and totally knocking out after that, I found the time to reflect and think about a thing or two.

There was this sudden snap realization on what has been gnawing at me the past few of months. Thus, I made the decision to put my foot firmly down and say NO. No to something which I feel obligated to do, but have serious reservations about.

Sometimes life is tough like that. I believe many of us have been caught in situations whereby we find it hard to say 'no' even if against our better interests, because we have this subconscious need for people to think well of us. Me and my itchy posterior again... I put myself in a position where I tried to commit myself to something which I was just not feeling all hot about.

I deeper I feel I have sunk into it, the more the invisable alarm bells went off, which I ignored. Why? Because I don't like the idea of 'quitting' halfway, or what the nice people I feel obligated to, would think. I tried my best to be positive and happy about it. But even for a naturally optimistic person like me, all that effort to try and psych myself up did not work.

How did that affect me? I experienced a multitude of ongoing issues all of a sudden and a few aspects of my life started going downhill. For no rhyme or reason, I started feeling jaded, lethargic, dull and seriously quite brain dead. Then, I started having these tension headaches which prompted my doctor to say to me, "You are not superwoman, give some things up because you are trying to do too much."

So I made my decision to give it up and I will stick by it. Fuck obligations, it is still not too late to pull out of it. Believe me, the moment I did that, it was as if the gears of my life started turning again and I could feel the stagnancy slowly lifting. That, is the power of a decision, it creates changes that can literally turn the whole course of your life. I can feel the surge of the familiar energy in me once again. Without passion, there is no meaning for me. It makes all that difference...

I feel like I have been given a new lease of life, now I can start over. I will end this entry with a quote my friend shared with me.

There are many things in life that will catch your eyes, but only some will catch your heart. Pursue those!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A good friend, who has always been by my side throughout the years popped up online tonight. He is like a big brother to me and I have not heard from him in months since he moved to Japan. He is living such a life of difference now and I am so, so delighted for him!

Our conversation came at a good time... Starting to feel a tad inspired all over again. I am too exhausted to feel its full effects but now, I will go and rest. I will need to realign my energies before I can start over.
A couple of months it has been, and my life has begun to take on a jaded quality. I feel like I am being put through a rigorous test of sorts, a test of my faith and willpower. I know I am taking on so many things at one time that I end up completing nothing. I am slowly being buried alive under self-induced pressure. Yet, I pursue everything with a feverish and dogged kind of determination. As much as I hate to admit it, I am almost at my limit. Perhaps, I am putting on some sort of facade, and I manage to fool myself that I can handle it when things do not go the way I want them to. But, it may not be an act afterall. If I am not as strong as I have myself believe, I would have cracked by now.

Like india rubber, I always bounce back into shape even after I get seriously squashed. I am saved by my positivity and optimistic nature. However, sometimes I wonder if I must break down one day before I can startover. At the moment, I feel suffocated and paralyzed by the stagnancy of the current state of my life. Believe me when I say it is SO MUCH easier to say 'fuck it' and just give everything up. But can I? The idea of quitting now and regretting it much later in life leaves me cold. When I could give things up so easily in my youth, I am just not that same person anymore.

Physical and mental fatigue is taking its toll on me and spiritually, I feel starved. My mind keeps wandering off when I try to focus. I am doing my best to fight the inertia, but it seems to be a losing battle. I would describe my situation as an organized state of chaos. I can only comfort myself by repeating to myself 'baby steps, one thing at a time'. Easy to say but very hard to apply. The burning question is, how long more?

Blessings... I have had quite a few lately. They come in the form of the people who have somehow stumbled into my life. I have always maintained that some things are too just too coincidental to have happened by accident. They may very well be part of the design of an intricate life plan. Ah well, these things will always remain a mystery... A phone call from a concerned friend made it all better last night, a nice end to a horrible and absolutely trying day.

Today was a much better day, I am only suffering from a tension headache. Now, I just need my rest.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Dragged my ass out of bed to go for a run this morning. It is not an easy feat fighting that inertia, especially with the sun beating so strongly down on me and sapping my energy with every step I take. I pushed myself to run at 90% of my heart rate (according to my heart rate monitor), and I was literally this half dead chicken, doing what felt like the longest 30 min run, for this year.

However, I must say I am glad I am starting to run regularly again. Once I get past the initial inaction, I just don't feel like slowing down. A runner's high is really addictive, and I have almost forgotten how hyper and mentally alert I feel after a good run. Today was no exception. The moment my heart rate slowed down enough for me to breathe normally, I was bouncing all around the house, much to the amazement of my dogs. Then, I happily walked into a big puddle of Miko's pee on the floor and I went...

Nabei!!!=(

Sigh... she is always like that... Sort of toilet trained, but somehow, does not get it right most of the time. I cannot stay angry with her for long though. It's like, how do you get angry at a total darling who looks up at you with such trusting eyes. Just cannot lah.

BUT, I am not so forgiving when it comes to people who make really fucked up, totally insensitive comments. Sometimes, it just amazes me, the things that can come out of people's mouths. I mean, really.

Yesterday, I witnessed an exchange between a few people that made me want to get really violent. One of them, a woman complimented another lady on her looks, saying that she looks young and very good for her age and then asked her what her secret was. Before she could reply, this man who happened to be present, let go a comment, obviously without much thought.

"Aiyah, so obvious, suck **** lah."

Then, "You never see the Zoe Tay ad meh? She also said she swallows."

Fuck lah, I don't believe the nerve of such people. That is just TOTAL disrespect and so not funny. Even if it was meant to be a joke, it is of fucking poor taste. I think she was offended but she played along a little just to diffuse the situation. No point engaging such bozos in a conversation, I would have just dismissed him with a wave of my hand. Such a fucking turn-off.

The weird thing is, I did not remember him being like that before. Time and circumstances does change a person. Oh well.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Off to Auckland in a few hours time. I am going to be seriously, seriously burnt out. I am not looking forward to the mental and physical fatigue but I am keeping my spirits up!

I will be doing 3 turnarounds in a row without any off days after coming back, changed flights with a friend, long story but ah well... It is for a good reason and I will live lah.

Don't go down that easily. Ta!