Friday, September 29, 2006

Sigh, I finally succumbed to the virus that has been going around... It was one angst-ridden night yesterday. I tossed and turned and finally tossed myself out of bed. My ears, nose and throat were itching all at the same time and my sleep was interrupted all night long.

I did not need to wake up so early so you can imagine what sort of mood I was in when I woke up at 7am this morning. Yep, bad, very bad... Dust and pollen are triggers for me. So much for not falling sick for more than a year... Bah.

So, I went to see a doctor this afternoon to get some medicine before my condition gets worse. I had mean thoughts of shoving people aside when they got in my way but I think I am feeling too weak and faint to be able to do that.

Damn, I feel so unproductive, it takes a superhuman effort to get things done today. Now, all I want to do now is lie down. Sigh.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


MEMORY

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun



Memory, from Cats: The Musical. I was a little girl when I first heard this song and I fell in love with it instantly. It was that haunting melody and the total affinity with the lyrics and the meaning of song which pulled at my heartstrings.

I forgot all about this song when I was in the process of growing up. I favoured pop, rock and even heavy metal. Then 2 days ago, I sat down at the piano to play a few songs. For some reason which I can't quite put my finger to, that song came back to me, like a forgotten love of the distant past.

I toyed with the first few notes of the melody, then the accompaniment. Before long, I was playing the whole song on the piano, complete with the melody and background. It was as if, the music was dormant in me all this while. It has always been my wish to be able to play anything I wanted but I have never done that before, imagine the possibilities! I feel a rush of excitement just thinking about it!

I spent a good part of today morning fine-tuning my interpretation of Memory , putting my heart and soul into perfecting it. I was lost in that moment of tranquility where everything becomes one, becomes whole.

I will bring back the exuburence and the natural curiosity of a child into my life. Dreams, hope and where fairytales come to life. How could I have forgotten?

Monday, September 25, 2006

There is a reason why people say 'bless you' whenever someone sneezes, and that is because the heart momentarily stops beating during a sneeze. Fuck man, judging by the number of times I have been sneezing throughout the evening yesterday, I should have been dead by now.

Something must have triggered off some sort of allergies, I think I sneezed for at least a good 4 hours. Either that, or many people are thinking of me at the same time haha!;p Anyway, I woke up today with the back of my shoulders aching from all that heaving before every mighty sneeze. If this goes on, I might just get an asthma attack.

Nabei.

I went for a short run this morning anyway and bumped into my primary school friend of all people, so we ran together. I wear a heart rate monitor when I run, I hit 187 beats per minute (bpm) when I was running really fast on my own. I used to maintain that kind of heart rate for a good 25 minutes when I want to keep up with another friend I run with. If that does not kill me one day, I don't know what will.

It was strange though, when I was talking to my friend after running, my heart rate went down to 30 bpm. 30 freaking beats per minute, a beat every 2 seconds. I have never registered such a low reading in my life. Never.

Something weird is going on.
Being cocooned in a blanket of silence offered me that much-needed respite. It was during that time in the transient sanctury of my hotel room that I made up my mind about a few things. It was a defining moment of more changes that will take place.

In retrospect, a renewed sense of purpose and a passion for having a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.

I enjoyed a long walk with a fellow colleague along the river, right up to the statue of the mermaid in the fable that gave it its significance. Glorious weather, cool breeze, the gentle sunshine and of course, the endless expanse of clear blue skies. There was a surreal quality of being in a totally foreign place, in a different timezone. I savoured the tranquility of it all and I was happy.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

And so, I got it out of my system, something which I have been holding back for some time. And today, I learnt something. We should not be afraid to confront our fears, no matter how much it might hurt, or how afraid we are of losing something that is dear to us.

Fucking painful... but I am glad I faced it anyway. After that, there was clarity, a kind of understanding, and I dare say, a feeling of serenity. It is really a myriad of complex emotions that are going through my mind right now. But somehow, with all the gladness of my heart, there are no regrets and no resentment of any kind. I let it go and set my heart at ease.

Gonna go for a run before I fly to Copenhagen tonight. I want to clear my mind and get rid of that splitting headache before I get ready to leave.

I am looking forward to the haven of contemplation and reflection, which I get when I am alone. I will get some reading done and enjoy the peace and quiet I can only get overseas. This time, I am actually glad to go away.
Someone shared this quote with me today and I like it alot. It gives me hope.

"Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind., but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. Climb, slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment, and the view from the summit will prove to be astonishing"


And someday, I will make a difference.
My heart is uneasy. Perhaps, just perhaps that unease is unfounded...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

The same feelings of fear and uncertainty all over again. I am beginning to see a pattern here. Women's blues, 2 weeks prior to that time of the month, causes me to have a lot of these irrational mood swings. Not to mention, I feel like crap.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with one of my gal friends over MSN. She mentioned having a new junior girl in her team.

"...carrys LV, hair in french twist, quite pretty, always checking herself out in the mirror, but when she opens her mouth, I feel like I am talking to a kid."

I told my gal friend that I will be quite sad if someone talked about me in such a dismissive manner. Heh. If anything, I hate to feel mediocre. I hate to be stereotyped just because I happen to be a freaking stewardess. As much as I like my job and all its perks, but I don't know... to have someone say things like, "Oh, she's a typical SQ girl..."

Maybe, it is meant to be a compliment but personally, I find it kind of aggravating. The word 'typical' is already generalizing, enough said, and I have an issue with that. Still, as much as I detest the stigma, I am proud of my job and I take pride in how I carry myself. I have learnt alot from it and the invaluable experience I have gained is something you cannot get anywhere else.

My fear right now is the comfort zone, I am almost in it already, if not for the fact I have plans for myself. I have a direction I am moving towards but it is a very long shot. The higher you set your sights, the harder you must be prepared to fall. I am all ready to pick myself up again when that happens.

I must be brave.

"You're accepted."

Alone, I roamed the streets of Melbourne... I found myself getting lost in the maze of streets and spent a lot of time re-tracing my steps, but it was my personal time, at my own pace, and I enjoyed it.

I turned into one lane and I ended up walking behind this woman, then past her. I heard someone talking in a low voice, it sounded quite hostile. I assumed that the person was having an arguement on the phone and tuned out. Then the very same woman that I walked past, caught up with me, turned back and stared hard at me. It dawned on me that she was the one whom I heard talking and she was talking to ME.

I did not like the look in her eyes, it was sorta crazed, malicious and full of hate emanating from them. She seemed stoned as well and very capable of violence. I honestly won't be surprised if she decides to try and scratch my eyes out or something.

I just had one thought, "Nabei, sian." And a split second to react. So, I kept my cool, showed no emotion and calmly met her stare. Then I looked away and continued walking. She came up to me at the traffic light and touched me lightly on the arm.

"You're accepted," she said.

This was really one of the stranger moments in my life. I do not know what to make out of it. What does she mean? Maybe one day, I will understand, perhaps later in life.

Good to be home, I am going to spend time with my mom today.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Mixed feelings... As much as I dislike flying off again, my time overseas is really the only time I have to myself. I have a hell lot of reading and studying to do and it is only during that time that I can focus. I go to the gym and most importantly rest. It is always so hectic for me back in Singapore, and it is just about to get worse. I have many commitments to attend to and I cannot say 'fuck it' and give up like I used to. It is just not me anymore.

It is overwhelming and I am starting to feel pangs of anxiety, but yet I know now's the time to do it all. Do it when I'm young, do it when I have this strong drive and momentum. Do it all. Live life and balance my goals and my personal life. I think I am doing a good job of maximizing my time now, juggle everything. Question is, how long can I last?

You know, all I really want to do is spend my time with him, with my friends and my family. That is what I find most comfort in so I always make an effort to. It keeps me sane, keeps me grounded and they are all very important to me. Everyone tells me to take things one at a time. It is good advice and I know it very well myself. It is easy to say but yet it is so tough to follow through.

I identified with the movie The Devil Wears Prada because someday I know I will have to choose between career and my personal life. It gives me more reason to maintain that fine balance. Whatever I have planned for myself is perfect for now. If I make it, I would have no problem maintaining that balance, be contented and one day, have a family of my own. A friend told me that the picture is too perfect and he does not want to burst my bubble.

I know he means well but I told him I am not in any bubble to begin with. I know how much I will have to fight to be in that picture in the end. I know that there will be detours and disappointment and failures along the way. I do not expect my journey there to be smooth sailing. All I know is I have faith and that perfect picture is what keeps me going.

The time to make that journey is NOW. I am scared but I am hopeful, and I have many positive and supportive people around me. I hope we can all do well in our lives, together. It will all turn out well.

Gonna prepare for my flight now. Til then...
Now that I've calmed down somewhat, I am going to try blogging again. Nabei. Heh. Earlier this afternoon, I wrote about Moscow in detail and was almost done when I accidently refreshed the page and the entire post got deleted. Oh and that happened twice.

Absolute pain in the ass. And THAT is the most annoying thing that can happen as I am someone who is not really into chronicling my trips. Oh well, shit happens.

Moscow evokes a certain kind of fascination as it is foreign and hardly mentioned until recently. It is very unlike the usual Paris, London or New York. It is a city that speaks volumes of its history and has a distinct character of its own.

If there is a colour I'd use to describe Moscow, it will be grey. What intrigued me were the cathedrals that were peppered around the city. They were like sudden bursts of colour amidst the endless greys and browns. To me, they were architectural works of art and unorthodox. I have never in my life seen cathedrals that look like mosques with a double-bar cross. And the colours! They were so gaily coloured that they reminded me of a candy factory!

Almost all of the signs were in Russian and the lettering really piques my interest and curiosity. They are impossible to figure out and they resembled the viking runes I have tattooed around my right hip.

The highlight of this trip was the visit to the Moscow Circus with some of my colleagues. Oh my God! I have heard of the Moscow Circus even before I knew Moscow was a city in Russia! We were kept entertained for 3 hours by numerous acts. The various acrobatic acts were so good that it defied logic and go beyond what you'd think a human body can do.

I seriously had trouble keeping my mouth closed and I probably looked quite silly. Hehe;p

I did not like the clowns though coz they freak me out. The fear stemmed from the movie It, based on the novel by Stephen King. That fear has been rooted in me since I was a kid. They still creep me out. Definately not a fan of any clown.

  Posted by Picasa
Moscow Circus ticket


The whole set of crew did the city tour to The Kremlin. We had an excellent guide who was very detailed and informative. In a nutshell, the Moscow Kremlin (Russian: Московский Кремль) is a historic fortified complex at the very heart of Moscow, overlooking the Moskva River (to the south), Red Square (to the east) and the Alexander Garden (to the west). It is the best known of kremlins (Russian citadels) and includes four palaces, four cathedrals, and the enclosing Kremlin Wall with Kremlin towers. The complex serves as the official residence of the President of the Russian Federation.

I cheated, I got that information from Wikipedia. I only have very few pictures. My camera ran out of juice before I could take anything else. Not that I can be bothered, really. I am horrible at things like that.

  Posted by Picasa
Red Square

  Posted by Picasa

I seriously don't care for souvenirs either. Knowing me, I will just put them away and forget about them until years later. However, I make an exception for this.
  Posted by Picasa
Russian Dolls


Thought they were quite cute. Every doll, except for the tiny one can be kept inside each other. Opening them one by one and discovering another doll inside is like eating a chocolate Kinder Bueno egg and finding some surprise. The tiniest doll is the size of a peanut. I got bored of it after playing with it for a grand total of 2 times. Now, I have no idea where to display them so I kept it back in the paper bad. See what I mean?

I would have lost this post again but this time I saved the text in a Word Document. Thank goodness I did that, I ended writing more than I intended to.


Excellent show. Meryl Streep was in her element and she potrayed the dragon lady boss of a top fashion magazine perfectly. This movie carried a message we can all relate to, I know I certainly did. It is about making choices again. Your career or your personal life? Got me thinking again, let me ponder on this. Freaking tired and I am going to sleep now. Goodnight.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I am gonna freaking scream. My ENTIRE POST got deleted. FUCK.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Choice. This is a word I keep hearing over and over again. Yet, it must be a word with a powerful connotation if it is being brought for two Sunday sermons in a row by two different pastors.

Again, it got me reflecting about the way I have been living my life. Sometimes, we are bombarded by so many options that we are spoilt for choice. While at times, there is just that one single choice when we have exhausted all avenues. To me, having a choice is the greatest thing because we are given the power to change our lives.

I must stress that making the right choices comes with proper guidance. I must say that I am blessed with a good family and great friends who give well-meaning, thought-provoking advice. I consider everything before making my choice. Being no stranger to making bad choices in my youth and having to learn painful lessons, I turned to religion. When your soul is weary and crying out for help, it is the only salvation. I chose God as my salvation.

There were periods in my life where I live day to day with a huge gaping void in me that made me numb. Many people, including myself, see numbness as a form of protection from getting hurt. It is only today that I realize what a scary thing it actually is.

Reverand Dr. C.C.K touched on this in his sermon today. Nature abhors a vacuum. This is an idiom used to express the idea that empty and unfilled spaces are unnatural as they go against the law of nature and physics. He believes that whatever is removed, must be replaced with something. If that space is left empty, something more omninous breeds in its place.

Looking back, it was when I had that gaping void in my life, that I made some of the worst decisions. I cannot even begin to express my horror upon realizing how some of those choices could actually be irreversible and destroy me.

That aside, I am a much happier person now that I have chosen my path, the people I want to keep close to me and the kind of life that I want to lead. Despite the many struggles I still face, I now understand and see that it has its purposes. Amen to that.

I will not be updating for awhile as I will be away for several days to Dubai and then to Moscow. I will miss everyone dear to me.