Life is strange like that... the less I have, the more I want to give. But since I do not have a big budget to bust now, I give in more meaningful, thoughtful ways. There were many things I wanted, but now, what I really want cannot be bought from a store. The material world beckons sometimes, but these days, I am hardly seduced by something that will only bring me temporary happiness

My darling asked me to choose my Christmas present yesterday and we wandered into a few choice boutiques to have a look-see. I would walk out empty-handed each time, which finally led him to declare that it was hard to buy anything for me. After all, it is not everyday that a girl will say no to a little trinket from Tiffany & Co. The intention was sweet of course, but I just do not think it is worth spending that kind of money on something that does not really appeal to me.

Besides, I am very specific about the things I like and want. Don't get me wrong, when someone gives me a present, I definitely appreciate the thoughtful gesture. However, it is just that when I get to choose, the process becomes quite complicated. That, my other half can attest to. Heh.

I usually get the things which catch my eye and hold my interest, but considering how fugly and tacky most of the clothes, bags and shoes are these days, it is better to pass. Furthermore, I still love the things that I own now as they have served me very well. Having said that, I think I pretty much have all that I want and need for now.

What I really want is something money cannot buy. I want the means to provide well for my family, give back whatever I took and more. I want my dreams to become a reality and I want to walk the journey of life the one and I love and respect, by my side. Above all, I want to lead a fulfilling life with God in the centre of it all.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!



It is like bringing a kid to the candy store

Yes, I admit that I do get bothered by the small stuff every now and then, and today is one of those days. Inconsiderate behavior is one thing I have little tolerance for and any encounter with it causes the bitch in me to rear its ugly head, well almost.

I hate it when people refuse to move to the back of a crowded bus while other people are waiting to board. Even more annoying to me is when some people lean their whole body against the pole in a MRT train during peak hours, while surrounding commuters grasp gingerly at whatever they can hold on to. All these things happening in one day is enough to make a matter as trivial as forgetting to inform me when lunch plans are cancelled, piss me off.

Snooty people irritate the hell out of me too, though the irony is I do have an aloof disposition as well.

Ah well, fuck it all, just wanted to rant. Now that I am done, I have a Christmas gathering to look forward to this evening.

Christmas this year will be a lot more interesting and meaningful than the previous years. It is nice to finally feel the spirit of Christmas, after being numb to the occasion for so long. Perhaps I did something differently, I gave something a little more than just a gift from the store.

There has been a positive flurry of activity in my life and I now greet each day with refreshed optimism. Recently, someone whom I got back in touch with all of a sudden has advised not to share my career plans with people. It is an advice I will heed as I am honestly very tired of talking about it and I feel I do not need to answer to people whom I am not very close to, especially not the process.

So that being that, my post is short and sweet. I am off to bed as I have a long day tomorrow.

Yesterday night, I turned into that little girl. There is something about crying that soothes the inner turmoil, like the calm after a storm. It is really something I should learn to do more often.

In these 4 months, I have cried more times then I did the whole of last year and the years before that. Without going too much into the details, the one who caused it was also the one who stayed by my side and comforted me when I did. Quarrels are a necessary evil but it must still be done in a manner that is civilized. As painful as it is sometimes, I am a firm believer that issues need to be addressed and should never be swept under the rug.

I would like to share this daily devotional which I received in my email this morning, just after I wrote my last entry:

Never Alone, Always Cared For

1 Peter 5:7
7casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

It does not matter how tightly knit our families are or how many close friends we have. When we go through a difficult time or trial, many a time, we still feel all alone and that no one really cares or understands.

Martha knew that feeling. She had on one occasion cried out to Jesus, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone?” (Luke 10:40) Jesus’ disciples also knew what it was like to feel small, alone and in trouble. They cried out, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” when they were swept up in a terrifying storm. (Mark 4:38)

Today, maybe the cry of your heart is also, “Lord, do You not care that I am left all alone… that I am going under… that I am perishing?”

My friend, the Lord does care for you. He loves you so much that He wants you to cast all your cares upon Him — not just some but all your cares. He wants both your big and small cares. There is nothing too small or big for Him. If it is a care in your heart, He wants you to cast it upon Him.

When the apostle Peter wrote “casting all your care upon Him”, he was talking about the continuous act of casting all your cares upon the Lord. As a care comes, God wants you to cast it to Him. That is the lifestyle He wants you to adopt. Why? The verse gives us the reason — “for He cares for you”. You are casting all your cares upon the One who loves you, and who left all of heaven to come and die for you. That is who you are casting your cares to. It is not just any person, but it is the One who gave His life for you!

When you are going through a difficult time, God wants you to believe that you are never alone because He Himself has said that He will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5) As the object of His care, He will take care of you for the rest of your life. You are never alone and always cared for!

More than a mere coincidence? He is listening.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, that is where I am at the moment and it is definitely not the most comfortable position to be in. The words 'comfort zone' is both strange and foreign to me and I cannot seem to recall the last time I was in that place.

These days, I can only find comfort in writing and in my heartfelt prayers to God, though it has become increasingly difficult for me to express my private thoughts and feelings. A private struggle ensues and I am teetering on the edge of exhaustion for reasons not many can comprehend.

I am blessed to have a lot of people who have been a constant support in my life, but even then, there is only so much they can understand.

Secretly, I am glad that I am not as alone as I feel, for I can turn to God who knows me best.

On a brighter note, some things are going according to plan and I am relieved to have caught that opportune moment yesterday. I had to step even further out of my already uncomfortable zone to make it happen but it is all quite positive. However, I was rebuked for disappearing from the scene and missing out on an opportunity because I was not active enough to catch the wave. All is not lost and from all the information I have managed to gather, I have an idea what is to come next. I need to secure this for myself and I can only see how everything will pan out a few months down the road and be ready.

A lot remains to be seen and I must hold out for what I want and stay true to my beliefs.

Today, I completed my 2nd 10KM run for the year. Since this is the first time I am participating in the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon, I decided to start with a modest distance of 10KM.

Other than the CAAS Aviation 10KM run which I took part in last month, I have never completed this distance before. Despite being very slack with my training, I finished with a decent timing, about 65 minutes or so. Although I did not push myself that hard, I just kept going at a steady pace without stopping and only speed up significantly for the last 2KM.

My body had been surprisingly conditioned to run this distance and to challenge myself even more, I am going to take part in the half marathon next.

A lone picture in my blog of many words... I had my graduation tonight and finally obtained my wings. It is more than a just a recognition for having successfully completed my course, to me, it signifies all the odds I have overcome and that my dreams are about to become a reality. It is my personal symbol of faith, hope and freedom.

Though the poorly-tailored college blazer I had to wear did not do justice to my frame and was totally unflattering on all counts, I was glad that the 2 of the people I love most were with me to share this important occasion.

What's next? At this point of time, it is not a question I can ask myself because I know what I want next but it is only a matter of time before they can become reality.

Now, I want to focus on my personal development and my spiritual growth and be grounded in faith. Perhaps, now I want to know what I can give and how I can make a difference.

I managed to catch the movie, Amelia, a film based on the life of famous female aviation pioneer, Amelia Earhart. The legacy that she has left behind remains unparalleled and her achievements are awe-inspiring.

The movie was beautiful and highly motivational. The scenes of her flights transported me back to my days of flying in Jandakot, how I miss it all! I long to be up in the endless expanse of blue skies, with the melodic hum of the engines in the background, while I relish the freedom of flying solo.

Indeed, dreams know no boundaries and the sky is the limit.

WHO AM I - CASTING CROWNS

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

The above, are the lyrics to the song that deeply resonates with my soul and summarizes my Christian faith thus far.

Who am I? 5 years ago, I would not have the answer to that question, but after accepting Christ into my life again in 2006, I know now... Religion aside, it is very important to know our identity and our purpose in life as it gives us our direction, without which, we'd just be drifting along like a piece of deadwood.

Over the years, I have established my own identity and I dare say I have a pretty strong sense of purpose. However, I would experience occasional bouts of self-doubt, confusion and fear of the unknown, all usually due to external influences. There will always be people who give advice that contradicts our beliefs and perhaps, confuse us even further. Then there may also be some experiences that we are unwittingly exposed to, which may subtly cause us to lose ourselves over time. Being a Christian keeps me in check, so when I stray, I never stray too far.

Knowing what you want in life is 90% of the battle won, because when it finally comes your way, you'd be able to identify it and not let it slip you by. A few years back, I remember lamenting to a good friend, on the the boats that I kept missing and he told me to wait for a ship instead. Then one day in August this year, the ship came to me, and I am glad I held out for it.

Looking back, I am happy with all the choices I have made so far and how my life has changed because of them. I am feeling incredibly happy these days and there is just so much love to give. I feel nearly complete and many things are falling nicely into place. Once I am where my dreams have taken me, it will be complete.

The best thing that has happened to me in 2009 besides getting my license, is having met that special someone whom I can share those dreams with. God is good.