Gonna keep this short. I fell sick on Christmas Eve, serious ear block and fever. Eardrum is swollen and still blocked but I am feeling better. Being ill did not stop me from having a fantastic time on the Eve though... I was happy to be where I was, doing simple things and with great company. That is the life! I received a few unconventional gifts that girls don't usually get but I loved them all=) Very thoughtful and it warmed my heart. It is really the smallest and simplest gestures that speak the most volumes.

Memorable Christmas, not with snow, but with cloudless blue skies and lots of sun. Perhaps one day, when my dreams become a reality, I'll be there too.

So life remains a mystery, too complex for all of us to comprehend. Instead of struggling to, I tell myself to allow myself to be pleasantly surprised, and to be prepared to handle anything, come what may. That, as opposed to worrying incessantly and going apeshit about things that have not happened YET, or may not even happen. Although, I am not a worry wart by nature, I do admit I still get 'concerned' about things.

Today, in liberated spirit, I told myself to let things be, and only deal with it when the shit happens. That is why I love the expressions, "No worries" and "Don't sweat the small stuff". They will serve me very well when I start to get unhappy.

No amount of worrying will prepare us for life's changes. I no longer have fear of the unknown, because we will never know anyway. It is only recently that I truly understand the meaning of going with the flow and letting my intuition guide me up to the point I have to make a decision.

Once I do that, I will go with the flow once more, albeit a controlled flow, without regrets.

If I may say so, I think that up til this point, I have managed to keep most aspects of my life in a delicate balance. No longer, will I will let the pendulum swing too wildly and out of control.

I woke up this morning, from the best sleep I have had in ages, and arrived at a conclusion... Let the good experiences in life define you and not what you own. Keep life simple and live for the moment, the moments that make you smile and take your breath away.

Looking back, the happiest moments of my life are the ones that are unexpected and simple. For many things that go my way, the unexpected surprises I get more than makes up for it because they are usually better. The happiest people are also the ones who take it easy and have simple wants.

This year has been one of many immaterial blessings for me. Despite the occasional stagnancy and stuff that gets me down, it is a growth process and I have learnt many valuable lessons.

The nordic rune tattoo around my right hip translates to 'Faith, hope and happiness.' It is a reminder to keep the faith, for without which, there is no hope and without hope, there is no happiness. That sums it all up.

Well, my Christmas present was unexpected and it came early! Many things just click into place. May it be the best and most meaningful Christmas for me and everyone. With that, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! May it be one of forgiveness and memorable moments and may it bring glad tidings. Have a blessed New Year!

=)

From the bottom of my heart, I truly value the close ties that I have managed to forge with those who have become dear to me. People, who are my pillars of strength and have laid the foundation I need for personal and spiritual growth. They have lifted my spirits up through the uncertain periods and made all that difference. These blessings that have lit up my life are a constant reminder that there is still happiness and all things good in this world.

The heavy downpour has kept me from running outdoors, but on the upside, it is the perfect weather to be staying in and playing on the piano. I managed to do my practice for 2 hours today and the day before. Quite an achievement, considering I am someone who gets distracted pretty easily, heh...

Off to Melbourne first thing tomorrow morning, hope I fall into a deep sleep tonight.

We can accomplish anything we want, just not everything we want.

Having free high-speed internet access from my hotel room is a godsend. My lap top and the books that I brought along are enough to keep me happily occupied. So much so that I do not feel like leaving the comfort of the hotel room.

It does not help that it is so freaking cold outside that I can feel my lips turning a dark shade of blue whenever the wind blows. I cannot even talk properly. Nabei lah. Worst of all, I lose all sensation of my toes, fingers and ears after awhile. God, I hate that!

Working on a brand new aircraft for the very first time was quite an experience. It is like being thrown into the sea and being forced to swim for your life. It is the kinda situation that the only thing on your mind is to 'survive' the flight. But hey, we all did it and worked well together.

It was amusing to note that I was being bossed around but I knew it was not personal hehe;p Interesting to see 2 personalities in one person 'checking' one another. If you get what I mean.

Ah well, I will enjoy the day ahead. Later then.

And today is one of those days...

That I crave routine, order and normalcy. I want none of the complications or drama in my life. I just want to feel settled... to be around. Yet, I long to abandon all the cares in the world that bog people down and just live my life as an adventure and experience it to the fullest. Where things stand at the moment, I am constantly adapting and changing, different mindsets to deal with different situations, getting used to different environments, weather and crossing timezones. My mind and body is under stress but ah what the hell lah, the best way I know how to deal with it is A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.

I received this quote by in my email today, quite timely I must say, and I would like to share it.

'The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.'

It is a gift and a choice that we all have. If I can control my attitude, I can control my life. You know, I struggle with myself all the time but when I apply THAT to my life, things become a whole lot easier and I feel more empowerment.

I woke up with the sensation that my heart was being clenched into a tight fist. I feel moody but I know for a fact that it is not depression because I honestly have no reason to be upset. It is not fatigue because I had uninterrupted sleep and that, despite having had a busy morning, I still have loads of energy coursing through my mind and body.

I think I know why though... Spiritual starvation. Cliche as it may sound, 'soul searching' comes to mind. Material things do not interest me anymore, nor being better than everyone else. What do I want? What matters now? I do have an inkling, but maybe the answers will reveal themselves to me soon.

It is amazing how we can have a myriad of emotions in just one day. I experience a full range of feelings from the moment I am awake, to the time I finally sleep. I guess the trick is to find that intricate balance so that I don't go cuckoo one day. I am doing a pretty good job of compartmentalizing my feelings so that it doesn't spill over and affect the various aspects of my life. It is ever-changing, just like how life is. I have learnt to accept things don't stay the same always, they never do. So instead of fretting and fearing changes, I leave it all up to God. That gives me a peace of mind and hope, in the craziness of this world we live in.

I have my goals and I know how I want to lead my life. I do not hanker for more material things and more money. Enough is good. I want meaning and passion, and when I occasionally glance at the bigger picture, I see a happy and simple life.

I look at my dogs and I understand something. They are happy because their wants are simple. Shelter, food, walks and lots of love.

It must be nice.=)

A long run before my flight to Paris tonight would make me happy. I feel I have accomplished quite a bit today and now I am feeling good about myself. Yesterday I told myself I will do 5 rounds of 1km and I did. Today I will do 6. Now all I have to do is wait for the rain to stop.

Forgotten Christmas(es)

Christmas... I have forgotten all about it. Where was the joy the festive season used to bring me? Where was its spirit that would lift me out of the doldrums and infuse my soul with merriment and cheer? What happened to the thrill of setting up and decorating the Christmas tree with pretty ornaments and lights year after year? Gone. Even the excitement of shopping for Christmas presents, exchanging gifts and singing my favourite Christmas carols was missing, and for a long time.

The realization whacked me in the face. Christmas had just became another day to me.

So what the fuck happened? Perhaps, it has something to do with that one particular Christmas that will forever be etched in my memory. It was half a decade ago but from that year onwards, I became indifferent, unmoved and I just didn't give a damn about the festive season anymore.

I attended church this afternoon with low spirits and a very sore throat. The sermon was aptly titled, The Light of Christmas. Today, I finally understood the true meaning of Christmas.

For some reason, Christmas lighting has always held me in rapt fascination. It comforted me just to gaze at the running lights and immerse myself in it. The wonder of Christmas lights, unknown to me until just now, actually has a biblical significance because it represents the light of Jesus Christ and reveals the darkness in our hearts.

I learnt that Christmas is actually a time to release the fears that have been paralyzing us. The first step is not to deny them but to admit them, and then we commit them to God, for we are never in control. The fears that were clenching my heart in a tight fist are starting to take its toll on me by wearing my spirit down. I thought I knew better and tried rationalizing and dealing with them in my own way. My way obviously did not help much because, I would wake up with a heavy heart every morning. The moment I admitted them and let go, was the moment I freed myself from the invisable iron chains that bound me.

Christmas is also a time to return to God. There have been many times that I feel that I been forsaken by even God himself and that I am all alone to fend for myself. Very often, I realized that the things that I want the most and try very hard to get, often slip through my fingers. I fight to do things my way because I thought I understood myself best. Then I end up feeling extremely disappointed because I have lost. It is a shit feeling to have and it is often acheived by self-sabotage. Heh. Life became so much easier when I let go and allow him to lead me to what he has planned for me, which is always better. The pastor's words ring so true at this point of time. He said, "If God seems so distant, it is not because he has moved away from you, it is because YOU have moved away from him."

We are not perfect and we are all born sinners. Therefore, forgiveness is the greatest need in our lives. We all have to sin before we can receive God's forgiveness. Without Christmas, there will be no forgiveness of sin, that is a revelation to me and I opened my heart to him and submitted myself.

I felt his presence and I was moved by the prayer. All of a sudden, I could see the light once again and I walked out, renewed with a new spring in my step. I found meaning in Christmass all over again.

I have not experienced real joy for some time now, but today, I truly did. I really cannot believe my luck sometimes! I was caught off guard when I had the unexpected chance to do what I have always looked forward to doing. I just did not know it would be today!

Pure exhilaration, it was totally, totally awesome! In my heart, I have always known I would love it, and I did! It felt right and I cannot be any happier and there was a huge smile on my face to show for it hehe:)

God bless the person who was nice enough to give me this opportunity. There are really genuinely kind people left in this world. Today, I know what it is like to walk the earth with my eyes turned skywards. It is where I long to return.

Life... I love it enough not to hate my existence. Just when I thought I've got it all sorted out for now, life's funny intricacies creeps up and bites you in the ass. It's like... I know the direction I want to head and how I am going to approach the unique situation I am in. I know what sort of person I am now, and I actually like, me. (Although, I can be better) I know what I want and where I am headed.

Or, so I thought.

Then someone comes along and plants a seed of doubt and it has now grown into a big plant. The roots have not sunk in deep enough but it is a major struggle just to try and yank it out. It is enough to create fear and make me question myself over and over and over.

A conversation that I had last night that made me shed quite a bit of tears. I was being told that men like to have me as a friend but they will not commit to me because I am too strong and ambitious for my own good. And that, what men really want is a housewife who will be there with the kids when they come home every night. Oh and also, I must learn to be submissive and more passive, learn to wear more skirts and dresses and to stop wearing jeans all the time.

THAT, is HER ideal image of me, she admitted it as much. Honestly, it is something I am capable of doing and I will even enjoy that role, as hard as it is to imagine. Haha!;) Unfortunately, it takes a man who is stronger and secure enough with himself to love me, to bring that side out of me. Truth is, I am not as strong and unyielding as some people might believe me to be. I am this way because I have to fend for myself. I am also a huge believer in being strong for myself before I can be strong for others.

Maybe I should not let it get to me, but it did. Enough to make me cry again while I was practising the piano this morning. I think I have been numbing out the pain for too long. It feels good to cry sometimes...

Although, living my life based on the expectations of others may lull me into a paralyzing existence, if there is a perfectly good reason for me to, like love for example, I will be happy to change. We are all always changing anyway... every experience defines me and makes me discover another facet of myself.

In this moment of uncertainty, I will still hold out for someone who will make me happy and vice versa. That is not going to change. Someone who will bring out the best in me, only then I will be content to follow. I will not get into another relationship because of convenience or need. I am just so sick and tired of fighting for and with myself, all I want to do is to curl up into a ball.

My best friend, Nicole said to me, "When I counted my blessings, I counted you." Those words will forever touch me and remind me why I am special to her in my own way. As we all struggle to find meaning in our lives, touching the lives of others and knowing that you made that difference, no matter how big or small, is one of the best things to live for. I just want to have joy in my life. I will submit myself to God in all totality because I am just too emotionally drained.

On hindsight, better go get myself more skirts, dresses and all things pretty hahaha!:) Maybe mom knows best.