The evils of the festive season... binge eating at whim. Totally bad news.

I have developed a phobia for Chinese New Year goodies... I overdosed on Hello Panda biscuits today. For those of you not in the know, they're bite-sized biscuits with a panda stamp and a cream filling. Extremely addictive... That is not including all the other junk I've been shovelling into my body throughout the day, no thanks to an itchy mouth.

Now, where is my discipline? I hope all that green tea will minimize the damage somewhat. If not, I'm gonna scream when I wake up a few hours later.

Gonna start working out seriously again and following a healthy diet from today onwards. I will make this year a fulfilling one for myself and look good while doing so. I will make a difference.;p

Having mixed feelings, it just ain't the same anymore...

There is a glimmer of hope after all... Faith does wonders.:) We'll wait and see.

Recently, I have been feeling this tight feeling about my chest area and I feel short of breath at times. Still, my condition is not so bad as to deter me from reporting for work later in the afternoon.

To my pleasant surprise, my mom said she wanted to to follow my brother and I to church this morning. Honestly, I was really very pleased about it and the three of us met Judy and her sister at the church itself.

Even though I am not feeling too well, it is a brilliant start to the Chinese New Year and it so happens, that the 1st day falls on a Sunday. The pastor was engaging, funny and yet addressed many issues that has been plaguing my thoughts. It is almost uncanny how I get answers just by attending a service.

I am going to continually improve myself in all aspects of my life, and adding to that, spiritual growth.

Sidetracking now, it is nice to know people care, we all need that. It is wonderful, how a msg from a friend can make your day. I'm off to Hong Kong now. See ya all and once again, Gong Xi Fa Cai, Wan Shi Ru Yi!

I like observing people in nonchalant sort of fashion and to put it diplomatically, her behavior was 'interesting' to say the least...

The way some people carry themselves never fails to surprise me, til this very day. Talk about class... or rather, the lack of it. We are not talking about children or even teenagers here, we're talking about adults. Freaking adults, mind you.

To cut a long story short, working with someone who swears, bangs and throws things around was well, 'interesting' hehe:) Sometimes, I wonder if it's in the sadistic nature of disgruntled individuals to extend their unhappiness to make themselves feel better.

Anyhoo, negativity of this sort slides off me like water off a duck's back. The rest of my colleagues were excellent so on the contrary, my mood improved significantly. I just know that I will not allow myself to act like that, especially not at work. Leave all the shit behind and wallow in it only when you're alone.

Despite discovering even more obstacles, I'm feeling good. Just praying for a miracle now and taking things easy. All in good time...

Today's the eve of the Chinese New Year. I wish everyone prosperity, good health and good fortune. May the Year of the Dog be smooth-sailing and fulfilling for all!

This morning, I woke up with a leaden heart. Went online and talked to a few friends on MSN, felt slightly better.

My of my friends was nice enough to get me this book, Manual of the Warrior of Light by Paul Coelho. Today, he shared a quote from the book:

The battles in life are always ongoing, you never lost, you just take a break. Then you strike back when the time is right.

It is not the exact words but the gist of the meaning is there. I like that a lot. Looking forward to getting the book in my box. Will be flying to Shanghai this afternoon, hope all goes well.

And I know I'll be alright.

I need to rant again.

What is it like to be beaten again and again and again? Hard to swallow, very. Give up? Tempting... but I don't want to make it an option. People give up because the fear of being disappointed is too much to stomach. I given up one too many times because I did not have the courage to face the possibility of failure?

I bounce back like india rubber, I always do, but each time I become a little different.

I am confused. My friends say I complicate my life and I know that they are right. When did I start becoming this way? Suddenly, I realized that I have forgotten what it is like to be happy. When things were simpler, I was happy. The issues that bothered me then is how much I weigh and how I look.

I was an avid advocator of keeping life simple, then it hit me that I don't practice what I preach anymore. I forgot how to appreciate what I already have and the simple pleasures in life. How did I lose myself along the way man? I was blinded by something, and I was surrounded by darkness.

Enough of this shit. Gonna snap out of this and stop being so hard on myself. Approach life with a carefree attitude and start going with the flow again... just as I always have when I made my life simpler. Do what I have to do and the rest is up to God. Leave it in His hands and have faith that whatever happens is probably the best outcome that can be.

My evening run lasted a mere 15 minutes, needed to let off some steam from a snowballing chain of events that has been causing me a considerable amount of frustration. I must have been really pissed off because in that short time, I covered quite a distance. I ran like a raging bull and was very short of breath from over-taking other runners just for the hell of it.

Speaking of being breathless, I can feel the onset of an asthma attack again. I could only fill up 70% of my lung capacity with air when I was running today. The culprit is probably the the occasional cigarette which I enjoy with my drinks and chill-out sessions. But these few days, they amount to quite a few. I should really put a stop to it before I get hooked and be dependent on them.

So I had to put in much more effort than usual as I huffed and puffed my way along, breathlessness coupled with a serious case of inertia that made my legs feel like they had leaden weights on them.

Anyhoo, there is this certain sense of satisfaction in overtaking people, even though I nearly killed myself in doing so today. It felt good though... I guess I am naturally quite competitive when it comes to running, sports or anything for that matter. If I am not good at something, I will most probably hate it.... heh;p

Listening to some classical piano music now, feel so inspired to run my fingers over my piano and start playing. The harmonious flow of music and seamless meshing of background and melody is a work of art. Simply amazing when you think about it... I should be more consistent with my practice...

Distractions... always a Gemini's worst enemy.

I did not screw up today. Despite having had only 3 hours' of sleep and being assigned a work position that I was totally unfamiliar with, on a heavy load. It was so hectic that I had no time to stop and think, kinda like running on auto-pilot. My day was rife with anxiety, but somehow, I knew what to do... Thanks to an excellent complex leader and crew working in business class. It was the best Manila turn I have ever done, exactly like he said it would be heh:)

I had to give church a miss today because I got activated for this flight. What a bummer... I have to work for most Sundays next month, so I don't know when's the next time I'll be around to attend the service.

Caught Memoirs of a Geisha last night with my baby, Nicole and Botak. Couple date heh:) The entire show is very slow-moving but it slowly reels you into its storyline... and what a beautiful but sad story it is, right til the very end. In a metaphorical way of sorts, the movie tells us that if we want something badly enough, we have the will to make things happen, along with a touch of what fate
has in store for us. No matter how long it takes, or how many times we fall along the way, it is that single purpose that will keep us going.

Come to think of it, how very true... Another sign perhaps?:)

Having attended the Sunday service at the Covenant church with Judy earlier on, I must say I came out feeling a a little different... Kinda like coming out of the theatre after watching Elizabethtown. A little surreal, yet powerfully thought-provoking. I experienced that again today.

The sermon delivered was something that would apply to everyone seated in that hall, but yet, as an individual, I felt that it was about me. Like i was being counselled one to one. Strange isn't it? After coming back from Brisbane, i suddenly made the decision to attend church, after so long. Then I started thinking, again, it hit me, the whole sequence of events that has been happening in my life all leads to one another. I'm kinda baffled but somehow it felt right, as if I'm following a path that has been laid out...

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that this will be a year of change. It is getting more evident by the day. Change... "People don't change... by themselves". These words are not my own but the pastor's. So damn true... but am I ready for that change? I'd better be and I want to be ready, with faith and inspiration enamating from every fragment of my soul. (So drama lol;p) Sure there'll be crosswords along the way, pick one and make the best out of it. It will all work out, it always does...

Here's a start:

- Embrace an even more healthy lifestyle give up smoking

- More focus and awareness in everything I do. Saying goodbye to the fogged-up,
and distracted mind of yesteryears

- Two words. Double Ds'. Not the bra cup size but drive and determination. Seize
opportunities and grapple them by the horns, while;

- Taking things one at a time... I am too impatient... if I want something,
I usually want it NOW. Gotta change that, good things happen to those who wait.
All in good time... I repeat, all in good time

- Appreciate and enjoy everything that I have now, yes, I will stop and smell the
roses along the way

- Understand and accept that if things don't go the way I want them to, there is
a reason for it

- Sit that ass down and practice piano!

- Attend church whenever I'm off on Sundays

So there you go. These changes are gonna be a part of my life and I'd be happy to like to listen, exchange thoughts and share them with the people around me.

Gonna go for that run now:) Til I get back...

I feel alive again after that short, albeit dreary period I experienced this month. Feels good to bounce back again. The sun really brings out the cheer in my heart. I am glad the monsoon season is over. I hate the rain, I always have, and I hate the cold even more. I don't look foward to the flight to Zurich tonight as I'll be travelling to a much colder country...

Almost everyone I know who is studying in colder countries now are feeling down and depressed, because of the horrible weather. See what I mean? Luckily I only have to endure it for 2 nights.

Things are falling into place again, having faith does wonders. Somehow things always work out, they always do and I believe in that. I am grateful for the whatever I have in life right now but I want more. That vision is still within my sight. I've gotta tell myself not to be impatient, one thing at a time... One thing at a time.

I am stepping into a church for the first time in ages, even though I am a Christian. It will be interesting. Later...

I've been activated to do a flight to Brisbane (again?)... Will be away for 4 days this time. I'm actually glad to get away, need to be alone, but I'll miss my darling dearly... As always when I have to go to work.

I am bloody pissed after reading a friend's latest blog entry. I may be wrong, but I am pretty sure another friend has told her something I did not want EVERYONE to know about. Anyway. fuck it, no big issue there. But I guess for some things, it's better not to say too much.

For every year that I grow older, I learn to say less. Perhaps, it is the wise thing to do.

I'm going to bed. Ta.

We exchanged hurtful words again last night. They cut even deeper, coming from her especially... Surrounded by the comforting blanket of darkness, I cried my eyes out for the first time in a long while. I hate the dark, but yesterday, I was glad for it. I fucking hate to cry, because all the hurt, disappointment and painful memories that I've experienced throughout my life come flooding back.

Old wounds reopened. I guess what they say about emotional scars are true huh? Once inflicted, they are always there.

I used to be afraid to set my sights high because the crushing disappointment of failure is just too great. When I've finally mustered up enough courage to dream, I get shot down, by the very few people who are supposed to be supportive. I am grateful for all those who have been very encouraging. It made me happy for awhile at least...

Last night, some things she said made me feel that I have acheived nothing at all. But at the same time, she stops me from pursuing the only thing that gave me drive and made me feel excited and alive. Even if I go ahead, it wouldn't be the same. Because this time, it would be a half-hearted pursuit. That is not enough to succeed. I will not forget.

Life's a bitch, is it so hard to be happy?

To my baby and Judy, thank you:) I love you both.

And the same to some other people I shall not name, but you know who you are:)

The goal I have set my sights on is a challenge for most. But even more so for me, I have 2 major obstacles in my way now, I don't know if I can overcome them.

For now, it remains an elusive dream, but not one which I'll give up without a fight... I have to take calculated risks but I fucking hate to sit and wait for things to happen.

Thank God for all the support and encouragement.

Flying to Brisbane again tonight... See ya all when I'm back on the 6th.