Thursday, August 31, 2006

Last night could only be described as surreal, despite a really long, hectic and exhausting day.=)

A 40 minute run today to get me started. Reporting for Bangkok now.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

So I went to bed with many questions weighing my mind. I told myself that the answers will come to me and that I will wake up to a better day.

Well I woke up feeling even worse and I think I even cried in my sleep heh. The instant I got out of bed, I changed and put on my running shoes and ran like my heels were on fire. Running like hell does not allow you to run for long, but it sufficed and cleared my head.

Today is a Sunday. Despite being out til morning, I felt especially compelled to attend church today, so I did. My mommy went with me even though she is not a believer, a simple gesture that showed that she loves me and wanted to be by my side. It was comforting to know she is there, but I found repose in his presence.

Honestly, I got bored and restless for the first half an hour. I never fancied singing modern Christian songs that I have never heard of. It is very bad of me, but I shall make a mental note to come in later next time, hehehe;p When the sermon finally started, I was blown away. I freaking swear that it addressed the issues that were I blogged about in my last entry.

Reverend E.C touched on the decisiveness of CHOICE. He reaffirmed what I have started to model my life after, making choices that will change my whole life. It is not about simply making a choice, but making a DECISIVE one and commiting to it. It is about staying true to yourself and trust in the Lord and not be swayed by any detractors. Afterall, only when you commit yourself to a decision, can all the other factors come into play to make it work.

I could absolutely identify with what he talked about next. The distinctiveness of our own IDENTITY. In a nutshell, we need to know who we are and our mission in life. I have established my identity somewhat and I am really embracing it. I mentioned before I was a fighter, and a fighter goes into battle. The pastor said before we go into battle, we need to know who we are and our mission. I think it is very apt and it describes my current situation perfectly. But again, I must choose my battles wisely, enough to win the entire war.

Some people around me have commented that I make my life complicated. It is true that I do, because I do not believe in taking the easy way out, with regards to all aspects of my life. Sometimes I wonder why I insist on putting myself through so much pain and uncertainty when I could have kept things simple and straightforward.

Today I understand why I always seem to have this struggle within myself and it is changing me. The pastor summed it up very nicely. Struggle is a necessary GROWTH process. It is a journey of faith and discovery and it allows the Lord to work within me. This precedes His work through us. I have experienced this personally, considering how much I have changed over the years. I have been given the gift a new and much better nature.

I end this entry with the pastor's parting words to ponder on. Do not be lulled into the false promises of the performance trap. Growth, and not being right, is of the highest value.

I feel renewed and I have my optimism restored again. There is a battler looming ahead. Soon.
The knot of uncertainty is growing and the unease is starting to gnaw at me again. It has always been one big fucking rollercoaster ride and sometimes I feel engulfed by the wave of emotions that sweep over me. Sometimes I get knocked off my feet, and sometimes I manage to stand my ground and let it crash over me, but I always struggle to get up no matter what.

I have always been a fighter. When I was younger, I fought for the freedom to do whatever I please and get my way all the time if I can. I fought with my parents, boyfriends and even friends. Now that I am older and have mellowed down, it is a different kind of fight altogether. It is a fight to keep my faith in the near impossible. A fight for a better future and most importantly, the happiness I think I deserve.

It is true that what does not kill me will make me stronger, but it leaves my soul weary and jaded. I am just so tired of trying to make sense of everything that has been happening in my life. There are simply too many contradictions that I cannot even begin to fathom. Should I just believe that as long as I have faith and foolish optimism, everything will turn out right? Is it wise to throw myself, heart, mind and soul, to live life for that single passing moment that may never be replicated? Or should I hold back and look at everything and everyone through suspicious and critical eyes so that I would not get disappointed? I really do not know and I have stopped trying to make sense of it all.

There are many instances throughout my life that I have experienced happiness in the simplest and purest forms. They are often just fleeting moments, while some linger on a little longer. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am afraid to be too happy. It is always a struggle to balance that immense joy and yet keep myself grounded.

Is it really so hard to be happy? The journey is starting to get weary, especially if everything is just one big goddamn question mark. It is like fighting for an unknown cause that will only reveal its true meaning when you've won the freaking war.

Even a warrior needs to lay down his arms every once in awhile and just let things be when it gets too much to handle. I am exhausted. I will just leave it to God and believe that whatever the outcome, it is for the best.

I will crawl to bed now, hopefully when I wake up, I will be renewed. I can only pray harder.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The past 2 weeks have been fucking insane. I have had 5 consecutive flights reporting before 7am in the morning, touching down late at night, with only a day's rest in between each flight. On top of that, I have many things to do back in Singapore which requires an alert mind and full concentration. If anything, all that is enough to kill anyone.

The nuclear reactor energy core that I once had, has broken down yet again. My mind and body is stoned beyong belief. All that mental and physical exhaustion... God help me. I am leaving the house at 6am to report for London tomorrow. After this flight, my roster will be much more relaxed.

On a much brighter note, I like my new team, so far so good. Not gonna comment much because it is too early to do so. I have to adapt to their style of working, am keeping my fingers crossed.

The calls and msgs all the way from Bangkok really made my day.:) The simplest gestures touch my heart and that is enough, coming from the right person of course. Whoever said I was hard to please? Heh.

Gotta go now, I am gonna keel over any moment. Goodnight and I'll be back from London on Tuesday evening.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Back from Beijing and I am so glad it is over and done with. I really do believe this is one of the toughest China flights that I have ever operated on. The set of crew that I worked with was the only saving grace.

That, and the nice Japanese buffet dinner and the foot and back massage after that tiring flight. I have never been a fan of massages but I'm a semi-convert now. The foot massage was damn good man, plus it has many health benefits. The back massage was painful but I dozed off and woke up with a bruised back. It reminded me of the time I fell asleep while the tattoo artist was working on a rune tattoo around my right hip for 2 hours. I would describe that pain as addictive and it lulls you to sleep.

Sometimes pain is good, it reminds you that you're alive and feeling. Maybe, I am just a sucker for it. Haha!

Today, I will spend time with myself. I am going to spend the afternoon reading and practising on the piano. Then, I will go for a run in the evening and spend some time with my mom. All these are provide a therapeutic release for the exhaustion I am feeling. I need it.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Phew... I can FINALLY take a breather now, just a quick entry and I am off to bed. I had a really exhausting day but it was time well spent. I got many things done today and I met my babe, Judy for dinner and hung out for a bit.

Overall, I'm very satisfied with the priorities that I have set. I'm off to Beijing tomorrow morning so I'm yurning in now. Goodnight!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Commitment

Commitment is something that everyone retreats from but always respects when recognized in others.

It is feared, as it implies a need to do something for someone else.

But it is, in fact, something one does for oneself.

Every commitment you make redefines who you are.

Making a commitment is not about undertaking a new responsibility, as it is about recognizing one that you already have. It is a measure of your own respect for yourself.

It is the basis for trust in a relationship
.

That paragraph is an excerpt from the book The Sphere of Silence by Vijay Eswaran. The words jumped out at me when I was reading it last night, before turning in.

I pondered over it just before saying my prayers and drifting off to sleep. To others, the paragraph I quoted are nothing more than fancy words, but those words carry a special meaning to me. It serves to reaffirm how I have decided to live my life and fucking seal that promise to myself.

I WILL BE commited.

I will be commited to God. I will have faith and I will do what he says or what I feel is right without question. I will believe in him and myself even if other people question my decisions.

I will be commited to my family (including the dog;p), and a few people that I keep close to my heart. It is a silent promise to them that I will be there whenever I'm needed, and even when I am not. I shall not take anybody for granted.

I am commited to someone, whether he fucking likes it or not. Heh.

I am commited to living my life, the best way I know how. A promise to myself to be a better person, step out of my comfort zone, push myself to the limits and change things for the better. I will become that person that I will respect, and believe me when I say I am not easy to impress.

And the mother of all commitment... to my goal, my passion, my dreams. I can see it at a distance now and I will work hard to make the journey there. I will have faith and I will focus my restless mind. I know I am put in this world for something better than what I am doing now. It is time to tap into that golden well of unused potential and challenge myself and see what I am really made of. It is a fucking promise to myself, and I intend to keep it.

It is a tall order but I firmly believe one should not set low standards so that they can easily acheive it. Please give the the strength to see myself through and go with the flow of things.

And I leave you with a final wham bam quote to deliberate over:

For those without direction, defeat is being lost in a desert of depression.

For those without determination, defeat is a damnation to a despondent dead end.

However, for those with dedication, driven by determination and with direction, defeat is merely a DETOUR.

Pwah.

Alrightie now, gotta drag my ass down for combat class with my darling babe Nicole. Yay!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

The realization hit me earlier tonight, I just don't miss partying or socializing that much. I actually opted to stay at home on a freaking Friday night, when I could gone out and have fun. And may I just add, happy to do so.

I must stress that I am not being anti-social, just that my priorities are now set somewhere else. Nearly all the people I enjoy hanging out with are attached anyway. That brings something else to mind... wah lan eh, nearly all my close friends are either happily attached or married.:)

Fuck, I heard some of my ex-schoolmates even have kids now. Settling down with the right man is one thing, but kids? At 23 years of age, I don't think I am ready for that kind of responsibility. There is still too much I want to do with my life and I don't think I can give up my hopes and dreams, not just yet.

I have quite a few things on my plate now, it's quite a bit for me to handle but I will do my best. I am thrilled that I can finally set some gears in motion and I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything else will flow smoothly after that. However, I must always remember to keep myself grounded, always...

Anyhoo, I am perfectly happy with my current situation now.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It is getting increasingly hard to go away these days... I never liked to be gone for long anyway. Now that I have a reason to want to be around, it is just tough.

But fuck it, I will just look forward to coming back and remain positive. Things will change, and I will be ready for whatever comes next.

I am off to Auckland in 7 hours time... *sigh*

Monday, August 07, 2006

Miko!


Endearing as always:)

Nicky!


Sent using the blog function on my phone.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

This is all so exciting for me. I am simply overwhelmed, hopeful and yet fearful of what comes next.

I am not used to feeling this way and it does not make sense to me sometimes, and yet, it also makes all the sense in the world.

I feel like I am being swept off my feet by a sweeping wave and have no control of where it is going to take me, yet it feels like I am being going in the right direction somehow.

I will pray, pray and pray.
Gone is the procrastination streak that I was born with. It is a refreshing change to have things done rightaway once I set my mind to it, or to do something about issues that bug me.

It is very, very exhausting though and now I feel like my brain is going to pop and go up in smoke.

Zurich was awesome. It's my third time there but it's the first time I actually ventured out. A group of us rented a car and drove out to the countryside and visited some small towns along the way. Zurich to Rapperswil, then to Vaduz, Maienfeld and finally dinner at Lucerne. Scenic glory all around and it was just surreal to be standing there, breathing the air of a foreign country and taking in all the beauty that surrounds me.

It is a quiet joy that fills my heart I feel thankful to be able to experience such serenity amidst all the depressing shit that has been going on in this world. Then I took a step back and had a good look at all the events in my life leading up to now.

Of late, things have been happening when I least expect it and I am completely blown away. Sometimes, it all seems too good to be true. I tell myself to enjoy the moment now and yet be prepared for the backlash if the outcome is not what I desire.

Sometimes when you really think about it, a single change in one's life can really spark off a chain reaction of sorts. In my case, it looks promising.

I had better brace myself for whatever comes next.