These feelings become alive in me once in awhile, but ever since I started my training here, they have remained dormant for some time. Perhaps it is just the environment and the people here. It is not all that bad really, but I am subject to negativity and complaints everyday that it is just hard not to be affected. There are many times where I am surrounded by people, yet feel like the loneliest person in the world. Couple that with the stress and uncertainty, I eventually allow myself to become disillusioned and jaded.
It is ironic that I have the opportunity to pursue something that I love, but yet feel like shit most of the time. There are the occasional moments of joy but they last as long as a sugar high and then I crash again. I have had to deal with many personal issues and move on from a failed relationship. There are so many times I wish I can just have a good cry but something in me just blocks out the pain I should be feeling. In a way, it is good that I am able to compartmentalize my feelings because it serves its purpose and keeps me going. Though, even if I was not able to, I will not allow myself to crash and burn.
I appreciate honesty and though it can be brutal sometimes, it is still better than living a lie. Then again, sometimes I contradict myself. Do I really know what I want or what I should do? Well, sometimes I have momentary lapses of judgement. All I want is a peace of heart and mind, but for certain aspects of my life, I do not have that.
I just want to share this verse from the bible:
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see. Hebrew 11:1
The verse resonates with how I am living my life right now. Faith has done many wonderful things for me and I will continue to keep it that way.