Are expectations a necessary evil? Perhaps, I had better start getting used to not having any and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised.

Not too long ago, I would often wonder what it was like to experience true, lasting happiness, if ever. I wondered for many years, having swallowed one bitter pill too many. Disappointment would often come in the form of hope, and when the disguise comes off to reveal the true ugliness of the situation, I would pick myself up with a heavy heart and soldier on.

I had this knack of attracting unwanted drama into my life, when all I yearned for was the simplicity which eluded me. It came to a point where I was almost afraid to be happy because the blow that comes after could be best described as crushing. Then, I was numb.

Looking back, the disappointments were a blessing because if I had gotten my way, I would only be making do or worse, putting up with something that is so obviously going to make me unhappy. Knowing what I wanted was half the battle won as I was not afraid to say 'fuck it', and move on. Whatever I do not get now only means I am meant to have something better, so I learnt to hold out for what I really want.

24th of August, 2009 was the beginning of a wonderful chapter in my life and though there quite a fair bit of tears and challenges, I now wonder if it is possible to be this happy. It is even better than what I had hoped for and I am glad I held out for one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Then I understood. There is something else I am holding out for and when it finally comes, I know I will experience true, lasting happinesss.

Foolish pride. I would be a fool if I did not swallow mine, but I did. I had to make a choice... do I want to play it cool and maintain a tortured silence? Or do I spare myself the agony and give in?

Holding on to my pride will do nothing to alleviate the situation so I decided on the latter.

It set things right and I was reminded that I had the power to change the outcome. Though it was not about winning or losing, we have both won by a very long shot.

It was the perfect R&R vacation but our sweet escape ended a little too soon. The quality time spent together was priceless and I enjoyed every single moment that I am with him. Though we did not take any pictures, all the wonderful times we had have been captured in mental snapshots for my private viewing.

The natural camaraderie that we have always had, made everything so fun and lighthearted, so much so that I literally left all my cares behind. I think the two of us ate and drank too much but heck, a holiday is when we get to break some rules. The couple of days which we spent at the beach revived a look which I used to sport, a glowing tan. The only problem is, when we walk along the seedy joints teeming with activity at night, I can easily pass off for any one of the girls who are about to becme someone's local conquest. Heh.

So it is back to the real world now and I am already missing the good times, but I am certain this trip won't be the last. Gotta love life's simple pleasures!

What joy! My darling is getting his big break and I am so happy and excited for him! Everything is looking up and it looks set to get even better.

I am so looking forward to tomorrow!:)

Can I overcome the odds when the time comes? At the moment it is so overwhelming that it is mind-boggling just to think about it. Yet, I am not daunted, because when I look back, it hit me that I have already climbed a mountain. Damn.

Yet when I look forward, there is an even higher mountain to climb. The baby steps that I take will help get me there.

Everything is all coming together nicely. Though the new year did not start off too well for me, I made sure it did not stay that way. For what it is worth, things look set to better than ever and I am really looking forward with great excitement. Whatever the outcome, it will be for the best.

I am finally going away on a short trip after so long, just me and him. Happy days ahead!

=)

I am glad that I did not accept things as it were, just to avoid that silent battle of wills that has become quite uncomfortable. I am glad I spoke my mind because when I did, it sets so many things straight.

I am just glad that this one is different and things look set to be better than before.

My heart is open I am listening. Though I still feel that things are not quite ideal, there has been a shift in my mindset and I have decided to accept it as it is. Although it is less than perfect and it requires a lot of effort on my part not to lose my cool, I can see that this is real, with none of the grey areas that I abhor. It is still something worth treasuring, flaws and all, because I can see a future. As important as it is to me, I will not make it my whole life because it is a lot more than just that.

Which is why I am going to direct my focus on the other aspects that make up my life. At the moment, I feel like I am losing my identity unless I secure my future. It is getting to be quite a sick affair repeating myself and justifying the choices I make. I know exactly what I am doing and why, but I probably should anchor my identity on the right things.

The stage has been set, all I need to do is to perfom when the time comes.

There is a lot going on in my life right now and my heart is heavy. If only the inner battle will cease long enough for the inner harmony to take its place. A silent cry that is not meant to be heard, but only for the one above.

Perhaps my mentality and view of life belie my age or the perceived lack of life experience, but those who choose to hear what I have to share, might see a gem of wisdom that is often overlooked.

It is best I maintain my silence now and retreat into a place in my mind where I can hide, safe from the things of the world that hurt and disappoint. Though I am going through trials of my own, all I wanted to do was to be there.

So, I brought up the issue at an opportune moment today and got some things off my chest. It amused him so much that he grinning away like a Cheshire cat, enjoying the fact that I was being a bitch about it. Anyhow, he was amicable in his agreement as it is not an unreasonable request.

Like I mentioned before, the past should stay buried, I don't want to know, don't need to know and don't give a shit. Heck, why even open a can of worms at all?