The unease would not go away and I felt my heart slowly being poisoned by my own thoughts. I ended up being my own saboteur and everyday, I was aware of just how bad I was feeling. My soul was constantly restless and would not be still. Thus, I sought the Lord for answers.
I was led to read The Epistle of James in the bible. Though I read it through, the words of wisdom did not take root and again, I let down my guard and allowed myself to be consumed by negativity. Again, the Book of James came up in one of my conversations with a fellow cadet. He suddenly remembered he had a collection of sermons on audio CD by Pastor Benny Ho. It was a 13 part about growing in spiritual maturity, based on that very same book. The answers were revealed to me and I have consolidated the words of the pastor that really struck me.
Most of us are immature spiritually and we will never really know God and have the character of Christ until we have been tested. Thus, we have to persevere in trials and hold on to his promises. When have been tested, we will come forth as gold and the only things that burn away are the things that bind us. Those who persevere in trials are the ones who are blessed.
I have also realized why I seem to have lost inner peace. The problem lies in my heart, which was not discerning enough, and that whatever I received from God was with a bias. If the heart is not pure, it will colour the way we interpret things. Wisdom gets corrupted and unspiritual as such. Because my heart was tainted, the wisdom that was operating in me was distorted as well.
Again on the topic of wisdom, it is said that he who walks with the wise, grows wise. I find this to be very true because I often find a spiritual affinity with people who have a certain wisdom that can only be given to them by God. he wise. He who walks with the wise, grows wise.
It is also very important to contemplate within ourselves because reflection, combined with careful observation, equals wisdom. So in order for us to walk in harmony and coherence, our hearts must be healed first of all.
Everything starts with a dream and persistance and we must be able to perceive what is at the end for it to become reality. We are never defeated until we give up on ourselves. In our hearts, we plan our course it is God who determines our step. If our plans flow in line with God's purpose, only then it will prevail. So I say this again, commit to the Lord in whatever we do and then our plans will succeed.
Commit I did, truly, as this time round I prayed for my heart to be pure again. I felt that all familiar sense of peace again and it was as if my whole world brightened up with hope once more. The weather finally became favourable after keeping me on the ground for the past 9 days. My newfound optimism and faith shone through in my performance today and I made a drastic improvement.
May my faith continue to see me through.