Amsterdam was nice. Lovely boots in all designs. Spent a bomb on a pair pf boots and forgot to claim 10% tax. Overloaded on the carbs and paid SGD$12.50 for a pathetic glass of orange juice at a restaurant. Went 'window shopping' at the red light district and kept teasing the guys about getting 'sexcited' and 'sexercise'. Saw the windmills and the wooden shoe factory that the Dutch are known for. But at the back of my mind, I was thinking of too many things to really enjoy myself. It was all good though...

I am utterly overwhelmed. I'm feeling screwed up, exhausted and I still have a million and one things to do. Fuck... I am off to Auckland in the evening and will be away for four days this time. Where do I find the time to do all the shit that I need to do?

Depression is slowly setting in. I seem like I am coping fine but I am barely holding it together.

All this, coupled with feelings of guilt. Guilty for not practising the piano... Guilty for snapping at my baby when he has been literally taking all my crap and giving in to me. Worst of all, I am feeling guilty for not being around to help my mom move and dispose the rest of the stuff in the old flat, to get it ready for the renovation.

She must be feeling at least 5 times worse than me... I don't know how she does it all, she has a full-time job, does all the housework, handles everything in the household and now the stress of the move and the renovation. She has my utmost respect. Just thinking about the amount of things she does makes me want to crack.
I am really feeling so bad for flying off when she could do with my help. No one wants my flights and I have no more leave to take.

I went back this afternoon to clear everything out from my room. And hell, I vow to minimize my possessions and do spring cleaning at least once a year. There are so many things I buy that I don't even use or need. The amount of things I threw away today is truly shocking... Honestly, I felt my heart breaking when I had to let go of something, but I had no choice.

It is far from over. I still need to sift out more things to clear from the pile I put aside to keep.

More than anything, I am feeling this way because I always wish I could do more... That's how my whole life is, all the 'could haves' and 'what ifs'. It is time to do something about that...

And baby, I am sorry for taking it out on you. I love you...