Back to reality now. The past week has gone by in a whirl, and it was over before it started to sink in. It is definitely one of the more special moments in my life and I am glad that I enjoyed those moments whilst experiencing them. Having said that, we all have to come back down to earth and at times like these, reality does suck because it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

I have missed all my friends and my dear cousin very much. I thank God for their presence I am ever so glad to have them around. The joy they bring into my life is not something I would trade for the world.

My heart is heavy and there are a lot of things on my mind. There are just too many things that are left unsaid. I will wait and see because wait is all I do these days. Despite myself, the expectations are starting to creep in and it scares me. It is not the best time for me to deal with complicated right now. Only the Lord can open my eyes and it is Him I shall seek.

Off to Auckland early tomorrow morning. Things will set themselves right.

Today, seated two rows down from me, I saw a young guy cry during the worship and prayer session. He was bowed down in deep prayer and sobbing away. I was very struck by the whole scene and I spent the most part of the sermon, just looking at him.

The last time I cried like that was last year and it feels good to be able to release pent up emotions. There are still times that I walk around with a knot in my heart that can only be unravelled with tears that no longer come readily.

It was weird, but I could feel this stranger's pain. Perhaps, it was a reflection of my own hidden pain that I have not yet acknowledged.

On a much lighter note, I am really looking forward to something and I am going to enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Ambiguity seems to be the common theme in the lives of many people I talk to. I thought I would know better, but yet I find myself embroiled in yet another potential mess that can very well blow up in my face.

This sucks.

I do not put myself in situations I know I cannot handle. The very fine lines in the grey areas have been blurred so much that I have stopped trying to analyze and make sense what I am feeling. As much as I hate to admit it, I care more than I let on, but yet I don't question. In the months to come, it may become clearer to me, though whether it matters then, is another story altogether.

So I say, live for the moment and relish joy that life brings with expectations kept to a minimum. I take comfort in knowing I can open my heart and let myself feel and move on when it is time.

Now, I shall look forward to the unexpected surprise that has already been sprung upon me.=)

My dog was behaving strangely. Nicky followed me everywhere when I got up this morning and walked about the house. When I turned to look at him, he would sit down and look at me with the most beeseeching expression in his eyes. He did this a few times. Then I saw him wiping his ass on the floor by dragging his bottom.

Nabei, then I realized why he was looking at me like that. It was not because he suddenly became more affection, he just wanted me to wash his backside.

Bloody hilarious lah. I must be turning cuckoo coz silly things like these make me happy but at least it put a smile on my face today.

I feel like I have to drag myself to work more than usual today. One of those pms-induced moody days for me. Oh well, gotta hose Nicky's ass with water before I leave for Beijing.

It is time to put that long overdue, disappearing act into play.

Digressing from that, it is always a waiting game, but I will not be someone who waits forever, while I put everything else on hold. The small piece of news I received today does not bode very well, but it is only temporary.

Having said that, I will still go ahead. Life goes on, it will be a journey of faith.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. The tide seems to be turned to my favour, albeit slowly. Whatever it is, I will not lose sight of what is important.

My journey to work, the time when I sit for take-off and landing and the time before I sleep, is my quiet time with the Lord. For days and weeks, I prayed for guidance and sought for answers. Yesterday, I got an insight to yet, another revelation. What appears apparent, is not always as simple as what it seems.

In my excitement at all that has been happening, I have neglected to consider a few things and look at the bigger picture. I realized that I have forgotten my true reasons of wanting to embark on this journey in the first place. My fear of not having any progress in my life is overwhelming and I have grown tired of packing up and going away. Today, it all came back to me and I understand enough to plan the next step.

I spent my time well yesterday. I had the great priviledge of hanging out and talking to someone that I truly respect and admire, the one who has inspired me. Through her and her friend, I got a lot of answers. It was as if the Lord spoke to me through them. I will pray for ways to facillitate my next move, to be revealed to me. The journey is not going to be an easy one, but I believe in it enough to go ahead.

The poo went missing and I know what happened to it. The eternally hungry Nicky grinned sheepishly as I lectured him about eating his own poo.

Then, my two doggies parked themselves at the entrance of the kitchen and watched me lovingly as I washed and hung the clothes and folded those that were dry.

They eyed my every move with twisted fascination as I washed the dishes and cleared their pee and poo. The duo kept hanging around as my brother vacuumed the floor.

It bore some semblance to my mother's usual routine that they have gotten used to and you can almost hear their happy sighs. Dogs love having a routine and they are missing my mom dearly.

I miss her too and I hope she comes back from her holiday in Korea soon.

Soon people will know... it is not something I am exactly thrilled about, because of the added pressure. But yet, if I don't speak of it, many doors would have been kept closed and I would have lost out on valuable insights.

Also, I do know that there are people who appear supportive but secretly want things to remain as they are. There is nothing much I wish to say, though my heart is indeed feeling a little heavy. With my best efforts, I will continue to forge ahead.

And I will pray for the Lord to walk this journey with me.

Life is one big unfinished picture, til the day we take our last dying breath and say goodbye to the world. Someone described very aptly, our life as 'works in progress'. It struck me how true that is. No matter how long we have lived, how many different experiences we may have had or how much we think we know, we are never really complete.

There are so many questions resonating from the core of my soul, which I have yet to find the answers to. Even when I think I have, the answers do not keep me satisfied for very long. Then I would seek again and try to make sense of all that is going on around me.

But then again, if I knew everything, I would be God. So it is just best to leave it in His hands and trust in His Wisdom.

I do not need to know everything. Perhaps, the less I know, the better it is.