The weekend feels so horribly short but I allowed myself to indulge in stuff that I enjoy, rather than feel myself rot at home. I really should spend my time studying but I do need some time to chill or I won't be able to cope with the weekday torment.
So whatever lah, just relax and enjoy.

Feeling very guai lan these days, I attribute it to the fact that I feel bloated and constipated. These are serious problems and it makes me feel like crap. You would feel bitchy too if you were full of shit.

Sigh. I don't look forward to Monday...

Three months have passed since I made the biggest step in my life. The hell that I am going through now is not as bad as people make it out to be, but there times that I start to doubt myself. I have not fully realized how much is really at stake because I have not had the time to sit down and think about the magnitude of the uncertainty that lies ahead.

Newton's first law of motion comes to mind, an object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay in rest unless acted upon by another force. This law pretty much describes my life right now.

I feel like I am losing myself sometimes. My mind is so saturated with theories, formulas, figures and even more figures, that there just does not seem to be enough space for anything else. Everyday, my mental capacity is being pushed to its brink, leaving me exhausted at the end of the day, and it will continue to get worse.

These days, I am no stranger to the feeling of despair and helplessness. Yet, I am strangely happy and I finally understand what it is like to be pursuing something I know I really want to do for the rest of my working life. This is it, and this is what it feels like. The only thing left to do now is to center myself and forge ahead.

I caught The Leap Years last night and I loved it. A movie with a hauntingly beautiful storyline revolving around love so strong, it knows no bounds. I used to hope and dream about that kind of love I thought I could never have and would have settled for something much less. But after many episodes of hurt and crushing disappointment, love found me.

It is incredible how the paths of two people, from two different parts of the world and two different backgrounds, can cross in the most unlikely of circumstances. When I first laid my eyes on him, I felt that there is something more but I brushed it aside. Little did I know, he felt the same and that the most amazing thing was about to happen... we fell in love. He is everything I had hoped for and so much more and he gave me the kind of love that I thought could only exist in my dreams. For the first time in my life, I feel almost complete.

It is even more incredible that we met while pursuing the same dreams and I am no longer alone in my journey because he is with me every step of the way. I cannot thank the Lord enough for giving me this amazing pillar of strength and support and I have never been happier.

I love you darling.

I had some time to check my email this morning and I read the most touching email, ever. I don't need the world, I just need my world to be complete and it is finally close to completion. I do not need anything more.

=)

The grossest thing just happened to me... I got up from my seat to go to the loo when I realized I had stepped on something squishy. I looked down and to my absolute horror, I had stepped on a fucking COCKROACH!!! Oh my God, I nearly died there and then. This is one of my worst fears come true. I screamed and hopped to the toilet as fast as I can to wash the offending mess off the sole of my foot.

I emerged eventually after sometime and was told that the cockroach was still alive. I went to look, the juice was squashed out of its body, but its feelers were still moving about feebly.

I fled to my room and refused to come out for the rest of the night. I am so traumatized.

=(

My mental muscle is being worked to its limits and I feel like I am drowning in a sea of work. At times I feel like tearing my hair out and bursting into tears in frustration, but I am not going to give up on myself. No matter how much I have to struggle to keep up, it is a promise to myself not to let the fighting spirit be snuffed out in defeat.

I spent Valentine's Day doing work til the wee hours of the morning. But I could not stop smiling inside because of the lovely surprise that I got in the evening.=) The way things click into place are just perfect at the moment and I am so grateful to the Lord for this blessing,

With that much being said, I can only hang on by my teeth for the ride and put in double the effort and hours. Every struggle is a growth process and in the midst of it, the understanding becomes clearer by the day. Help myself and the Lord will take care of the rest.

When the little girl in me surfaces, my heart and everything else, is for the taking. The same little girl who seeks comfort but often goes into hiding, has been lured out of her sanctury...

=)

It has been so long since I last heard those words. But when it was spoken to me today, all I could do was smile.

=)

It is only in the recent months that I truly comprehend the importance of knowing what I want in life and then picturing them in my mind. Those images have led me to hone my instinct for making choices that will flesh those thoughts into reality.

Though there is a fair amount of careful planning and reasoning behind my decisions in life, it is the intuition and the feel-good emotional factor that ultimately seals it. I have learnt to trust that inner voice and it has really become apparent to me now, that the gambles I made are starting to pay off.

Cliche as it may sound, you will know when it you come face to face with it. There is a slight trepidation because you cannot quite believe it and taking a step towards it means major changes. But there is also no fear because your intuition recognizes that chance and tells you 'this is it'.

Sometimes it defies logic and even your own beliefs because the signs leading to it are not quite what you expect it to be. In fact, it might arrive in the form of everything you would not have considered and disregard it. But when you know, you know and in my case, I cast aside all my initial reservations and embraced it.

Since then, I have made the best choices I have ever made in life. The glow of happiness that comes from within says it all.

There is that underlying stress that is just bubbling beneath the surface, but despite that, the days seem to pass much more easily now. I know that I belong here and for the first time in my life, I am working towards something worthwhile.

I have absolute trust in the Lord and no longer do I feel fear. Commiting my life to Him is the best thing I have ever done because He takes care of everything. Never have I experienced blessings in such abundance and to which, I will not forget and be grateful for.

More recently, I received the biggest blessing of all. I am still awestruck at the chain of events leading up to this, but I can only say God works in mysterious ways. After all the disappointments I have had, a true gem has revealed itself in the most unexpected circumstances.

Sometimes you just know when it is a Godsend, this is one of those times.

=)

Bloody hell, my handphone charger is my bane, yet I do need it so. I forgot to bring it with me again, for the third time. It is ridiculous that a small thing like that can leave me feeling handicapped as my phone battery goes flat on.

Sigh. Nabei lah.

Anyhow, it was an eventful weekend which I enjoyed and I have overcome the initial inertia to start doing what I have to do. Now that the momentum is in force, it is easier to keep going. No wonder it has been said that the first step is always the hardest.