A couple of months it has been, and my life has begun to take on a jaded quality. I feel like I am being put through a rigorous test of sorts, a test of my faith and willpower. I know I am taking on so many things at one time that I end up completing nothing. I am slowly being buried alive under self-induced pressure. Yet, I pursue everything with a feverish and dogged kind of determination. As much as I hate to admit it, I am almost at my limit. Perhaps, I am putting on some sort of facade, and I manage to fool myself that I can handle it when things do not go the way I want them to. But, it may not be an act afterall. If I am not as strong as I have myself believe, I would have cracked by now.

Like india rubber, I always bounce back into shape even after I get seriously squashed. I am saved by my positivity and optimistic nature. However, sometimes I wonder if I must break down one day before I can startover. At the moment, I feel suffocated and paralyzed by the stagnancy of the current state of my life. Believe me when I say it is SO MUCH easier to say 'fuck it' and just give everything up. But can I? The idea of quitting now and regretting it much later in life leaves me cold. When I could give things up so easily in my youth, I am just not that same person anymore.

Physical and mental fatigue is taking its toll on me and spiritually, I feel starved. My mind keeps wandering off when I try to focus. I am doing my best to fight the inertia, but it seems to be a losing battle. I would describe my situation as an organized state of chaos. I can only comfort myself by repeating to myself 'baby steps, one thing at a time'. Easy to say but very hard to apply. The burning question is, how long more?

Blessings... I have had quite a few lately. They come in the form of the people who have somehow stumbled into my life. I have always maintained that some things are too just too coincidental to have happened by accident. They may very well be part of the design of an intricate life plan. Ah well, these things will always remain a mystery... A phone call from a concerned friend made it all better last night, a nice end to a horrible and absolutely trying day.

Today was a much better day, I am only suffering from a tension headache. Now, I just need my rest.