So I went to bed with many questions weighing my mind. I told myself that the answers will come to me and that I will wake up to a better day.

Well I woke up feeling even worse and I think I even cried in my sleep heh. The instant I got out of bed, I changed and put on my running shoes and ran like my heels were on fire. Running like hell does not allow you to run for long, but it sufficed and cleared my head.

Today is a Sunday. Despite being out til morning, I felt especially compelled to attend church today, so I did. My mommy went with me even though she is not a believer, a simple gesture that showed that she loves me and wanted to be by my side. It was comforting to know she is there, but I found repose in his presence.

Honestly, I got bored and restless for the first half an hour. I never fancied singing modern Christian songs that I have never heard of. It is very bad of me, but I shall make a mental note to come in later next time, hehehe;p When the sermon finally started, I was blown away. I freaking swear that it addressed the issues that were I blogged about in my last entry.

Reverend E.C touched on the decisiveness of CHOICE. He reaffirmed what I have started to model my life after, making choices that will change my whole life. It is not about simply making a choice, but making a DECISIVE one and commiting to it. It is about staying true to yourself and trust in the Lord and not be swayed by any detractors. Afterall, only when you commit yourself to a decision, can all the other factors come into play to make it work.

I could absolutely identify with what he talked about next. The distinctiveness of our own IDENTITY. In a nutshell, we need to know who we are and our mission in life. I have established my identity somewhat and I am really embracing it. I mentioned before I was a fighter, and a fighter goes into battle. The pastor said before we go into battle, we need to know who we are and our mission. I think it is very apt and it describes my current situation perfectly. But again, I must choose my battles wisely, enough to win the entire war.

Some people around me have commented that I make my life complicated. It is true that I do, because I do not believe in taking the easy way out, with regards to all aspects of my life. Sometimes I wonder why I insist on putting myself through so much pain and uncertainty when I could have kept things simple and straightforward.

Today I understand why I always seem to have this struggle within myself and it is changing me. The pastor summed it up very nicely. Struggle is a necessary GROWTH process. It is a journey of faith and discovery and it allows the Lord to work within me. This precedes His work through us. I have experienced this personally, considering how much I have changed over the years. I have been given the gift a new and much better nature.

I end this entry with the pastor's parting words to ponder on. Do not be lulled into the false promises of the performance trap. Growth, and not being right, is of the highest value.

I feel renewed and I have my optimism restored again. There is a battler looming ahead. Soon.