The knot of uncertainty is growing and the unease is starting to gnaw at me again. It has always been one big fucking rollercoaster ride and sometimes I feel engulfed by the wave of emotions that sweep over me. Sometimes I get knocked off my feet, and sometimes I manage to stand my ground and let it crash over me, but I always struggle to get up no matter what.

I have always been a fighter. When I was younger, I fought for the freedom to do whatever I please and get my way all the time if I can. I fought with my parents, boyfriends and even friends. Now that I am older and have mellowed down, it is a different kind of fight altogether. It is a fight to keep my faith in the near impossible. A fight for a better future and most importantly, the happiness I think I deserve.

It is true that what does not kill me will make me stronger, but it leaves my soul weary and jaded. I am just so tired of trying to make sense of everything that has been happening in my life. There are simply too many contradictions that I cannot even begin to fathom. Should I just believe that as long as I have faith and foolish optimism, everything will turn out right? Is it wise to throw myself, heart, mind and soul, to live life for that single passing moment that may never be replicated? Or should I hold back and look at everything and everyone through suspicious and critical eyes so that I would not get disappointed? I really do not know and I have stopped trying to make sense of it all.

There are many instances throughout my life that I have experienced happiness in the simplest and purest forms. They are often just fleeting moments, while some linger on a little longer. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am afraid to be too happy. It is always a struggle to balance that immense joy and yet keep myself grounded.

Is it really so hard to be happy? The journey is starting to get weary, especially if everything is just one big goddamn question mark. It is like fighting for an unknown cause that will only reveal its true meaning when you've won the freaking war.

Even a warrior needs to lay down his arms every once in awhile and just let things be when it gets too much to handle. I am exhausted. I will just leave it to God and believe that whatever the outcome, it is for the best.

I will crawl to bed now, hopefully when I wake up, I will be renewed. I can only pray harder.