Forgotten Christmas(es)

Christmas... I have forgotten all about it. Where was the joy the festive season used to bring me? Where was its spirit that would lift me out of the doldrums and infuse my soul with merriment and cheer? What happened to the thrill of setting up and decorating the Christmas tree with pretty ornaments and lights year after year? Gone. Even the excitement of shopping for Christmas presents, exchanging gifts and singing my favourite Christmas carols was missing, and for a long time.

The realization whacked me in the face. Christmas had just became another day to me.

So what the fuck happened? Perhaps, it has something to do with that one particular Christmas that will forever be etched in my memory. It was half a decade ago but from that year onwards, I became indifferent, unmoved and I just didn't give a damn about the festive season anymore.

I attended church this afternoon with low spirits and a very sore throat. The sermon was aptly titled, The Light of Christmas. Today, I finally understood the true meaning of Christmas.

For some reason, Christmas lighting has always held me in rapt fascination. It comforted me just to gaze at the running lights and immerse myself in it. The wonder of Christmas lights, unknown to me until just now, actually has a biblical significance because it represents the light of Jesus Christ and reveals the darkness in our hearts.

I learnt that Christmas is actually a time to release the fears that have been paralyzing us. The first step is not to deny them but to admit them, and then we commit them to God, for we are never in control. The fears that were clenching my heart in a tight fist are starting to take its toll on me by wearing my spirit down. I thought I knew better and tried rationalizing and dealing with them in my own way. My way obviously did not help much because, I would wake up with a heavy heart every morning. The moment I admitted them and let go, was the moment I freed myself from the invisable iron chains that bound me.

Christmas is also a time to return to God. There have been many times that I feel that I been forsaken by even God himself and that I am all alone to fend for myself. Very often, I realized that the things that I want the most and try very hard to get, often slip through my fingers. I fight to do things my way because I thought I understood myself best. Then I end up feeling extremely disappointed because I have lost. It is a shit feeling to have and it is often acheived by self-sabotage. Heh. Life became so much easier when I let go and allow him to lead me to what he has planned for me, which is always better. The pastor's words ring so true at this point of time. He said, "If God seems so distant, it is not because he has moved away from you, it is because YOU have moved away from him."

We are not perfect and we are all born sinners. Therefore, forgiveness is the greatest need in our lives. We all have to sin before we can receive God's forgiveness. Without Christmas, there will be no forgiveness of sin, that is a revelation to me and I opened my heart to him and submitted myself.

I felt his presence and I was moved by the prayer. All of a sudden, I could see the light once again and I walked out, renewed with a new spring in my step. I found meaning in Christmass all over again.