Life... I love it enough not to hate my existence. Just when I thought I've got it all sorted out for now, life's funny intricacies creeps up and bites you in the ass. It's like... I know the direction I want to head and how I am going to approach the unique situation I am in. I know what sort of person I am now, and I actually like, me. (Although, I can be better) I know what I want and where I am headed.
Or, so I thought.
Then someone comes along and plants a seed of doubt and it has now grown into a big plant. The roots have not sunk in deep enough but it is a major struggle just to try and yank it out. It is enough to create fear and make me question myself over and over and over.
A conversation that I had last night that made me shed quite a bit of tears. I was being told that men like to have me as a friend but they will not commit to me because I am too strong and ambitious for my own good. And that, what men really want is a housewife who will be there with the kids when they come home every night. Oh and also, I must learn to be submissive and more passive, learn to wear more skirts and dresses and to stop wearing jeans all the time.
THAT, is HER ideal image of me, she admitted it as much. Honestly, it is something I am capable of doing and I will even enjoy that role, as hard as it is to imagine. Haha!;) Unfortunately, it takes a man who is stronger and secure enough with himself to love me, to bring that side out of me. Truth is, I am not as strong and unyielding as some people might believe me to be. I am this way because I have to fend for myself. I am also a huge believer in being strong for myself before I can be strong for others.
Maybe I should not let it get to me, but it did. Enough to make me cry again while I was practising the piano this morning. I think I have been numbing out the pain for too long. It feels good to cry sometimes...
Although, living my life based on the expectations of others may lull me into a paralyzing existence, if there is a perfectly good reason for me to, like love for example, I will be happy to change. We are all always changing anyway... every experience defines me and makes me discover another facet of myself.
In this moment of uncertainty, I will still hold out for someone who will make me happy and vice versa. That is not going to change. Someone who will bring out the best in me, only then I will be content to follow. I will not get into another relationship because of convenience or need. I am just so sick and tired of fighting for and with myself, all I want to do is to curl up into a ball.
My best friend, Nicole said to me, "When I counted my blessings, I counted you." Those words will forever touch me and remind me why I am special to her in my own way. As we all struggle to find meaning in our lives, touching the lives of others and knowing that you made that difference, no matter how big or small, is one of the best things to live for. I just want to have joy in my life. I will submit myself to God in all totality because I am just too emotionally drained.
On hindsight, better go get myself more skirts, dresses and all things pretty hahaha!:) Maybe mom knows best.
2 comments:
Life... Once in a while sometimes, just maybe sometimes, it takes a small insignificant event, incident or sentence to tinkle your thoughts enough to topple your top.
In my perception, right or wrong, take my words for its 5 cents worth buddy.. Man won't take you anything more than a friend cus no MAN (call it male testostorone hormone talk) can live the life unlike of a man. Ask yourself this. Would a man say, 'She's my wife' or 'I'm her husband'... Think bout it for a while.. While its great your aspire in the aspirations you do, I take my hat of for you... And everyone totally supports you..Thats you and thats your life.. But when you start talking about the life with another... Balance is the word.. Both parties need to throw domineering out, and compromise must come in the most uncalled manner or else there can be no relationship. A simple analogy.. My friend was arguing with his girl over the phone as he did not send back photos regularly since he's away.. He was telling us, its not him to send photos and such.. We told him, its not about you my friend.. its about her right.. Send a photo with a caption ' Wish you were here'.. thats all the touch it takes to work magic.. Not a deception, its perception.. Surely he loves her but just does not express it in the way she does.. So throw away the manhood, and be a ladies man for a while.. Balance...Surely jus jeans don't make u a tough girl.. Its probably your inner self as a tough person potrays u as such. Tell me, if you wear a skirt, suddenly you'd be feminine? You enjoy what you do and I suggest you keep doing that. Some guy will come along, and maybe you will feel the need to balance and compromise.. If you want happiness, you gotta be the higher soul that makes the relationship happy... Till then, ...sincere apologies if I got it wrong.. Only thought might help...Peace out...
Actually you are making life more complicated. It's very simple actually and 80% you spend the rest of your time worrying, but it never happened.
Simple things in life is the hardest thing to do.
Post a Comment