Things are getting better and I am filled with gladness in my heart. I am very grateful to the people who have expressed their concern for my family and I and I cannot give enough thanks to the church members who have been visiting us regularly and praying for us. The genuine sincerity and the kindness extended to us by strangers who have become friends, leaves me overwhelmed.

The major worries are slowly ebbing away by the power of prayer, but something else always crops up in its place. Now I am left to contend with me and my own issues. There is a decision I want to make and it will change my whole life.

I am really struggling within and all I want to do now is cry. I realized that nearly all my life, I have subconsciously been trying to get my mom to approve of me, and be proud of me, without much success. I always seem to rub her the wrong way and I can never make her happy. Then I stumbled upon the only thing that makes me motivated and come alive. It also happens to be the very thing she wants me to give up. What she thinks is best for me and what I think is best for myself is worlds apart.

I am so freaking torn between wanting to obey her and going for what I really want and think is good for me. Talking to her plants this huge seed of self doubt, she really makes me feel that I simply cannot do anything right and that is too much to take. I have been on emotional tenderhooks all week and this issue is the one motherfucker that tips me over the edge. Now, the tears just cannot stop flowing.

I cannot seem to find comfort anywhere except in God. Now I am not so sure what he wants of me.