Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I have come to a point where I wonder, yet again, whether I am really happy with how
my life is going... Have been spending many, many days deep in thought. Still, life's mysteries and answers elude me. In short, I don't know what the fuck I really want.

What else is new?

I only feel incomplete and I'm not living up to my full potential. There is something missing in my life and I think I know what the missing pieces are. I am slowly being sucked into the system of what society and the people around you expects of you. I hate explaining my actions or why I do things a certain way. I hate living my life for other people and not for myself. What a sucker...

A few of my friends have been going through very rough patches when it comes to relationships... The only thing I can do is to listen and give some advice... sometimes I hope it is good enough because it is not in my position to interfere... Speaking of which, mine is not going exactly the way I want either. There are some key elements which I need that are sorely missing... Gotta try and have a talk when I come back.

I am really feeling all angst-y and shit, wonder how long I am able to keep up this facade? Fuck, I just hope it is one of my mood swings again, if not, I must seriously consider what I am going to do about it.

Off to Sydney tonight, back on Friday afternoon. Think I might wanna go dance or some shit like that. Bye.


Anonymous said...

You should be contented with what you had. Have been reading your blog for quite awhile and feels that its your temper in which is not on the right path. You like to do things your way and that whenever something went wrong, you'll blame it on your mood swings. Why not think what is exactly wrong with yourself. You can choose what you wanna do and not do, dont say that you live your life for other people. Morever with such a temper like yours, it seems contradicting to say such a thing. Maybe you should think of what you really want.
However, you do write well.

thomas said...

what an interesting anonymous comment you got there! :P Wish someone would do that to my blog sometime!

What do you think the missing pieces in your life are?

What are the key elements missing from your r/s?

Anonymous said...

You really write well.
Not knowing what the fuck you want is indeed proof that you care about yourself and is thinking or planning your life.
You need someone to share or discuss about life.
If you think at one point you can't take it any longer, there is one that can help you it's GOD/

Ailin | The Bitch said...

read ur entry about ur mum.
Think all mums are the same la.
They sound bad .. but they r soft at heart.

But sometimes really ... URGHHH...

Same like u feel defiant and angry when heard such nasty things, thats their way of expressing themselves too...

Hard la.. but try to think for them oso lor...


Vanessa said...

Anon 1: Yep, I do agree with you... I know I have flaws, I am naturally hot-tempered and I do contradict myself sometimes. It is a lot harder for me to accept a lot of things because of my character, but I think I am doing a pretty good job of it so far... heh:)

And yes, I do sound like a nasty ass bitch when I blog but my blog is only an outlet for me to vent my frustrations and play out my evil thoughts... If I don't, I might just turn purple and die. I'm serious.

Besides, a lot of people have commented that I am actually quite polite in person:) I know my limits and I don't push it because I respect most people.

Thanks for the compliment on my writing and the advice anyway... I will keep that in mind.

Anon2: I'm happy to hear that you like the way that I write. Thank you:)

Yes, I need someone to discuss life with. I love talking to people and learning from their experiences. I know it sounds silly but some people I meet leave me awestruck because they are so wise.

I guess I want to be awestruck all the time. Does it make sense? And I do need God's help. I definately do, we all do.

Thomas: I have yet to find out... As for my r/s, I guess I want someone that I can admire, respect and who will leave me awestruck. I need an idol heh;p

But honestly, I hope I will have the answer soon...

Ailin: Yeah man... really have to control myself from screaming, so now I always walk away when she's pissing me off.

But sometimes, my mom's words can be quite hurting...

Now I know I am not alone lol:)

alhnom said...

i knw hw u feel when sometimes life's just one big blank, and so is the r/s. talking things through with ur guy might help, re-ignite the fire kinda thang. as ur the routines of life, either u keep on going or fall out. are u ready then? one step at a time, babe. take it easy.