Thursday, May 29, 2008

I remember there was a time, not too long ago, where I had set a goal for myself to simplify my life. I had grown weary of all that emotional drama and complicated bullshit going on. With a jolt, I sat up in bed this morning, only to realize that I have already achieved that goal. Taking the step of leaving the airline 6 months ago to pursue my dream was a life-changing moment. The biggest moment was the day I met Viv, and the rest is history.:) It is so fucking nice to have a routine after 4 years. I wake up every morning, get ready, head to the college, study, sleep, all with a single focus towards a goal that does not seem so far away now. No longer do I wonder what I want and I want to do with my life because I already know. In short, my life is boring but that is how I like it, it is the simple things that make me happy anyway.

There is a certain dread about heading back to college today. Again, my sleep was disturbed by the endless stream of thoughts going through my mind. Though the quality of my sleep was ravaged by a too-active mind, I managed to sleep sufficiently well.

I really need to center myself again. The immense stress and the general negativity that has slowly chipped away at my resolve and has knocked me off balance. There is what I'd like to call the 'people effect'. If you do realize, talking to certain people makes you feel especially lousy. They are the people who choose to wallow in misery and self-pity and even worse, subconsciously determined to drag you down into their pit hole. Then there are the superficial, shallow and self-absorbed people I encounter once in awhile. It makes me sick in the gut and this is the time I just want to be alone.

It makes me very sad to have to say this, but I know there are people, 'friends', acquaintences, detractors whatever, who are secretly happy when you stumble or fall flat on your face. I can suss these people out quite easily in fact because insincerity is something that rarely escapes me. And believe me, some will not even realize they are like that. I honestly don't give a fuck because they have already been signed off and they have no place in my life.

Having said that, it is very easy to give up and lose sight of the bigger picture. That option does creep into my mind sometimes because it seems oh-so-easy. I am not ashamed to reveal that I have failed many times in my life and gone through numerous disappointments but above it all, I always emerge stronger than ever. I appreciate the fact that I have a shot at a dream I once deemed impossible. Whatever outcome I desire and I don't get now, I will always find out why along the way.

This is a fight I will not give up.

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