Damn it. The perfectionist in me is horrified and I am struck cold and literally paralyzed by the fear that grips my heart in an iron fist. I am suffering from a mental music block, not quite different from that of a writer's block. And now, I am afraid to go near the instrument I love so much.
My Grade 8 piano exam's tomorrow. There I said it.
I have not taken an exam in the longest time, having skipped a couple of grades and then stopping at the most crucial period for some years. I lost interest simply because at that time, I lost interest in life itself. There was just too much going on then.
I found renewed passion in playing the piano, my skills were slightly rusty but not lost, and I decided to continue. The flair was back but I resisted going for exams because I knew I was lazy and therefore, unprepared. I did not have the discipline which only came much later.
But now I do. However, there is an intense fear of exams and failure that is much stronger than before, until it almost becomes a trauma. It is not a life and death matter, but it is enough to fuck up my confidence.
I am so fucking tempted to just bolt far away and not turn up for the exam but I must face it. I am as shaken as hell but I will summon every ounce of my courage to go for it. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great nineteenth-century philosopher and poet sums it up best with this quote:
"Do the thing you are afraid to do, and the death of fear is certain."
Bloody hell, I quiver but I will steel my nerves as I look at fear in the eye. As I swallow my pride and admit my fear to the world, I am taking a step forward and I will not go down without a fight. As I end this entry, I am already feeling much better. I know what I must do.
2 comments:
Good luck on your exam :) I like that quote you gave. I should follow that advice more, although it's easier said than done.
Btw, I have some questions about the piano exam. What is a piano exam like? I mean, can you describe what you have to perform and how they grade you? Also, is the piano exam/grade system consistent worldwide or does it vary from country to country?
Again, good luck!
Hey Tommy!
I am taking my exams under the Associated Board of the Royal School School of Music (ABRSM). It is an organization based in UK. The exam syllabus vary with different instruments and grades.
You canvisit this website, http://www.abrsm.org/?page=home. It has all the details that you need to know.
For piano, the practical and theory are graded seperately. The theory is basically like taking a class exam, with an invigilator and all. For the practical, it takes place in a room of a music school assigned for the exam.
There will be a professor from the UK who will be giving the exam. He/she will randomly ask you to play any scale that he/she names and the 3 music pieces that you've prepared. Then there will be sight-reading and aural tests to conclude it. Passing mark is 100 out of 150.
The system should be similar across the board, but would vary slightly according to the syllabus of different examination boards. I am not too sure what the system is like in America though. Maybe you can find out. It is never too late to start!:)
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