Melancholy... the feeling is bittersweet. I feel a fleeting tinge of sadness that I can't quite comprehend. Whatever semblance of control I have over my emotions seem to be slipping away, fast. What am I looking for? What do I really want? "Go with the flow" That is the piece of advice I like to give to my friends and myself. But I realize that it is an advice that is quite flawed because it comes together with uncertainty. Something which I do not need anymore of.
I just can't get to sleep again, I have too many unanswered questions hounding me... Impeding into my restless state of subconsciousness. The ride on this emotional rollercoaster seems endless, I feel drained. Grappling for an emotional foothold is taking its toll on me. I need a release of sorts and I feel this strong urge to escape into my own world, except I don't know how.
I yearn for this sense of completion, for someone to understand me, to know what I want. It's a fucking unrealistic expectation on my part because I feel that I am seeking the impossible. Hell, I do not even know myself anymore... I do not want anyone to worry or feel affected by me as this mood is only temporary, stemming from not knowing what I want and expect of myself.
Ever felt like you're surrounded by people who care and yet feel all alone in this world? That is precisely what I am feeling at the moment. I am damn appreciative of the fact that my friends and other people actually take the time to stop and show me their concern. I really am, but I know I can't depend on anyone, except myself. Everyone else has their own lives to lead and their own issues to contend with.
My babe, Nicole, called me the moment she knew what was going on. I feel so much better after talking to her. She just makes so much sense and she gives just the right dose of what I need. I love her so much... Friends like her and everyone else who cares, are meant to be kept and treasured for life. You know who you all are, you will not be forgotten...
Meanwhile, I got to put halt on my selfish and self-destructive behavior. I simply must, before it ruins me.
5 comments:
I do hope all works out well, dear van. Follow your heart. And if u need me, I'm just a dial away, babe.
this is just a phase of life you have to get through. everybody changes as they grow, different expectations, different desires and needs. you'll be ok after awhile. you are right when you say this mood will pass. cheer up! i don't really know what went on between the 2 of you, but don't just chuck him aside. it does seem that he really loves you, and who knows? when you finally realise what it is you want out of life, he might actually be the one that will play the part of completing it and fulfilling your emotional needs. take care...
gal sorry i wasn't around when things happen... anw i will b around for u if u need me.... =) *hugssss*
Hey Suyin, keep ur chin up ya. for now juz do wat u think is best for u. after u have sorted ur own emotions n thoughts out, den proceed on to other things lohx. try to go out for fresh air often, n rem tt im always here for u as well. 10 mins away when ur home. lolx. love ya baby *hugz*
babe,beng seems to have resolved to change. read his blog... i'd give it one last shot if i were u Van..
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